Jealousy at Work and What to Do About It...

I believe that we don't always get to choose how we feel, but we DO get to choose how we react.

I'll be honest, I sometimes feel jealous and/or envious of women who have something that I admire. It might be something as insignificant as a nice wardrobe, or as meaningful as a good relationship to their mom. I can actually use my feelings as a tool to look within and figure out what I want, what I have and what may be missing.

When, for example, I felt envious and jealous of my (amazing, powerful, worked for it herself) friend who's going to nursing school in the Bay, I was able to see how much I desire an education and a career. Instead of letting my feelings eat me up, I can tell her how much I admire her and let her give me information and insight that will help me develop a path for my own education and career. I love hearing her stories because they encourage me. If she can do it, I feel like I can do it. Her experience helps me to remember my own potential.

In this particular instance, my friend is childless. She is about my age and has chosen not to have children yet. There's a part of her that wants to be a mother and wants to do that now - she's giving that dream time, so that she can finish her degree first. So I get to have her stay with me when she visits and she is an "auntie" to my kids. She's able to benefit from my life and I'm able to benefit from hers. That we both look up to each other and learn from each other brings us closer together. We are able to give each other insight from our very different realities and can be a great support network to each other.

I looked at your profile and it appears that you have four children (she only has one). No wonder you feel tapped and don't always have time to pursue hobbies! Between work, children, your house and your husband, you have a ton on your plate. Shoot, I admire you for being able to do all of that. I also think it's admirable that you know how you are feeling and are bringing it up. It shows a lot of courage and accountability. It sounds to me like you are actually quite in awe of this friend. Try to remember how amazing you are too!

It sounds like maybe you feel out of balance and that you don't feel like you have the space to tend to other facets of your life and being. Perhaps there is a way that one evening out of the week is YOUR time. If that means reading trashy magazines and taking a bath, then great! If it means pursuing a craft or art, fantastic! If it means shopping and finding something special and within your budget, wonderful! Or perhaps you could spend time on a work project. It could be anything that helps you feel good about who YOU are. Because, IMHO, when we get to feeling this way about someone else, it's NEVER about them. It's about how we feel about ourselves.

Good luck!

I know what you are talking about. I have family members that I feel the same way about, but once you really, I mean, really get to know them and what goes on in their lives, you will be surprised at how lucky YOU are. Through my experiences with family, colleagues, and friends, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. The path you follow in your life is YOUR path...so, instead of envying this lady, you can pick up a few things from her to make your life more fulfilling.:) I'm a strong believer in that God brings people into our lives for a reason. If we open our minds and our hearts, we can benefit from others.

I don't agree with some of the posters who look to find cracks in that woman's exterior so that in turn you can feel better about yourself.... That is but a temporary solution if you can even call it that... Looking for faults in another is not going to make you a better person. There will always be someone in life who seemingly has more than you or is more talented and so forth. I think what you need to work on is why you feel so inadequate and look for ways to improve your self-esteem. Additionally, perhaps befriend that woman you seem to also admire. My son once said to me that he was tired of his classmate winning all the time, To that I said.. don't be tired of him winning , be tired of losing.... strive to do better but not at the sake of someone else losing... set your goals higher for yourself , look for ways to improve yourself... and above all, stop comparing yourself to others... in the end, that will only bring you heartache... same goes for you... that woman is who she is.. you can't change that.. but you can begin to change you... I bet if you sat down and wrote a list of all your great qualities, you'd find many... begin there... begin with you..........tend to your own garden in life, not someone elses... and remember, you needn't feel inferior to anyone else... that only breeds resentment... we are all human and the only thing that is different are the thoughts we think... choose to think positively about YOU and your world will change immediately..

blessings

All I can say is you NEVER know what is going on in someone else's life. She may look put together, but she could be horribly depressed drinking a six pack every day with a lonely life. I would write a list of all the things you are greatful for and all of your good attributes. When you feel jealous, look at the list and then remember, no one is perfect---let it go. Good luck!

M

For much of my life I was the woman you describe. Everyone thought I had the perfect life. The problem was that the whole time I was slowly dying inside. My and my children's clothing were all nice, however, it was because I spent hours searching the thrift stores. My handsome, romantic, pilot husband was cheating on me for the entire 17 years we were married and only a few people even knew. I was severely depressed and yet attended all kinds of church functions, taught lessons, planned events, and looked well put together always. I was perfect at what I called "fake facing."

