Just Discovered My Husband Is cheating.....please Help.

M., I just went through something very similar. My husband signed up for online message boards and adult dating services and was messaging with women about getting together. I don't know if he ever really slept with anyone (he says he didn't; sometimes I believe him sometimes I don't). What bothered me more than potential sex with other people was the lying.

Every situation is different and however you react is the way you're supposed to. You may decide to try separation, go to counseling, divorce immediately, forgive him.... so many different things you could do. Only you know what's right for your situation. A book that helped me was Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.

If you want to message me, I'd be happy to tell you more about how I handled things and why. In the end, I decided to get divorced and it was just finalized this week. The most important thing you can do is find someone to talk to about this - whether it's people online, a friend you trust in person, or a counselor/psychologist. You need to wrap your head around the reality of your marriage versus the way you thought it was. And talking it out with someone and getting legal advice if you decide to separate/divorce is the best thing you can do.

I'm sorry to hear this.

I suggest you print off and tuck away all the proof you have found. If he knows you've got it, he'll delete everything he can. Take pictures with your phone too, or email yourself screenshots.

I wouldn't confront him yet. Take all your evidence to your pastor or therapist and have a sit-down with them. You're going to have a LOT of people here tell you to divorce him, to leave, to kick him out....but you need to figure out where your heart is, and if your marriage can be saved before you take that step. If there is a way for you and your husband to reconcile and have the marriage you had when you said "I do," you should try for it. But you need a professional to talk to who has your best interests in mind. So start there.

If it does come down to you divorcing him, you'll have all the evidence you need.

God help you.

looking back thru your profile & previous questions....this is not news to you. You've had issues & have said it's over. Since those postings, what have you thought of & what game plans have you considered?

1st step (for me) would be consulting a lawyer so you know legally what needs to be done to secure the safety of your children. You want to file for custody before your husband does. Good Luck & I'm sorry you've found proof of your fears....

M., once upon a time I was like you. I too have fallen head over in heels, or heals in love, actually I look back and I was definitely a heel. Anyway, sounds like how I used to be. Most of 'all the stuff -goes against everything I thought he was. You see, that is how us idealists think, we thought he was...I have a hunch if you look back he isn't much at all of what you thought he was. People usually just are and we write our scenarios around them to make them what we want them to be.
This is not nice. So he is not who you thought he was or is. He is doing something bad. And so, it is time to go full force and protect yourself. And you have a lot of wonderful suggestions here. But I will add is that you think about what being madly in love with really is.
when I was 'madly' in love with my first husband he was an artist. He was handsome and very eccentric. But so talented. And I was using my imagination constantly. We went fishing and he was the artist drawing on the water and the sun was in my eyes and I felt beautiful.
And I'd never slept with anyone.
And we slept together and it felt warm and cozy.
But the truth is, when I look back I denied what he really was. Because I made up a lot of what I wanted him to be. I was searching for evidence almost all the time for cheating. He went away on a trip when we first moved in together and his fishing remained the same, while I took care of a brand new baby on a lonely beach and he went out whole days.So I think that Mr. Craigslist doesn't deserve to be with you. You need a real guy. Like some of other mothers, get the ducks in a row, make sure you have a way to support yourself and next time you fall 'madly' in love, don't fall, don't jump-just walk into it with your eyes right on the target and don't let it get into your head. Good luck. I know it's hard. Really.

He's not worthy of you.
Kick his behind to the curb and don't look back.
It'll be hard but you'll be better off without the deceit.
Throw him out then take some time to pull yourself together.
In the long run you'll be better off without him.

First off you have to remember that his cheating has nothing to do with you. I struggled for years with self worth issues and feeling like I was somehow not enough, but that simply is not the case, I am enough and I deserve to be someones one and only, so do you.

Second, find a good therapist. If you plan to try to stay then find one that will do both couples sessions and individual sessions with you both. My husband and I did these sessions weekly for almost a year, it is what allowed us to heal and to find our way back to each other. IF I had decided to leave him I still think therapy just for me would have been needed because there is a lot of healing one has to do after such a blow.

You have to remember that right now the shock and the newness is making it feel like your heart is literally breaking (physical pain, I know). You will go through cycles of pain, rage, loneliness, self doubt, regret, you name it. This will be a very crazy time for you emotionally (whether you stay or go) so having a therapist or someone to talk to can help you work through it all.

I stayed with my husband, but I don't think I could have if he had been actively looking for someone to cheat with. But either way I made his going to therapy a condition of my staying, and I made it clear I was not promising anything, only that I would wait 6 months to make my choice on whether to stay or leave. It actually took me closer to a year to decide, but he was very patient and understanding since he knew how badly he had hurt me and hurt like that takes time to heal.

And remember if you do decide it is worth trying to work it out it will only work if you both put in 100%, it is a lot of hard work and it will only work if you are both fully committed to it. If he is only going to therapy to please you and is not really trying to change it will not work.

Blessed Be.

