Is This Normal for a 12 Year Old?

Buckle up momma it’s just getting started. This behavior has happened between
Moms and daughters forever. Probably back to cave man days lol. That being said lying is not ok and the punishment needs to fit the crime. Take the phone for a week tell her it’s not bc she was talking to a boy but bc she lied about it.

I am curious if she is 6th grade? My daughter is 11 and started 6th grade this year....the first year of middle school. Almost immediately I dropped about 70 IQ points and became the most embarrassing person on the planet. (Basically I suddenly know nothing and my daughter was hatched under a cabbage leaf and delivered by stork.)

The book Planet Middle School by Kevin Leman really helped me along with another book Girls Will Be Girls by Joann Deak.

Slowly over the past school year my daughter and I have reconnected a bit better and I realize that this time period of middle school is crazy tough on our kids and ourselves.

I am going to bring up something uncomfortable...are you sure the boy is really a boy and not a girl? Could your daughter be "dating" (a.k.a. the middle school version 1.0 of dating) an actual girl? Everyone at my daughter's school is trying to find a boyfriend or girlfriend and there seems to be a lot of fluidity over girls dating other girls vs. boys dating girls and a few boys that date boys. When I use the term dating it is basically being together as much as possible at school texting like love sick puppies and being able to say you are "with" someone. Best I can tell they are not yet getting physically intimate as in hand holding and kissing but by 8th grade this beginnings of that type of touching has started for sure.

My kids phones have to be out in open spaces like any other electronics. They are plugged in the kitchen at night on the chargers and I check the texts and browser histories almost daily. After all I have given them the whole world on a computer that can fit in their pocket. They occasionally try and take them into their rooms but the penalty of a day without them is usually enough to keep them in check.

Don't set her up to lie, she will then you have to have a consequence.

Try and find a place or space where she will talk to you. My daughter will spill her guts in the car if we can't see each other. Riding in the back seat with me in the front. And if I can make my comment non-advice but just listening and accepting. Also, I have started taking her one day a week after school for a small treat/snack and watching some TV together everyday and we comment about what we watch.

I'm sending you a great big mom hug. This time is very challenging. Good luck!!

It's normal, but some of it's not acceptable. Yes, they pull away and get info themselves, and there's some shoulder shrugging and eye rolling. There may be a lot of "I don't know." They are figuring things out in some cases, and of course they're starting to become more independent which means parents aren't cool.

Lying about who her friends/contacts are? Nope nope nope. I'm not sure how you figured out that the "girl" was really a boy when she lied about it. Were there photos?

Anyway, her phone is not hers. It's yours. She has no expectation of privacy while she is a minor, short of you not going into the bathroom when she's there and short of not going into her room until she's dressed. If she cannot handle a phone responsibly, she loses it.

I don't think you have to grill her about every little thing - the independence is normal, as I said, and she needs to "practice" being an adult or at least an adult-in-training. But kids who don't respect their parents and who lie are going down the wrong path. That means you don't interrogate her or expect to be her best friend and confidante (if that's what you mean by "reconnect" with her), but you know what's on her phone (contacts, apps, photos, videos) and you police her social media accounts. And if she walks away from you when you're talking, she's too immature to have a phone or a computer. You need to get a handle on this and set some ground rules before she's thinking about a learner's permit or going out alone with friends. A kid you can't trust is going to be a problem - and she needs to know that now. If she wants privileges that go along with being older, then she needs to demonstrate that she's mature enough to talk to you. Kids who have parents who just look the other way can wind up dealing with drugs or naked photos or booze or vaping.

You can also try talking in the car - no eye contact works well for a lot of tweens and teens. And they can't walk away but the talks can be limited in scope due to short trips here and there.

What do you do when you know she's lying? Showing anger and lecturing only shows her she needs to lie. Never set her up for lying. Tell her, in a matter of fact way, that you know she lied and give her a consequence. Taking away her phone is a logical consequence.

