Need Some Advice Here!

although my children are younger, I found a great book on communication that is easy to read and very revealing. It starts with 'how to talk so kids will listen so kids will talk and how to talk so kids will listen.' then it's 'how to talk so teens will listen and how to listen so teens will talk.' it's at any bookstore for like $12. Don't let the simplicity of it's writing make you think it's not valid, it is very valuable for communication.
I just went through a nasty divorce and my ex-husband is always scheming against me. He puts the kids in the middle and tries mind games. What that taught me is that I cannot control the situation. I can only do my best, and realize the kids will know the truth, eventually. If they get mad at me, I can't do anything about it. I'm not giving up, I am just being the best mom I can, despite my situation. How this relates to you is that if she does go to live with her dad, and you have done everything you believe you can do with an honest heart, let her go. Keep loving her, and tell her that you are there for her. When she is ready and has had some distance, she will come back to you. At her age, it may be something she needs to work out on her own.
Take care.

Hi L., I kind of had the same thing going on at my house. My daughter is now 18 & my son is 8 a few yrs. ago on my daughters 16th b-day her step-dad and I took her to a school in UT. & she was there for a yr.(That was very very hard on me.) She had the attitude and then some, it was the best thing we ever did for her. She has thanked us over & over for saving her life, she say's she probly would have been dead somewhere if it wasn't for that. I little girl was into things I had NO idea and would have never known without the best theropist in the world that was at that school. Anyway! My son was also sad and didn't understand I think the best thing for him was, I told him his sister is having a lot of problems right now with growing up and she needed help from someone else that really knew how to help her. After a few months went by and she was allowed to call home, when he relized that she was ok and they would talk on the phone for a few min. every week he was fine. I think it will be hard for them for a little while but as time goes by it does get easier and easier.
M.

Best advice I can give you on this one............you're going to have to let it ride out. Nothing you can say is going to make it any easier or make her less rebellious, save your strength for the things that matter, like being that much nicer, not disconnected or not concerned, you have to play her game at a level of which she has not reached and that's maturity.....Tell her how proud you are of her, even if you do it now, tell her again, tell her to reach for the stars and how you wish n hope all her dreams come true.....Teenagers can trap you in their whirlwinds and it can get exhausting and all that energy just gets lost.....Apparently, your devoted attention to reaching her is coming across another way to all your children if you 9 year old makes the comments that she does, so for all your sake and from experience, let it ride, hug her when she leasts expects it and be the mom you are, she does not need a friend, she can treat them they way she's been treating you and you know how far that'll go.....You can stay out of her business and still know what her business is. She is your daughter and although she seems like a stranger right now, OMG, its a rite, doesn't make any sense and we've all been there before. Do the unexpected, let it ride, for both your sakes and you will discover in time, that she'll come around, she may make it more difficult than she is now, expect that, but find a place in yourself to know that she'll be okay which is what you are worried about the most and if you continue to give her the love you have for her, you both will be eventually.....She doesn't need a friend and doesn't realize how much she needs you and you seem very loving so this is more to you than to her.....You will find the strength you need to handle this, you have to, you have two other little angles expecting nothing but the best.....May God give you all that you need to get through this, he has in a sense, he sent you to us and we (your sisters in this universe) hold our hands up to you and reach out to you) we're all in this together and with that support we'll make it through.....Today, let it all go, reach into the place where you love her the most and it will bring you the peace you are longing for, have a real nice day and remember, you may not have been anything like her, but at one time or another you too TEEN AGED! Hope you have a real nice day and from this side of the Universe! Embrace how much more you already have! LOVE YOU LOTS N LOTS!

