Is This Really Normal? - Eagle River,AK

This happened to me too when i invited like 6 people for my sons 1st birthday and only one showed up. It was only the first birthday and he didnt know but it is basicly the same that is just something that kinda shocks me two and makes me angry at the same time because those people dont even call for it.

Wow! No, that is not normal. Did you ask parents to RSVP? It I don't hear from a parent by a certain date, I call them to verify if their child is coming or not.

A few years ago my youngest boy wanted to invite his best friend ever to his birthday party. Because of financial reasons we only invited 2 friends. I asked the parents to RSVP due to the small number if kids invited. I never heard a thing. I called and left messages explaining why it was important that I know if her child was going to attend. The day of the party I was desperately trying to find any child that could attend. Needless to say his only guests were is adopted brother and adults. I never heard back from the child's mother. We have never had another birthday party since.
It doesn't take long to pick up the phone and apologize.

I think with everyone's busy lives it isn't that unexpected. Some of the other answers given cover many of the situations that families are in that might prevent them from attending.

I do think it is rude not to respond to an RSVP, but sometimes unexpected problems come up at the last minute like an illness or family emergency.

Have you considered keeping birthday celebrations as a family party until your boys are a little older?

Personally, at the risk of sounding like an old fuddy duddy, I think children's birthday celebrations have gone a little over the top. How much will someone remember about their 4th birthday when they are 25, 35 or 50 years old?

Your disappointment and anger from your unmet expectations about number of children who came to the party are what will make your son unhappy, not the fact that only 2 children came. If you treat it lightly and forget about it, so will he. Instead of taking this as a rejection of you or your son, consider that other people may have other priorities.

Other families may not feel that attending a birthday party is that important or required to make their child happy. Children need to learn that the world does not revolve around them and it doesn't stop for their birthday every year. Happiness can come from celebrating in a more low key way with their family.

I think you are over-reacting a bit. There could be many reasons why the others didn't show up. And you may never know why. That is part of life, and you gotta roll with the punches, and not get upset over things you have no control over, or you will wear yourself out! Make the best out of the situation! Remember you have a 4 yr. old watching your every move!

I agree that it is super-rude to not RSVP. At least if people RSVP "no" then you can invite more people or make alternative arrangements. I always RSVP, and I try to make it to every party we are invited to unless we are out of town or sick! That said, I think a party with just a few kids can be lots of fun, so don't assume your little one was totally dissapointed.

My boys are not in official preschool yet, so what we do is invite all our close adult friends (most of whom have kids) plus the kids from our mom-baby group, which is now a mom-toddler playgroup. With family and all the friends the party is pretty big, so I don't know if we could even invite preschool friends. Maybe it would be better to have a party with family and friends and then bring cupcakes to class?

Well, I don't know if it's normal or not, but I am definitely one of those terrible mothers that does not attend every birthday party of my daughter's daycare "friends". We do go if I know the family really well and we go to other friends birthdays that we have a relationship with.
As much as we like to spend time with friends, with both of us parents working, we do try to have a life outside of work/preschool and spend some of that precious time by ourselves and on our own terms.

Now I do however, RSVP "No" so the host knows not to plan for us to come... and if I say "yes" then there truly has to be a serious issue for us to miss it - and I think in that case I would at least give the host a call to apologize.

All of that said, maybe next time just invite a few very close friends and be sure that everyone is going to have fun and no-one will be disappointed. Sorry that that happened to your boy.

i'm surprised by some of the responses/excuses. an RSVP is a request for your response, regardless of whether it is yes or no. I'm suprised by how many people don't exibit (and teach their children)this basic social courtesy.

While there are many acceptable reasons not to attend a party, when someone has taken the time to invite you, it is inconceivable that 16 out of 20 people are so busy they really dont have the extremely minimal time it takes to respond. that said, i think this is the becoming the "new normal". it's increasingly common to have to call around prior to an event to find out who is coming.

i guess these are the same people who are too busy to write even a two line thank you note for their gifts. (and some of them are my nieces. maybe next year i'll be too busy to write the 50 dollar checks i mail in their birthday cards...)

also, i totally agree with your comment about kids with fall birthdays. mine was in early september and sometimes that was actually worse than having a summer birthday when i was little/ elementary age. i'm glad you were able to keep the focus positive for your son and make the party as fun as possible for him!

