Hi Mama's,
My son started Kindergarten this year, and he is doing a full day schedule. I just got a call from his Principal, he got in trouble AGAIN today. To his defense, the other little boy seemed to have started it with him at recess, but my son apperantly "finished it" by throwing the other boy to the ground where he bumped his forehead. No serious injury thank goodness, but a trip to the office for both boys and phone calls home, none the less. He got sent to the office again in December when my hubby and I were out of town briefly, and he was in the care of our regular sitter. This time it was a spitting match between him and another boy from his class while they were again at recess. He also hit a little girl on the bus last week, when their play ALSO got out of hand, it went from footsies, to harder kicking then she spit in his face and he then slapped her in retaliation. In alll three instances, it always involves other kids that he is actually FRIENDS with, it just seems their play gets too harsh and out of hand, and someone crosses a line he does not like and he takes it too far in reaction. To my knowledge, he has never maliciously attacked another child for no reason. So, I'm just wondering if this is just "boy behavior" and will it eventually calm down? He does seem remorseful, and wrote a note of apology to his friend that he is going to give him tomorrow, and we always do have a discussion when he has these altercations. He has also spent time in his room as a punishment. we also always tell him he needs to tell an adult or teacher if someone is giving him trouble that he does not like. I just REALLY hate getting calls from the Principal and I of course always worry that he is going to seriously hurt another child. Any advice or input would be great. Thank you so much, Ladies!!! ;-)
***AND TO BE CLEAR.... I HAVE told him repeatedly that hitting, kicking, punching, spitting, etc is NOT allowed at any time, and I really came unglued when he slapped the little girl last week, telling him it is NEVER ok to hit a girl. I just wanted to make that clear and known. Thanks again.
Thank you to all who responded. I think I got some pretty good feedback and some directions in which to take this. I think the role-playing is a great way and we are going to give it a try.
Nope just sounds like regular 'ol boy stuff to me. It's embarassing for mom to get the calls, but nothing serious.
Hello Mama,
I actually had a parent come to me for help with a similar situation with her 4 year old, (I'm a parent coach). Part of the problem is your son does not know when to stop a "game." I think it would help a lot to help your son realize how to walk away from a situation once it goes from playful behavior to serious naughty behavior.
To do this, role play an recent experience and have your son talk about what he could do to stop or to walk away from it. He needs to learn the signs that playtime has gotten out of hand, I think that is the real issue here.
I hope this points you in the right direction on how to work through this. It helped the Mom I worked with.
R. Magby
I completely agree with those mamas who have already responded that this IS NOT just typical boy behavior and that you can and should take steps to correct it before it gets worse. Yes, boys can have a tendency to goof off and generally be louder, cruder, and more physical than girls. However, that does not translate into it is normal and okay for them to get into spit fights and to kick, hit, slap, etc. for any reason. I disagree with those on this site who have said not to worry about it, just to let it go and that the school is overreacting/over-disciplining. I don't think you should fret too much because I think you can get it under control fairly easily as long as you are firm and consistent. But the school is absolutely doing the right thing in bringing this behavior to your attention (and that of the other kids' parents) and doing what they can to put an end to this behavior now rather than letting these kids turn into teenagers who do not know how to behave properly and are constantly acting out of line and getting into fights and generally disruptive.
Why shouldn't he ever hit a girl if she punched him out. Girls can be tough. This isn't the 1880's when my forebearers came to America.
Mind you I taught my children pacifist methods of dealing with troublesome children.
Schools are far too intolerant of small children who get in fights. Today they punish for everything. You have to defend your child or the school authorities will walk all over him and you. I did speak up for my kids and sometimes I did tell the teacher she was out of bounds. After all I had been a school teacher and had a better education than most teachers. You wouldn't believe the ignorant beliefs some of them carry around. And, most women teachers are far nicer to girls than to boys.
My grandson behaved just like yours in the all day kindergarten. He was tough and ready difficult and the best student.
Now he's matured and seldom is there a fight. He usually wins the verbal arguments. He's the top student as usual and he has made some friends.
No, not typical - your son reaches a level of frustration and his emotions take over in his attempts to sove a problem - you and your husband need to help him figure out what he's trying to commuicate when he goes to the extremes and practice with him, over and over, new responses. My guess is that he needs practice stopping when someone else says stop (get creative with role plays you can do with him!), and he needs practice verbalizing to others to stop and asking adults for help (e.g., did you practice a script so that he can tell the teacher what is happening?). Bottom line, you can't just tell him what to do, you have to practice with him. If possible, take him to the playground or some other place where you can watch him and intervene/coach him in real-time so that he really gets what you are trying to do! Maybe even ask the teacher if you can spend a day in the classroom so that you can work with him/coach him. The fact that he is not responding to punishment should tell you that you need to give him some skills that are not currently in his repertoire - I'm sure he is not doing this on purpose, and he does not like the way things are going - downside of punishment is that it doesn't teach him anything new! Good luck!
OMG, your school sends kindergarteners to the principal's office? The teacher should be reinforcing 'using their words' and no hitting. But this is still age appropriate behavior. I would try modeling what behaviors you do want him to use instead. For example - with the girl on the bus, he could say - stop kicking me, I don't like that, moved to a different seat or told the bus driver (probably the last option) before it escalated. Giving him tools to use will likely work a lot better than punishing him. I suspect he already knows what not to do, he just doesn't know what to do instead or how to avoid having a situation escalate into a fight. I agree that he shouldn't hit anyone, but if he is going to why not a girl - after all she did spit at him.