No expert here but I have taught 17 year olds for 15 years in the classroom. Usually 12-15 are the horror years with insolence, over-reacting, back-talking, general rotten-ness. Usually by 17 1/2 kids become miraculously reformed, mostly because they are finally aware that high school is almost over and they are facing a very uncertain future: college, work, new place to live, adult responsibilities. Sometimes they regress because they are anxious and sometimes they realize they are not at all prepared for life's next step and actually start listening to adults for advice. However, you have a blended household and this is always problematic and compounds the normal horrors of raising a teen. Next time your daughter gets into the car, how about simply saying (as sweetly and non-loaded as possible) "Hi, honey, I'm glad to see you, " and just drive off. Don't ask anything. Smile and drive. Count to 40. Don't give her any fuel to fight with. She should be off to college in 6 months where she will be %100 responsible for all her actions. It's time to focus on her plans for the future, not your feelings of being hurt because of teenage rudeness. During a pleasant moment, it'll be time to say, "Honey, I was curious about what your plans are for after graduation? Are you going to live with your dad, and if so, how much rent are you going to pay him? Are you going to school full time? What are your plans for paying for that? (Clearly, if she can't be civil and live by the rules of either household, it's time to "pink slip" her and give her license to be responsible for her own life. You owe no explanation to your younger children. They are children. All you need to indicate is that your oldest daughter is trying to become and adult and that this is a difficult thing to do. Nothing is more painful for a mom than raising a daughter - they need to fight us in order to separate from us and become their own person. As hard as this is, you certainly don't want her living with you until she 36 - fighting with mom leads to independence. Our job is to prepare them to go out into the world and live without us. Your daughter is growing up. Good luck!

Hi,
God Bless You - you have a teenage daughter! I think less is more in this case. Your younger children don't need an in-depth explanation, just say that it's good for teenage girls to spend some time with their fathers. Or you can say, "Maddie is 17 now, she's really growing up, and she wanted to spend some time with her father before she's all the way grown up." Don't let your 9-year-old's comment get to you. Your response to that could be more along the lines of, "I know it strange how just asking a teenager how their day was can lead to an argument. I just really wanted to know how her day was, just like I'm interested in your day. What do you have going on today or how was your spelling bee, etc."
My Mom and I did not get along at all when I was 17 and I left to go live with my father. We started to patch things up when I was 19. It's a hard time. Girls are very hormonal and in my case, the divorce was fresh & raw & it was my Mom who left, so looking back on it - I think I was angry with her. She was also insecure about being on her own and the mix of us two was not working. Just be your daughter's rock. Reach out to her regularly with phone calls, cards, emails - whatever. Eventually, you'll look back on this as a phase she went through to grow into the woman she'll become. Best of luck and remember - when children are the most unlovable - they need your love the most.

Hi L.,

Underneath anger, there may be hurt and fear. I can understand your desire to try to connect with her and yet it is only met with accusations, so that must be hurtful to you. On top of that, you are being blamed by your other children which adds insult to injury.

I am wondering if you have considered counseling for her to give her a safe place to talk and process her feelings. A couple of years ago, my oldest daughter completely changed. She went from a nice sweet girl to a girl raging mad. It turned out that it was a mood disorder. After placing her on the correct medication, she is totally different. This occurs most often from the ages of 15-17.

As a parent, I would try to connect differently. Whatever is going on is obviously not working. I think I would say to her that I understand things are not going well for you right now. I totally get that you feel that I am nosy and trying to pick a fight with you. I love you and I want to be here for you, but I am not sure how to do that. Is there anything that I can do for you? Also, going to counseling yourself to help you with this would be ideal. It could only benefit you with your other children as well. One child out of control affects the entire family. Best wishes. Amelia

I don't really have any advice, but I wanted to let you know that your situation sounds horrible, understandable, and totally unfair. Kids (especially girls) can say and do really hurtful things. I tried to pull the same thing on my mother when I was 14. I think she won't be able to keep her "attitude" under control at her dads after she has been there long enough to be comfortable. They will see what you see and your daughter will come home as long as she knows the door is open to do so. If I were you I would just keep my mouth shut and wait. As for the little ones, just tell them Maddie is getting older and she is trying out different experiences. You guys love each other and sometimes when kids grow up the road gets bumpy. etc... I wouldn't bother with the details. Everyone's version of details is different. It won't do anyone any good to put specifics out there - its just more for Maddie to disagree with.
Good luck!

Gee, ask your younger children if they like to share their day with you, and if they do, ask them why they think the older one doesn't. Make them think on it. Also, at some point, tell them they will change as they become teenagers, just as they have changed from being babies, and they will do different things, live different ways, think different thoughts. The older one is wanting to be in her own world, accept that, and don't say a thing to her. Keep a straight face when you see her, do not be judgemental and do the least invasive actions you can think of. She is trying to control her environment in the only way she knows how, limiting the incoming. Give her the book The Four Agreements, it will speak to her of telling the truth and being responsible for what she says and how she acts. And in the end the love you make is the love you will reap. Be patient, as you know the birth process is messy, birth at any age.
Sweet regards, E. H

I've been there...I didn't believe my dad at the time, but he told me just to let her go to her dad's and wait for her to come back to me, either physically and/or emotionally. Now she's 23 and we're very close. It's normal for girls that age to detach from their moms, especially if you were close. Normally you'd have to stick it our and work through it, but when they have another parent to flee to, it kind of stumps that process. Just be patient, and just believe that it's temporary, and eventually all will be fine, even better!

