Ok so Emmy is having issues making friends and having confidence. Aparently she plays with ghost friends every day at school instead of real kids=( she;s got a killer imaginiation on the bright side though right?? she said she doesnt see these friends J. imagines them for playing. I asked her why and she said well I dont have many real friends yet.
I'm trying to be proactive...
I enrolled her in the girl scouts which meet once a month. Hopefully will find time to host an all girl party for her class and I wanted to enroll her in gymnastics which she was excited about but thier classes are all full. I was trying for something local so she can bond with classmates who may be enrolled so the next option was karate which she previously mentioned. She was super excited , got there and got upset and clingy and said she didnt want people to watch in case she messed up. She went along and did great but obviously was the new kid that was learning. Some other kids joined a few weeks before so they were only a tad bit ahead, but her listening skills were far superior (because she takes life too seriously, hence the worrying and need for a sport)
Anyway at the end she said she didn't want to return because she didnt know everything and one boy told her kicks werent high (the nerve right?) she said she'd rather do gymnastics. The next closest gymnastics is 35 minutes and we're on the waiting list for the one that's around the corner. So if I take her to the further one no kids in her class will be there. She already ran into one kid from her school in karate. I'm tempted to make her to 2 more classes to see if the newness wears off and she enjoys it but I'm not sure that's best either? Anyone have any thoughts or ideas?
ETA she J. turned 6 this month
She didnt sign up, they give a free week. Also i did that with tball and although she had fun when there she'd get way to nervous, so I want to find something she actually enjoys to build confidence
S.H. that;s what I keep trying to teach her. apparently i am not doing a great job. i thought the kid was actually trying to be helpful, she J. got embarrassed. we even pointed out the other kid kept getting disciplined the whole class for getting distraced and she still was embarrassed over not kicking high enough
Yes, make her go. You didn't say how old she is, but I would think that if she is old enough to go to karate, that she is too old to be playing with imaginary friends. It's great to have an imagination, but I don't think that relying on it to fill the hole in her life is healthy.
You might talk to the school guidance counselor and ask her if she could think of some way to help her make friends.
Good luck,
Dawn
If one of my kids makes a commitment, I make them follow through, so I would say that if she WANTED to sign up, she must finish the sessions you signed up for. If at first you don't succeed, try try try again.
i am always taken aback by how many parents force these 'fun' activities on their kids.
i would encourage, discuss, make it easy for her to go. but no way would i drag her there.
she sounds like a really bright, imaginative, inventive, creative, wonderful girl. i'd allow her to move at her own pace, and have her back, but i'd never try to force her into a situation against her own desires.
she will find other bright, eclectic spirits like herself. she really will.
khairete
S.
As far as not having friends, does it bother HER?
I know as moms this is a big issue for US. Of course we naturally want our kids to be social and outgoing but not all kids are wired that way. And 6 is still pretty young. There were some kids, mostly girls, who were this way at the elementary school I worked at, all the way up through the 5th grade. They tended to wander around the playground alone, daydreaming, reading, etc. It made M. sad for them, at first. But once I got to know them a little better I could see that they weren't really sad or lonely, they J. weren't into the games and politics of the girls on the playground, they were actually pretty smart and mature for their age, and therefore had a hard time relating to the "herd."
I think Girl Scouts is great, and I think it's good to keep pushing her to try new things and to meet new people, J. make sure you take your cues from her. My son never liked sports, or any other organized activities for that matter, and I did worry about him. But over the years he made several good, long term friends, and when he started high school he started running track and cross country and he really enjoyed it. It takes time for some kids to come into their own, and that's okay :)
Also, consider other activities for your daughter, like music, theater or art classes. If she's the creative type I bet she would enjoy those kinds of things even more than the sports stuff!
I didn't start my son in taekwondo till he was in 2nd grade (almost 8 yrs old).
He wasn't ready to follow instructions before that.
No one KNOWS everything when they start up a new class.
That is what they are there to learn.
I'd be less worried about her imaginary friends right now.
I think she's not quite ready for making friends on the level you want her to be.
It comes for different kids at different ages - it's J. going to take her a little longer.
Finish out the free class if you want, but hold off on outside school activities for a year or so.
She'll get more out of it with another year or two of maturity under her belt.
In the mean time - there is absolutely nothing wrong with a 6 yr old playing on her own having imaginary tea parties or what ever.
Why sports? Why not something like children's theatre instead? Play into her strengths.
I have drug both my kids to martial arts for going on five years now. They have pretty much no choice...daddy wants them there and sees it as a life skill that they need...so, my answer is going to be skewed.
I say take her back...and if need be drop her off and leave her (or at least sit where she can't see you).