You are not alone-- I will never forget a party I invited some new 'fellow teachers' to 40 years ago -- to meet my mother who was visiting from out of town. One teacher came. One. I was so embarrased and both my Mom and I passed it off as ''just one of those things' -- -but obviously- I've never forgotten- and to do that to a child??? Disgraceful. I'm so sorry. I used to have two parties for each childs' birthday- one for the childs' same-age friends from school ( or preschool) and a separate one- maybe the next day- for family and church and neighborhood people--- and the 2nd one would be either a 'just dessert' party or a potluck - so kids and adults could all sit around and relax and chat and enjoy the miracle of growth and family--- it was a blast -- . No, dear heart- it's not normal at all.

Blessings,
J.

Hi J.,
I wish things had gone better for your son's party. It is good that you did have RSVP on the invite and really, some people just do not know what that means these days. It really means to respond whether or not you can come. Lately, I have just been putting RSVP on my ivites as following: Please RSVP by (date) IF you CANNOT make it. And be sure to put both phone and e-mail on there so they have two ways to RSVP - some people feel that calling is too hard and feel obligated to make excuses - e-mail is an easy way to just respond and have it done with without a long drawn out excuse.

It only takes a minute or two and it is considerate of the person throwing the party so they have an idea of how many is coming and how much prep needs to be done/bought. I have had many people not respond to an invite and show up just to realize I didn't have enough to go around and was embarrassed. That is why I switched my invites to note to people to respond if they couldn't come (even people who could would respond and that is okay too!)

I glad you put a spin on it for your son and he had fun anyway. I am sorry for your frustration and money spent that was in vain.

Pretty much everyone I know has had this happen at least once, including me. (Actually this year...although my son's take on it was uplifting..."WOW Mom, it's so cool...every year is different! Sometimes we have lots of kids, sometimes we have lots of grownup friends, sometimes we go somewhere, sometimes we have it at home...it's just GREAT you NEVER know what's going to happen!!!". Bless his heart, I was having to pretend not to be upset, but he was actually thrilled. (We also have a summer birthday right before July 4th, which is always dicey...at least half the families we know are out of town no matter if the party is in June or July. Can't wait until he's old enough that we merge it with a 4th of July Party...but that's a few years off.)

One thing I found is that "No presents, please, just yourselves!!!" parties have higher attendance...even a $5 present can be hard for some families. Or if it's not a money consideration, it's a time consideration...trying to get the present in the first place when both parents are working, sometimes even both parents working 2 jobs. So too, the parties where I list out the itinerary/menu/etc and welcome anyone with dietary considerations to bring their own, and parties that welcome siblings, also have higher attendance than ones that I don't specifically list out all of these things. (This was actually the first year I said "screw it" and just sent out regular invitations. We also had a grand total of 2...when we've never had a party with less than 12, not including sibs.)

I also know that I have been guilty of missing/forgetting/double booking/dealing with tantrums/or plain old being sick the day of a party. I always feel terrible, and afterwards make sure that my son is able to at least give a present to his friend, but it's definitely not the same thing.

Regardless...big hugs!! It's so so hard (on us, mostly, making it not hard on them).

It's not you, you ended up in a school with a set of really selfish and thoughtless mommys. It seems to be the trend these days... narcissistic people who believe the world revolves around them and rules-common courtesy, etiquette,driving responsibly,etc.-don't apply! I'm not a vindictive person, but I would remember who you invited and who attended and make a note of it for future reference, if you know what I mean. I bet the no-shows (or most of them) didn't even have the decency to call you to decline. Funny thing is, these same people are pissed when the situation happens to their own child! Narcissism!
In the future I would suggest a request an R.S.V.P., then before the party (maybe before the confirmation of the cake, if one will be ordered) call all the ones who haven't responded and just say you're double-checking...If the invitations were suppose to be handed out by the teacher, it could be that s/he forgot-worth double-checking as well.
Those people ought to be ashamed of themselves, to do that to a child! Oh, that's right, they're not...rules don't apply!!!!
Please tell your son Mrs. Shea wishes him a very happy 4th birthday!
Best Wishes,
Mary

Ya, this happened to us for my son's party when he was in first grade. We hosted a party at Chuck-E-Cheeses and no one showed. Not one guest. Luckily, we had six of us there (the birthday boy, my other two kids, my husband, myself and grandma), so it wasn't a total waste on the wallet and the kids had a blast. I was more concerned about how my son would react to the lack of attendees. When I told him that I was sorry no one showed up, he told me that it was okay, the people who mattered to him were there and he gave me the biggest hug ever! I was very proud. No one called. No one showed. But, I saw a side of my son that I would not have otherwise seen so young. Your son will not remember missing out on friends when he gets older, only on how much you love him and try to give him fun and exciting memories.

