Is It Too Soon to Discipline My 1 Year Old?

I've found it's helpful to tell what else they can do instead of just saying "no". She can knock on the table or she can hug her stuffed animal when she's mad. "No" seems to lose its effect and become a game when they hear it too frequently.

hi L.. Ive been an infant/toddler teacher for years and I can tell you parents do more harm than good when they dont discipline their kids.
Try to distract her when shes doing what you dont want her too. also try the naughty step or chair. It works wonders, only put her there for a minute and after a few times shell realize that she wont be able to get away with what shes doing. If she leaves the step or chair bring her right back. Good luck, I have to do it every day with other peoples children, its draining but will be worth it in the long run.

My daughter is 16 mos, so I completely understand.

At 1 - it is hard to discipline them, I personally have found that being consistent with my daughter has helped. Everytime she throws her cup (this drives me absolutely insane - I am going through paper towels and regular towels so much) - I kneel down to her level, get her attention - tell her NO! and then I take away her cup. This usually gets my message across.... but you have to be consistent b/c at this age - it is hard for them to remember things like this (she still does it now - but now she does it when she is mad and wants to upset me as well - cant give a reaction b/c it just feeds into it).

It is a phase and one day your dauther will understand discipline. I know some moms have books they recomend (I suggest checking out your library first before you spend all that money on a book before you dont know whether or not it works for you).

Good luck and try to have some patience... hard sometimes I know but it is key.

It depends on what you mean by discipline. In a way, discipline starts at day 1. First you're building a safe and trusting environment. Later you start using distraction and gentle words like "Hitting hurts". Removing the child from an environment where the undesired behavior is happening. If a toddler is touching something you don't wish them to touch you give them something else to do. You can say, "You can touch this." I've also said things like "you can touch that with 1 finger". I think it's important to also try to understand the causes for behavior. If a child is screaming then maybe something is upsetting this child. If a child hits it could be out of frustration due to the inability to express needs. My favorite parenting book is "Raising Your Spirited Child". It has great practical suggestions for dealing with behavior and learning what leads to difficult behavior in your child. I have used this extensively with my son who has mild autism (asperger syndrome). His behavior was more intense than the typical child. But it worked extremely well. When he's having a meltdown I say things like "I know you're a great kid and you don't want to behave this way." He knows it's true, he trusts me more than he trusts anyone else and it helps him calm down. I use a lot of priciples of Positive Discipline. Look up that title on Amazon.com. You can get both Positive Discipline and Raising Your Spirited Child at most libraries. I bought my Raising Your Spirited Child book at a yard sale. The fabulous school my son is in now has a copy of it in their guidance counselor's office!

My son is 11 years old and is generally pretty well-behaved as long as he feels safe. My daughter is 8, doesn't have asperger syndrome, and is a bit more difficult than her brother. She has the social skills to know how to push buttons and to try to negotiate out of situations like a lawyer. She responds differently but I still use positive discipline and raising your spirited child. There are times when I have to let the natural consequences of a situation work for me. I also ignore attempts to change my mind about things. I choose my battles carefully. If my daughter wants to wear her dress to bed I figured it's not worth fighting about. If she is begging for something I don't want her to have I tell her calmly, "No, not today." or "Put it on your birthday list." She will ask repeatedly and I will keep saying my original statement calmly. She often will scream about it, tell me she hates me and all sorts of lovely stuff. I ignore that. Actually, I often try not to giggle at it because I remember saying the same things to my own mother. It doesn't do to take these things seriously. I don't let her take my focus away from the original point of the argument. If I start to get too annoyed about the yelling I will say, "I'm done talking about it and I won't respond to any more discussion of this." Then I leave the area or if I'm in the car I turn on the radio.

Of course I'm not perfect and there are plenty of times I find myself yelling. I don't feel it's a good way to parent so I always go back and try to figure out how I could have handled it better. Nobody is going to be able to do exactly the right thing all the time. I just used books that fit in well with my own philosophies of child-rearing and used the tools they provided.