We had a child J. like yours come to our studio and she refused to try because she didn't know how and cried and kept clinging to her parents...finally when the parents left her and J. walked around the shopping center peeking in at her when she wasn't watching did she finally start participating. (They didn't try this until about her third week and 15th lesson or so, they brought her everyday...) I was ready to throw them out the door on day two...but we have a very wonderful instructor. So, maybe ask the owner/instructor the best way to get her involved in class.
For my kids the newness wore off a long time ago...and they have times they really enjoy it and times they go becasue I make them...but they will keep on going becasue to us it is a life skill that they will always have years from now...even if they quit when they get older. My daughter will still have that muscle memory when she is 19 and in the mall parking garage or on that date that goes sour.
*I say, keep her in Karate for a bit. She needs to learn certain concepts and social things.
LOTS of kids of all personalities take Karate at my daughter's Dojo.
Shy and not shy. ALL kinds.
And they still are taking it.
My daughter loves it so much, and she started off being more shy.
It takes more than one time, to know if a person likes a class.
At my daughter's Dojo, they start kids at 5 years old.
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My daughter takes Karate and really loves it.
How old is your Emmy?
My daughter started Karate at 7 years old.
Anyway, the thing is, your daughter does not want to go back to Karate because she was embarrassed.
BUT, no matter what class she takes, she will be embarrassed.
Because, no one is perfect.
And per each activity, there are rules and expectations of the Teacher/Sensei. My daughter's Dojo is very strict and traditional, and kids who do not do their best are corrected. But my daughter does not take it personally. And she doesn't care if another kid tells her something. She J. ignores them. But that is life. That is how a class is. Especially Karate or activities where you need to "perform" in a group or in front of others.
So, no matter if it is Karate or Gymnastics... you NEED to make sure your daughter knows... that the Teacher and other kids may comment (to M. there is no big deal in saying that a kid didn't kick high, that was her first class), and there is a group that the kid learns with. It is not one on one. AND no one is perfect, there will be mistakes and corrections and comments. That is how taking lessons of anything, is.
And that is life.
Also, lack of confidence is not the cause of nervousness.
Even very confident and self-assured people, get nervous in certain situations.
Perhaps, your daughter needs to learn more about social cues and interact in activities she enjoys. Maybe Art classes?
I teach gymnastics. LOTS of kids have anxiety about it, some even cry every class!
If she is physically able to do Karate, and she's not in a panic about going, then I would keep taking her. Sometimes kids need to be pushed a little. ESPECIALLY the perfectionists. They need to know that it's okay to fail. Karate (and gymnastics) will teach her to keep going, to work through the mistakes.
We had one little girl who cried EVERY class for 2 years. She was 6. She didn't like to be separated from her mom and dad (who were both waiting outside where she could see them through the window.) She J. cried every class. It's been 5 years and she's still in the program (she doesn't cry anymore!) and she's one of our top gymnasts.
I don't think that 3 classes is enough. She will need at least a month to get used to going.
If she likes karate itself, then I would keep taking her. Gymnastics isn't going to be any different. She's going to have to stretch, bend, kick, balance and roll. Some of the kids will be able to do things and some won't.
You should see if she WANTS friends. Some kids are happy to play by themselves. I wouldn't worry about that at such a young age.
In this day and age, kids need adult help in making friends. I always had to get to know the moms, and then arrange playdates. I liked doing this because I was able to encourage my daughter to be friends with kids who had good values and personalities. My daughter had a tendency to pick kids who liked to get in trouble because they were "more fun." I was able to steer her away from that.
Good luck!
Most of my kids will talk to anyone. My 2nd child, who is 6 J. started to come into his own. We had the same issues with soccer. He was fine, until the kids showed up. Suddenly, everything shifted and he does swimming, TaeKwonDo, and soccer.
Our other kids we could nudge and they'd be fine. This child, we had to wait until he was ready.We also told him that HE needed to pick a sport - any sport and we'd support him....but no sport was not an option. (We homeschool, so this is his PE.)
PS I didn't have any friends until 5th grade. It was hard for M. and my parents, but I didn't find kids interesting and they didn't find M. interesting. Now as an adult I realize why. I think like an adult. In fact, I've gravitated toward older people. My husband is 8 years older than I am, after dating a man who was 20 years older than I. My best friend is 62 and I am 37. I turned out J. fine.
I think it depends on why she doesn't want to go back. If it is because she doesn't (truly, really hates it) like it, I wouldn't make her go back. However, if the reason is she didn't know as much as the other kids, someone criticized her, etc. No, my kid would be going back. I have kiddos that want to be "perfect" if they don't know or aren't the best out of the gate, they get frustrated and to that, my husband and I have been teaching that nobody knows their first day. If you like it, you will get better. If you want to get better, you stick with it and PRACTICE:)
If building confidence is the goal, keep her enrolled in whichever activity she likes and encourage her (as I am sure you do!!) to keep at it and practice. Remind her that the other kids learned last week and if your kick isn't high enough - Well, that is something to work for.
