Jewish Guilt

My husband and I come from very different families. We both come from split families but my "parents" are my mom and grandma. I haven't see them as often as I would like since we moved but prior to that, I saw them daily on top of talking to them both on the phone several times a day. I literally called my grandma to just say Hi and I love you about thirty minutes before she died. I can tell you that my husband just sometimes hates the way our relationship functions but I think it's just because he doesn't understand it as he's never had that kind of a relationship. I get where your husband's coming from though. It's not a matter of not wanting to be with you or not cutting the apron strings, it's a matter of maintaining relationships and we all do that by how we previously functioned in them. Sure there is a spouse added into the mix and eventually there will be kids but it doesn't mean you just give up that portion of yourself. While I don't know all of the circumstances, perhaps he's just transitioning. Perhaps he's just missing home. It could be a number of things but your first few years of marriage are going to be all about a balancing act...learning more about each other, habits, wants, needs, desires, dreams; and you'll push boundaries and test the waters because that's how you'll learn to grow together as two individuals. I can tell you that if he's Jewish and you're not, you're going to put a gap between the two of you throwing around terms like "Jewish guilt" and "brainwashed." I can tell you that life is easier when you get along with the inlaws and you put aside your own judgments, which includes leaving his family out of bashing...particularly his mother. I can also say that I have teenage sister that I have to be there for at times and it's part of being the big brother or big sister. That label doesn't vanish with "I do."

My suggestion is this. You like the system as is...fine. YOU keep that system. Give your husband say a dinner night with his family and choose whether or not you want to go along. Just because you're married, does not mean you have to do every little thing together. Let him know your boundaries and use the time to get your nails done, go out with the girls or just have some "me" time (get it in now before the kids!!!!).

My other suggestion is that if you're not Jewish, learn more about it and use it to your advantage! That does mean not quoting the verse from Genesis because he'll laugh at you. For the record, it means to make babies with and become one via the baby. BUT, his roles as a Jewish male are to provide you with food, clothing and sex! That's right...sex is the woman's right and the man's obligation to provide without her asking!

Finally, I just wanted to say thank your lucky stars that you have someone that family means a lot to because that will transfer to you and the kids as well.

Just curious why you both always have to go see his family? It is great that as newlyweds you want to spend so much time together, but you may find that your relationship would benefit from some time apart anyway. Why don't you say that YOU are happy to go over there on Sundays as you have been doing but that if it's important to him HE should feel free to go over and see his family without you another day or night during the week? Your mom may also appreciate some time alone with you. I know my mom does. My husband and I have several activities each week that we do without the other (we each have a girls night and a guys night, I go to yoga while he watches our son on Sat mornings, he goes mountain biking with a group on Sunday mornings and then we always have some family time those afternoons). Granted we are both really independent and wouldn't have it any other way and this may not work for everyone but to me it's simple - you continue going on Sundays and tell him he can go without you iif he wants to see them more than that. Surely you have some things you would enjoy doing on your own while he's with them?

My thinking is if he wants to spend that much time with his family now - just wait til you have kids. If they are that needy already, his family will be calling all the time about wanting to see the kids. And God forbid your parents see them more than his parents do!! And generally, it is the mother's parents that help more with a child. You may become very angry that his parents want to tell you how to raise your children. Unless you want them to raise your children for you, I would be very cautious ever having children with this man until he breaks away a little bit. This may sound extreme, but have you ever thought about moving farther away. Many young couples do this just to be on their own more and get out of the control of their parents and in-laws.

I agree with Alexandra...counseling is the answer. Marriage is not always an easy ride. If you're having this much trouble this early and without kids then you need to get help now. The longer you are in a marriage the more stuff that comes into the mix (kids, jobs, other family members stuff...their marriages/kids, etc.) and you'll need the tools to help you communicate and get through each challenge. I'm going on 15 years and the one thing that could have made the biggest difference would have been to learn how to communicate effectively with each other from the beginning (where neither person gets hurt and feels resentment toward the other). Finding a good therapist that you both feel comfortable with is key.
Good luck,
L.

Sorry if this is offensive, but I really think he just need to grow a pair and learn how to be a man and stand on his own two feet. He is an adult now who is MARRIED. He should want to spend his free time with you. It's odd that he doesn't. Although, I have no doubt when he is at home(mama's house), mommy takes care of his every little need. Need something to drink sweety, would you like me to make you a sandwich pumpkin, Honey you look tired, go take a nap while I do your dishes. Sound familiar??? Your husband needs to grow up and cut those apron strings. He should be embarrassed about his behavior, not defending it.

You are right...this IS your time before kids and you should be enjoying it. However, I have a feeling you will only be more resentful once you have kids. I'm sure they will demand much more time with the baby and probably be overbearing in the caretaking as well, and you will feel left out as a mother.

Sounds like you will need counseling to help him get over his mama issues. Good Luck!

Yes, the advice I can suggest is that the two of you undergo counseling to resolve your different attitudes about families. He has already voiced feeling that this will cause major conflicts in your marriage. I would take that seriously.
Even if you are happy with the current arrangement, he isn't. The two of you might benefit from finding what works for both of you.

Honey he needs to do as the scripture says leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. What is wrong with is father? He needs to tell him what a young Jewish son does for his young bride. If he(the son) can't cut the apron strings then the Father should show him how.