There is a book by a Dr. William Sears (dad of 8 kids and pediatrician) called "The Discipline Book." It has more great suggestions and also guidelines for if someone really feels they want to include spanking. Most of the books, including The Discipline Book discourage physically painful punishment. Removing a child to a slightly less rewarding environment works better. I have said things to my kids like, "You're having trouble following the rules so we need to go in another room." or "We need to go home." Removing a child from a situation is physically more strenuous on mom after a child reaches a certain size but generally by the time they're that big their behavior doesn't require physical removal. I had to deal with it with my son longer because he has autism. I don't even attempt to remove him now. He weighs 84 pounds. But he responds more to verbal instruction now. My daughter's behavior is usually quite good when we're out and I haven't had to remove her from a situation for a long time. She's highly verbal, a great communicator, so her frustration levels are lower than her brothers. She has never been a kid to hit other children who were her friends. She and her brother get into some physical struggles but not too often. I just figure it's a sibling thing.

Sorry this is so long!

M.

Hi L.,
I have a 13 month old and have been disciplining her since around 9 months (that's when she started walking). I actually tell her things like don't touch or don't throw your cup, and only use NO for dangerous situations. It has worked so far, you have to be consistent as some other moms have mentioned, she still tests us everyday. Recently she has been standing on her toddler sized chair, i usually look at her and firmly say SIT DOWN, she does then she stands again and laughs, I tell her SIT DOWN again one more time and you lose the chair. Almost always she stands a third time and loses her chair. she gets mad then I explain she did not listen, she moves onto something else. I find it helps too that at first when I began the "don't touch", if she listened I would say thank you good listening and clap for her. She was so happy and proud of herself sometimes now if you tell her don't... she claps for herself when she is a good listener. From my very brief experience the past couple of months, being consistent and praising good behavior has worked great!!! I didn't remove anything from her reach unless it was dangerous and she does not touch breakable things on coffee tables or fragile things in other peoples homes! Good luck! Hope this helps!

Hi L.,
I think that it's absolutely OK for you to start disciplining your almost 1 year old. We have been disciplining our 17 month old for quite a while. Yes, sometimes she'll cry, but we either remove her from the situation or walk away from her while she is having her "tantrum" so long as it's safe to do so. Saying "no" firmly, and being consistent are key especially if you want to head off this behavior and not have it get out of control. Our 17 month old now knows the word no and takes it more calmly than before, so definitely hang in there, as your little one grows she'll understand more and hopefully her behavior will improve as she does get older and can understand some more. Good luck.

One thing that really helped me with my daughter was to give her something acceptable to do - for example, you could calmly say "no biting; come read this book". Time outs can work too, I don't think I've ever had to use a time out longer than 30 seconds with my 2yo, and she almost always stops the behavior instantly if I say, "Do you need a time out?" I'm not sure I started time outs that young, though - seems like she was closer to 18 months but maybe that's just because we didn't have many behavior problems until then.

Two books that have suggestions that have really helped me are:

Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood by Fay & Fay
Positive Parenting by Latham

As another post suggested, I usually get parenting books out of the library to see if I like them before buying them. I don't agree with absolutely everything either book says, but both had some really useful ideas.

Good luck!

My 2 kids are older now, but when my daughter was very young and testing me at every turn, I discovered the wonders of parent education. Seriously, you may want to see what's available in your area. Since your mom is with her much of the time, you want to be sure you're both on the same page with discipline strategies. It would be great if the 2 of you could attend something together - hey, maybe your husband will go, too. It's well worth the cost of a babysitter. In the mean time, you and your mom have to put in some effort...remove your child from the coffee table, and even from you when she bites, or hits. Put her gently but firmly with the "toys" she can bite and play with. When she says "no" discipline (teach) her by removing her from what she likes if it's inappropriate. She's testing you, and she'll get better at it if you don't stop it now. She needs to know who's the boss - you. Oh, and always acknowledge when you see her doing something that pleases you. I hope that helps.

My son is 15 months old, I just finished reading a book that I found helpful called "Your One Year Old - funloving and fussy" by Loise Bates Ames, Ph. D. The author talks about age 15 months to 21 months being a very demanding age, they want a lot and don't understand a lot yet. It helped me a lot when the author reminded me that my son was immature, I realized I was expecting him to act like a 2 year old. This book talks about development of children in what I felt was a realistic way.

I also was listening to a podcast from pediacast and the doctor on there mentioned that sometimes when we say "no" that the child might not understand that as a young toddler and just like to hear the low noise we make in saying "no", but that ignoring and taking away the item of frustration or removing from the situation sometimes works well.

