Is It Wrong

I think if you are considering not marrying someone due to his family, you should not marry him. When you marry someone, you should love them so much that you will deal with whatever comes with him. While it's nice if the person has a wonderful family, it's just the luck of the draw that some will and some won't. We all have to deal with that.

My question is: Is the child you are referring to his child? If so, you most likely knew of the situation when you had the child together, so don't use his family as a convenient excuse now....
That said, you really DO marry the family when you marry a man, as Gerri said.
Other factors involve how close to them do you physically live, how often will you see them, etc. No matter what there will be interaction, even if it is infrequent. So you need to be prepared for that.
Many others have asked how he feels about his family, but at the end of the day, they ARE his family and they will be in his life forever. Very few people are prepared to completely write off their entire family forever.

My in-laws are really wonderful people, they reared a wonderful son who I love dearly. But, I come from a much different background, and it's been hard to feel fully accepted at times. They really do their best, but they're so entrenched in their own beliefs that they have a hard time recognizing there are multiple world views that are just as acceptable.

We don't live close to them, so we don't have to deal with it on a daily basis, and the same can be said for my family. My eyes really opened to my own family's dysfunction once I got married. For example: my own mother doesn't know what kind of cancer I fought less than 2 years ago after the birth do my daughter.

I can't change my family, and my husband can't change his. But, we can tolerate both of them and make sure we try our best not to instill the negative components of each into our own family.

Best wishes. Follow your heart and your instincts. If you love him, and if he's willing to support you 100%, you have a good man. If he can't see the flaws of his own family, that may be a huge red flag to consider moving forward.

I do not want to repeat what is written, so I will provide a slightly different take: how does your husband feel about his family??? How does he react around them? How does he characterize them??? Does he want for you all to live near them?

I hope your answers will help lead you to the best decision for you. Best of Luck.

I agree that you should let him have a say in all this. You have already had a chance to see how he behaves and reacts to them in situations and that should tell you a lot about him. If you are ok with that part of it, talk to him about your issues with them. Either he is willing to put you first, or not. What level of "putting you first" you expect from him needs to be decided now and made vey clear to hi, and then see if he can live with that. If you decide you want zero contact and he isn't willing to do that, you will have your answer. Better to have it out in the open now. Just be sure that he is willing and doesnt feel forced or he will resent you for it later. You have to compromise on it and decide if you can both live with the compromise.

Lots of people stay married despite horrible in law situations. And lots don't. But the only way to make it work is to come to an agreement and know where you stand.

If you already have a kid with him, I hate to tell you but they already are going to be in your life forever. You might not have to deal with them directly if you don't marry him, but they will still have access to your children through your fiance. You just won't be able to monitor or influence the situation. The only thing you can do is be open with your kids about your morals and values and set a good example, and take each situation as it comes and deal with it. Which is pretty much what you would have to do if you were married.

I think you are very realistic about what is in your future if you marry this man.
We would all like to think that love is enough for a happy marriage, but I think those of us who have been married for a while know that it isn't.
Having a bad relationship with your in laws can really make things difficult, especially if your boyfriend isn't willing or able to sever his ties with them or stand up to them.
You can make it work if you are both willing, maybe if you move out of driving distance, so visits are few and far in between. It will be hard work and hard on him - even if he wants it.
Get premarital counseling, if you decide to do it, so this is addressed before you take your vows.

Other than that... count your blessings that you know this about his family now, and don't come to find out after the fact... and find someone else, if he can't or will not commit to the above.

My husband choose me, even though all of my family but one person is just like you said your future husband to be's family is.

Even though my family is nasty, I am not that way.

I say get married, love him, and you both move far away from his family.

It is sad to think that this guy has to be punished for what his family does.

Best wishes to you both.
God bless

Sounds like you already know the answer to your own question..............another thing to keep in mind is that you do marry the family just as much as you do the man. Good luck!