Usually 5 year old behavior depends on behavior and consequences for it from the ages 2-5. Was he given consequences stronger than time in his room and being told these things are not OK when he was younger? If so, were they consistent every time he even began to try any acts of aggression such as hitting, kicking biting etc EVERY SINGLE TIME? If he was sort of allowed to do these things, as in just talked to and put in his room, he doesn't understand how grave they are. In order for a child to know something is a capital offense, you have to treat it like one, and then they'll know it naturally form then on. My brother and I would NEVER in a thousand years have done these things to other kids because if it got back to a parent or teacher in those days-ooh WEE-you did not want that to happen. By five he's old enough for the knowledge of wrongness to be set in stone on his own, so good work addressing this now. This site/book could help if you have not already done all the things it advises.
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com
It sounds like your son is not mean, he's just at an age where he needs to learn good boundaries and impulse control. That takes practice and perseverance on your part. Is it typical boy behavior? I'd say yes to a point, but it is not acceptable, especially in school so it's better to deal with it now than accept it as "typical" and have it cause more problems for him later.
It might help to role-play with him on how to respond when he's playing with friends and they get carried away by spitting or hitting. He can talk about what he should do if.... and then show you. I've heard that pretending 3x has the same effect on the brain as doing it once, so when he play-acts good behavior, it is setting a pattern of good responses that he is more likely to do out of habit when the real situation presents itself.
I don't know about "typical" or not. My son never did any of those things. But he is calmer than a lot of "typical" boys seem to be, too. He's a little more sensitive and thoughtful, as in, not aggressive. It's not that he is afraid, just more passive. (He is a black belt in Tang Soo Do, and they teach you to walk away if you can in situations, but he has always been the more non-confrontational type. The peacemaker type).
Anyway.... it would not be considered typical in OUR household.
For us, the rule is and always has been, "Keep your hands to yourself".
Later on, when your son is in higher grades, putting his hands on another student (grabbing, pushing, shoving, etc) can earn him some time in ISS (in school suspension) faster than you can blink.
Rather than trying to teach him how not to let things 'get out of hand'... explain to him exactly what "out of hand" is. No uncertain terms, such as: "You are not allowed to push, shove, hit, kick or spit at another person at any time." Not even playing around. It IS possible for kids to play without doing those things. Believe it or not.. It's true! My 2 (boy and girl) do it daily and have for YEARS. They are 9 and 12. And my son doesn't play that way with his close friends at school either. If they do not engage in play that begins with hands-on, then it can't go too far. I am having to have a talk with a dear friend of mine later this week, b/c her DAUGHTER doesn't understand how to play without being so physical. She shoved my son's face into the water fountain (certainly only to make water go up his nose all in "good fun", but his cheek bone hit the metal spout guard instead..his face looks awful and 3 days later it still has a mark and is very sore/bruised... could've been a tooth, or his eye... and this was at church!). My own daughter doesn't "play" in a physical way like that with him, her own brother!
Teach your son now, and no it won't be easy, but you have to drill it into him now for it to become automatic later....
Tell him what to do instead of pushing/shoving/hitting/kicking/spitting, etc... Take a step backward/raise your hand to get the teacher's attention/use words only/etc. Never play physically like that unless you are sparring in a karate class, on the basketball court with a coach watching, on the football field with adult supervision/coaches observing, etc... When he is much older, he will grasp the difference in when it is okay and when things are getting out of control and what potential accidents could happen, but for now, he doesn't have any grasp of the big picture.
And for goodness sake... the biggest rule for growing boys: Do not EVER hit a GIRL!
Added after your "added" (lol):
Let this be your mantra: " Hands and feet to yourself." If you can nip it in the bud before it gets started good, things cannot escalate. And I do believe that boys should never hit girls (unless they are adults and literally being attacked, and then they should just try to remove themselves from the situation entirely) after about age 4 or 5. No matter what anybody says... if a teenage boy hits a teenage girl, HE will be the villain and earn the reputation as a girl hitter, or worse. HE can end up accused of worse. That RARELY would happen to a girl. My husband pointed this out to me. Women do NOT REALIZE the position we put men (girls put boys) in when we behave like WE are men/boys... It is a very untenable situation for them. There IS no good response. Which is why we should raise our girls to keep their hands to themselves also.
:)
Quick, get yourself a copy of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. The book is loaded with real-life examples of how parents helped set the conditions for the child to address the problem himself. And though we don't usually think about young children in these terms. they can be creative problem solvers. Plus, kids are more invested in solutions they think of themselves, and are more likely to work at making them a success.
He's fine, totally normal! Don't give it a second thought. You can't blame him in any of those situations.
A spitting contest? What boy would say no to a spitting contest? And why did that warrant a trip to the principal's office?
In the other situations it sounds like he was defending himself, that's a good thing. He's not being mean, he's not bullying, he's really not doing anything wrong.
I think you are handling it great. Teach him not to hit, use his words, tell the teacher, etc.
But really, if someone hits him he's going to him them back. Be glad your boy isn't a wuss. :-)
I think that this is typical for some children at this age. They're learning how to behave. I suggest that with consistent teaching to keep hands to himself by both the school and you he will quickly learn to stop. Follow Victoria W. suggestions in teaching him what to do as well as what not to do. Do not hit. Do leave. Do tell a teacher. Teach him how to play so that being physical isn't involved. Suggest games that can be played. And model and talk about the feelings that cause frustration and how to react in a non-physical way.
Actually, it sounds like the students may need more playground supervision. When my daughter was in Kindergarten the kids played on the play equipment and there were several adults, including parent volunteers, supervising.
A note about slapping. Is there anyone in his life who slaps out of frustration? He may be doing what he's seen others do.
