Joint Custody? - Chula Vista,CA

Yep, sounds right. I have "joint legal custody" with my ex, however, he lives 3 hours away and sees my boys every other weekend. This means we both have a say in matters. However, I handle everything, from school, homework, extra curricular activities, Dr's appointments, dentist appointments, EVERYTHING. He does not participate in any of this, yet I still have to "get permission" for it all. He has a say. I despise the man with every fiber of my being, yet I still have to co-parent with him. You will too.

The point of divorcing him is to get out of an abusive marriage and take control of your life. You need to be happy and healthy for your son. But as much as you want away from your husband, your son still needs to see his father (as long as he's not abusive to him).

I wish you luck!

The point in divorcing is so that you don't have to live in an abusive situation and you can set a good example for your son.

Unfortunately, you chose to marry this person and to have a baby. The guy may be a jerk, but he's still your son's father. You can get a third party to help with the visitation drop-off and pick-up so you don't have to SEE him regularly, but you will have to work with him in certain situations.

Well the "point" of divorcing is to extract yourself from an abusive and unhealthy relationship.
But you did not create this child alone, he is your husband's child as well, so unless he is abusing your son he will likely get joint custody.
Adults get divorced, children do not.
I hope that you are able to get some counseling for yourself, and possibly for your son, so that you can handle this new dynamic in an appropriate and healthy way going forward.
Remember, you can't control your husband's behavior, only your reaction to it. He will always be your son's father, there's just no getting around that.

So glad you see that you are in an abusive marriage...Good for you for taking steps in the right direction!

Get a second or third opinion...

You will ALWAYS have this "man" in your life. When you divorce him? You will NOT have to deal with him NOR his antics on a daily basis.

There are different degrees of "joint" - you may have full physical custody with your husband having visitation. You need to have that clarified.

Please seek counseling as well...this will help you deal with his antics and help you become more self-confident and aware so you don't make the same choice again...

I suggest that having joint custody has different actual ways to play out even tho the legal definition is the same. Some fathers exercise all their rights that joint custody gives and some don't exercise any of them. For example my daughter makes most of the decisions regarding her son. His father goes along with that. She does talk with him but he leaves the final decision up to her because my daughter has physical custody with his father having parenting time.

The key is to learn how to work with your son's father. For this, I urge you toget counseling so that you can deal with your feelings and work at being more flexible and neutral with your ex.

Unless your husband spends a lot of time with your son, I suggest that if you're able to not make custody a part of the battle you can work this out.

Sorry, but divorcing your husband does not make him no longer the child's father, and he does have rights. Now, you say he is abusive towards you, do you have documentation of that? Has he ever been abusive towards your son? In front of your son? Do you have records of that?

The only way you are going to be abel to side step his rights as parent is if you can prove he is unfit to be a parent to the child. The courts have to weight both parents rights equally. I know in the past it was normal for the courts to just side with Mom, but fathers rights have been more and more protected recently, which is most cases is a really good thing, but maybe not in your case (I don't know the details so I can not say of course).

You might want to find another attorney or ask your current attorney to clarify the definition of joint custody. According to my attorney, it is possible to have joint legal custody (you and your soon-to-be-ex make decisions together about religion, education, health, etc) and sole physical custody (you keep the kids full time, but allow for visitation).

I made my husband move out of the house a couple weeks ago. I have allowed him to see the kids just about everyday since then. It is working out so far, because he is not drunk and volatile when he sees the kids (for about 30 minutes on weeknights and a couple hours on the weekends). And I feel better because I am no longer taking the brunt of his rage.

We have yet to hammer out the formal custody and financial aspects of the divorce, so it might still get ugly. It doesn't help that my husband's mom (one of his few supporters) is fanning the flames and telling him that I am out to get him. Obviously, he comes from a dysfunctional family. Having my husband move out and talking to an attorney was definitely the biggest step in the right direction for me.

This is truly awful, but you can't let yourself go down with a sinking ship, no matter how much you and your husband might still love each other. You are the last line of defense for your kids. If you go down, who is going to protect your kids from their father? Good luck to you!

S., this is what happens when you have a child with someone. You are always connected to that person and cannot just take your kid and leave.

I commend you for seeking legal advice. I also urge you to seek counseling for your psychological well-being. While part of your problem will go away with being in a different environment than your current one, you should sit regularly with someone who can help you to sort through the details of your life and help you to understand how the world works and how you can move toward being your best self and treat yourself well by not allowing yourself to be in intimate relationship with someone who will be abusive toward you.

Joint custody is 50/50.

From my own personal experience, it doesn't have to be that way at all.

One of my biggest fears was not only joint custody but was having my ex disappearing with my child totally.

I had to supply an enormous amount of proof, but in the end, I got a protective order for myself and my child. And I got a limited visitation order for my child.

I have sole legal custody of my child. So I alone make all the decisions as far as school and medical needs and such.

My ex is still required to pay child support.

If your abusive has been documented in ANY way, I suggest you start by finding a different attorney who might have a different read on the situation.

Best of luck.

It doesn't work unless you are both very passive and don't fight, argue, or care too much about kids doing certain things or not.

I truly believe that kids need one home and the other home is where they visit. They need to have space that is theirs. To keep their stuff in. It's their space.When a kid goes from mom's house to dad's house every other day it's confusing and is not good for the kids. It's not good for kiddo to go one week to mom and one week to dad either.

IF you ever want to move away from where dad lives you may have to give him full custody. You'll never have your own life again, even if you remarry and have more kids. You'll constantly have to deal with ex. You'll have to ask him if this child care center is okay with him, if it's not you'll have to find another. Same with each and every choice you need to make.

Plus with joint custody you will not get any support, not child support and probably not spousal.

You can put it in the papers that he has to pay half of everything but if he doesn't pay your are legally obligated to pay for services then get the money from him yourself. It's not the businesses job to chase payments from ex's. For example, when you put kiddo in child care so you can work you'll have to pay by the week, even when kiddo is not there. They do not charge by the day, they pay their staff and have that slot for your child by the week so they charge by the week. You can tell them ex is supposed to pay half but if he doesn't you will be fired or terminated from every facility until you have to quit work since every child care center in the town is owed money by ex.

You have to pay the full bill when he doesn't pay and then you have to take ex to court for the money.

Wouldn't it be better to just have custody and get child support to pay your own bills and not have to worry if he pays for this or that? That's what child support if for, extra's you can't afford on your own. He should not have to pay anything beyond that support payment. If he does? Then he's not a horrible parent.

I think joint custody is horrible for the kiddo. I also think it takes away so much from the mom who typically is not able to earn the higher wages a man can earn.