Is This Selfish?

I am thinking about starting a tradition of having a Christmas party with the Extended family. It would be so much easier to travel mid Christmas. We only do one gift per side and have a gift exchange. But its so crazy trying to get it all done. I posted about this same subject. We are looking at 5 Christmases, 3 diff citys (3 1/2 hrs away) and all done in two days! Bah Humbug. I am thinking I dont want to raise my kids thinking this stress is normal for Christmas.

Not selfish.
But I'll tell you this...do it NOW. The "little" Christmases will be over before you know it so strike while the iron is hot. I wish I had.
My in-laws favorite response is "we don't leave the house on Christmas." Really? Nice work if you can get it, apparently. Sooooo....DO IT!

Nope. My family all lives close to us [within 5mi] and we made it very clear that we won't be traveling to everyone elses homes to suit their needs.

No! this is NOT selfish!!!

It's important to have your OWN traditions!!! This one sounds like fun!! We RARELY travel for Christmas. We have in the past - but overall - nope. We stay home. We want our boys to wake up in THEIR beds and run to the tree.

So if the extended family doesn't like it? Tell them - sorry - this is going to be OUR tradition. We will come to you ANY OTHER day but Christmas day.
Let them through a fit. Stand your ground. THIS YOUR FAMILY! AND YOUR TRADITION!!!!

Well, if you're selfish, so am I. No apologies...

We do our Christmas at home with similar circumstances. Don't need to go into details--- this is just what feels 'right' for our own little family.

Reading your post, it doesn't sound like you are spiteful or angry or doing this as a reactive measure against anything that's come up. It sounds like you've thought about it and feel that staying home would be what would be most fun and comfortable for your family. You have stated you are keeping yourselves open enough to consider traveling for special occasions. You've extended an invitation everyone has thus far chosen to decline.Why? Maybe they want to be at home too. Home on the holidays is a good thing...so good they are refusing to be flexible in their turn!

Sometimes change is hard for other people, but I've never seen it carved in stone that "the way it was before... so must it be forever". Being brave enough to change things is hard. Family traditions are fine, but if they don't work for you, it should be okay to change them up a bit. Personally, having read your motives and explanation, I think you are pretty much in the right about this. Offer to visit on other days, keep your invite open, and then let it go. You did let them know they were more than welcome....

I hope you enjoy your special day with your family in comfort and coziness.:)

Stay at your house and create your own traditions! As someone who was dragged everywhere on Christmas and never spent Christmas at my home, I refuse to go elsewhere now that I'm grown with my own kids. People are welcome to come to us, and we'll visit on other days near Christmas. I think the selfish ones are those (especially those whose children are grown) who expect everyone to drop everything and come to them -dragging kids along, etc. You're not being selfish. Give your children good memories of having THEIR Christmas with you and your husband at THEIR home!

We did this for several years when the kids were extra small. No, it is not selfish, you sound very accommodating! They just need to adjust to your new plan. Merry Christmas!!

I think your idea is perfect! No, it is not selfish imho.

We don't leave the house on Christmas day. We put our foot down about it too- the inlaws come in the morning for breakfast. My dad's side of the family comes for lunch. They all leave around 3:00, and the rest of the day is ours. It's wonderful. Just stake your claim and don't budge. It's awesome!

Stay HOME and drop in every other year with the family details you provide.

I wouldn't expose my kids to nasty dogs - ever.

And send your own parents a picture and card and move on. Guilt is hard though...but think of your safety and how you behave after seeing them and how it affects your relationship with your own children....if you want to role model 'doormat mom' mode to them, then that's your choice.

NO, it isn't selfish. It is YOUR family, the one you want to create memories with and leave your children with a fondness of the day. Do what you want. Make sure the 'open door' option is clear and enjoy the day.

No, I don't think you are being selfish.

Since when do we get to start our own traditions?!

You deserve to relax in your own home and let your kids open their presents and play with them. There is always the afternoon and evening for visiting with family.

Stay home and don't make any apologies. Just matter-of-factly tell your family you are going to do this because you want your kids home on Christmas.