I haven't read any other responses, but my suggestion would be that you and her father have a sit down conversation with her (after you've had one with just her dad). If she's acting like that at your house, it won't be long until she does the same thing there. No matter where she goes, there she will be. You can't usually fix personal problems with a geographical change. You can check and see if there are teen programs for parents in your area. Where I live, there is one called "Action" and it's for any troubled teens and their parents. If she is really snappy and moody, I'd have her drug tested, as she is demonstrating two symptoms already-a need for "privacy" and "severe mood swings."

Probably the younger ones won't understand untill they are parents, but you could just explain that you love all your children and want to always be there for them. I would take the 17 year old to the doctor and find out if there is any reason physically that she has changed behavior. You don't want to think about drugs or sex but this is a hard age for children that age and she needs your love weather she lives with you or not. I will keep you in my prayers, raising childen in the time is not easy but I admire you for seeking help A. K

Hi L.,

I have a 15 yr old son and a 17 yr old daughter. I think that communication in a respecful way may be the key. Maybe setting sometime aside and letting her know your feelings in a non attacting or defensive way. She has 1 more year before she is a legal adult and she really needs to start taking responsibility for her actions and attitude. What is her attitude like with other adults? Her teachers? Her boss? Her dad? Maybe you and her Dad should talk to her and have a united front (even when divorced, you need to stand together)...and when all else fails, give her the space she is asking for and let her be at her dad's. With your other kids...be honest, let them know that sometimes being a teenager can be tough and you and she both agreed that she needed some quality time with her Dad...dont get defensive when your younger one blames you...thats pretty normal.

I hope this helps...teen years in my opinion are the toughest!
Take care

Hi L.,

Hang in there.. I also have three kids (17,12 and 6) My 17 yr old is from a previous relationship but only knows my Husband as her "father". The issue that my daughter and I have is that we always get into arguments everytime I ask her a question or give her directions to do someting(chores, helping out with her other 2 siblings)she reacts to me with an attitude and disrespects me,she often gives me smart answers similar to how your daughter reacts to you. In our situation since she does not know her "Biological Father" she will never get the opportunity to live with him or anybody else for that matter, so she's pretty much stuck with us until she graduates High school. I fine my other 2 children reacting to me in the same manner as my 17 yr old. and I continue to explain to both of them that they can still love their sister but "absolutely not" act like her, which is very difficult because they both look up to her. I know this is a little off your topic but I am to struggling to find answers on how to explain this to my other 2 kids where they understand. Good Luck!

L., You didn't do anything wrong. Parents must know what their teenagers are doing. I hope you have good communication with your ex-spouse and his wife so that you can form a united front. Teenagers need discipline. Her attitude indicates that there might be something to hide. If the attitude is just recent, then take her to the doctor for a complete physical. I can think of two things that change a teenager's attitude, drugs and sex. Just because her grades are okay, does not mean something isn't going on at school. She could be having problems with other students and never tell you. Check with the school counselor just in case. (I've been there). A certain amount of establishing independence is normal at this age, but since she is a minor you do have the right to know what she is doing to and with her body. Tell your younger children that you love them and you love your teenager, but that as a parent if is your role to guide them to become loving and responsible adults. You can explain that their sister is not acting like an adult at all but is behaving younger than they are! (WHich appears to be true). Also explain that you want to know what she is doing so you can offer loving guidance so that she won't hurt herself or others. (I have a son who only learned the hard way and it has been painful to watch). Explain that you want to help her avoid making serious mistakes that she might regret later. Ask your younger children why they think your daughter doesn't want to tell you about her day at school. Make them really think. Ask them the same questions you asked her and compare there responses to hers and ask them why her responses seem so different. This is a good time to involve them in communicating with your teenager. Call your ex-spouse and ask how things are going and if there is any additional attitude at this place. She may just have needed a break. However, if things are the same at his place, you may need to check her room and belongings. I still think a complete physical with blood tests and a urinalysis now will give you a baseline if you suspect she is taking anything. Also have her siblings call her so they can see and hear that she is okay. Reassure all your children you love them. IF all else fails, you may need family counseling. Good luck. Teenagers can be really trying but once they hit 20 things seem to improve. (If her attitude really stinks no matter where she is, you might consider military school as a last resort.) Also check to see if she has a webblog anywhere or a myspace or face page.