When you show her how upset you are, you're giving her power. She can choose not to talk with you as you've.seen. know that negative attention is better than no attention. When you're matter of fact you're showing her you are comfortable being in charge. She still won"t talk with you until she, herself, feels accepted.

Of course you're upset that she has a habit of lying. Telling her you do not like it when she lies is logical. It's your over reaction that stops communication.
I suggest she needs your approval even tho she acts like she doesn't, so tell her when she does something you like. Experts say parents need to praise children 5 times to one disapproving comment. As an adult, my daughter said she had wanted more "I'm proud of you" comments from me.

It was often difficult to find positive things to say. There was a lot of distance between us. Now that we've recognized what both of us need, we have a good relationship.

I urge you to read a book written by Adele Farber and another women entitled How to Talk so Children Will Listen, How to Listen So Kids Will Talk
I think they may now have one focused on teens.

It's very likely that the only way to get her to use less technology is to limit the amount of time she has access to it. There are times when I tell my boys (10 & 12) that they need to find something else to do. They can go outside or read a book or work a puzzle. There are so many other things they can do. It's a little tougher this time of year when going outside is often not an option, but they really do need a break from electronics.

If you want to reconnect with her, a good way to do this is to drive somewhere (being stuck in a car is a great way to have a conversation) and tell her to leave the phone at home.

I wouldn't bother asking her why she lied. She lied because she thought you wouldn't approve. Telling her that you are disappointment that she lied would probably be more effective. Is there a reason you asked her? Is she not allowed to talk to boys? If that's your rule (or if she breaks a rule), it might be more effective to say, "I noticed you were texting Sam. We have told you that texting boys is not allowed, so the consequence of you breaking this rule is no phone for 2 weeks," or something similar. When you know she did it, what's the point of asking her if she did? If she lies, you know the reason she lied is because you don't approve, so why ask her the question?

I'm hoping if I stay calm and consistent, we will all somehow survive the tween and teen years ... I hope.

I don’t know if you gave her boundaries when you gave her a phone or not. If you didn’t, you need to work on this.

Lying about stuff needs a consequence. I agree with the mom who says not to bother asking her why. She has made it very clear that she doesn’t care that she lied. And if you don’t give her a consequence on that phone, you are telling her you don’t care either.

I would call the phone service and ask them to change her settings to dialing 911 and you, only. No texting, no internet. I’d do it for 2 weeks. If you don’t have her password, she can’t have her phone. That phone goes in your room before she goes to bed. You check her messages and history whenever you want to.

She doesn’t like it? Tough. No phone. The phone is a privilege and her responsibile and honest use of it is how she earns it.

It's normal for some.
Some kids seem to want to pull away a bit from parents as they find themselves.
You don't want to interrogate her - that just makes them shut down.
Actually it doesn't matter about the age - rattle off a bunch of questions to anyone and they'll behave pretty much the same way.

While pulling away to a degree is ok - I'd insist on a level of respect.
Parents and kids are human beings and you have to be at least polite whether your hormones are surging or not.
At 12 she needs more responsibilities - like doing her own laundry, helping with meal prep, learning some more life skills - just helping you with household stuff.
Sometimes cleaning the heck out of something helps us work out some frustrating moods.

Some teens also can start getting into trouble if they have a lot of free time on their hands.
It's time to get her involved in some more activities - and that will give you some common ground to talk about.
Hiding stuff about a boy (childish yes but to be fair she IS a child) just tells you that you need to continue to monitor her device use.

I wouldn't just leave her alone so much as I'd try to approach the problem sideways.
Getting her to use less technology - well it won't be voluntary.
You are going to have to set times when it's ok for her to use and when it's not you just take the tech away (over night, meal times, etc).
You give her something to do - "go rake some leaves, shovel some snow, turn up a garden bed" etc - and you keep her phone while she's off doing it.

all sorts of hormonal things start to happen around this age, and distancing oneself from one's parents is a pretty common one. the best response to it is to make sure you keep the door open (or in the case of a kid who keeps slamming it shut, re-opening it) but don't fall into the common trap of picking and pecking at her to try and 'reconnect.'

no one likes to be chivvied into *sharing*.

but lying is a non-starter in my house. i'd have that phone back in my custody so fast her head would spin.

i'm glad you seem to have rules in place about checking on her technology.

so two things- 1, your friends are wrong, hiding contacts and lying about them is not normal (or at least not okay). it's your job as a parent to try as best you can to stay on top of that sort of thing. and lying is never never never okay, even if most of the world keeps trying to soft-peddle it as no biggie.