In regards to driving - if you have the time and think she'd like it better - go for it!
good luck. Your daughter sounds like an awesome kid!
I know some may disagree, but I'd be dragging my kiddo back. Unless she has some superior skills, she will not know everything in gymnastics either. She'll have to learn the skills. The way most gymnasiums are set up, I think there will be kids ahead of her in there too. I wouldn't want my kids to J. learn to quit every time things were new or hard.
This is my son's fourth season of baseball. You'd think he'd be a pro at this by now. He loves practice. He has always loved practice. He can't wait to get there. But the games? He have never gotten excited about the games. He says he feels like everyone is staring at him. He isn't the strongest player (our team has some really talented kiddos), but he's not the worst. EVERY time we have a game he starts out with "I don't want to go." "It's so boring." "I'm not going to hit the ball." And the list goes on. EVery time, we talk about commitments and follow through, practice makes perfect etc. There are days where he fights the idea tooth and nail! It's not until AFTER the game that he gets excited about the idea. Most days he usually tells us he is glad he played and he had a great time.
Now, if this apprehension turned into fear or panic, I may change my mind. I am all for pushing my kids, but I don't want anxiety ridden children. From what you describe here, it sounds a bit more like early nerves with a touch of perfectionism. There is nothing wrong if this isn't her sport, but if it were my kiddo, I'd be taking her back for a few more classes at least. She has to try, really try, first.
You take her and drop her off and leave. They are experienced with kids that have a hard time getting left. Most of the time it's the parents that stay that have the most issues. Kids see mom and dad and want to go see them. They don't know who the boss so they look to mom or dad then back at the teacher and back and forth. It is truly harder for them if mom and dad are there.
So find something then take her. If she doesn't want to go back you J. take her, take her in, then leave. She will get the idea that she's there for class and decide to go and have fun.
All our kids go through a phase where they are tired of something. My granddaughter hated ballet and tap last year. We had started and before too long she was fussing and I was having to basically push her hiney out of the car. I had to be at work in the store and didn't have time for it. I even took her by the hand and pulled her to class one time. She cried all the way. As soon as she was in class and I was gone she was fine.
I told her that we had committed to doing this and she was doing some special performances. But after the semester if she still wanted to stop we'd talk.
We sat down to plan what she wanted to take this fall. She told M. she only wanted to take ballet...WHAT? She said I didn't like it last time but now I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. So we talked some more and she's in the same old classes she was in before but is happy all the time now. I expect her to get tired of it after Christmas programs and other fun stuff but she has recital and a couple of small competitions in the spring so there's no way she's going to drop anything in the spring.
J. take her and drop her off. Let her find her own way. Talk to the instructor to see if they have a suggestion. They may think it's not for her either.
Yes, make her go for a few more lessons. My daughter is extremely shy and doesn't want to do anything "new." Once she warms up to the teacher/coach and the other kids, she loves it. We J. started her in cheerleading to help boost her confidence a bit. She was excited to go before we started, cried about not wanting to go on the first day, stood around and cried about wanting to go home during the first session, and begged to go back for the 2nd week.
Emmy needs to know that it's okay to mess up. If she's there long enough, she'll see other new kids come in and be J. like her (a bit behind, etc). If she keeps switching activities, she'll ALWAYS be behind and not want to do stuff. I don't think any kid (or adult!) really likes doing something they're not good at. It's a matter of helping them see that they can't get better without trying/practicing.
Maybe you can "practice" with her at home (not sure if that's "allowed" for karate) so she's more confident for the next lesson?
I had a discussion about this with a parent the other day. It was one of the parents who had her daughter enrolled in soccer (girl was 4). She said "Oh, she won't be playing this season, she says she doesn't want to." Then she asked M., because my kids have been playing soccer since age 4, "Do you think I should let her decide, or sort of make her go?" I told her that kids that age aren't old enough to know what they want. "What they want" changes about every ten seconds. I decided what to enrolll my kids in based on our schedules, location, money, lots of factors that the kids don't consider. So that's a long way of saying, yes, I do make my kids follow through with commitments.
Now if there's a consistency and they are really not liking it after giving it a really good try, then reconsider.
If you can get two more classes for free I'd make her go. After that you can consider the option of gymnastics. Does the gymnastics place offer a free class? They usually offer at least one. You could always tell her she could do karate until gymnastics opens up? I suppose it depends upon how you pay for karate, that might not work.
As far as gymnastics, it might be better for her to go to a class where she won't run into kids from her school. I get your reasoning, but maybe for her, she'd be able to feel more comfortable if she knows she won't see these people every day and they might have a chance to "make fun of her". This way she can practice making friends with the kids in that class and it might jump start her to be more confident with friends at her school.