Hi,

I only have one little boy, but I taught continuation high school for years before having my son. With teenagers you can't win for now, you can win later however. Be consistent don't let up on the discipline you have always enforced. Don't say anything you don't really mean because they will always take you up on it. Teenagers tend to have horrible attitudes and all you can do is stay concerned, involved, love them and not let them off the hook. They will hate you for now, love you later. It's a neverending cycle. The best thing I ever did for my students was not be their friend, but rather be someone who loved them from a position of authority and always expect the best of them (though I rarely got it). As for your younger children, don't ever speak negatively about Maddie to them. Just tell them simply that she will be living with her daddy for a while and you can't wait until she is with you again. Younger kids can be extremely sensitive to these kinds of situations. They can be downright traumatic, because this will be some of their first exposure to change and dissapointment. Give them extra love (insert time, not toys) and express your love of your other daughter. Hope this helps. It's so stinking hard, but it all just takes time. I spent every day living with and loving teenagers and it brought a lot of heartache, but I had to do what I knew was best for them, not what was going to make them happy right then, or like me right then and pretty soon, they depended on it and it made them feel safe.

Maddie is trying to find her independence and is probably afraid to turn 18 and the safest person she can fight with is you! She didn't run away or get kicked out she ran to her dad, another safe place. You can tell your younger children that you have rules in your house and that Maddie needs to follow them no matter how old she is. Remind them how much you love Maddie and how much you want her to come home but it has to be with some understanding of respect to you and to your home. You can also explain to her how her actions affect other people. her siblings, not just herself. This is a hard age for children because they think they are old enough to make their own decisions but inside they are scared to death of what the future holds for them. Reassurance, respect and consistency will hopefully help you through this stage. I have raised 3 teenage girls who are 19, 20 and 21 now. They want to be in charge of their own life but sometimes deep inside they want us to make choices for them. It is a struggle, but eventually they do grow out of it :)

L., I feel your pain and concern. My oldest daughter is 15 and we have been going through similar events. Last year her attitude changed horribly and we found out that she was on drugs and sneeking out of the house in the middle of the night. She was grounded all summer from everything, even talking on the phone and she was only allowed to watch Disney movies when I said it was ok. Her attitude was much better and she was kind to her two younger sisters. Then school started and the attitude came back. She still is not allowed to much with friends, but I can say that she has been drug free and the alarm in the house is on every night. The attitude hasn't really hasn't change too much. She's a girl and she's dramatic! We just keep reminding her of the priviledges she won't have because of the attitude. It is a struggle I know, we even tried counseling and it didn't work for us mainly because she didn't feel like she needs it. So, we take each day as it comes and when she starts with the negative attitude I simply ignore her and tell her when she has something positive to say then I will talk to her. Try going to www.loveandlogic.com there might be some helpful steps there for you. Stay strong and don't give up. I would definitely let her know what you expect of her in your house and if those needs cannot be met then other arrangements should be made. We even looked into therapeutic ranches for our daughter. You will need to make the best decision for you and your family. Good Luck, you are so not alone.

Hi L.,
I have a couple of questions for you so that I am clear on your situation.

You said "my 17 yr old has decided to go live with her father and step mother". But you said "We simply told her if the attitude and behavior doesnt change, we all will have to make a decision on other arrangements, including her father and step mom".

I am not clear as to who actually made the decision for your 17 year old to move in with her father??

I would like to know that info. before I make any comments regarding your 17 year old and the situation.

Look forward to hearing from you. K.

