JFF, Sort Of: Who Is More Permissive with the Kids

It doesn't sound like strictness/permissiveness, but it sounds like indulgence. I think you need to teach her that she is not in charge, and by demanding that people do things for her or play her way will not get her very far. You both need to tell her to do it herself, and tell her that nobody will play with her if she has to get her own way all the time.

I don't want to get on your case ES, but yeah, Bug is right-- Kiddo seems to have a lot of fuss made over her and is controlling more than she should. It sounds like she's been empowered to do so.

Would your husband be willing to work through a parenting book with you? Something very mainstream and common sense, like Love and Logic or 1,2,3 Magic? I ask this because I think your husband would do better if you approached it as "let's both try this (neutral, non-stakeholder) way" with a very solid and highly regarded book instead of "can you do it my way, please?". If you are BOTH willing to try it someone else's way, there's giving on both sides and common ground in that you are both learning a new way of dealing with these moments which cause such disagreement.

You need to understand that if he is gone and out working most of the day, your husband might like to do some things for your girl. This is one of the harder parts of parenting, ES-- the fact of the matter is that I don't know of ANY couple who parents exactly the same with exactly the same boundaries/rules ALL of the time. You have to be willing to let some things be 'their' thing and know that you are going to maybe be more consistent, more reinforcing of the skills you want her to learn for her social growth... it comes with the territory of being the Stay at Home parent.

What I have learned, fortunately, is that instead of getting p.o.ed at times where there is dissent in how we parent (when my husband and I may not usually be on the same page)-- I have learned to pull my husband aside and ask in a whisper 'hey, can we strategize for a minute?' For example, there are some times when our son is routinely less than cooperative, so making a plan ahead of time, so we both know what our options are. "Hey, since Kiddo sometimes acts up at the restaurant, and you and I both want to sit and enjoy our time, lets make a plan that if he misbehaves, one of us will take him out to the car for a time-out. What do you think of that?" In this example, I am setting the expectation that A. I want to finish our time at the restaurant , B. the 'choice' consequence of 'behave or we are going home' is not going to be proffered, instead, it would be "if you do that again, we'll be taking a car time out" (which gives us more control of the situation) and thus, both adults are on the same page.

Be sure to talk with your husband about these issues--as much as possible-- at calm times and not in your daughter's presence. These are not great 'in the moment' conversations. If you are arguing with him and reacting to his permissiveness in front of your girl, that only makes you look like the meanie. Instead, those conversations might be more effective when he's not stressed. "Hey, I noticed that when she asks for you to do things for her, even when I'm there, you will stop what's going on and do it. Can you tell me about that?" Try to hear his side of WHY he parents the way he does.

Getting on the same page with your spouse as parents doesn't always mean making him accept YOUR proposed page, but writing that book together. It takes practice, and it can be messy, but it's worth it! (and you get to grow as a couple, too!)

I really kind of think your daughter is the one running your household. I don't think dad OR mom are.

I think you're both wrong, honestly.

-Why are you allowing her to scream at her daddy and DEMAND that he turn off the TV? Are her arms broken? SHE was watching, and SHE can turn it off. And even if an adult needs to do it due to safety, whatever, she has no business demanding or screaming at anyone. That is rude.

-Why are you allowing her to force people to "try it again" when they say something in a way that is different than what she wants? You really need to nix this scripting thing. She can script HERSELF, but she needs to stop bossing people and telling them what and how to say things. That is rude.

-I don't think he needs counseling. I think that you both need to look at presenting a united front on what kind of child you want to raise. Read and apply Love and Logic.

Right now, you have a daughter who is running the house because you and your husband are afraid to just flat out tell her no and give her only the choices YOU choose. Stop negotiating. She's driving a stake in your relationship because neither of you are willing to stand up to her. She might be the most adorable looking thing on the block, but her attitude is ugly and needs to be reined in fast.

Children are highly adaptable. They also know exactly what they can get away with and with whom.

Clever animals are intuitive this way too. Our 80lb lab is a lap dog for my mother, a hiker and fishing companion for my father, a snuggle puss for me, and a tolerant ride on toy for my son.

I know what it feels like to have your hand forced into being more of a disciplinarian than you might want to. We have had to take that role because my parents, are super spoliers. They are happy to be short order chefs, do endless scripting, and buy ice cream before dinner.

The good news is, if you make your expecations clear, and your consequences consistent, you can be sure that she will abide by your rules with you.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

ETA: Like Christy Lee said above, you NEED to teach... your daughter, to do things HERSELF too. C'mon. Either that or you and your Husband will be her "maids." Teach her, to be, self-reliant and to do things. Too. SHE CAN SHUT OFF THE TV TOO.
She is 3. And it is about time, she learn to do things herself, too.
And enroll her in Preschool.
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The parents have the last say.
Not the child.
If my kids, do that, and they rarely do, but my Husband will TELL them "NO, You do not decide. Me and Mommy decide." And that's it.

Years from now, what kind of girlfriend or wife, will our kids be?

My son just LOVES when I do things, versus my Husband. But so what.
He can grumble about, but so what.
He does not decide.
We do.

Then, I know a family, who has a daughter, and who's Dad is just a pushover, to her. He does ANYTHING his "Princess" wants. And he even says HE spoiled her but "she's so cute, I can't tell her no...."
Well, his daughter is close to 8 years old now. And let me tell you, she is just an icky spoiled prissy "princess" of a spoiled girl. She just controls, her Daddy. But it was, his fault. He is the adult. And when an 8 year old acts that way... it is NO LONGER "cute." It is, icky. And she also now has, friend problems with her girlfriends. Because, she can't just bat her eyelashes at them and they do what she wants.