Two of my cousins spent every Christmas morning opening their gifts super early and in a rush, so they could get to my grandma's house by about 11 a.m. -- in time for lunch. They were about two hours away from her and us, and I always felt kinda bad for them because we could walk to my grandma's house whenever we felt like it. My Christmas morning was always relaxed and spent at home.

To this day, my cousins resent the fact that they never got to spend a Christmas at home (they saw our grandma plenty so it's not like they would have been neglecting her if they had stayed home for Christmas). From day one when they had their own kids, they decided to spend it at their own homes and the grandparents could stop by if they wanted to. They didn't want to do to their kids what their parents did to them.

Stay home! Enjoy your day with your kids!

Not selfish at all! I love that you have an open-door policy - everyone is welcome.

We go to my brother's house on Christmas Eve, which I love too. It's not that I refuse to travel on Christmas Day. I just don't like it. I like to host Christmas Day for my husband's family. His niece offered to host instead and I said, "Go ahead, but I'm still having Christmas at my house!" I don't want to get in a car. My husband and kids don't want to leave either.

I'm not surprised that people are resisting you on this. You might end up with just the family on Christmas Day, but don't feel bad about it. There's always next year.

You are not selfish AT ALL! I went through this for 6 years while living 3 hours from my in laws. Every year it was a battle because she wanted the "perfect" christmas at her house with all the kids and grandkids. I get where she is coming from, but would also want my family to be happy. Every year we would let the kids open their gifts, look at all their new stuff, scream at them to get in the car, drive 3 hours, get to inlaws, eat, open presents, get back in car and drive home. I was so crabby. We always offered it at our house, but nope not good enough. Her way or the highway. One year we got snowed in and I thanked God for all the snow because I finally got the Xmas I wanted. We all stayed home in jammies, ate finger foods, played and had a relaxing day. I asked my hubby what their traditions were when they were kids. Stay home and just hang out. They would do the family thing before Xmas. I asked him why we couldnt do that then. We need our family traditions. I say put your foot down and tell them no. Your tradition for your family is going to be to stay home from now on. Good Luck and Merry Christmas!!

PS We moved 14 hours away last summer--problem solved :-)

It's time to start your own family traditions. You get to choose. Enjoy this time with your children. They will grow up with fond memories of spending lazy Christmas mornings at home as a family.

I love it! My husband and I actually call this "selfish Christmas" as a joke. When our girls were little we not only refused to go anywhere but banned any out of town relatives staying at our house over Christmas so we could enjoy the peace with our little family on Christmas morning.
Now that the kids are older we've loosened up a bit but this Christmas it'll just be us. We host a family Christams Eve, have relatives coming over new year's weekend but that day is just for us.
There is nothing wrong with doing what you want on that one day. As long as you're welcoming and loving towards you family is other ways no where is it written that in order to be a good person you must do something you don't want to do on a special holiday. Enjoy you "selfish Christmas" and don't have a moment of guilt.

No, you are not being selfish.

I would not specifically mention wanting to stay at home in your pajamas, but if you have relatives who (probably) won't fly off the deep end, broach the topic TODAY with them about the fact that starting a new tradition this year with your own family of spending Christmas morning together and that your family is looking forward to visiting with the extended family after X time.

If it's too late to change plans this year, next year starting around Thanksgiving, say to the normal holiday hosts "Let's starting planning for Christmas. We will be available for lunch/dinner/visiting after X time, and would be happy to bring side/dessert/bottle of wine (etc.)"

I envy you--our extended family lives too far away for it to be reasonable for us to have a Christmas morning celebration at home. So instead, we usually choose to do our own family's celebration either before or after Christmas.

We don't go to anyone's house on Christmas. With my kids getting new toys and all, they want to play with them. So we invite my family to our house.

My sister has a 2 year old, but her fiance really dislikes my mom so he refuses to join in any holiday gatherings, and my sister refuses to do anything without him. So they stay home alone.

Everyone else gathers at my house for dinner.

I love your idea and wish you all the best that you can make it work...we tried this (and were even successful a few times) but for the most part, always end up travelling! W/ little ones, it is so important to have that down time and let them just play w/ toys, have some homemade soup or a turkey and just do NOTHING all day...how often does that happen for ANY of us?

On the flip side, family is important too....and you never know when it could be someone's last Christmas. Best of luck that you can make this work!!! Merry Christmas!