L. I went through this less thn 2 years ago with my youngest daughter. She was so moody all the time and even when I would compliment her she would have such a bad attitude with me. Unfortunately it turned out she had been through 2 horrible trauma's and never told me. We went through individual counseling, family counseling, physician counseling(medical) and nothing seem to work. It came out during a family counseling visit and we both had the same experience. It got to the point that I kicked her out and through so much drama, police, counselors, her teachers and coaches, I learned that I was not the main problem, and she was taking it out on me because I was the closest person to her. I remembered I did some of the same things when I was her age and how I felt and realized I wan't a bad mother, or that she didn't love me, it was due to she knew in her heart I would never give up on her and loved her unconditionally so she acted out - and towards me.Once I figured that out, I pulled back and gave her space but still stood my ground with my rules in my home. It felt like Hell but as time went on and I continued to stand my ground,and kept faith in God, and prayed allot-daily! I was able to explain my position to anyone who was involved. Her father and step mom were no help yet they are very dysfunctional and knew they would not be able to help out nor have any good influence on her. When my neice and newphew asked me questions, I explained that I still loved my daughter and I was not giving up on her even though it may look like it, I said I am giving her the chance to have her space, find herself, and the option to come back homme yet she still had to follow my rules. I was not going to allow her to run my home/walk all over me &much less disrespect me;Also she can do that on her own in her own house. I explained that Trust and Respect is to be earned on both ends, not just a given. I know I am not a perfect woman or mother but I am a damn good one and by allowing her to go through her trials yet letting her know full well that I still loved her and is always welcomed to come back - provided she had to follow my rules- she was still not going to disrespect me or my home. In time things got much better and I learned we have differect ways of handling situations/good and bad, and our relationship is so much stronger. I also learned I can not hold my daughters hand through all her trials, I had to pull back a little and allow her to learn how to care for herself and how ot handle herslef as a person. I could not control that, only she could. I couldn't believe it when I saw a picture of her and I at her graduation and she titled it - thanks to my mom I made it...I am tearing up now when I write this, but the fact remains she knows I would never give up on her, I love her too much and respect her as a woman...and she knows I am always here for her. I see how much respect she has for me and how sorry she was for hurting me and she knows I don't blame her for the hurt and pain she felt and inadvertantly took it out on me. I would suggest to try this with your daughter and explain it to your 9 year old the say I did to my neice and newphew. Start the communication now with all your children. I don't believe they are too young for you to let them know how much you love them and that you will still stand your ground by enforcing your rules and giving them the option to accept or reject it. As I told my daughter - you can accept my rules and come back home or you can reject them and try somewhere else to make your own rules...and as she found out-rules are everywhere whether you pay the rent or not. I hope this helps you cause I really wish I had a mamasource when I went through this 2 years ago. Most importantly have faith in yourself, your daughter and your God. Good luck and my prayers are with you and your family.

Hi L.,
I also have 3 children, with my oldest being my only daughter age 21 now. I also have a 19 year old son and a 12 year old son. First let me say that my daughter and I have always been close and still are even though she has been away at college since she was 17. There was a time toward the end of high school/heading off to college that reminded me of the tension you have currently with your daughter. I learned that it is normal because of the separation process at that age, especially between the mom and daughter. It will pass if you were close. You daughter is at one of the most difficult, it not the most difficult times in her life--heading out of childhood and figuring her life out.
My daughter and I separately went to counseling, each by our own choice because she was away in college and it greatly improved both our understanding of not just her but my feelings of having a child heading into the adult world. It's not just about a child, but the mom's own behavior as your son so keenly pointed out.
Addressing your question as to what to tell your children I would again consider that they must be concerned if they may also be sent to the other parent's home when they get older or have conflict with you or their dad. This decision to move your daughter to her dad's household was a major one at a time when daughters naturally start to rebel, especially against their mom. I would have met with a family therapist familiar with teen issues before making that major decision and to have had professional advice regarding how to appropriately address the younger children. To lose a sibling this way is a loss to them and would also make them feel less secure that confrontation in the household, quickly leads to being sent away. Your daughter needs to be able to test your love and acceptance of her and express her fear of the unknown adult world, which is what her acting up is probably about, since you stated she is fine in school.

Hopefully the child all are free to call each other and visit (if close enough). They still need to maintain a relationship with her and your oldest needs to feel she always has a home with you.
I hope this helps. I know what you are going through and hope that your daughter is happier now in her own place. I would definitely seek professional counseling, and perhaps your daughter would be touched that you cared enough to take this step--aside from the fact that you would have sound advice. With 2 more kids watching the family dynamics, they also would feel secure knowing that mom is proactive. Take care!

you are right this is a tough one. I know the attitude thing. My sister is almost 16 and she is right there with your daughter. My sister is also setting a bad example for her other siblings. My advice is just to tell them up front that the way she treats you is disrespectful and that no child should be rude like that under any circumstances to their parent. and as a result this is part of the disapline. your other children dont understand that you dont actually start the fights (at least the senario where you ask how her day way). you should explain that there was nothing wrong with asking her that and that it showed that you cared but the bad behavior was her snapping at you. I dont really know what else you can tell your kids.

