JFF: Ever Suspect Your Kid Could Win a "Darwin Award?"

My son was an early reader (age 3).

I was on untintentional suicide watch for 2 years, solid.

People just LOVE the idea of early reading (snort). Toddlers. Don't. Have. Impulse. Control. The ability to read directions and the fact that toddlers take warning labels AS instructions made my life EXHAUSTING for 2 solid years. Here are just a few examples:

- To open childproof cap: Push down and twist
- To start reciprocating saw; Push orange safety button, then squeeze trigger
- Warning: Do not immerse hair dryer in water
- Warning: Do not drink bleach

Shoot. Me. Now.

Sounds like our second. If she had a soundtrack of her early life, it would sound something: What made you think THAT was a good idea? against a never-ending loop of Nos.

For a while I had to watch her every minute to keep her from climbing on whatever was there so she could "Jump off and fly like the birds". She'd been watching them closely and felt she knew their secret. At 2.5 she grabbed her sister's pocket money and headed out to the store to buy hotdogs. Happily, I caught her 2 seconds later. While my back was turned for a second, she climbed into the dryer and was trying to figure out how to turn it on from the inside. Those are just a few of the highlights.

Oh my. Of course we think our bright, happy daugher is brilliant. But for someone so smart, she can do some silly things. I've contemplated putting her in a bubble, but I am confident she'd still get herself in trouble. Let's see...there was the time she ripped her frenulum. That's the little piece of skin that holds you top lip to the gums. She was doing some sort of gymnastics move when she was 2. It bled a lot, but fortunately, no lasting issues. Maybe a bonus? My BIL is our dentist and she needed a frenulumectomy, because hers was longer than it should be....she took care of that for him.

I've posted before about her playing naked in cayenne pepper. She told anyone who would listen about her "spicy gagina".

There was the ER visit for ingesting medicine. It was high on a shelf, in a pantry, new in the box. In the time it took me to turn on the shower and come back, she was playing in it and telling me it was yucky. I have no idea why we had that Sam's bottle of 300 pills, and I still can't figure out how she got to it. Lesson learned...lock on the pantry and meds are locked in tackle boxes on high shelves.

She's done drastic things with scissors to her hair...twice. And I mean drastic.

Last week she was making big brother laugh. She put a lollipop stick in her ear and shook her head around. Then for some reason she decided to clap her hands over her ears. The pediatrician sent us to a specialist for that one. Thankfully, he doesn't think she caused any permenant damage, he's checking her hearing in two weeks.

Then yesterday I didn't let her watch morning cartoons. I was saving it so I could take a longer shower after some work I needed to do. Put on the tv in the master room, so she'd be close. Stepped in the shower. Thought I heard a faint "help". Listened, nope, must be my imagination. Then it gets louder and louder. Somehow, she managed to lodge herself in between the mattress and the foot board. I had to use my inner Hulk and lift the mattresses off the bed, so she could wiggle out.

Sigh. I think I found my first grey hair this morning. I can't imagine what caused that.

Oh Lord! If you saw home movies of my 10 month old Aubrey climbing onto the very tall hearth and trying to "walk" off, you'd likely have a heart attack! She used to push toys together to be able to climb to them and jump off before she was even a year old. Went to the e.r. at 11 months to get mouth stitches, at 2 for her temple (4 stitches) and again at 2 1/2 for 4 more stitches to her eyebrow.
I felt in constant danger of having cps called on me for her crazyass behaviour! She's still a nut at almost 5, always knocking down lamps practicing gymnastics, etc.
I've been through hell and back with this kid and I thank God every day that I was allowed to be her mama b/c I KNOW that no one else would have not only the patience for her, but the absolute love that only I could give her!
She is a difficult child and she exhausts me every single day. She's so worth it though!

My brother and his best friend, when they were 10, thought they were MacGyver and tried to build a hang glider out of sticks and garbage bags, and then tried flying with it by jumping into a hole in the ground that was being dug for a new house being built. I didn't even know about this until last year. He is almost 36 now and guess what he is? An engineer!

These are a riot!
My 17 month old son climbed before he walked and his favorite game is "Break My Head"...as in "If I do this, will I break my head? How about if I do it harder? How about if I do it harder and from a higher elevation?"
The other night he was playing in the living room next to me and decided to slam his head into our very sturdy, antique wood bar. I looked at him when I heard the THUD and he pulled back, stared at the bar like it bit him, rubbed the red, already swelling spot on his forehead, then chuckled to himself AND DID IT AGAIN. He repeated the whole scene from thud to chuckle four more times until I physically removed him, which he was not happy about at all.
When he's old enough to ask why I drink wine, I think this story is all the explanation needed.