I've Got a SCREAMER!!! Help!

Try the video "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Dr. Karp. It teaches you how to communicate in ther language so that you do not get frustrated. Spanking (though a personal choice for each family) is not the best answer. It teaches them how to hit.

Hi K. -

My son is 4 now but had a looong phase of screaming similar to what you described. His music and movement teacher told me as he talks more and more, the screaming becomes less and eventually goes away. I didn't believe her because he had a very advanced vocabulary for his age and was speaking very well and clearly. But somewhere around 2 1/2 he did stop and now speaks like he's 10! :) Even though he spoke well he wasn't able to communicate as effectively as he wanted, thus the screaming...he still can get kind of shrill and ear piercing when he's having a lot of fun, but for the most part, he knows when it is not appropriate to be loud and if he forgets, a simple reminder to use inside voice works.

So hopefully same will be true for you.

One little trick that sometimes worked -I would whisper back to him and say I could only understand if he used his whispering voice (which as he got older became his inside voice!)

Good luck!

My guess is that she does it to get attention. When you step back and look at the facts....I see you have a 3 month old as well. Chances are that your 2 year old was getting all the attention until the baby came along.....and now she has to share her home, her time and her mommy! This is confusing to a 2 year old, but she lacks the verbal skills to discuss it with you! She has discovered that her screaming gets you to drop everything and deal with her! Even a spanking, which is negative attention, is still attention. It is hard to ignore a screaming child, especially in public, but that's exactly what you have to do. Pay her no attention whatsoever. When she's NOT screaming, give her lots and lots of love and attention. If she does it in public, take her outside if you have to...but don't even look at her or acknowledge her when she is behaving that way. You need to send a loud and clear message....through your actions, not just words....that screaming is not the way to get your attention and in fact will have the opposite effect. If you're home, walk away from her when she starts to scream (of course be sure she is safe).

Also, if you can, try to find a way to have someone else take care of the baby for an hour or so, so that you and your 2 year old can have some one-on-one time together. Take her to the playground or beach, or take a swimming class together....something where she gets you all to herself. What she needs most right now is to feel loved, because in her little world, the love was cut in half when she had a sister! Of course that is not true, but she cannot understand that. Make sure you praise her for her good qualities and for being a big girl. Even let her help you take care of the baby a little bit....let her see that being the big sister is actually a good position to be in!

Explain to her that there are 3 ways to speak. whispers, like in church or the library. Normal, like when you talk to each other, and loud, which she can use at the park os sometimes at the playground. Make a game of it. She'll catch on quickly. If she screams, whisper back. Tell her you don't understand what she's saying; to whisper if she wants or needs something. When you watch tv with her or if shomthing exciting happens, clap and be noisy. She'll understand.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you about the screaming, but I just wanted to say that it's not your fault!!!!! It made me sad to hear that it breaks your heart. I understand your feelings....our hearts really do break over things our children do, but remember--they do have their own personalities and will be themselves (thank goodness, or we'd get carbon-copies of ourselves....scary!).

I've struggled with getting some of my self-worth from how my children behave, but now that I watch someone else's child too, I've realized that we can't (and really don't want to) direct every single aspect of their behavior/lives in every moment. If you keep this in mind, it's easier to say, "Man, my daughter had a hard day--I'm ready to pull my hair out!" than, "I'm a horrible mom!"

Keep your chin up--you've got so much on your plate with a new addition to the family. This is a time of disequilibrium...things will get smoother over time!! You're doing so much, and obviously putting your heart into it. I'm sure you're a WONDERFUL mother!!

Not sure if this will work for your daughter but it worked for mine.

I take my daughter to daycare and she was actually to the point that the school was going to kick her out. Something had to be done about her behavior. I took her to child counseling and things would be good for a while and then later it would get bad again. Seems that sleep was one primary cause, so I did my best to make sure she got more of it. The lack of sleep caused her to lash out and overreact.

Then the final winner...!!!
I noticed her attitude one day when we were looking at pictures of her happy. I noticed they made her feel really good. I printed 10 cards with happy pictures of her on them. Then every morning she got to pick one out and take it to school with her. She showed it to all her friends and teachers and shared the story of the pic and what it meant to her. Now the good part... If she acted out at school or home, she was told to give the card back. When the card was taken away she felt sad and recognized that it was a consequence to her behavior. I had no need to come up with any other methods of punishment for her lashing out and the behavior stopped as long as I gave her a card every morning. Trick is that the card is only a representation of one behavior. In other words, if she colored on the walls I would not take her card away, she got a different form of punishment. To me it seemed to show her that as much as it hurts when I take that pic away from her, her behavior hurts others around her.

I think this process could work just as well with a toy or item that she charishes. I suggest taking her to the store to buy a toy and explaining that this is a special toy for good behavior. If she lashes out, it will taken away and only returned the next day.