On responding to RSVP's: Since I have had a couple of failed or poorly attended parties, I try very hard to let the kids go to any birthday party they are invited to. I've only had one or two where something came up after confirming attendance and I simply forgot to call. In those cases, I made sure to send a birthday and gift card with an apology. I, too, wish that more people would show consideration for the children's feelings and the parent's time and expense. All I can do is treat others the way I want to be treated...

A couple thoughts - if you only got 4 responses, are you sure the invites reached the parents? Correct mailing addresses? If you depended on the school/kids to get the invites to the parents, that is highly unreliable so this may be a case of lack of communication, not everyone blowing you off.

Also, as a SAHM you have advantages some do not have. My daughter is only 6 months old, and has only been invited to one birthday party, but we missed it. This was the party of a close friend of mine for her one year old. However, I had to be at work. My friend was very understanding of this even though she has different cercumstances. You say your child's happiness comes first, but I have to say that my child's health and well being come far infront of her happiness!! How am I supposed to provide a roof over her head if I am blowing off work for a child's birthday party? I want my daughter to be happy (and her peers) but I also want her to understand reality. I missed out on many activities as a child because I had 2 parents who worked. I was quite happy and I understood when my friends couldn't come play with me for the same reason. There are many viable and totally unselfish reasons as to why some one would miss your party. Although failure to RSVP is never socially acceptable unless you did not get the invite!

I also have never had a birthday party myself, nor will I have one for my daughter. My parents always did a special activity with us instead. This is less disappointing because you are planning with fewer parents. For my 4th birthday, my mother took my self and one friend to the circus and then to baskin robins for an ice cream cone. I still remember most of my birthday celebrations vividly and my mother never had to worry about no shows because we planned it to be only one or 2 kids.

Make the emphasis on it being your son's special day and those who choose to join him are lucky to do so and those who couldn't missed out. I would also call other parents if less than 1/4 of the group responds to your request for an rsvp.

I find this appalling! What a slap in the face to both you and your child. I think it's so disrespectful to say "Oh well I don't need to RSVP or I will just not go without saying anything." I think you need to find yourself some new mum friends! Do you live in Spanaway?

Keep your chin up and know you did the best possible to make your son's party a "success". I agree with the others that at that age they don't always know the disappointment unless we show it to them. My older sons birthday falls around Memorial day so we have learned to adjust the party or not to expect many friends. My younger son has a summer birthday so it's always a guessing game. (This year was a disappointment because we had 3 RSVP and none showed! Luckily my sister-in-laws neighbor kids were home and she brought them - he has played with them before but they're not close friends.) It was his 8th birthday and he showed disappointment before I did. Anyway, just go with the flow and make the best of whatever happens.

I think that expecting 100% attendance is unreasonable, especially at the beginning of a school year in a new preschool where the children barely know each other and the parents maybe not at all. And, I do not agree that parents should feel obligated for their child to attend every party they are invited too - ESP for parents with multiple children, this is impractical, not to mention expensive. I believe that children have the best time at smaller parties where they know and feel comfortable with each other. That said, 2 out of 20 is not very many. Next time, you might ask for RSVPs well in advance, then follow up with people you haven't heard from. Also, you might look at possible barriers - was the party scheduled during nap time, or when there was another big event going on?did it involve any special costs or effort for parents (ie admission fees or out of the way location)? Finally, I think you should look at your son's expectations vs your own. Was he as disappointed as you? Maybe next time, involve him in the invitation process too.

I am sorry that happened to your son and you. People are very rude these days and yeah, life gets busy and yada yada yada....but there is no excuse to not RSVP even just to say no. People get so wrapped up in themselves that they don't think about others.
Personally, if someone does not RSVP, then I assume they are not coming and only count those who called and said they are coming. If it was a last minute invite, I could understand, but if it was in advance, the polite thing to do is RSVP a week out.
I sometimes think we (the parents) get caught up in inviting too many kids because we fear leaving someone out and hate the possibility that someone is mad at us for not inviting them. I only invite kids that my child is friends with and plays with on a regular basis. I rarely invite people from her gym classes or groups that we are involved in, unless we are really close and see them outside the group. Maybe that is rude, but personally I don't like when people who I barely know invite my child who they hardly know to a party, so I assume others are the same way. And if my daughter was invited to a party of a person we hardly know, ususally I would just RSVP with a no. I wouldn't not RSVP though. I don't know why people think it is ok not to RSVP because they have to know that you are planning. It is the polite thing to do.
Birthdays are suppose to be meaningful and you are to be surrounded by those who love you the most and care for the person you are.
So, I guess what I am trying to say is fill your life with meaningful people, surround those you love with those who love them and forget about the others. Those are the people who will never disappoint you.