Hi L.,

While my children are much younger I have an older step son and encounter many challenging issues.

I would let your younger children know that you ask all those questions of your oldest because you love her and want to know what is going on in her life. She is upset because she does not want to talk. What you can say is you hope her Father asks just as many questions because he loves her too and she will probably be upset at him one day.

Parents who love thier kids do the hard things... like pestering them and asking too many questions which is what you do to them too!!! However, you are trying to be supportive of her wishes to spend time at her Fathers. This is an important point to make with your younger children.

You sound like a wonderful Mother. The seeds you have planted are there and what your oldest might need most is the old fashioned unconditional love only Mom can give because like every teenage girl thinks.... Her Mom just does not understand her:)

I wish you and your family all the best,
H.

I'm all too familiar with the defensiveness of teenagers. However, the only thing we can change is ourselves, even if they are our children. I find it interesting that your 9 year old thinks you start fights with her. Children are incredibly perceptive and he may be picking up on some behavior of yours that you are not aware of. Are you provoking her by refusing to change the way you relate to her as she matures? If you want to improve you relationship with her find a new, honest way to communicate. You can start with how bad it makes you feel that you two are growing apart. Diffuse the need for defensiveness, talk about your feelings, no blame or guilt trips.

I would just let the younger kids know that their big sister is older and will be making some of her own choices. that right now she has decided to go spend some of her time with her dad. that she still loves them and misses them too. i would encourage the older sibling to call the younger ones. don't give them adult answers. plus they will remember this stuff and might go through the "teen anxst" too and say well older sis did it, now i am too. good luck.

Dear L.,
You may find some relief in accepting that you can't present it to your children in a neat package so that they understand and accept and feel great about the whole thing. And you don't need to. Continue loving them and answer any specific questions they may have. When they talk about Maddie, it will also be helpful if you're relaxed and can talk about her in a positive, comfortable way. The best you can do, and this will serve your children too, is to make your own peace with your relationship with Maddie and her current living situation. I personally make peace with anything in my life that feels confusing and stressful by using The Work of Byron Katie. It's a simple and amazing inquiry system where someone asks you or you ask yourself 4 questions to get to clarity and truth. Any of our thoughts that take us anywhere except to peace can be questioned, and there's much freedom in the clarity that results. Also more kindness--to ourselves and others. See thework.com or read Loving What Is by Byron Katie with Stephen Mitchell. Otherwise, be kind to yourself, to Maddie, and to the other children. Everyone's doing the best they can with the set of thoughts they're working with. Love, Jaya

seems like u need to comunicate more with stepmother. dont allow her to play u guys. she could be making sound alot worse than it really is. making u look like the bad guy. this is the best thing ive ever did w my daughter little attitude. she was becoming very braty but only with me. perfect with grandma &grandpa, relatives and friend. i was ready to be commited. one day i went and bought one of thoughs little digital voice recorders and the next time she started up i recorded here. then i played it back to her and told her i was calling a FAMILY MEETING. getting grandma,grandpa,her aunts & uncles and were all going to sit down and listen how mean u are to your mother! with panic she pleaded, oh no no no mom im sorry no no please erase it. ill stop . trying hard not to laugh , i knew she knew, who was the BOSS here.

I have a daughter that just recently turned 18. For most of her high school years she was irritable, argumentative, and just plain angry. There was no explanation for this behavior...it just was. I wonder if maybe they are scared about the future...always being asked what they want to be when they grow up or where they want to go to school as if they actually had to or could decide when asked? I bought a book that I felt really helped me to cope with her behavior. Mind you, it didn't change her behavior, just the way I handled it. The book is called Why Do They Act That Way? by David Walsh, Ph.D. I do want you to know that just as mysteriously as this behavior started, it ran it's course and ended. The angry stranger that her Dad and I had been living with turned back into our loving, sweet, and sensitive daughter. Good luck and hang in there. Oh, be honest with your other two. They always know when they are being snowed and it is insulting. T.