There are certainly exceptions to the rule BUT from experience with one of my brothers marrying a girl that was in a similiar situation and also thinking she would be different - we (and he) have seen it has a huge impact on them as they enter their new married life. The way you are raised has a huge impact on how you will be as an adult and the way you interact with your own children and others. I would ask you if he defends their actions or hates it also. He could definitely be a case of wanting and demanding more from himself and will be the total opposite but he would have to show me A LOT on convincing on this. Many children have overcome terrible childhoods and been better adults for it. What are his core values - what is most important to him ... family/stability/faith? Make sure they are the same as yours before you commit to marriage. He won't change after the ring goes on his finger. Good luck!!

like someone else said, how does he feel about his family? would he move away from them? just a thought. but to be honest it doesn't sound like you're head-over-heels in love with this guy or you would say to heck with the family and you wouldn't look back. (in my experience). or maybe i'm just the only idiot that does that ;) "he's a very sweet guy" isn't really a claim of great undying love. just my impression. either it's worth it, or it's not. i would not necessarily NOT marry someone because of their family - but i can see where it would be a big hangup. just know that you WILL always have to deal with them (unless future hubby is exasperated with them as you are and stops talking to them, but i assume that's not the case since you are worried about having to deal with them.) good luck, sounds like a tough decision.

if its not possible to marry him and move across the country lol, i'd pass on that package personally. Depends on what you're willing to put up with for the rest of your life

i think there might be another solution...moving away from where the family lives. you can marry the sweet guy you love (which technically does include the family), but you won't be so close to where the family could make a big impact. if he is far from them, he might not tend to act in the same way and you won't have to deal directly with them. i don't know if that is at all possible for your situation, but it could be a solution. plus, if you have kids (or plan to), they won't be directly influenced by his family...good luck

Dear D.,

You are correct...you get the family when you marry your man. But, if he's your Mr. Right there are ways to get around the bad example set by his family members.

One possibility is to move to another state thus reducing the amount of time they would be spending with you.

Another is to teach your future children by example and break the cycle that your beloved's family has set. My family is the problem with us. It does help that most of them live in Alaska and we live in Oklahoma now.

Without going into too much details, I'll just say I was raised in an extremely disfunctional family who holds grudges for years. I chose to be the peace maker and to break the ugly cycle. I now have my own family...my husband of 23 years, a 29 year old daughter and 17 year old son. Add in three gorgeous grandchildren. My daughter and her family have an awesome relationship with my husband, son and I. In fact they will be moving in with us in June due to financial problems. My daughter and son were taught by example and when they questioned what one of my family members did, we explained, age appropriate of course, why it was wrong and what could have been done instead. We have used these incidents as learning moments.

We are not a perfect family by any means but we are NOT disfunctional.
I guess what I am saying is, if this man is your true love, marry him, but before you do, you and him need to make a pact to break the bad cycle that his family has developed. Make sure that HE is willing to join you in teaching your future children good habits and to have good attitudes. If he isn't willing to "let go" of his family and sides with them...then in my opinion you have your answer. Get out now. If he won't have your back now he won't have it in the future.

I have to quote the Dalai Lama here, "The basic thing is that everyone wants happiness, no one wants suffering. And happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors. If your own mental attitude is correct, even if you remain in a hostile atmosphere, you feel happy."

The choice is yours, but by keeping a positive attitude the antics of his family will roll off your back like water on a duck's back.

I hope this has been helpful. Good luck and blessings.

