Is My Son a Bully?

D.,
I went through this with my 3 yr old son this past Fall/Winter, at his MDO. We all worked together and tried and tried many different things. One thing, for my son, he was not using his words to portray his feelings. We worked really hard at school and at home on using "big boy" words. The hitting was emotionally hard on me, MDO was the only place where he hit, he never hit friends any where else. We also worked really hard on; "Hands are not for hitting, hands are for loving." There is a book called "Hands are not for hitting" by Elizabeth Verdick. This might be of help. Anyway, by the middle of the Spring semester we had fewer and fewer incidences and the they finally stopped completely. It is definitely their age, but does need to be addressed. I, too, was worried about ds becoming a bully - but knew that was not it because he is a tenderhearted little guy.
Hope this helps. And may this phase end soon for you.

I hate to say, but think it is mostly just a stage and probably with a little time he will stop. I think the important is continue with the discipline from home and whatever they do at school (time outs, etc) for the undesirable behavior. I think the most important thing is to be consistent. We had a terrible time with our son around 2-2 1/2 with similar behavior, he was at a home daycare and with mostly girls, so his teacher really struggled as girls don't often act as wild and physical as boys. We tried everything, time outs, spanking, rewards, taking things away, and a lot of prayer and finally he just got better. I wish I had a magical answer for you. Hang in there and I am sure things will get better. I know what it is like to think you have a bully at that age!!!

maybe if you could take some time one day, go in & observe your son (possibly without him knowing if that is possible) & see how he is interacting with the other kids & also how it is being handled by the teachers.....it is true that kids mimmick what other kids are doing but maybe situations are not being handled the way they should be. esp, if more than one child is having the same problem. once you see exactly what is going on you might be more able to assess the situation better
hope this helps

I agree, I would try to go up there and observe the class to see exactly what is going on and how it is being handled. If there are several children exhibiting this behavior, what is the teacher/director doing to fix the problem? Has the issue been addressed as a class? Could you suggest that maybe the teacher read books about bullies and do a short lesson or role play how to use appropriate behaviors when sharing, etc with the children? It seems that maybe the issue will not be resolved with your son until it is resolved (or at least lessened) with the class as a whole. I mean, at this point it sounds like your options are to allow your son to bully children or to be bullied by them. Good luck, this is a tough one.

I'd say get help right now, because he should behave at school. There could be a problem at school, maybe even the teacher. But you don't want to have issues now. Your son will someday be taller than you. Mine is 16 and 6 feet tall. He's a sweetie.

My 14 year old daughter is a bully only at home. Thank goodness she's shorter than me. She's the youngest and feels the need to bully everyone else to get her share of attention. I wish we'd worked on this earlier because it's REALLY hard now.

So start early, find the problem and work with him and the school. Teachers are not perfect either, so a switch of teachers might be good.

Obviously the children need to be monitored more closely. Your son seems to be copying the actions of other children with whom he is playing. Especially, if you know for a fact that he does not see this type of behavior at home or in the homes of friends and family members.

We all want our children to know how to defend themselves and there is a fine line between defense and bullying. They have to be shown how to behave well by teaching them how to take turns and play well together. Examples have to be set for them by those in charge of their care. If I set three children, less than 2 years of age, around me and feed them bites of yogurt from their own cups. They notice that they have their own cup and that I say, "Susie's turn, Michael's turn, Abby's turn, " they are learning about taking turns and I've given them the proper word that will come up later during their playtime together. If, I set a timer to determine how long each child can play with the beloved music box; and when the timer goes off I tell the child that now it is Amanda's turn. Once again they learn about taking turns and they will learn to trust me in each instance.

Children are not born bullies or angels. They are taught by example. Might be the parents, might be friends or acquaintances; but somewhere they've seen the actions. If they are just turned loose to freeplay at this young an age with no guidance, you can be sure the outcome will be negative.

They learn what they live...whether it be at home, at grandma's, at school, or at daycare.

I'd check into the way these episodes are being handled when he's with the other children.

http://www.missbrenda.com

THis isn't really advice but this is what I have started soing with my very aggressive daughter. My husband will call her "mean" or "brat" or "bully". I tell him not to call her these things because it is almost like giving her an excuse. "I act this way because I am a bully, ect." GOod Luck!

D.,

Hi. I'm the mother of a 4 1/2 year old boy and a 16 month old girl. I found that when my son acted out he was usually screaming out for some one on one attention. When I took some time out just for him, even 20 minutes coloring, things improved. It still works today. I also use time out a lot. What works these days is time out in his room. I tell him to spend alone time to think about his behavior. Even if he plays in there, he still hates it. I ask him what he could do better next time to avoid time out and I usually get a pretty good answer. Good luck.

D.

What action is taken at school when this happens?? I think I would of course keep trying things at home, but I would think IMMEDIATE discipline at school when he is caught in the act is the key. Talk to the teacher and try to come up with some new ideas of ways to handle it on her end. What she's doing is not working, so ask her to try something new. Also, remind the teacher to constantly give "Positve reinforcement" throughtout the day when he IS acting appropriately. I.E. "Jimmy, I really like the way you are sharing that toy with Johnny so nicely...good work!"

Is he hitting out of anger or out of hyperness? I know either one is not correct, but it will help out with the solution. My son would get super excited and and start getting rough. He wasn't doing it to be mean, just didn't know how to control his emotions. I do believe my son has signs of ADHD.

Also, he had two different teachers throughout his last school year. One teacher would comment how he couldn't keep his hands to himself, etc. The other however, said he was the most well behaved kid. Go figure. But, with the last teacher, she said she used postive reinforcement all the time. He also flourished at home. I could tell the difference. She kept him occupied at school and he learned so much more in that short time. So I really do believe that teachers make a huge difference. Same kid, different teacher, and two totally different behaviors!

I had the exact problem with my son when he turned three. The good news is that at age four he has outgrown it!! His came from another kid at school always bullying him. He will never tell when a kid hits or pushes him. So he became another bully to defend himself. It took awhile for his teacher and I to work through it. We also came up with a punishment for school that would continue at home if needed. Mostly he lost cartoons at home and and fun activities at school. You may want to take a half day and peek in and watch during active play times. My son still doesn't speak up for himself :( but at least now he has learned to stay away from kids that are mean to him.

I am sorry you are going through that, and I am certainly no expert as my child is much younger, but my first reaction would be to try to find out if something is bothering him on a deeper level. Has another child been bullying him? Is he frustrated because he isn't learning something that other kids understand? Could he be overly tired, and perhaps need longer naps? Is it a new school/daycare? Sorry I can't be of much help.

I had problems with my daughter when she was younger and I found that she did not react well to negative reinforcement. So, when the teacher focused on her bad behavior everyday it just got worse. I ended up working with the Director of the school and we came up with a more positive approach where we started rewarding the good behavior.

Now that she is a little older we use is a behavior chart. For every big activity of the day (i.e. circle time, lunch, etc.) she has to fill out a chart with her teacher and she either gets a happy face - neutral face - or sad face. It has helped her to gain ownership because she has to tell the teacher what face she thinks she should get. It is amazing that she is always truthful.

I hope this helps!