Is She Really My Friend?

some people are just like that. Maybe she likes being around several people or tries to visit with all of her friends to get socializing in at one time. I would try to call her or email her and just say, "hey! I was thinking maybe just you and I could go have a drink/coffee and catch up! We always seem to hang out in groups and it doesn't give us the opportunity to catch up. Give me a call so we can plan it soon!"

If she doesn't respond, give up.

Everyone has someone like this in their life. Sometimes its friends. Sometimes its neighbors. Sometimes its family.

To me it sounds like she considers herself more of just an aquaintence.

Just because she is posting on facebook that she was hanging out with Jill, Sue and Amy doesn't mean that she initiated that event. Not returning your calls is just rude. Even if someone is busy. Its just rude.

I have a family member who does exactly this to me. She was in town last week and made it seem like we had a strong, close relationship. I would disagree.

The approach that I have taken is this. If she calls, she calls, but basically I don't wait by the phone, and even if she agrees to get together, I always have a plan B for when she doesn't show.

As for ending the friendship, I would just focus on other things and not make a big deal about it. If she cares about the friendship, she'll call or email. If she doesn't, she won't do anything.

She may be your friend, but at this point in your lives she may not be your playmate. I have both and they aren't always the same role in the same person all the time.

It doesn't sound like she has kids????? You said she's busy with her business. What do you guys have in common - schedules, family, events???? That may be part of it.

I noticed after I had kids that there are lots of women out there (some with and some without kids) who needs confirmed plans that don't tend to change. Well, I can't really operate that way. Stuff comes up. So, we drift apart. But then as lives calm down we can drift back together.

It sounds like you're drifting apart.

When people start talking about 'ending a friendship' - I guess I don't really know what that means. Just because you guys are growing apart doesn't mean she can't still be your friend in a cycle of another couple years when things have evened out for you both... does it?

However, the relationship shouldn't hurt and confuse you. What I would do is get other friends. Let her see what a great time YOU are having. People always gravitate toward other people who are happy about their place in life. So, rather than confront her..... just develop a life that makes you happy and let her decide if she wants to be in it with you.

maybe that would work?

That's a tough one. I would suggest you wait for her to initiate contact and see how long it goes. If she doesn't contact you, I would assume she's not that interested. If she doesn't have kids, unfortunately, some so called friends no longer want anything to do with friends who are now moms. It might be time for you to do some research into "mom groups".

Good luck and keep your head up.

If you have to ask the question then you already know the answer. No, she is not your friend unless its convenient to her. I would start looking for a new friend(s) to do things with. Good luck.

It definitely sounds like she's trying to distance herself from you for some reason. I agree that it could be because she can't relate to motherhood and everything that comes with it. That happened to me with one of my close friends when I had my first baby. She ended up getting pregnant with her first when I got pregnant with my second, so then we had a lot in common and grew closer again. You could try talking to her and asking her why she doesn't return your calls. Or you could just give her space and see what she does. If you never hear from her, then just let it go and move on.

If you have to ask ...

No, she is not. It took me a while to figure out what a friend was, but I did finally figure it out. It is the relationships that come EASY. It is someone who benefits your life in some way. It is someone who doesn't want to one up you. It is someone who accepts you for you, and doesn't hurt you and confuse you.

It's hard to tell of course, but you could be a bit sensitive. Sounds like your lives are just on different tracks right now. Are you generally a sensitive person that gets her feelings hurt easily? If so your expectations may be too high. If not, then maybe she is trying to distance herself from you.

Do you have fun when you get together? If yes, then I wouldn't be in a hurry to dump her. If you need more support from your friend..... ask for it. Does it matter who calls who? If she can't deliver..... then you will have your answer.

Still your needs may change later and you may come back together.

To me - a true friend is someone that you can go months without talking to and yet it seems like just yesterday because you have such strong connection to one another. I have "friends/acquaintances" and I have true friends. "Friends/acquaintances" are those who I see every once in a while, I'm interested in their life but we don't have the connection that I have with my true friends. I have a "friend/acquaintance" that is similar to yours. I used to think we could be better friends but really I think it was too much work on both our parts hence no real connection other than circumstances and relations.

Recently I met someone who I felt a strong connection to and we are closer friends than my other "friend" of 5 years and going strong. She and I are both extremely busy and get to chat maybe every couple of weeks or see each other maybe once a month but each time we do it's like we instantly reconnect and we both mention how much we miss one another =)

I guess the question is - what do you want out of a friendship? For each person it is slightly different. I think you can gauge by her response and your own feelings as to whether or not you guys have a true friendship or just "friend/acquaintance." Also, just another thought but a true friend would probably know how you feel and you probably wouldn't be posting this question =)

Just, forget about it.
Why waste your time.

A friend, reciprocates.
She does not.

Get on with things.
Do not dwell on this.
It is a waste of time.

Or, you tell her point blank, your concerns.

This is adulthood.

Then, move on.

This is your first time, posting on MamaPedia?

I hate to say it, but it sounds like she's just not that into the friendship anymore. It happens often, it's a fact of life, sometimes they just run their course. It's happened to me & I've had to be the one to "break it off".