2, kids learn what they see far more than what they hear. model the behavior you want her to internalize, and try not to panic if it doesn't seem to take. it might take years before you see the results of your good work. in the meantime, don't ask a litany of questions in an attempt to connect. keep the interrogations for infractions. questioning madly about her day and her friends and her feelings is counter productive. but when you find unpleasant surprises on her technology? that's when you break out the thumbscrews.

khairete
S.

My kids sort of come and go in my life and if I push myself into their lives, they just aren't interested. Sometimes I will try to see how they are by approaching them, only to have them groan, and by the time I go make myself comfortable on the couch with Neflix, I hear "MOM MOM" and they want me to come see what they are into. Then I'm expected to come running. It drives me nuts, but that's how my tweens/teens are. I just go with it.

As for lying ... that's not cool. Mine would lose their phone. Covering something up on the phone, nope. That's the age they do that stuff. I found my kids were not actually mature enough to have phones at that age without running into some of that stuff, and that's why we (like you) checked their phones. So explain why lying and covering stuff up is not cool and why you need to take phone until she shows you that you can trust her to have phone. She needs to explain why she felt the need to lie.

I don't agree with your friends.

I’m lucky that my daughters and I all have a love of theatre, This has given us something to do and a way to connect. My girls also never turn down a meal when offered at a restaurant.

Find something enjoyable to both you and your daughter and do it...perhaps go and get your nails done together or get a massage.

It's definitely normal for that age. But she should be punished for lying and let her know that you have the right to check her technology. At that age, we found that our daughter and her friend were talking to strangers on an app called Kik. Could have been teenage boys, could have been adult men. We took her phone away for a week or more after that. They aren't mature enough to know the dangers out there or what they are getting into.

It's also normal for her to pull away from you at this age. Just try to give her space but try to find some time every once in awhile to do something together. My daughter and I would frequent a pizza joint that her dad didn't care for when he was out of town or working late.

Good luck! The teenage years with a girl are tough - we found them much worse than with our son.

It is common for children at this age to start to pull away, but I think you are right to want to maintain a connection with her. A sense of humor can help, don’t take her behavior personally if she prefers TV or her phone, but look for opportunities to do an activity together that you know she likes. Try to listen more than talk. If she wants to watch TV, watch with her, ask her about the show, the actors, the plot, whatever, just let her know you are still there and interested in her thoughts and feelings. Maybe ask if she’d be up for making a meal together, or garden together. Take her shopping or to a movie. Gently and lovingly remind her that you love her and her relationship with you is important to you. Ask her what she would like that to look like. Listen to what she tells you.

I think you know why she lied. She lied because she wanted to text a boy, and it sounds like you don’t allow that. I am wondering why she can’t text a boy? I think it is reasonable for you, as someone who is older and wiser, to want to monitor who she is communicating with and what she is communicating, but banning communication with boys is only going to force her to go underground. In general, the next few years are going to be a constant struggle for you if you are trying to control her. You can set reasonable limits and expectations but mostly you want to help her make good decisions and know what is safe and smart for herself. Don’t leave her alone, but don’t try to control her. Ask her for her thoughts about the various challenges she is faced with. What does she think about technology, the good and the bad?

Remind her that you are actually on the same side and you want the same things, perhaps for her to grow up safe, perhaps for her to grow up happy? Find things that you agree on and then try to negotiate reasonable household rules, like “no phones at the dinner table,” or “no phones the hour before bedtime” because screens interfere with good sleep. It is more likely that she will follow rules if she has participated in developing them.