Not selfish at all.
I would love to do the same thing.

Sounds like a good plan.

NOT SELFISH AT ALL!

Your family - your way of doing things. Esp. if hubby wants to stay home and not go to his family's house.

We started doing that last year and loved it. We are doing it again this year. We usually run all over the place to 2-3 houses, the kids barely get to open their presents before we head out the door and then we don't get home until at least dinner time and by then we are all tired! So last year, we didn't leave our house! We saw everybody before Christmas. It was so great we are doing it again and I can't wait!

Do what you want to do, and don't worry about it. In my family, we didn't always get together on the holiday itself - but sometimes it was a different day close to Christmas to actually celebrate Christmas, have dinner, exchange gifts, etc. A lot less pressure on everyone, and more enjoyable. Some of my favorite Christmas memories as a kid were when we didn't have plans to spend Christmas Day with family, but instead spent the whole day at the movies. My dad never took us to the movies the rest of the year but on Christmas Day we would see like 3 in a row! As a married adult with stepsons, we didn't always have plans with family either, and would spend the day with "24 hours of A Christmas Story" on TBS, with Chinese food (in the restaurant or as take-out) for dinner.

Hi K.~

I don't even know you, but I believe all moms want their children to grow up with happy memorable traditons that they once did as children. Right?! So do what is best for your immediate family.

If I was in your situation, I'd stay home in my pj's and enjoy my kids and husband. (I actually do do this until 4:00 and then get ready to go to my brother's family house that's only 20 minutes away. But it's fun there and the people there do care if we come or not.

Well... Merry Christmas to you and keep the spirit alive by doing what makes YOU and your own family HAPPY!
J.

I don't think it's selfish. I mean for goodness sake, you're still giving an open invitation for everyone to come to your home. It's not like you're cutting yourself off completely.

We never traveled for Christmas when I was growing up, because my parents didn't want to bother with it. Guess what? Now, as an adult with my own family, I am happy to travel to come to them, with my husband and our two year old. It's not like I'm sitting around saying, "I refuse to travel to see them because they didn't take me to see MY grandma on Christmas." To each his own.

It is not selfish at all to do what you want to do as a family for the holidays!

Look at this as a way to set an example for your children. Do you want to teach them that they do what goes against their heart because others will get mad if they don't? Your story is a great way to show them how to set boundaries with people in ways that respect their own wishes, not disregard them for the sake of others.

Get the courage to be up front with your loved ones. Short and sweet, explain, "Aunt May, we love you and Uncle Jim, but nowadays our lives are so busy and crazy we hardly ever get a chance to spend time together, just me, husband, and the kids. This year, I think we want to be at our home for Christmas. You are welcome to join us if you like. If not today, how about New Year's Day?" Or something like that. Don't lie or prolong ther conversation, just get it out there and prepare for the response.

You may find that, even if Auntie and them feel offended by your wishes the first time, after a while they will get used to the idea and may even welcome the change.

What you are hoping to do is not selfish at all. You need to be confident in your decision and then be ok with it in your heart when other people may not agree.

My Mom and I used to spend Christmas Eve visiting with whoever invited us over, if that meant split our time between two or three houses, that's what we did. Christmas morning was spent at home doing as much or as little as we wanted and lazily getting up and ready to go towards the later part of the afternoon and early evening and then we'd go to one house for dinner, we didn't run around and make several stops.

Do what feels best for your family.

We have family and they all live in town.. It is a blessing and a curse!!!!!

And so before we had our daughter we were pulled in all different directions by family that wanted us with them.. it seemed all for Christmas eve! I worked Retail so I never got off before 6:00 pm and was exhausted.. I look back on the photos and scare myself.

So we would alternate years, but MIL would insist it was her year.. Then they would want us for Breakfast and gifts Christmas morning..

It was so stressful and awful.

And so when our daughter was born, we decided that yes, we wanted to see the family, but we would not be available until after !2:00 or after our daughters afternoon nap. Worked like a charm. It is better now, but the family has learned, Christmas morning is a slow morning for us..