i would have rvsp'd but it would have been a no. i think birthday parties are out of control these days. it's too much, too young and it just gets worse every year. I also could not afford to invite the whole class so i wouldn't want my child to attend because 1.) i may not be able to invite that child to my childs party. 2.) i don't want my child to ask for a big birthday party like that one on her birthday. i also agree that with parents working, or like in my situation my husband travels during the week, we like to spend our weekends together. I really think that big bday parties should be saved for when the kids are older and really have friends. we had family parites until 1st grade and friend parties after that and have never had a problem with kids not showing up. i think this is upsetting you more then your son. i'm sure he had a wonderful and happy birthday.

no it's not normal they should have shown up for at least there childern having fun and heck it was ONLY 2HOURS out of your day come on now you can't give up 2 hours of the day to take your child to a friends birthday party that is really selfish i think it's not fair to the childern really if ya sit and think about it is making you the parent look like your selfish that you can't take 2yrs of your day to let your kid go to a firends b-day party

thats all i have to say for now
becca

I have seen this happen before to other kids. At this age, I think it is better to invite family and friends (who have kids that are about the same age), or even neighbor kids that play with your child. Everyone in your child's preschool class is not necessarily "friends" with your child and if you do not know the other parents personally, they probably do not feel obligated to attend. Also...if everyone went to everyone's birthday (that is a lot of birthdays). Some people can't even afford gifts for their own children or family members right now, so maybe they would rather not go than be embarrassed about not affording a gift? (Even if you says "no gift", people will still feel like they should). Anyhow, sorry for rambling a bit. I hope this helps! S.

I totally understand your feelings- I think people now days are just so selfish- No one cares about anybody else but themselves. Funny thing is everyone wants someone to think of them but if everyone is centered on themselves there isn't anybody to do it.
Sounds like you are a great mom!

L

I have to ask, are all 20 classmates his "friends" or are they classmates you invited to the party?

Wow, my heart goes out to you! The thought of having to go through that with my son would just make me want to cry! The other mom's are right though, your son probably wouldn't have noticed or minded as much if we parents just never touched on the subject. Try not to let him hear you venting about it, it could effect his self esteem. Chances are it was just a fluke, timing, a little thoughtlessness, etc. and is absolutely nothing to do with your child. Thinking back we RSVPed to a little boys birthday party that was strictly "no presents just come have fun" and my son had a fever the day of, we did call and let them know, but I remember hearing the disappointment in their voices. It's hard. Us parents try so hard to please others, when we should really just focus on the one thing that really matters, our little ones. He probably would have had just as much fun hanging with the family or going to the park. My hubby likes to invite everyone (family and our adult friends) and then some and its always kind of a stressful thing, and our son (who likes parties when they're not all about him!) is overwhelmed and embarressed about being in the spotlight,.. he would feel so much more comfortable if it was just a few of us.
I'm going to remember this for future reference and probable not have a party inviting classmates until I'm asked. Parties are not cheap! Keep your head up! It's a learning experience, unfortunate one at that.

What thoughtless families! I wish there wash something that would make the hurt go away for your son.

Hi J.,
I am sorry to hear of the disappointment surrounding your son's birthday party. Some of the other mamas have already said what I was thinking and some others sounded kind of harsh and perhaps a little defensive. I think it's best on all sides not to make assumptions about people here. I agree that it is very rude to ignore an invite to a child's birthday party (or any party for that matter). And I know that we are all in more difficult times than we were last year at this time so the thought of buying gifts is hard (especially if each of the children in the class invited all 20 kids to each party-20 gifts and 20 parties is a lot!). I do know though after working in a school, that it is pretty customary for all the children in a class to be invited to the party to avoid hurting feelings by leaving someone out so I don't think you were too crazy in invite all 20 from the class. Perhaps next year, maybe pick a theme for the party, like Dr. Seuss books or something like that. That way guests can pick a book to bring as a gift, which may be a little less expensive than other gifts may be and it takes the guesswork out of what to purchase. Also try Evite for invitations, its email generated reminders are great. The reminders are sent out automatically and you can pick individuals that have not responded to send reminder to. It saves paper (and time and expense for you!) I completely agree with another mom who wrote that birthday parties tend to be way over the top these days. A simple afternoon at the park (which may be exactly what you planned)is sufficient for a young child's birthday party and maybe if all parents start having the simple parties I remember from my childhood there won't be so much pressure on parents both as attendees and "throwers" of the party. It is hard to give advice on this one as you don't specify whether the families had RSVP'd that they would attend or not as that does make a difference on your expectations for the number of attendees. If your sons seems to have had fun at the party with the children who did show, then I would just let it go. If he wants to know why no one else came, maybe simply explain that not everyone could come and get him to focus on the good parts of the party and let him know how much fun you had too.