And inadvertently, your Husband is making you a non-valid person in the house... in your daughter's eyes.

I am never in competition with my Husband, over who says what or not, to our kids. I mean, we are BOTH the parents. My kids KNOW that. And they ALSO KNOW that we both may do things differently. It is not a matter of being a "meanie" or not.
It is about, teaching kids manners and about what is right/wrong and about compromising. Which ALL family members, must do, to be a TEAM. Not who is on the winning side or not.

You don't need validation. You validate yourself. Or not.

Not only is your hubby teaching her to get her own way, but he's also teaching her that she rules the roost! Not good!

If she did that with the tv to me, I would have turned it off anyway and then not allowed her to watch her show the next morning. Besides, why can't she turn off the tv herself. Again, she is being taught that she is in charge. That's really going to backfire one day soon!

I don't think there's anything JFF about this issue.

The situation isn't dire yet, just annoying, but it will really matter is when she's a teen. At that point especially, there should not be a lenient parent undermining the more strict parent.

It doesn't matter if you are "too strict," and no one's business to decide that. There are many different ways to raise a kid, and some are stricter than others. As long as you are not being neglectful or abusive, it's fine to be more strict than some other families might be. Your kid will learn to live with it.

However, you and your husband need to be on the same page in front of your child, or it will make parenting a lot more difficult, and can cause marital problems later on, if it continues, especially when you are facing the challenges of the teen years.

I think you need to let little things go -- you and he can parent differently in some ways -- but you need to come to an agreement on certain parenting basics, so that you don't end up having to eternally be the "bad guy." That's really unhealthy for you, your marriage, AND your child.

If you have to get a counselor to mediate, then do so, so that your m.o. is well in place before she turns 13.

But she's only, what, 3? right now, so you might lighten up just a little in the meantime. She's a baby, yet.

Good luck!

These things are kind of small if you get a grip on them....but both of you are working against each other and your daughter.

I have a 3-yo who likes to get bossy. Sometimes we let her "be her" in funny or unimportant situations, but usually either one or both of us will say, "No bossing mom or dad around, turn it off yourself, be polite" or whatever.

Like if one of us tries to help her with something, and she demands the other parent, whoever is doing it just says, "Nope, I'm doing it, and don't boss me around." and if she stomps or gets dramatic, BOTH of us will always respond with a swift reprimand and she doesn't push it. Now other times her demands are sort of funny and we'll roll our eyes and go along with it, because over all, she totally has it in check. Kids are smart, you don't always have to be strict. But you CAN'T let them be in charge that's for sure. It will escalate until you manage it...so manage it!

As for what you're doing....telling her to to say "thank you and try again"...or saying you'll do something for her ..?..why can't she turn off TV?...but then sitting by while husband reprimands you..?..that's not mean or strict. You will be ignored if hubs keeps undermining you and if you let him. When your daughter is NOT THERE, you need to get this straight with your husband. If he wants to have his own style to an extent, fine, but he can't undermine you on his way to do her bidding. Big no no.

My husband is more permissive in many ways and it can drive me crazy but kind of seems like it's the mom who so often has to be the keeper of the schedule etc. And sometimes it's him who is more strict that me. ie: he makes them eat more vegetables than I would. But sounds like maybe this is too extreme. My kids didn't do stuff like that so I don't have direct experience but I also can't imagine it being that much. My kids wanted mommmy, mommy, mommy. BUT - you're home all day and your husband isn't? That could be a lot of it. I work FT. I'd somewhat count your blessings that he's so devoted to her. Praise him for that or he could start getting really frustrated. Can you have a talk about turning her into a princess and how in the long run that's really bad? Maybe pick a few things you agree on that he will back you up bc this may be somewht of a stage too. Keep examples for a few days and see if he'll meet you 50/50. My dad says now how hard it is for daddy's to say no to their little girls while I remember him as really strict! So she's only 3 and it's not a crisis yet. Maybe my dad coddled me but as I got older that declined. And things like scripting him when they play. Why not see how she is with other kids before worryign too much?

OMG! Your DH sounds like my MIL. What you're talking about is not "permissive," but "spoiling." Permissive is when you say, "yes" to things a child wants to do such as watch TV before doing homework or to things a child wants like a new toy. Spoiling is when you make that child think they are a minature king/queen, and you do everything for them. My MIL waited on her son "hand and foot" and continued to do that with my DS. It drove me nuts! She'd make DS something else, if he refused to eat what I cooked...She'd drop everyting and race to get him his snacks and drinks, because whatever he was doing was "important" like studying; but I caught her getting him things even if he was just playing....Her excuse was his playing is the same as exercising and it's way too hot, so she needs to quick get him a drink or he will get sick. She literally act like his slave! Then DS expects me to do that! I came from a different culture. I had to wait on my parents. Why? To show respect. Now I have this teenager, that gets mad if I don't respond right away and a DH that won't clean up after himself. So different than my dad. My dad always picked up and put away his own tools. He even got his own tools. My dad never asked my mom to get him something. Yes if my mom was out in the kitchen she'd offer to get him a drink and he didn't change his mind either once she'd sit down. Nope, I agree with you that your DD needs to learn to be independent and get her own stuff and put away her own things; otherwise, you will have a constant battle and life won't be so fun for you.