That is what we did. If people wanted to see us on Christmas, they knew where we would be! At home!!! We alternated between my parents and hubby's parents. It worked out well until we moved back about six years ago. Now, the kids are much older but they still like to be home for Christmas. Not sure about this year! See my post on inlaws!

I'm so right there with you! I don't know why it's so outrageous to try to have Christmas at home with the kids, but enough miserable years went by traveling or putting up with in laws-no matter if I had a newborn and c-section recovery-no matter if my husband travels constantly and was only HOME for Christmas for a couple of days, they were barging over, OR expecting us to travel. UGH! After about six consecutive years of it, I'd had enough. First I was always pressured into traveling throughout my 20's which was often hard with my job, and unaffordable, but I did it, then it continued when I got married-more family to visit, then when I had kids....people STILL expected us to travel....I thought, "At what point do you not have to travel anymore at Christmas??!! When I was a kid, we were home relaxing and opening gifts and in jammies all day-no relatives in sight...what happened?!!!" So I've been putting my foot down the past few years. It hasn't been easy though! I feel your pain!

I think it sounds amazing and great that you dont want to drag your kids around all day. I can certainly understand that. I do not think its selfish because you have left your door open to visitors, and they choose not to come.
I hope you guys have a great Christmas!

I think you should worry less about whether anyone is going to think you are selfish (some people will, but that's beside the point) and more about if this is what is best for you and your family. If it is then do it. You have kids now and it is totally reasonable to start your own traditions that they will remember when they are grown.
Make a real effort to see your family around the holidays, get together Christmas Eve, New Year's Day, or whenever works for you all, but don't feel bad about this.

Not selfish at all! When our second child was born we decided that we would welcome anyone who wanted to come to our place for Christmas, but that we would se staying home with the kids. This will be the third Christmas like that. We stay in jammies, have a huge breakfast and then snack on leftovers from Christmas Eve all day, watch holiday shows, do crafts, and let the kids play away with their new toys. One year we were joined by all of the grandparents and aunts and uncles that are close, the next, just the grandparents, and this year we are only expecting 1/2 of the grandparents to make it. And that is fine by us. They know how hard it is to travel with two little ones, so they haven't had a problem with it.

Enjoy your holiday, and your new traditions!

We had the same situation when our kids were small and I finally said no. We now enjoy a pajama clad morning of leisurely unwrapping gifts and cooking whatever we feel like without the pressure of having to make a big fancy meal the kids won't eat.
For you own sanity and your family's enjoyment make our own plans and traditions now. We make plans to see everyone else on another day that weekend or the following one.

Nope, not at all selfish. We too started this tradition MANY years ago. Christmas Eve we have a traditional party where we invite ALL that want to come from both sides of the family. Christmas Day is just hubby, myself and our daughter. It's WONDERFUL! It's such quality family time, we get up early and see what "Santa" left (Christmas Eve we open gifts from everyone else), lounge in our pj's, I cook a big breakfast & we just hang out, ALL day. We play games, eat leftovers from the big dinner the day before, we may go sledding and for hot cocoa afterwards. I love it, and highly recommend it! Have a wonderful holiday!!

I did not read all responses.... so here is what we do...
We stay home in our PJs all day on Christmas! We have a ton of family too. We tell everyone that our door is open to everyone all day. I make breakfast in the morning(usually when most family shows up), then have a ham for sandwiches and easy food in the afternoon. It works great!
Oh....we also let everyone know they are encouraged to come in their PJs too and most of them do!! :) It makes for a nice, relaxed, family day!

Do what you have to do. I used to feel the same way, but now that we have not had a holliday with family in ten years I would give anything to spend it with my dysfunctional family. But there is no reason you can say hey, this is where we are this year, we love you but we just need some downtime.

Not selfish at all - go for it.

It isn't selfish at all, especially if you have offered to have people some to your house. I really think that Christmas day is for kids. I love being able to be home, wear pjs all day if we want to, eat when we want to make a mess if we want to. Tell your in-laws that you're happy to come the weekend before or after X-mas, but from this year on you'll be spending Christmas day at home.

We refused to travel (3 hours each way to also a nasty mean dog and a not kid friendly home) when our kids were small. I don't believe in obligatory visits when it comes to my kids and Christmas. They are little for such a short time. Enjoy your holidays with them and your husband... with such a small group, surely they can be flexilble.