Now, this does not mean her life might not actually be as fabulous as it looks. The point is that you have absolutely no way of knowing. You are creating a story in your head about what her life is like and yet you have no real knowledge. I was really good about creating stories in my head and believing them. Not only did I pretend to the outside world that my life was fabulous, I imagined everyone else's lives actually were.

The other side of this coin is the fact that you probably have an extremely vicious voice in your head, that you are mostly unconcious to, that is constantly screaming about how unworthy, unloveable, and/or inadequate you are. This is the place of healing. Jealousy is really about "I'm not good enough." Not about the other person. Regardless of what anyone else's life is like, the true foundation for peace is an internal job. You can never dress well enough, get enough done, have enough things, have enough of the right friends, etc. As long as the voice in your head is convincing you that you aren't good enough then you will never find peace.

The antidote is awareness,curiosity, and questioning. Be curious about what you believe about yourself. Most especially, what you believe you "should" be like. Become aware of the voice in your head and question deeply all the bs that you have been fed since you were little. We too often just buy in to everything we have heard rather than taking a moment to question whether that is really true for us or whether we actually want to beleive it.

I believed the thought "I am inadequate" most of my life. To try and prove this wrong I became a perfectionist. It almost killed me. Since I have learned to inquire into my beliefs I know a peaceful and creative life that I never dreamed of. It isn't that bad things don't happen anymore, it is just that I deal with them from a completely different perspective and a place of empowerment where I have choice. Inadequate is now irrelevant in my life. Of course, I am inadequate. However, that doesn't mean anything. I am a great mom, I am a good coach, I have wonderful friends and family of choice. No, I am not perfect. Perfection is a ridiculous concept that was created to control people through fear. I no longer buy in to that belief system. I am flawed and wonderful and creative and opinionated and a mess and fun and emotional, etc.

Be aware that the phrase "eating at me" can become physical. One mom posted that idea that jealousy is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Our blame and judgments of ourselves and others are what causes our physical illnesses.

OK. My former boss was just like the woman you described. After working with her quite a while and becoming close with her, I found out many things about her life. Her marriage was not good, but she hid it from others. She was incredible insecure and often binged after she ate. If she wasn't wearing the newest trend, she felt ugly. She felt unappreciated by her husband.
What I'm trying to say, is you only know how she looks on the outside. How her life looks on the outside. Every person has struggles, insecurities, places they feel they fall short. Everyone's life has something they wish they could change. She is NOT as perfect as you think she is. Chances are, if you were given her life you wouldn't think it's so amazing. There's a reason "The grass is always greener..." is a saying.

Just keep in mind that NO O. has every single part of their life *together* at all times. Not you, not her. Focus on your own strengths and abilities. Seriously, the fastest route to the Crazy Train is comparing yourself to others!

Sometimes jealousy can be a good thing, if it leads you to reevaluate where you are going in life and what you want to make of yourself. Keeping in mind that your colleague's life may not be as rosy as it appears from the outside, what are the things you admire most about her and her life? What do you want out of your life? This might be a great time for you to start taking some classes. Throw yourself into something new. Develop some of your own talents. This will help you feel more fulfilled and less jealous.

I agree with the other answers you got. A few years ago, I met a wonderful lady who was the PTA president at my kids' school. She seemed having everything that one could wish for: a gorgeous home, a very nice husband and beautiful kids. She was also a very nice, talented and good looking person. I really admired her. Then not long after, her marriage felt apart (I wasn't closed enough to know why), they sold the house and she even lost custody of the kids.
As one of the moms suggested, you might want to learn from that lady. And if she is nice and friendly to you, include her as a friend, not an adversary, then your jealousy might go away.
Good luck

I totally understand, I feel that way about one of my very best friends who I also work with. It's hard to be jealous of a friend. I try to remind myself of that story of a duck - it looks like it's gliding along effortlessly, but really, under the water, its little legs are paddling furiously. I think that some of us are just better at hiding our paddling than others.

I don't really have any advice other than to work on being confident in yourself and your abilities, especially at work. Perhaps she is actually jealous of you? You never really know how others are feeling.