Someone mentioned already about teaching sign language. We started at about 8 months with out son, he has picked up on some signs, but I feel at this stage the thing I like most is that certain words he knows there is a sign for, so when he is fussy I might say, "is there a bird over there?", he will stop fussing or crying and smile really big and do the sign for bird, or sometimes just like to watch me make a sign. So it has stopped some tantrums many times. We started by using a video from Discovery Toys then went onto using "Signing Time" videos. I also like that I can have him watch a video when he is fussy and I know it is educational.

I hope some of this helps and you find what works for you and your daughter.

No 1 is not to young to tell a child no! They know the word no before they are even a year old.
There is a wonderful book you may want to look into buying. It is called Love and Logic Magic by Jim and Charles Fay, Ph.d and it explains in detail about discipling a one year old & so on. The book is for 0-6 years old and I find it very helpful.
Like your daughter my son hits and pulls my glasses off my face now he is into pinching! He understands no but tests me and keeps hitting, ect. so I have put him in his crib for time out for one minute (also a time out for me...lol) and it works. Too many people think one is too young for a time out but I disagree and it works for me. Problem is I am also 21 weeks pregnant and sometimes it is just easier to say no and remove him from the situation rather than put him in a time out. It works too but times outs are more effective but you have to be consistent!! I highly recommend getting the book.

Personally at this age I think that you could just use a simple no or that is yucky and redirect. I think one is to young to do any type of time outs. The more you say no and insits he/she listens the more she/he will do it.
I say more near 2 you could do something more.
Good luck

My one year old has been a spitfire since she could get around. When I only say no, she will look at me and continue what she was doing. I say no firmly, take her away from what she is doing, and usually she will collapse and cry. While it is hard to see her crying, I let her cry it out for about a minute, then if she is still crying I will pick her up and comfort her, then give her something else to be interested in.

As far as chewing on the table, she was notorious for that too. I got so tired of saying no, we went to Babies R Us and bought the rubber protectors you can stick on the table so they won't bang their head. She still chews on that, but it is cushy, and won't splinter like the table.

At this age, and for several years to come, any reaction from you is considered a good reaction in your child's eyes. She likes to get your attention and doesn't really care if it is good attention or bad attention. Therefore, rather than reacting by harping on the 'NO!" it is better to simply either quickly remove the object that is causing trouble or remove her from the situation into a more positive one. Say a gentle, "no" as you take the object (or her) away, but then get right back to what you were doing. Try hard to react very little to negative behavior and very much to positive behavior and she will learn to seek your attention by doing the good things rather than the bad. Good luck!

She *is* too young for time outs or discipline of that variety. She will be frustrated upset but not yet understand the connection between the behavior and the punishment.

I know it's a hard age because they are getting into everything and are a bit of a danger to themselves and the things around them. What I found was effective for my daughter (aside from redirection and distraction) was setting up a safe play area in the house (the livingroom) and gating it. This area was open for her to explore without danger or frustration. Beyond that, I would occasionally let her explore into the kitchen where I had minimized the off-limits areas to 2: my sewing cart and the trash. If she touched either of these things I said simply said (gently) "no cart" or "no trash" and removed her back to the livingroom (safe area) and closed the gate. She liked the gate open for more freedom, and after a couple of months she left the 2 areas alone whien exploring in the kitchen.

What was important was that there were only 2 areas to avoid, and that I was gentle and consistant with my response. Moreover, she had a real desire to explore AND please people. This was not nearly as successful with my son who was much more motivated to explore than to please for a longer period of time. I had to be more careful about his environment for longer and redirect, redirect, redirect!

Good luck!

It is never too soon to start disciplining a child. What everyone seems to forget, is that the root meaning behind the word "discipline" is "to teach." When we as parents discipline our children, we are not punishing, or being mean. We are teaching them how to behave in a social world. And the eariler you do it, the easier it will be. My sister-in-law fell into the current trap of buying into the idea that "they're too young to understand" or "wait until they are two because they're still babies." I can't even tell you the behavior problems they are having with their children. What ever you choose to do, consistency is key. Kids pick up on your weaknesses pretty quick. If your daughter knows that if she cries, you cave...guess what is going to happen. This is a very, very tough age. I found having a playpen/pack 'n play handy for safe time outs worked. You might not like it. It might not work for you. You need to experiment until you find something that works. We eventually graduated to the naughty chair. Now she goes to her room when she's being inappropriate. Either way, stay cool, calm (hahahha---that's me laughing at giving that advice! I know it's hard!)and disengage. Toddler's THRIVE on stimulation. Disengage and redirect when appropriate. Good luck. Persistence overcomes resistance!!!!