We established a rule before our son was born that we would not travel for Christmas. Everyone, and I mean everyone, is welcome here - but we are going nowhere. We do spend Christmas eve with my FIL and his wife because they are local, my MIL and her husband come to stay, and sometimes my BIL and his family come too. There's never been any conflict because we made our position clear well before it became an issue. We will consider traveling to BIL when the kids get a little older, but for now we're staying put at home.

You are NOT being selfish. It's HARD to travel with little ones on Christmas day. After reading your SWH, you deserve a medal for going all the years you have already! Just calmly tell them your plans, invite them over, then enjoy yourself whether or not they choose to come.

No it is not selfish! I reviewed the answers below and I'm happy to see that many felt the same way. We started this tradition a few years ago with our family and unfortunately, my parents and siblings were not happy. But for many of the reasons you stated this is what my husband and I felt was right for our family. Good luck and enjoy Christmas with your children!

Sounds like you are being completely reasonable. Perhaps it woudl be more palatable if you did this every other year. But in general, I don't think this is selfish,

This is our first year in a long while where we will NOT be home for Christmas. But we will be at my in-laws all day Christmas (NO travel) which was our agreement this year. we would go but the holiday travel and get together with extended family cousins etc is happening Christmas Eve and then we hang in our PJ's on Christmas Day with Grandma and Grandpa. We thought this would be ok. Otherwise we have always had a "lazy day" at home. My family always celebrates new year weekend so the fighting over who gets us when has never really been an issue!! Best of luck on your decision

Nope not selfish at all. Our parents and grandparents all live in different states so it's been ages since we've gone anywhere for Christmas. Plus, I work in the finance industry, so I don't get the nice long Christmas break like others do. Stock market seems to be always open darn it! Luckily our families are very understanding and enjoy the times we are able to visit. SO much cheaper and less stressful to visit in the "off-season". :)

do what makes you happy. You are allowed to make your own traditions. If everyone wants to see you and your kids... they can come over. You made that clear. It might take a year or 2, but they will get over it. One year I cooked lots of food.. told everyone to come over, a few did, but I had a lot of leftovers.. we didn't see everyone, they understood we were serious. Now, we make time when we can.. but our kids come first at Christmas

I don't think it's selfish at all. I feel the same way. We hang out at home all day on Christmas and have the Grandparents come over in the afternoon to give their presents to the kids.

We always have Christmas dinner with our family. I have no problems getting up and getting to my parents house to spend time with them for the holidays. My kids love going there and spending time with Grandma, Grandpa, Aunts, Uncles and their many cousins. Our family believes in spending quality time together with everyone not just mom, dad and the kids. I couldn't even imagine how hurt my parents would be if we didn't show up for Christmas day with them.

My sister started that tradition when her 1st daugter was one. She wanted to wake up in her own house and unwrap gifts. She lived 6 hours from us and wanted to start her own holiday traditions.
When I got married - we split our holidays - Thanksgiving and Christmas betweeen the 2 families - one family in Iowa and one in Chicago - where we live - until we had kids. Then, we stayed home too and no traveling for the holidays. Friends of mine think it is strange that we don't have huge family dinners - well, my husband is an only child, all of our parents are deceased and my sister lives in the middle of Iowa and my brother in Omaha, NE - and he works retail.
Start your own traditions that you want your children to remember - this is your family you are raising.

I didn't read the responses, so am probably just adding the same comments, but NO, not selfish at all! My cousin and I both have the same situation. Required to drive 2 hours to stay at a house that's not "for children" (breakables everywhere, sharp things around, etc) and then sit around with 2-4 other people "visiting" when they are fully healthy and capable of driving to us. I don't understand why grandparents who want their grandkids to visit can't make the house a bit more child friendly! At least temporarily!!