At the preschool I work at it is against center policy for parents to bring in mass invites for the whole class. The reason being is that my center is highly aware that many families are from different socio-economic and cultural backgrounds and the added social pressure of having to attend these extra functions or host one in return can be stressful for a family that is already struggling to make ends meet.
There are other simple ways that children build relationships with each other everyday in their classes, and those relationships may or may not grow outside of the classroom through play dates and such.

As a single parent myself who works and goes to school full time, I honestly do not have the free time or income to come to 20 birthday parties a year with children and families I barely know. I am also not able to host a party for 20 children as well. But if my daughter has bonded with one or two children over the year, which is more realistic, and I have had previous outside of the school play dates with those families, I would be inclined to try my best to attend a birthday celebration.

Also, I would not feel inclined to RSVP an invite that was not mailed to my personal home address. Most people that send out invites with RSVPs will call you by a certain day if you have not called them. If I received an invite in my daughter's cubby, etc...I would be under the impression that I only needed to RSVP if I was planning on attending.

My suggestion for the future: I would talk to each parent individually and personally invite them and tell them in person how much it would mean for them to attend if they are able to, and ask if you can have their phone number or address to send an invite to.

I think it would be best to let go of the anger and not be so judgmental as to label the other parents as "really selfish and thoughtless mommys". It is not "best for the children" to be hostile towards the other parents.

And as far as explaining to your son, you could be honest and say that there was a lack of communication between you and the other families and you are sorry that it did not work out.

I threw a large party (invited the kids & parents!) for my son's 1st birthday. It was exhausting! I realized that he would be happy with just a small handful of his best friends. So, ever since then, that's what we've always done and it works out great. At least with his BEST friends, you know the parents and know WHO you can count on. There are too many parents that have the busy-ness disease (run the kids to soccer, tennis, football , dance, etc) and don't just let them relax, do their homework, hang with their friends and have dinner every night with the family. Sad.

Geez, that's harsh ...

on the other hand, I guess we invited all 20+ for a recent 6th birthday and got about 6, but they all came with parents and sibs so it didn't feel quite so empty, and 20+ for a 5 year old and got ... yeah, I think it was 6 again ...

I do have to say I'm in the habit of assuming no unless otherwise told, and calling particular favorites to especially check up with them (some parents may not know their kid is a particular favorite, or they might have lost the email/invitation in the business of our lives today ... for sure I've done that a couple of times)

I am also in the habit of showing up to parties if possible, and I do try to RSVP either way

I think this is worse for younger kids, because more families haven't had the experience themselves ... as the kids get older, more families seem to clue in that it sux for the host family and birthday kid if they don't RSVP/show up if possible, and things have gotten a bit better.

It does seem rather strange that only 2 showed up. Definitely not "normal". I firmly believe that the other mommies should have let you know if they couldnt attend, not only for your son's sake but for yours as well. Spending all that money to host a party for 20+ and no one show up. You have every right to been peeved. However, I wouldnt jump to the conclusion that they are selfish. It really could be some strange coinsidence that it was a REALLY busy day for people. They should have had the respect for you to at least call ahead and RSVP.

honestly, i don't know if that is the new norm or not, but i am shocked!!! that's just down right cold to do that to a little kid! tell your son that i said "happy birthday!"

ps-need to change your "a little about me" for that new 4-year-old too!

J., Im sorry that this happend to you and your son. I also NEVER miss a child's party. If I have to miss it I always RSVP a no show! Good luck in the future.
All the best
R.

I don't know if it's normal. Did they fail to RSVP? Or did they RSVP a "yes" but then fail to show up? Because that would definitely be rude.

But if most RSVP'd a "no", I'm wondering if you were friends with most of the parents, or if your child had interactions with the kids outside of school? (Playdates, etc?) Is this his 2nd year with these kids?

Just speaking personally, I'd probably only invite kids who I knew had a relationship with my son, or whose parents I was friends with. I don't think people need to give reasons for not attending, but usually if I invite friends to a party, they'll tell me why they can't make it.