I dont think you are jealous, you sound more intrigued by her than anything else. You should strike up conversations with her and get to know her. Birds of a feather flock together, and since you are curious about her getting to know her would help you to learn how to "appear" more together as you feel she is.

Jealousy is such a hard thing, I feel your pain. I know others said that no one is ever as together as they seem, and this is true- but I know for me it is usually not a big consolation. And I think it makes us in the position of hoping they aren't? That seems to take us down the wrong path.

I think I used to spend so much time trying to combat the jealousy in the wrong way. If someone dressed better than me, I would try to improve my own wardrobe, if they were outgoing, I either tried to make myself more so or find reasons to justify why I wasn't. This was silly.

Here's what I've found. You have to start by just living in the feeling. Don't try to talk yourself out of being jealous or compete or justify. Just acknowledge to youself how you feel. You may realize that it's a passing thing and not as powerful as you thought, or it may highlight some areas for you that you would like to improve.

Since it sometimes feels better to at least know you are not the only one, I'll share my story. My neighbor across the street is absolutely gorgeous. Perfect house, perfect kids, wonderful hubby. I remember thinking when we moved in "great, I have to see this stepford wife every day!". When I finally just accepted how I felt, and even joked with her that I'll be known as the 'plain one' across the street, I felt tons better. I won't ever look like her, and I run my life very differently from her. But really, I'm happy. And once it just faded, I was surprised by her one day. She is always running around town- PTA president, church volunteer, etc., etc. One day she came home and I was playing with my daughter in the front yard. We got to talking and she said how much she envied the time I spend with my daughter, because she feels like all she does is drive her kids from place to place. I wasn't happy to know she had an 'issue', but it did reinforce the no one is perfect thing. She is still gorgeous, great house, hubby, family. But I'm still happy to be me.

Good luck, it's a tough thing.

Not everyone's life is perfect, even when it seems like it is to us outsiders. Stop comparing yourself to her, really just put it out of your mind. Focus more on you and less on her. Instead, work on your goals. Think of ways to dress creatively with what you have, or make a budget and get a few new cardigans and belt/shoes to spruce up your wardrobe, you can find really great deals at places like ross/marshalls. Challenge yourself to do new projects, ask your management for new tasks and training.

First of all I think it's awesome that you have identified these feeling in yourself rather than the alternative!! Bravo!! My advice is twofold: why don't you ASK her how she does it? I mean, just genuinely ask her how she gets to be so creative, or how she has time to scrapbook, or whatever you are interested in. I will bet that she woul dbe flattered and happy that you asked and would be happy to share with you how she got the project or how she makes time for scrapbooking or give you some insight to her life.
My other advice is to fake it until you make it. You'd be surprised how far acting takes you in life. Act like you want to be... and over time you will be that person. I have done this, and I promise you it works. Not over night... but it works. Confidence is something that is so ambiguous - how you get it and how you use it... but if you just start acting it... that is a start.

Of course there is a great possibility that you don't know the whole story, and as you get to know it, you may be happy that you don't have the luxuries she seems to have - maybe her husband travels a lot or something, but I prefer to focus on the positive and think that this is an opportunity for you to learn and expand. Only looking at the negative to make yourself feel better will turn you into an insecure and resentful person, and you don't want that!!

There's an old saying that being jealous is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.

I've been in your shoes, and I think you already know that it's not her problem; it's yours. You think she has it all together. You have no idea. You just have the perception.

All the information you have is what you see with your eyes and what she says in your presence. You don't know what happens when she's not in your sight, or what else is going on that she doesn't talk about. In a public place (like a workplace), many people are inclined to talk about the good things, the safe things, and not whine about what's wrong. Actually, this lady may go home every night and weep. I hope she doesn't, and I'm sure you hope she doesn't, but the point is that we have no idea what really goes on inside other people.

Did you ever wonder what people think you're like? Someone might think you might have it all together, too.

So what do you do about it? If I were in your place, my religious convictions would prompt me to pray for her - FOR her, not ABOUT her. There's a huge difference! And that certainly gets things back in the right perspective for me.