This year, my cousin and I decided to do it differently. Her kids are at the "Santa age" and she wanted to do the whole thing with jingle bells and Santa cookies and footsteps in the snow at her own house. So we both invited our parents to come to our houses, each are doing Christmas morning in our own house (our parents invited) and then all meeting for a 4 Pm meal later. (Christmas Eve meal was another option we discussed, which would have worked too.) Our parents both complained that when they were young, they went to their parents' houses and just didn't understand why we want to make a change. But they have come around and going with our plan. We'll see how it goes! I think it's important to include your parents and extended family as possible, but to do what makes sense for your family and start the traditions you want to do. I can't imagine my parents alone on Christmas, but at the same time, we can be together at my house! But I do like my parents and we don't have a stressful time when we're together. If it is just drama and stress, enjoy the holiday with your family and don't worry about the rest!

Do both! Stay home all morning, slogging about in your jammies, then go to family in the afternoon. Tons of people do that.

nope, not selfish, as we get more kids we realize that the world has to work in a different way
SO, just tell your family, "we would love to see you at our house on xmas eve or the day after xmas at our house, but on xmas day we are just staying in our own house and being just us." Just announce this, don't give it as optional.

When my younger one was that age we started going to a waterpark resort on xmas for that reason - we wanted it to just be US and relaxing.

Not selfish! In fact I too am spending Christmas at home this year with my husband and 2 little girls. After years of having to go to everyone else I said I have had enough. I told my family that you know where we are, if you want to come over later in the day, then great. People were a little disappointed, but understood. Your kids are only little once, enjoy them! Good luck and have a Merry Christmas!

nope not selfish!

You can spend it how you want to with your family. Being its only a week away, I would travel this year. While there tell them we are going to be spending Christmas here on out at home with our family. Grab the calendar and say ok, Christmas is on this day next year when would you like to plan next years get together. They will try to talk you out of it, but you and your husband as a team stand your ground. If they refuse to set a date together.. set one for them. They will have a year to get use to it and over it.

We normally do my husbands the week before and my families the weekend after. My parents join us at our house on Christmas morning to watch the kids open gifts, then hang around for a bit then head home. There have been years with other things going on that Christmas day is the only day that worked to get together and the exception was made but everyone was on board that it wasn't going to be that way all the time.

If there were 25 people that would have to change to accomodate you, than yes, I would say that's selfish. If it is just the person whos house you are going to, I think it's just a matter of scheduling. Have you talked to them about coming Christmas Eve? I'm sure they would be open to it. Or maybe invite them to your house.

I say do it. You are now grown with a family of your own. You get to make your own traditions. Your parents made their choices when you were growing up but now it is your turn. No it is not selfish. I think it is healthy. We do this and let people come to us since we have small kids and my cousin has a rule. Everyone gets together a different day including both sets of parents. On Christmas day it is just her own family. Enjoy your time together and don't feel bad. It sounds like you will be happy you did :)

Put your foot down, make a new tradition. If people want to see my family on Christmas day, they have to come ring my doorbell. I'm not going anywhere. We do most of our visiting the week before or the week after. This is the first year we've had family take us up on the Christmas morning offer and had my in laws at our door at the crack of dawn to be there for the opening of the presents. We all stayed in our robes and had a lazy comfy Christmas. In laws didn't care that we didn't dress up. They brought old videos of my husband from Christmas's past and we all had a good laugh watching him and his little sister opening presents on the TV while I made pancakes and someone else picked up the wrapping paper explosion from earlier.

You stay home in your house and enjoy Christmas day. If no one wants to
come that is their problem. Once we had kids, we stayed home on
Christmas day. I always do Christmas Eve. We do it early enough that my
kids can get home and put the little ones to bed. I would never ask them
to leave their homes on Christmas day. We go there. Just the way it
should be when little kids are involved.

Oh please do it, K.! Do it for yourself, your husband, your kids...and for all of us who could never bring ourselves to do it (but really wished we could have). It might be nice to alternate -- one PJ Christmas on Road Trip Christmas...Whatever you decide to do, I hope it's very merry and memorable!

not selfish at all. I think it's selfish that in-laws think it's their right to hog your day with your kids. Most likely they had their christmases with their kids opening presents at their house for years and years, so why is it wrong for you to want the same thing?

Just a thought, but could your family host Christmas? The extended family could all just come to your house and then everyone would "get" you. We have people travel from 40-2.5 hours to our house, everyone just helps out with things like apps and desserts and we provide the meal. We don't have a very big house but it works and it's always a nice time.