And I don't know if we'd go to the birthday party of a child who we didn't know well. If my son was in a class with 20 kids, and every child had a birthday party and invited him, that would be 20 birthday parties to attend in a year... I guess I can understand not wanting to leave anyone out, if that was why you invited the whole class. But people are busy, so perhaps if they didn't know you or your son (apart from being in a class with him)...could that be why they didn't come?

One other thought... did you personally invite the kids/talk with their families? People are usually less likely to turn down an invitation if it's made in person (and then perhaps followed up with a printed or email invitation.)

Sorry for your son's disappointment...

I'm very sorry for you and your son. I don't agree with some other comments that it's OK not to RSVP because they are too busy. It only takes a second to give a call and let the hostess know.

Something that I have done in the past years for my son's birthday is to have a playdate with our playgroup. I will put in the email or evite "No gifts please". After all, the kids won't really miss them at this age (my son is 3) and it's more important for him to have fun with his friends than to open a mound of gifts. Then we will have a family party on another day. Although sometimes Moms and even I will bring gift anyway, I discreetly give it to the hostess and she can give it to the birthday child later.

So if you invite your son's entire class next year (which does seem like a lot of kids, but I understand you don't want to exclude some kids) you may try a "No gifts please" in the invite and see what happens.

First of all J., my heart goes out to your son (and you!). How disappointing! This sounds just awful.

I have a couple of questions - first, is he new to this school? It's still pretty early in the school year and if he hasn't developed close relationships yet, this may explain the low response.

Second, you didn't mention if you requested that parents RSVP. I've read (and noticed) that anymore, people don't RSVP anyway, but if you don't specifically ask for a RSVP by a certain date, it can be hard to get people to respond. Also, anymore, it's almost imperative that you have to follow up with people you haven't heard from. Don't get me wrong, I think this shows terrible manners on the part of the invited guest, but it seems to be the direction things are headed these days.

Take care and I hope that your son will get over this and be ok.

J...

I am sorry to say this but you were wrong to expect everyone to be there. You were also wrong to think of the other moms as thoughthless and selfish to not attend your sons' BD. Our kids are the center of our world and is our top priority but, unfortunately, they're not the center of other people's world :)!

My kids have been invited to parties before but we're just too busy to attend all of them. I only attend the ones that my kids REALLY want to go to...usually only to their close friend's parties. People are just too busy to shuffle their kids to BD parties so "parties" is NOT a priority on people's list of things to do/places to go. I know that's my case most of the time. Sometimes, my kids just say they don't want to go because they're not really friends with the birthday child.

Anyhow, what happened to you is normal. What's NOT normal is YOU expecting that ALL invitees will show up. I have three kids and give them BD parties every year. The only time people RSVP is if they're planning to come. I do the same, only RSVP if I'm planning to go. You should NOT expect people who don't RSVP to show up. If you think about it, even when YOU throw a party (even weddings) for adults...sometimes it's hard to get everyone to RSVP...let alone complete strangers (which the mothers/fathers of your boy's classmates are to you).

Please don't think of other parents as selfish or thoughtless as only people who are EXTREMELY EXTRA considerate/polite who would RSVP to child's "classmate" BD party if they're NOT planning to go..especially one so young where frienship is not an "establish" thing yet as the kids will have different friends next year in gradeschool. Only "close" friends and families are ever expected/obligated to RSVP to your invites either way.

For next year, give an RSVP deadline and only expect the one who response with a "YES" to show up. It is rude if they DON'T RSVP THEN show up (but nothing you can do except grin and try to squeeze that kid in). Also if they say "yes" and shows up....which happens too....then you can give that mom/dad a dirty look next time or if you ever see them.

If they RSVP'd that they would attend, and then did not, that is just horribly rude. However, I hear from some friends who have preschoolers and younger elementary age kids that they feel there are just too many birthday parties to attend. It becomes a hardship on the family to buy so many gifts and take so much time out of their weekends for the parties of friends and classmates, particularly if they have other children with soccer games, etc., on weekends, too. Many of them are starting to opt out, unless it's a very good friend of their child's.

Thinking back, I don't recall many parties when I was in preschool and elementary. Birthdays were mostly a family affair, unless they celebrated a milestone age.

OUCH! My daughter is about to turn 4 and I don't know what I would do if that happened. One thing that has worked for her friends whose parties we've attended is sending out an Evite. Then you get a clear idea (hopefully ) of who RSVP'd and who didn't, so you could always follow up with a note in the unresponsive's cubbie, or seperate email. You also would be able to prep your child with how many frinds are coming, and plan for food, gift bags, etc. I'm so sorry for your son's loss, they are very aware at that age. No it is not normal, it was rude. Hopefully an RSVP next time will go a long way. If these parents did RSVP yes and then didn't show, that is reason to be angry.

