Just Found Out That My Niece Is Cutting Herself

-- Oh, A. how lucky your neice and sister are ( and your Mom) to have a caring, determined person so close to them. However, dear heart- you will need to do the excruciatingly painful task of letting your sister tell you- herself -- or your neice--- invite her for a movie weekend at your house- stock up on some favorite snacks for her- and just '''love on her''' --- Same deal with your sister--- until their self-imposed silence is broken- how lonely and sad they must feel--- take your sister shopping for the cutest socks she ever saw-- or body lotion-- or ( you know her--- a good book??) -- just see if you can't make some great time with them and see what happens -- I do NOT encourage you to raise the issue- however tempting- but it's your call-- You are all in my prayers.

Blessings,
Old Mom
aka-- J.

I think your urge to help is admirable, but inappropriate - this doesn't really fall under your responsibility, and the mother appears to be acting responsibly and rationally, so you can't even claim extenuating circumstances to interfere.

That said, there is something that you can do, which is to be present in your niece's life, and be supportive, and a role model. These are all things that you can do to enhance and better your niece's life no matter whether she appears to need help or not, but, someone in her position may especially benefit from positive interactions and activities.

By the way, as a former cutter myself, i'm not so sure that i think that your sister and niece need absolute privacy and a refusal to acknowledge that you know what is going on. However, since they have not yet chosen to include you in the story i think it would be up to them to let you know the details that they feel the desire to share with you. In the mean time, it is okay to ask how they are doing in a general sense, (You look sad, is everything okay? I'm always here if you want to talk.) Letting someone know you care can help them in a myriad of ways, as well as stand as an invitation to talk if they want another voice in the conversation. Most people who may have confronted me about any cutting activities on my part would have been lied to, but that doesn't mean that i didn't appreciate it when people generally let me know they were paying attention and cared about me.

I don't think you can do anything. As much as this hurts you and you think you need to help, it's not really your issue to deal with because they are already getting the help they need professionally. I know you are extended family, but right now, it sounds like they need privacy and to keep this within their family.

You don't say how old your niece is (I'm assuming she's a teenager, but I'm not sure). If she is a teen or pre-teen, it's going to be even harder on her knowing that people know about her private pain (especially grandma and her aunt). Look at it this way, you and your mother have each other to support each other in this situation. I would leave it like that until your sister either confides in you or when the problems they are having aren't so new and raw.

Okay, everyone else who has posted so far has been very diplomatic--I am going to be blunt--back off! back off! back off! If you must talk about it, talk to your mom when you and she are alone. Do not bring it up to your sister and really, no kidding, never, ever, ever, under any circumstances bring it up to your niece.

As heartfelt as your concerns and intentions are, all they can do is de-rail a fragile healing process for both your niece and your sister. Use your mom as the means to say what there is to say--sometimes I think if I don't say anything I will go nuts--or whatever your grappling with at the moment. good luck and be strong--silently.

A.-
You didn't say where your sister lives. If she is anywhere in the Puget Sound area, there is probably a "Changes" chapter near her. Locations are Kent, Des Moines, S. Everett, Seattle, and Redmond.

V. Day ###-###-####

A., I had the same situation with my niece a couple of years ago; sister wants privacy, mom told me, etc. So I understand a bit where you are coming from, feeling like you need to do something.

I do agree with the posters below that for now, until your sister mentions it to you, you should not bring it up. It sounds like they are taking all the right steps (counseling) that will bring them in touch with the resources they need.

But there's another big part to this situation, and that is your wish to do something, which is admirable and natural. There are things you can do that would not intrude on their privacy, but that would bring good out of a difficult situation. For example, if you are a praying kind of person, you could set aside special time each day to hold them in prayer. If you are interested in researching support groups, you could pass that info on to your mom, who could give it to your sister. You could even donate your time and/or money to an organization that works with kids your niece's age.

Anyway, just a couple of thoughts. I wish you the best as you face this issue. My thoughts are with you.

I am a mother of a 22 year old daughter. When I first heard of cutting, I was also astonished that girls were doing this. My daughters friend was cutting herself and got help and now she is okay. Besides doing it for emotional reasons, I guess there is a whole "style" called emo that includes cutting. It is all very concerning.
How close are you to your sister? You should wait until your sister tells you and if she does you need to be very non judgemental towards both your neice and your sister and just show support and compassion. Your sister and your neice are probably both embarassed, but if they know that their family loves them unconditionally then the support could help. Do you doubt your sisters ability to handle the situation and find resources? Good luck to you and your family.