But if you don't have such convictions, you can still be FOR this woman by a conscious decision of your mind. You can be glad that she wears nice clothes because they're always a delight for you to see. You can be glad if she has a happy marriage and family (I think that's what you meant - not that her 12-year-old son is married), because that's a good thing for anyone to have. If she has creative interests, you have the opportunity to ask her questions about them and learn something. You will have to DECIDE what your attitude is going to be, not just let one pop up and control you!

And although you're grateful for what you have, you'll need to be more deliberate about it. Your clothes are better than a lot of other people's! You do have a job! There are a lot of happy things about you that you can call to mind! You'll need to be more conscious about focusing on the good things of your own life. That will help get you out of your trap.

Oh. Something else. Right now, stay away from gossip as if it were the plague! If other people talk about this gal behind her back (or even if they talk about somebody else), it's going to make it harder for you to get out of your own negative feelings. If it means avoiding your friends at lunch time, avoid them for a while and go for a walk!

Well I do get what you're saying. I agree with the others that it might not be as it seems, so my advice is to get to know her! If you talk with her more and know her better you may see some chinks in that perfect armor! I have a friend that seems to have it all together too and it's nice to see her mess up or get mad or have her child misbehave! ;) Plus, if you get to know her you might find some of her "secrets" that you can add to your own life! I also recommend finding time for yourself. Make sure you try to plan date nights for you and hubby and you and some girlfriends. Get some time without your kiddos for a while!

If I were you (and I have huge jealousy issues), I would revamp my wardrobe my going to thrift stores (otherwise, you will not be able to that keep up).

Go get my hair done, professionally.

Get my nails done.

Learn to smile.

Fake it--just like she probably is..

Lately I've been learning that we are each given unique trials that are specifically designed to help make us into the person we are each meant to become. We all have various circumstances in life whether it is in our relationships, our financial status, our talents, our parenting styles, etc. What matters is that we recognize the ways we need to make improvements in our own lives and we work towards becoming the best person we can be (I believe we each have a greater potential than most of us realize). It's easy to look at other people and see (from our limited perspective) all the great things about their lives, and be jealous of them. I think for me it's easy to be jealous of the people that I actually know very well, like family members and close friends who I know really do have great lives even with their various challenges they face. The key is to understand that even though we may not have the "perfect husband" or "perfect children" or we are not the "most talented artist", those imperfections may very well be the very thing that we need in oder to learn and grow and become the person we wouldn't have the ability to become otherwise. I hope this makes sense. It's hard to get my thoughts out exactly. I guess my point is that we need to be grateful for our own personal circumstances in life, the good and the bad. We should rejoice in the beautiful things, and actively work at fixing the negative things little by little until our lives become the best that is within our power to make them.

Those people we know who seem to "have it all together" definitely have their own set of challenges too. And if they are genuinely happy and truly have many talents it's probably because they have learned through experience and trial and error how to become that way. That is something to admire and to aspire to be like. Maybe your colleague would be jealous of the fact that you have more children, and that you have the energy to be a great Mom to lots of kids. You probably look at your life and feel like you have no time to do things for yourself because you are working and being a busy Mom at the same time. But you are doing your best, and that's what counts!

You know, she might not be as "together" as you think she is, if that's any consolation. People are seldom that together...but I do know a lot of people who put on fronts, and it comes off as fake if you really look at it.

Or, it's possible, she might just be the type that's good at everything and likes everyone, etc. One way to achieve that is super-confidence, which you get by having successes. No one is naturally super confident. But if you start trying things outside your comfort zone, you might be surprised.

What are you jealous about? If it's a position, YOU try for it. Do you want to make cards, or scrapbook? Then just get started! You never know...she might only dedicate ten minutes a week to these hobbies, and sometimes that's enough. You could try it.

Or if all the things you are jealous about are things that you couldn't really care less about...well, I don't know. Just evaluate if you would want these things even if you'd never met her.

And of course, the Bible really helps with problems like this. You are who you are, and not anyone else. :)

Instead of just being grateful for what you have, celebrate it! We're all dealt a different hand, and it's all in how you play it.

If you're jealous of her outfits, then try to put some style into your own wardrobe - accessories are an inexpensive way to up your style. If you're jealous of her freedom, then make a little time for yourself and your interests - it doesn't have to be hours a week; just take 30 minutes a day and do something for YOU.

Be proud and confident in yourself and who you are. Believe you're awesome, carry yourself as such and soon others will see you the same way.