When my now 4 year old was a young toddler, he too was exploring the world in ways that sometimes needed re-direction. Here's what we found helpful. We tried to only use 'no' for big important stuff (hitting & dangerous behavior like reaching for a hot stove). For other things, we'd say something simple like "gentle touches for kitty" & model petting the cat in a kind of exaggerated way, then have him demonstrate the gentle touch. We tried to tell DS the behavior we did want, rather than just the negative. For behavior that kept showing up, we'd 'practice' the alternative (petting the cat gently, holding hands while crossing the street, etc). This would become kind of game, but worked surprisingly well & still works now. The absolutely most important tool we used, tho, was repetition. repetition. repetition. (Distraction worked really well too, but you've already got that figured out). We didn't (still don't) use time-outs or punishment, just guided his behavior, which sometimes did mean taking him away from the situation. When challenging behaviors kept showing up, we'd re-evaluate what was going on with him & try to determine if there was an underlying cause that we could address. In general, we tried (try) to remember that he wants to please us, & that children are highly motivated to learn social cues & behavior. Good luck!

hi L.
cant wait till sunday to see you all. but Adeline is doing the same thing. I say no she just looks at me and smiles. We have started to ask her what is wrong and have her show us. It works some times. I know we are older but it might work. Time out is a joke to her. let me know what you get may be it will work on Adeline.

Yes, she is too young to understand it's bad for her. It's all about redirection at that age. She is just exploring the very cool-feeling table corners with her mouth, for ex. :) Seriously, all you can do is redirect. The fact that you don't punish her for chewing on the table will not teach her it is okay to eat the table. Just keep redirecting the things you don't want her to do, and make as much as possible okay to do.

I also think No can be drastically overused with little ones. I read toddlers hear it an average of 350 times a day or something. I don't know about you, but I'd be tuning out anything I heard that often. So, telling her what TO DO is a better teaching method as others have said. It this point she is too young to understand what to do.

Yelling generally is just not effective at that age or older. I get that we sometimes can't control our frustration but if yelling is our method of discipline we won't be very effective.

Hi,

It's never too young to discipline a child, but figuring out the best way at that age is tough. Everyone has had great ideas!

I just wanted to add that I heard that children have an attention span of one minute for every year of life. So basically she has a 1 minutes worth of attention. My son cries at the word no, but I know he understands that the behavior was wrong. Yelling should be avoided, though I find I can't help myself sometimes. Definately remove her from the situation. As far as telling her no all the time, try to think of other ways. I work for the YMCA and we are encouraged to avoid the word no. For ex: Instead of "no running", "walking feet please". So you could give her something that she can bite and not the table. "Are your teeth bothering you? Why don't you bite this cold face cloth and see if that helps." Maybe it will even help her use her words as she develops them.

On another note: Try some sign language for words she uses a lot. You can look them up online. It could help ease her frustration. I taught my daughter: no, yes, drink, eat, more, done, please, thank you, sorry. Just enough to help her communicate with me when she didn't have the vocabulary yet.

I hope this helps.
H.

Hi - I have wondered the same thing. My son is 11mths and we started a few months ago with limit setting. I just read that by 10mths you should start dicipline. What I do is say no but I don't leave it at that, I tell him what I want him to do instead. : "No, we don't bite our books, we read them" then I'll read him a story. Or if he swats at one of our dogs : " No, we don't hit our dogs, we are gentle and soft" then I stroke his hand on thier ear softly. It works because he is such a copycat, he copies everything we do...so far so good. Good luck!

Please start now! A mom friend of mine taught me about "time outs" at an early age and I started it at about 10 months. What a change. I take her away from the situation and sit her against the wall (holding her down if I need) and count aloud. I started at 30 seconds and haven't had to go more than that (she's 16 months now). Normally, it gives her a chance to rethink and realize what she can not do. Sometimes, I do it twice in a row, but more often it changes her behavior for the day. Now my husband and I can say "Do you want a Time Out?" and she stops what she is doing. It worked even so young!

I think it's Ok to say no to your child that young, but don't expect her to get it at first. At that age, the best thing to do is to re-direct your child into another activity. If she is biting the coffee table, tell her NO, and move her to another area of the room, give her a toy, basically distract her from the behavior you don't want.

Good luck!!