Whenever I hear of a child who has a hard time controlling herself, I wonder if it could be caused by the same thing that my family has a sensitivity to. Do you think that it is a behavioral thing, parenting style, a food sensitivity, etc.? For us, it was a food sensitivity that caused the most severe behavior problems. Red dye 40 was ruining our lives and we didn't have a clue! We since then eliminated all synthetic (man-made) artificial dyes from our foods. I created a blog to help other people find out what they need to know about red dye and other artificial dyes. It is not for profit. www.reddyefree.blogspot.com.
With a food sensitivity issue, the child gets easily frustrated, can not seem to cope (even with time outs, or other means of discipline). After eliminating from the diet, this child would be able to cope with discipline and not get easily frustrated. Food dye sensitivity caused an altered perception about things - my child was easily angered by things that would not typically upset him. He was more aggressive, hit others, and had a depressed look on his face.
If you feel that this is just a behavioral issue than there are many great books like 1,2,3 Magic
or A New Kid by Friday, Levine (my favorite one). This one is worth reading regardless.
I wish you the best. I hope it is just a phase. I good way of checking if she is sensitive to dyes is to have her drink some water with a little red dye 40 and see if her behavior worsens within 1 to 2 hours. Or just eliminate and see if you notice any difference. Regardless, without this stuff we would all do better off.

My 23 month old is going through the same phase. It passes. As their vocabulary continues to grow and they begin to formulate sentences and express themselves the screaming will cease. She may know words but not know how to use them to express her frustration, anger, exhaustion and even excitement. My four year old went throught the same thing and sure enough....as her vocabulary grew her volume went down. HOWEVER......my first daughter ended up needing tubes from reocurring ear infections and was at her loudest when her ears were filled with fluid. My 23 month old has had similar struggles in the last 3 months causing her volume to be louder than normal because of fluid in her ears. They just can't hear themselves. So in addition to investing in some ear plugs, embracing this as a phase that will pass I highly suggest having her ears checked. By the way the ear plugs are not intended to ignore her but to make the volume tolerable so that I don't get rattled, I can hear myself and refrain from trying to speak OVER her.

I know exactly what you’re going through. My daughter (who is seven years old) went through the same stage. I took to her to the doctor and everything and basically they told me there was nothing wrong with her. They just informed us that’s just her character. Meaning that she’s a very strong will person and that we would have to work with her while she gets older. The more attention you give her while she’s doing it; it’s going to get worse. I learned to understand her and work around her. We taught her by reacting the way she does is not going to get her what she wants. Patience is the number one thing you need to have when you have a child like this. Time out and not acknowledging a lot of the tantrums’ she has helped my daughter. They will understand that things will not always go the way they want.
My daughter has made a wonderful change. She doesn’t have any tantrums or cries for anything; unless she gets hurt. We give our kids the love and attention they need; but they have to understand that not all the attention is always going to be about them and for things to go their way.
Don’t get upset; your doing a great job. As we all mom’s know; we have the hardest job in the world. Take it day by day with her and things will work out just fine for you.

C.

Always rule out a physical problem first before assuming it's a personality or behavior issue. Call your pedicatrician and see if they want to have her ears tested. It could also be a sensory issue (though I'm not quite sure how they "test" for that, but your pediatrician will help figure it out). I have a friend whose son had both-- he did need tubes in his ears, but I think his bigger issue was a sensory problem. He always screamed when there was anything too overstimulating for him. She paid close attention and tried to figure what the triggers were, then helped him try to avoid a situation that would stress him, and figured out way to help soothe him if he was freaking out. Every child is different. In the meantime, I agree with the poster who said to speak softly to her when she is being loud. Seriously lower your voice to a calm whisper, which is very hard to do when someone else is being so loud. It an instinct to naturally want to talk LOUDER than her so she can hear you telling her to stop being so loud!

My middle daughter was like that. I tried time-outs, spanking and the only thing I found bearable was to shut her in her room until she decided to stop. That way she did not bother anybody else. She did it for an hour 1 time. I had to remove my self from the situation because she would make me mad too. Terrible two's is a phase, but my son was far worse at 3!

It will get better!

My daughter is now almost 11 and has a real character to her, she is a regular comedien.

M. F

Sounds somewhat normal for that age. When you do ask her not to scream do you also explain to her what the right action would be, like "Use your words"?

God help you, dear. She sounds over the edge excitable.
Forget the spanking, it only shows your frustration.
Have your pediatrician check for hormone imbalance. It's not for menopause only...we go through this our whole lives and "terrible two's", puberty and menopause are just the three outrageous shifts we endure.
Men should have their hormonal balance checked as well.
Viagra is a band-aid.
Back to your daughter, whoa, when she starts her craziness, have her do an activity that spends her energy: a punching bag, a re-bounder (jumping) or a karaoke tape, so she can sing like Madonna...i.e there are other avenues to vent this high energy.
Blessings, S.

Hi K.- I assume from your letter that when she screams she just goes "ahhhhhhhhhh" or is she screaming words. If it is just a scream, I would check with the doc to make sure it isnt a ticking issue. She could have a disorder, like Tourettes, which causes ticking and her tick is screaming. Just a thought. I certainly hope I am wrong and she is just so full of life and excitement she cant contain herself. Good luck. Please let us know the outcome.