W. Q

i mean i hate to say it but my inlaw family isn't quite as yours to be. mine is more like well not loving. they're very self-centered and children were never their priority. i had the same fears when i decided to marry my husband who is nothing like them. he turned out to be nothing like them but the way my inlaws are has caused quite a few problems in our marriage. the spouse cannot get rid of family, and they don't live far enough (16 hrs closest), and still manage to stir quite a few stews in our family. i am still afraid my children will have the same genes, though maybe not. i have never seen anything like it. so, i say, he may not be the way they are, but their existence will come into surface always. if you can deal with it, then go for it. my solution to their presence was to cut off my ties. not my husband, but me in entirety and that brought an end to all the drama

It's not wrong. If this guy were totally separated / estranged from his family, it might be alright. BUT if any tough times came up in the course of the marriage (and what marriage doesn't go through it's rough patches?) would he morph into using the behavior he grew up with? How would you feel about that? As much as some would say you would be marrying him and not his family, take a look at all the posts on this site dealing with Mother In Law problems. There are plenty. If your instincts say run, follow them.

Granted, it's hard not to have the extra help, or to tell your child why, but you don't HAVE to see them very much. We moved about an hour north of my inlaws, just enough that it's really hard to see them often. My kids know them but not as well as they know other members of the family. My husband realizes very much how his family is and is glad we don't live close or associate much. If he is a good person and a good father, that is all that matters. When you marry someone and have children with them, that becomes your (and his) primary family, and that is the most important relationship to honor and uphold.

If you love this guy and he's a good father/husband, I don't think the family should get in the way of you being a family. However, it's important to discuss the amount of time your child is going to be exposed to his relatives and see if you two agree on what you should do. Does he see the harmful behavior his family is engaged in? Does he also think the baby should not be exposed to that sort of behavior? If there is disagreement, then that IS a valid reason not to marry. But hopefully, if this is his child, you two will find a way to be together and limit the family exposure. Good luck,

D., First, what is his response to his family? Does he admit or deny there is a problem with the family? If he was raised by this family, then the possibility of him having some of the traits you mentioned is good. Knowing what you know, I would say that you know the answer.

Right or wrong has nothing to do with it. It's about you making a decision. It's your life. So decide if that's what you want.

Typically, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. However, there are some cases where that just isn't the true and somehow this man emerged above the clouds despite the family he was given. You don't get to pick your family. However, watch the way he interacts with them. Is he loving, yet cautious. Does he care for them yet keep a distance. I would be concerned if he gets dragged down and stepped on because he is the nice one. If you do decide to stay with him, I would certainly suggest talking with him about the way you feel. He may feel the same way. I would only do this if you guys have an amazing and close relationship otherwise he may feel you are judging him and the people he loves.

D.,

What kind of relationship does your boyfriend have with his family? Does he know how you feel about his family. Do you want a wedding attended by backstabbing, manipulating, hurtful people? The two of you seem younger, would this be your first marriage?

I think there are more CONS then PROS in your current relationship. Don’t walk into a fire.

Blessings……

I can tell you that you really ARE marrying the family as well as the man!!! My husbands family is almost totally opposite in every way from my family. i come from a family that always showed up for every function at church, was very child-centered in their activities and showed a lot of day to day affection for each other.
My husbands' family are a hard drinking, partying bunch of folks who REALLY know how to celebrate any occasion that comes along!! Church was something that the parents sent the children to so they could have a few hours of peace and quiet on Sunday morning. They can go years ( and I literally mean YEARS) without seeing each other, or communicating in a really meaningful way and not feel like it effects their feelings for each other in any way at all.
When we first married ( over 40 years ago) it was a great source of conflict and struggle within our marriage. (His grandfather and 2 aunts were the only family, on his side, who attended our marriage or acknowledged it in anyway). There have been struggles throughout the years but I must say that things have improved greatly. There is love and mutual respect on both sides now and I look at the man I married and I am glad that I looked past his family and was willing to invest my future with him.
Now I didn't have the issues that you say you have to deal with. They are all honest, upright people, they just have a different lifestyle than I do. I think the real question is how close is the son that you are talking about marrying, to his family? Is he going to be willing to make a life that is not going to revolve around them? Does HE see the things that disturb you as something that he doesn't want to emulate in his own family life? I would sit down and have an open, honest discussion with him about these issues before you allow your relationship to go much further.

I'm confused. In previous questions you've posted you reference your "husband"...but you're not married??