Second marriage, head over heels in "love" married nine months later, it's over.
These are your words, not mine.
Of course you are heartbroken, but if you were MY friend, or sister, I would be saying, girl, you need to slow down, get to know a man, I mean REALLY know him, and take responsibility for your part in this.
I hope that, at least financially, you are in good shape and not dependent on this guy to take care of you and your kids, because of course that is, and always has been your job, and their father's job.
Trolling for women on craigslist? That is not only low and tacky it's DANGEROUS, especially if he was continuing to sleep with you. Kick him OUT!!!

Call a lawyer. Protect your current assets, financial future, and your children. Call your doctor. Find out your HIV and STD status. Assume that you HAVE been exposed even if you have no symptoms. A friend went through this same situation a year ago and her PCP gave her the same workup & prescriptions that he gives SA victims. Not to trivialize SA, but because her POS husband was not willing to share his status or be tested.

unfortuntately - this happened to me. with my live in boyfriend, back in Feb. we had been together for 2 years when i found the emails. the emails were from a year prior, so we had been together for about a year when this happened. and i found out that he was signed up on these triplex dating sites too. i found all his passwords and logged in, it had been a year or more since he had been logged in. anyway, i was devasted, hurt, betrayed. i confronted him, he swore up and down he NEVER met anyone in person. from the emails i saw, i did not have any proof he ever met anyone in person. i told him if he wanted to stay together we were going to counseling. suprisingly he agreed. we went through 8 weeks of counseling. he's completely transparent, all passwords, phone access, etc. he never got mad, he never got defensive....the counselor really let him have it too. he knows it will take a long time to build my trust back. we are still together. things are good. i still have trust issues.........it was about 5-6 months ago that we finished couseling. things are better than 6 months ago but, it takes time to get past something like this.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Betrayal is one of the worst hurts.

Several responders referred to you being "head over heels" so I looked for a prior post and didn't see one on that. But I did see that you were so devastated a few years ago when your ex's girlfriend was with your children, and you weren't dating anyone. Is it possible that you raced into a relationship in order to be with someone, anyone? I am NOT saying this is your fault! No one deserves to be cheated on and no one takes the blame for this but him.

I agree that getting therapy is important, and so is showing your man what you have found. Show him, and then resist the incredible urge to unburden yourself about how hurt you are - just sit there and let him squirm, deny, bluster, whatever. See what he says and how he acts, and then express your demands after he's miserable or angry. But do not accept it if he says it's your fault, you drove him to it, you don't meet his needs or any of that.

You have to protect yourself in every way. If he has been searching for someone, he's betrayed you. If he has ACTED on this (and I'm not sure how you know he hasn't), you are in danger of sexually transmitted diseases. So please do not have sex with him at all. Demand that he be tested, and you should be tested as well.

You can insist on couples counseling if you think there is hope. Even if there isn't, you should work together to figure out how to split up with you having legal protections and with some consideration for how to break this to your children.

There's an expression that says, "When people show you who they are, believe them." If he showed you who he was when you met and you didn't believe him, now's the time to come to reality. If this is the first time you've seen any indication of his cheating or tendency to cheat, he's still shown you a side of himself. Ask yourself what kind of relationship can survive without trust.

What you are going through will be months and maybe years of pain. Before going on, is your marriage worth saving? If it is, then try to see if you could go to marriage counseling first. If he refuses to go, either go to a counselor alone or try to fix things in your marriage that needs fixing. First, confront the problem. Show him the evidence that the jig is up. Make sure that you have copies in case you need them for evidence in court. Then tell him what made him do this type of thing. Is he not getting enough attension or sex from you? Basically, you need to communicate as adults. Screaming at each other or crying gets you no where. I would tell him what he is doing is against your beliefs in what a marriage is suppose to be. He needs to change and maybe you need to change some things about yourself. Are you not taking care of yourself, are you spending time together like going out on date nights? Yes, cheating is bad, but it's up to you to say, is he worth it? When things go wrong in a marriage, it's usually both parties are partly has to take some responsibility. The main thing is don't confront him until your anger is subsided. You need to act like adults and try to decide what's best for the two of you. It may be divorce or if the love is still there, and you can remember what made you fall in love with this person to can all come back and maybe make your marriage stronger.

Put yourself and your children first in making decisions. It sounds selfish to think this way however he started it first. He certainly didn't think of how this would impact his wife and kids when he decided to step out on you so you need to be strong and do what's best for yourself and your children.

No one but you can tell if it's best to work it out or leave so don't feel you have to do something that feels wrong just because that's what everyone is telling you. Just remember that you and your children are what matters most right now.

So you took down your profile.
I find that fascinating.
Your profile said something to the effect of, "Fell head over heals and was married after 9 months. Hasn't been working. We are seprated."
And yet, here you are asking about this guy that has been "cheating" on you.
How in the world? If you are seperated then he isn't cheating.
You see....when you are in a whirl wind relationship, ESPECIALLY if you have young/preteen kids, then you need to be careful about what kind of man you bring into your life.
Your "husband" has been looking to sleep with other women. Obviously he's just not that into you.
Leave......and then take your next relationship nice and slow.
L.

Give him hints about cheating buy some panties u dont wear then tell him i found these tucked under the couch and then the only thing he has to do is lie