Have you thought of having a rewards box, jar. chart etc. Explain to her that every time that she uses her inside voice and does not scream she will get to put a gold coin in the jar or a gold star on her chart. If she screams then she loses a coin or a star.At the end of the day if she has coins or stars left she gets a treat.The both of you can decide together what the treat will be.Eventually she won't need the coins or the stars.

All I have to say is welcome to the "twos". Kids this age love to scream/ yell all the time. That is his/her way of communicating even though we don't like it. My son who is almost 4 still does this at times. I have heard that girls are more like this than boys and I have two 18 month old twin girls so I will be experiencing this soon too.

I am not a doctor but if you think she is developing correctly and doing things she is supposed to be doing then I would just say it is her just being a 2 year old little girl. It will soon pass. It is just nerve racking for us parents b/c we think it is loud.

Good luck at whatever you do to get her to calm down.

I too went through this when my daughter was two. She's a little over two and a half now and it's much better. I think my daughter did it when she was mostly excited and it was a very loud ear piercing scream, so I know what you're talking about. She would even do it at restaurants at times and I would have to distract her with something else or just give her coke (which she LOVES but knows she can't have) in order to make her stop. I think she like the attention when she screamed. She knew that it would get us all to look at her and make her stop and she would look at us and giggle as if to say "ha ha I got your attention now"!

I think the fact that you have a 3 month old is making her want more attention. And even if you pay enough attention to her she knows that she's no longer the center of your universe and she now has to share your undivided attention with her little sister! If you're at home and she does that begin to ignore her and pretend you don't hear her scream. When I started doing that with my daughter she would look at me and get closer and do it again to get me to look up. I literally didn't make a face or raise an eyebrow. Eventually, it started to upset her more than me and she would even tell me, "mommy, Bella's screaming" and when she would talk I would talk but when she would yell, I would just completely ignore her until she learned that wouldn't get my attention. She's over it now. good luck!

I'd work on not feeling embarrassed by her screaming and not paying attention to it unless there is a real major need or genuine problem she's screaming about that needs attending to. It may just dissipate if you stop paying attention to it and stop feeling uncomfortable with it. If nothing is actually a problem and she's screaming, then you just foster more screaming to get attention when you react to it.

My daughter has one of those ear-piercing screams too. She's not doing it to be nasty, she just does it. If she gets scared, gets hurt, or is just playing with her brother, she screams and you can hear her for miles around (or at least it seems like it!). We've talked about it, I always tell her not to scream so loud, I assume eventually she'll grow out of it.

My screamer is now 3 1/2. Everytime she started screaming I would put my hands over my ears and talk real softly to her. Sometimes I would just move my lips without saying a word 9 times out of 10 she would stop so that she can try to hear what I was saying to her. Good luck.

i know how you feel. my husband just read it and said "are you sure that is not an old post from you". our daughter is 3 1/2 and still screaming. it hurts my head. i have been yelled at on the airplane, at her preschool(she attends six hours a week). and had many dirty looks. sometimes she is an absolute angel though.
i think this is how they are. we have tried everything we can think of to stop it. i guess we have to make the best of it. invest in some ear plugs. no really and pass them out.

Neither of my children were screamers (thank goodness). I know some who are, though. Not being the parent, I am not present all the time so I don't know what the parents reactions are each time. That could play a role in the screaming.
You didn't mention how long this has been going on... is it new since her sister was born?
My recommendation is to ignore her. Really. She probably does it because it benefits her in some way. The problem is to figure out how she is benefiting from it. Is it lots of coddling from you? Praise for whatever she has done that has her excited? Getting you to give her what she wants WHEN she wants it (perhaps your undivided attention?)? If she isn't doing it as a form of manipulation for attention, then maybe it is just her personality. Some children are just naturally louder. People are that way generally. Some people are considered "quiet" and others are "the life of the party" types. Maybe her basic personality is just BIG. Everybody knows at least one kid on the block who doesn't know what an "inside voice" is. Try not to sweat it too much. If it is just her nature, ignore it and don't punish her for it; help her learn what to do instead that would be more appropriate for the situation. If it is manipulations, ignoring it will deprive her of the reward and the screaming should diminish over time. Give her lots of attention when she is doing things "right" instead... ("how nice that you played quietly while the baby was napping"). Have you tried explaining things to her? What I mean is, have you told her that the screaming "hurts my ears"? Sometimes, explaining things in a way that they can understand can help them control the behavior better. "That's too loud" doesn't mean a whole lot to her right now. "That hurts my ears" is more tangible. Give her lots of practice in "inside voices" and "outside voices"... take her out and take turns seeing who can yell the loudest, so that it is okay to yell and scream. Give her plenty of opportunities to use that scream... outside. Then remind her that she needs to use "inside voices" when she begins screaming at an inappropriate time.

I don't know if I've been much help... but I feel your frustration. Hang in there.

I wish I could help!! Mt three year old boy is doing the exact same thing! Hoping to gain answers from your question! Good luck!