I raised two teenagers with my second spouse (not there father). His position which was the right one i believe was to stay out of it unless the teenage asked his directly. He would tell me what his position was in private and then i would rely it sometimes in a different manner.
I always took time for each child every week just us two and have girl day. Somthing fun so talk home talk just us two. I would let her talk or not talk with no response or comment. If i said anything it was to praise her and tell her how great she was. At home if i had a position to get across i would tell her i had a problem and asked if she could help me with it. I asked her opinon and would play devils advocate ( the but what if) and listen becuase believe it or not you didn't raise no fool. They are smart and know how they feel. That is in the way. She feels alone and disliked. She feels stupid and useless. She feels like you don't trust her or believe her when she tells you any thing. She needs to feel loves and appreciated even if mom doesn't thinks differently.
I know I don't know what's going but take a step back and take yourself out of the situation. Listen and look at her!
She feels lost and needs her mom and dad but if dad is not stepping up then you are all she has. Don't ask about her day instead tell her you love her. She may not speak but she hears you. Hug her every time she gets close even if she pushs you away. Tell her amount you need her and let the kids hear it and see it. The little ones miss her and need to know its not there fault. Their sister becoming a butterfly and is feeling out her own world. She needs some space to do that. But always bring up the smoking and drugs and how she is in charge of which direction her life will take becuase your job is almost done( not really)but they all need to hear it. Be there when she does want to talk even if it is really inconvenient..STOP AND LISTEN. No reaction just pure love and acceptance regardless of what she says. (they lie sometime to get a reaction) You know she will handle it better next time. I could go on for ever Pray is great!

The worst thing you dont want to happen is lose the relantionship with your daughter, she is almost 18.. then what she is on her own with out wories the parents can be the boss of her. I would make a date with her, just you and her and do something fun together. No questions, no opinions, no judging, just a nice day out to start re bonding again, when the day is over tell her how much you love her & miss her, and want to be close again. Seems that there might have been a time you judge her when she came to talk about something she wanted support for. This might be an age thing, although she has lost the trust & respect for you , or is losing it. I know its hard to reward her for her mouth... you only have a short time to repair the relantionship, she is your first born spoil her for a bit, she is looking for a mother friend, and at her age mother comes last.

Good luck
I have a 16 yr old, there isnt a day that goes by that I love you isnt said. Teens ya got to love them LOL

Hi L.
Trying to explain things to younger children when they have witness the event and made their own conclusions (based on the mind of a child) is always difficult. But I suggest just being as honest as possible. You may start with the scienctific explanation of the hormones of a teenager, that causes mood swings and rebellion. Don't make it sounds as though it is Maddie's fault but her attitude that at this time she can not control. Inform them, that they too will go thru these hormonal changes and may display similar behavior. Let them know that you love Maddie and you love them and as a family you all will work thru this difficult stage. Good Luck!!

By the way, asking a teenage how was there day is not a good question to ask, because for some strange reason, they perceive it as prying. My daughter bought lunch at school, so I would ask, what did she have for lunch, which open the door for complaints and other coversations.

S. C.

hi L., i think it will ease your mind alot for you to get a better grasp of maddie's state of consciousness as a teenager. the best most readable and helpful book to give you a picture of what's going on in her is "The Primal Teen: What the New Discoveries About the Teenage Brain Tell Us About Our Kids" by Barbara Strauch. You'll find out why asking a teen a seemingly innocent question like, "how was your day?" IS perceived as intrusive by them. As to your younger kids and their questions, I'd recommed you steer clear of justifications and explanations and simply say "Maddie wanted to live with her father for a while and so she is." In response to the criticism, just say "Thanks for the feedback, sweetheart. Anything else?" Just listen to it without defending yourself or justifying or blaming Mattie. They just want to be reassured that the grownups are in charge so they can feel emotionally secure and safe. You seem very thoughtful, L., so these suggestions might work for you. Best, J.

For some reason, many people, and especially children, find it less painful to blame the parent than to admit that the child is exercising their own free will and simply choosing to be difficult. They feel that somehow, as a parent, you should be able to control every situation. This is unrealistic. You can't! But, to your younger kids, it looks like a simple equation: Mom talks = makes Maddie angry = it must be Mom's fault. If Mom was just silent, they think, Maddie would be happy and she'd be home with us. Plus, kids are still grappling with the idea of rules, and how it is that parents can make rules and enforce punishments. It doesn't seem "fair" to kids that they aren't in charge.