What it boils to, for me, at least, is that friendships should be a source of happiness & positivity in your life, not a source of negativity or stress. So, if the friendship is already one sided, and she's playing games on top of it, what's the point? That doesn't sound like a friend, IMO. Time to move on.

Friendships have warmer and cooler periods. I know people with whom I have been friends but who I now feel are in almost the "acquaintance" category. But that's what happens. It's the nature of the beast.

I once had a friend whom I liked but who seemed ambivalent about me. As she explained later, she was really looking for a different kind of friend - someone to whom she could be practically joined at the hip, with whom she could do things almost every day. I wasn't that kind of person - I like a little more space in a relationship - but once we understood each other there was no frustration. She did find the kind of friends she needed - and not having me as her very best buddy certainly wasn't going to keep her out of heaven or anything!

If you, like her, need a friend who is almost family, this person probably isn't the one. It just sounds as if you and she are traveling in different circles more and more. Can you wish her well but at the same time find other friends for yourself? You probably have good people around you that you haven't really thought about because you've been concerned about this gal.

Isn't it funny that even as adults our friendships are complicated?? As grown women we should just be honest with each other right?

I just posted a question not long ago about my friend. We've been friends forever, and the last few years has been very trying for me. She calls me ALL the time, but we never see each other. I tried getting together with her countless times, and she either always said no, cancelled at the last minute or strung me along then came up with a lame excuse. But, she finds time for other people. BUT...if I had plans with someone else alot, or as couples she'd very obviously become jealous about it!? HUH??? It makes no sense. If she doesn't get ahold of me FOR ONE DAY she immediately starts with the "Are you mad at me?" "Oh you're too cool for me!" messages......WHAT??????
It makes no sense, and while I love her, and we've been through alot I'm exhausted trying to change things. So I'm not putting any effort forth anymore. Maybe you should do the same for awhile, and if she doesn't seem to care, move on! Who has time for the games?

If she doesn't have any children of her own, it could be that she just doesn't feel like she has as much in common with you any more. It might have nothing to do with how much she likes you, she might just feel like you two would run out of things to talk about. If you're a SAHM (and even if you're not), you probably have a tendency for your talk to focus on your child, which, for someone who doesn't have any children and can't relate, could be uncomfortable. I know I'm not nearly as close to my best friend as I used to be because we're in two completely different places in our lives. She's a single gal living in a big city, and I'm a SAHM. Hopefully this is more what the situation is, and she's not INTENTIONALLY trying to hurt your feelings... Hope this helps!

I have also felt this way about certain friends, but they always seem to call when they need a favor. Sorry this is happening to you. It is confusing and hurtful. Now that I have kids, though, I'm busy with other things and have decided I don't have time to worry about these confusing friendships. I feel much better now. I know it's hard, but if you're able to, try to focus on the friendships that are not so one sided, the easier ones.

I think you need to talk to her. Tell her to be honest with you, that is what friends do. If you have a child and she doesn't that does cause a change in friendships, I've experience. I had 2 really close friends in high school and stayed close until I had my daughter in my early 20's. We tried to hang out, but after I had my child, it was harder and harder, I was a mommy and they were single ladies with no kids. I ended up moving several states away and doing all the calling, and just let it go. It took about 10+ years before I got back in touch with them. I still do more of the calling but now there is facebook and we can keep in touch when we are on, but we've went our separate ways. They were really there for me when I needed and I hope they can say the same about me. Our interest are a little different and family does take on more of your "time".

Good Friends will be honest with you.

Friends are just like anyone else - they get sick of us sometimes and need a break. Same with husbands and other family members.

It may just be that she wants a break from you for awhile. Give it to her. I don't know whether you are being overly sensititve, but really, that doesn't matter. Either way, she is being distant and you need to do what you will with that. I would suggest not contacting her for awhile and letting the ball be in her court, while making it clear you are still interested in remaining close.

I have tons of different kinds of friends, all fulfilling me in a certain way, and I them. Some I talk to almost daily. Others I go months without talking to and we can pick back up like there was never a lull. So, you just need to determine what kind of friendship YOU want, and then get that, either with her, or with someone else.

Good luck.

Sounds like this friendship has run it's course.
Time to cultivate some new friends!

I have a few friends like that, and sometimes I am that friend... I have a few friends that we only call each other every 4 months or so. People get busy, they don't rely on each other, some just aren't big on outings... it sounds like something you can easily phase out of if you wanted to. I do agree though on one thing, her always inviting a tag along friend on your outings would get old quickly, that would be my major annoyance. Just stop calling for a while.

Have you asked her???? Have you asked her if she is interested in your friendship?? I would start there.

Hi L, you sound a little insecure, and little unsure of yourself.

Waiting around for this person to 'pull her weight' in your friendship is not helping.

Spend your time with likeminds who are happy excited to see you, who are relaxed with you.

Also, people change, time goes by, what was a great match 10 years ago, may not be so perfect now.

Set yourself up with some sistas who make you feel good about yourself!

:)