That's such a bummer. I hope your son wasn't too hurt. You're feeling so strongly because these people hurt your son--it's the mama tiger in you. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt, though. Think about what might have happened. Did the invitations go out a long time ago--long enough for them to be forgotten or misplaced? Is there an illness going around (they should have called, certainly, but is this a possibility?) Did these people RSVP that they would come and then just not show up? Or did they not RSVP "yes" so it was never on their calendar. Are you sure the invitations made it to the parents? Or did they get left in a child's backpack and never delivered.

I have totally skipped kids birthday parties if it was a child not particularly good friends with my children. Granted, I RSVP to say that we won't make it, but I think it would be tough to have the whole class at a party and I always assume (if it's not a child that's really friends with my child) that we're getting the invite just because they don't want to exclude anyone in the class, not because that child will be crushed if my daughter doesn't attend. Know what I mean. I hope it all smoothes over okay and if there is any way to change the outcome next year you'll do your best to make it happen.

Did you have them RSVP before hand and did anyone give you good reason. We do not attend all parties- it becomes too much- and I forget and the expense of the presents. I do agree that a childs birthday is a special day however perhaps instead of the entire class keep it to a few close friends and family I think it makes it more special.

Yes Id say its pretty normal. We also invited my sons entire preschool class of kids and got only 1 kid out of 16, but since we have a big extended family, there were plenty of other kids that came as well. Im not sure why that is but it changes as they get older of course. It really becomes important to the kids who in turn get to
remind their parents about the party and they will show up.

Wow, 20 invitees for a pre-schooler's birthday party!!! That's quite a few kids, more than the average kid's party. You are wrong to expect their parents to tell you why they didn't come. Times are tough for many families, it's the beginning of the school year and maybe more than just a couple didn't have the money to buy your son a birthday gift. Did you ask for rsvp's on the invite?
If you wanted to be inclusive with that many kids, just celebrate the day without the implied obligation of a gift (parties do that) you could have taken cupcakes to his class and they could have sang happy birthday during his snack time. If anyone is being selfish, I'm sorry, it's you right now. You made this party about you and trying to impress the other parents. Again, seems to me that these parents have prioritized paying their tuition and getting their kids to school everyday first, parties and social engagements are not imperative or priority items. If you have 5 yr old, the rule of thumb is 1 guest for each yr of age+one more. You put your child on overload trying to interact with all his guests, the kids are fairly young and it's hard to insure everyone is happy and safe, 22 kids (guests plus your two) in a public place is more than pushing the envelope. And with the flu on most parents' minds, they probably wanted to limit their exposure. Who knows, maybe some kids were sick or appeared to be ill, so their families kept them home, or maybe someone in their home was ill.... Next year, scale it back, a LOT, take treats to school and only invite a couple of very close friends of his to a party. Have a family party at home, cake and ice cream after lunch or dinner, gifts opened from his parents and his brother, grandparents, aunts and uncle, cousins... if close by. I'm sorry for your son that he had such high expectations during a tough economy and flu season.

I don't know if it's normal or not, either, but the same thing happened to us. I had a "real" party for my twins last year when they turned 5. I thought of 5 as being a milestone birthday and wanted to give them a chance to celebrate with friends from their preschool. Prior to this, all birthdays were just family celebrations. We invited every child from their class. Only one RSVP came through, which was a yes, but still, no one showed the day of the party. It was disappointing at first, but we sure made the best of it by getting all the food for ourselves and not having to worry about what anyone else wanted to do. I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out for y'all.

I didn't read all of the comments so I'm sorry if this is a repeat. Our daughter will be turning 4 on the 9th and originally we were going to invite school friends, but being that she just started the school year 2 weeks ago, we are keeping it only to the friends she's always known. What I'm wondering is if you invited the entire class this early in the school year, do the kids really know each other? And, do you really know the parents? I know that I have barely spoke to most of the other parents at this point (all the kids are new "friends" for my daughter this year) and it usually takes a couple of months until our daughter really bonds with one or two of the kids. At this point, she doesn't even remember their names enough to tell us about all of them at night. So, my point is, maybe the parents didn't feel really comfortable coming to a party for someone they don't know much. That might be horrible, but it might be the case.