When explaining to your younger kids, avoid anything that might look or sound as if you're placing blame on Maddie (or yourself) or contains any talk of rules or breaking them. Don't make it sound as if her being gone is a punishment. At their ages, that would just sound frightening and confusing. Explain that people of Maddie's age are almost adults, and they're starting to figure out how and where they'll spend their adult lives. Explain that she's gone to her dad's because it's time for her to start thinking about being out of the house she grew up in, but since she's still in school she needs to be with an adult that she loves rather than trying to be all on her own just yet. She needs to explore, but is too young to have her own apartment. Remind them that she and her biological dad love each other, too, and say that he's probably excited to get to spend more time with her.

Reassure them that you love Maddie, and she loves you, and that it's not necessary for people to agree in order to love each other. Sometimes people who love each other disagree or even argue. Let them know that even after she's a full fledged grown up, and in a place of her own, that Maddie will always love and visit them. As the baby of the family, I remember how desperately I missed my siblings when they first moved away. I'm now watching my kids miss their big sisters, who moved away for college. Kids really want to know that their loved ones will always be available to them.

Hang in there! :) You're doing a good job.

First, as far as your teen, have you read Anthony Wolf's "Get out of my life! But first, could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?" It's a crack up, and really, really helpful.
It sounds as though your younger ones have feelings about their sister being gone: maybe sadness, they may miss her; and they may need reassurance that they won't be next.
Children respond so well when we hear what they're feeling and let them know it.
Good for you for being careful and thoughtful about all this. Best wishes.

L.,

I've had somewhat of the same experience (still kind of going through it) with my step-daughter, also from a previous relationship (not married though) she's lived in Texas for 3 years this June with her real Mother and when she visits I feel like the 3rd wheel and am getting the "attitude" part of it right now. I would suggest, continue to be the person you are and show you care by trying to communicate with her. They start going through a phase around 13-18 where they talk or try to with everyone that way. As long as you have your husband's support and he feels the same way being consistant in not letting her speak to you or him for that matter in that way. Hopefully this all makes sense so far :)and for your other kids continue sticking to a normal routine and love them and don't worry about EXPLAINING yourself to them.
Maybe just let them know she's going through a change that is part of life for both boys & girls and is having a hard time.

I really hope that everything works out for you and your family. Parenting is one thing but step-parenting sometimes is worse (usually because the kid is changing or not sure how to communicate) BE STRONG AND GOOD LUCK!!!

A need for "privacy" and "mood swings" are absolutely and completely normal for any teenaged girl!

It sounds form what you say that you might have been inadvertantly creating friction.
Why not have a talk or write a short letter to her ... Open your heart and explain that you all miss her and love her. TELL HER You aren't used to her being a young woman - what can you do to make things better?

You might be surprised what you get from her when she doesn't feel she has to defend herself. Then you can create a situation where you respect here and gently remind her that you need to be respected too.
She needs to feel she is treated like an adult, (even though you have to walk on egg shells because she's a teen) and thats a big adjustment YOU have to make because YOU are the adult, and she hasn't got the maturity yet.

Good Luck!

Have you had her drug tested? Perhaps she is using drugs and is trying to hide it from you guys and simple questions such as "how is your day?" can trigger her into a defensive response.
HTH

J.

First, let me just say that I don't have older kids like you do, but I just wanted to comment on this because I remember how my parents were. Something that might be useful to you is being able to show your younger kids that you are not perfect. I have no idea how the conversations in the car have gone with your 17.5 year old, but if your younger kid(s) believe that you start fights, then there is probably even just a bit of truth to that. I'm not saying that you intentionally do this (or that you do at all), but why would the younger ones even bring that up if they weren't getting that feeling from your actions. This might be a good opportunity to ask them why they think that you antagonize the 17.5 year old and then really listen to them, consider their point of view and if there is ANY validity to it, be open with them about it and perhaps even say something like, "You know, I hadn't looked at it like that, but I can understand how it might seem like I was getting on her case, which was not my intention. I'm gonna try not to do that in the future." Maybe something like that. If the younger kids can see that you are human and can take responsibility for your side of the relationship with your older daughter, they will hopefully see that she (the older daughter) should be taking responsibility for her side of it too. Just a thought - again, I don't have older kids - but good luck :)