In the past we've had big parties for our little girl (40 or so people) and invited anyone we knew with kids around her age and adults that are our good friends. Well, last year at the 3rd birthday, it was too much. Kids running around screaming, while the kidless friends all hid out in the basement. Plus the kids that she didn't know as well (maybe sees once a year) didn't play well with the others that all knew each other. This year we've realized that we're doing it much easier. Just the friends that are her real friends for a small kids party, then the following week we'll have the one with our friends that have watched her grow up - more a party for us. Hopefully this way it's more manageable and the people that really matter can be there to celebrate with us. :-D As for school friends, they allow us to bring a special treat in to celebrate the kids at school. So I'll be making treats to take in a share.

I'm so sorry for the lack of response and turnout. I don't know about "normal" birthday responses in that situation. But here's what we do to know in advance how many are coming ...

We invite one child for each year. i.e. 2 kids on 2nd birthday, 5 kids on 5th birthday, etc. This helps prevent the birthday child from being overwhelmed and having a melt down on his birthday. And keeps the guest list manageable for Mom. This also makes it easy to call each family individually letting them know how special their child is to my child, making it more likely for them to attend. If, as we get closer to the Big Day, we don't have many attending, we can call others if we want to. We have even rescheduled when we realized only one of his friends could make it that day. It was better for him to have a late party than no party at all.

We have also called the closest friends to see when they could make it and then scheduled the party that day.

This has worked well for my 3 kids the past 12 years. Hope this helps!

This seems very weird to me. I think it is nice that you invited the whole class and did not leave anyone out. I also think it is weird that 2 out of 20 came...
I would ask for RSVP's next time. I don't think everyone will RSVP, but you would have a better understanding of who is coming and can expand your guest list as needed.

Hi J..
I can't explain to you why the party was poorly attended. With the current economy affecting so many, a family on a tight budget might skip a party if unable to spring for a present. Also, the length of the party might have been an issue (two hours is a long time for that age).
Bringing birthday cupcakes and juice for everyone to your child's class next year and throwing a separate party at home for a hand-picked group (just your child's closest playmates) might be something to consider. Get to know the moms of his favorite friends and don't worry about the rest. At age four, volume of guests is not a gauge of peer acceptance! I'm sure your little one is WONDERFUL. = ) Feel better, mommy!

Yes I have had it happen to both my kids atleast once. I don't mind the not showing up as much as the not rsvping. It seems that also, most of the time I get confirmations if my kid goes to the kids and ask if they are coming. Only a couple parents call or email.

The focus here should be did your child have fun? If so, then it doesn't matter how many kids came or didn't. I don't think we need to say anything to our child unless they seem sad about it or bring it up. I'd be focusing on how much fun s/he had with the 2 that came and leave it alone. The more we explain it, the more they sometimes feel like something went wrong. At 4 years old, they are just having a good time...it's WE as adults that bring to their attention the lack of attendance which isn't fair, they were fine until we started making excuses. I'd leave it alone.Parents today are busy. There are a lot of things going on and especially if they are working. I know that weekends are our "family" time and we make the most of it. I don't think the mommy's are selfish or thoughtless, perhaps your child wasn't a close friend, and the parents had to prioritize. If 20 kids invite your child to a birthday party, that's approx. 2 per month from school alone........not to mention personal friendships outside of school. It gets time consuming and expensive to buy that many gifts for casual kids from preschool, school, church, etc. In the future, invite a few close friends and have a great time.

I am so sorry this happened to your son. As a mother of three, it is hard to go to every birthday party in addition to all the soccer games, Brownie events and whatever else is going on. Preschool parties are hard because the parents must stay at the party (and can not multitask)and for the most part the kids are not at the "friend stage" of their lives. My preschool daughter floats for activity to activity, not kid to kid. When push comes to shove, prior commitments like sports or Brownies come first before a birthday party for someone that isn't a good friend and will probably not be at their school next year. Harsh as that sounds most parents have to make decisions like this every weekend.

As someone said before, if your son had fun then that is all that matters.

Unfortunately that is sort of normal... although I would have thought more like 6 out of 20 or so would have shown up. Also, it is september and that may have something to do with it as well. Last year my son was in preschool and in september I didn't know the moms or the kids well at all so I may not have gone had there been any september parties. I would have made more of an effort for a boys party for my son to go to if you know what I mean. My sons b-day was in may and I'd say it was more or less 75% of the kids showed up. But, last year I definatley noticed that more people went to parties in the spring then in the fall.

I do agree that with the times a lot of people are trying not to spend money. Although we are a family that has been impacted deeply by the economy, my husband was layed off, and I still try and make it to b-day parties, I just only buy a $10 gift. Anyway, I do think you are wrong at all. Sorry that happened to your son!