Is It Rude... - Hicksville,NY

I would never tell either side they were not welcome. I expect adults to be civil - especially if they are there for anything to do with my children.

Anyone who doesn't want to come because other people are there would be welcome to stay at their own home.

It would be rude to NOT invite everyone.

Hosts should not facilitate grudges. When you invite people, you invite all you would like to attend, regardless their feelings toward one another. It is up to them to behave themselves and be good guests, even if they don't like the other attendees.

I love having everyone over. My in laws adored my parents. My mil never liked me. It was never an issue we usually spent every Thanksgiving with both sides. You come across like a very considerate person.

You are the host. You decide who should come. IMO, it is less rude to invite people in than to exclude them because MIL isn't best buddies with your relatives. Who knows? Maybe this year they'll find something to get along over.

And as for the travel time and holidays and whatever, let the grands participate in whatever. I would not tell my mom to back off if it was a special event. The ILs don't own that time any more than my mom does. Sometimes events are one of a kid or one day only and they have to share. You also never know how long this ability will last - my MIL had a stroke and can no longer get out like she used to, so my DD has NO grandparent most of the time for school events. IMO quit worrying about placating the ILs and do what's right for the bulk of the family.

ETA: My sister has ILs that don't like EACH OTHER and she finally said, "You're being stupid. I'm going to invite all of you to x family event and if you don't come, you're putting your own petty interests ahead of this child and punishing the child. Grow up and figure it out." The result is that sometimes her MIL and FIL don't come, or only come for a little while if her DH's aunt and uncle will come. And it's a shame, but the only people that look stupid are the ones who can't manage to be in the same room long enough to sing Happy Birthday to a 3 yr old.

And believe me, as a stepparent I have had my share of "I don't want to be in this room but it's not about me" moments. There's only one second grade spring concert. Only one HS graduation. Sometimes you just have to deal.

If your ILs get bent about you inviting your own family to your own house, it is not about you. Make that your mantra.

No I don't think it's rude. It's your home, you've opened your home for family for the Thanksgiving holiday.

If someone doesn't like your arrangements, they can change plans.

You are under no obligation, in my opinion, to tailor your Judah at your home to cater to someone else's wishes.

You said the family has no issues with each other, just a little difficulty at gatherings. This will give them practice for years to come when they share your children's big events when both sides want to be there.

Best wishes... You are being very thoughtful to think through it like you are.

No, it's not rude. It's about family and you can have your family ALL together if you want to. Your house, your holiday.

Any idea why they don't mix well or is it just a personality thing?

Nope, not rude. You would feel terrible not inviting your side to spend a holiday with you. I can relate though, if it helps. My ILs live in AZ and my parents live 15 mins away. No big blow outs or anything, but the families just don't mix so well, it stresses us out. We tried for so long to make sure they were all happy, and then we realized we were the most unhappy. So now we just invite everyone and their issues are their problem.

I will say I am a little more protective of my mom. My MIL can be a little aggressive and my mom is more insecure, so I do watch out for that. But otherwise it usually ends up just fine. And no one specifically asks us to not invite the other side, but like you- it's sort of 'felt.' Good luck!

they are all adults, L., they need to act like adults. Not including your family would be rude. You are enabling this feud and behavior.

Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate your blessings and your family. I would tell my parents to suck it up and behave (thank God I've never had to do that!!).

You have enabled this behavior by keeping them separate. I do NOT understand the telling your parents NOT to come to the Halloween Parade. I understand that your parents are 15 minutes away and can come anytime they want - but life is short - why should they miss out on an event??

Invite your family. Stop walking on egg shells. Tell everyone to be an adult. Stop enabling the behavior. Stop allowing the feud to go on....

Of course it's not rude. Your MIL has a problem but that doesn't have to be your problem. If she had severe allergies, it would be rude to allow someone to bring their high-shedding dog. But to bring your parents and cousin?

The irony in your MIL's feeling is that Thanksgiving is about being grateful for what you have. So one would hope that she would be so happy that her son married a wonderful woman who is warm, welcoming, and honoring of family. She should be THRILLED that her son's chosen partner is someone who is giving, generous and organized enough to pull this off.

I think it's a terrible shame that your parents couldn't come to a once-a-year event like the Halloween parade! Your in-laws will stay with you, I presume, since they are from out of town, while your parents will return to their house. Your in-laws will be there for breakfast, lunch and dinner, while your parents will give them plenty of special time with the grandchildren. But to require or suggest that they skip Thanksgiving dinner or a parade or a child's concert or graduation? I'd put a stop to that right now and let your MIL deal with her insecurities on her own or with help from your FIL and your husband. There is NO reason to deprive your children of all those pictures of all 4 grandparents in the house, and all the memories, because your MIL hasn't developed the skill of the average 6 year old to be able to share!

I think, if part of the reason the 2 sides don't "mix fantastically" is that your family could be a little more warm, then you can try to urge them to take a little bit of a back seat and maybe drop a compliment or two about how nicely your kids are playing with the other grandparents or how well your IL raised your husband. Beyond that, I wouldn't enable a bunch of people who can't get along without hogging everything to themselves.

I'm with you! It is not rude to "share" a holiday. I think it's kind of rude of them if they expect it. Sounds like you are more than accommodating. Happy Thanksgiving!

I totally hear you. Separate but equal. My parents and my in-laws are from very different worlds. It always adds extra stress when they are in the same room. There's no problem, it's just two different worlds. Luckily, togetherness happens very infrequently due to distance. And I like it that way. But if everyone lived closer, I guess it would just happen more often.

Invite anyone you want.
I don't think you need to inform everyone of your guest list.
Most of these people are adults so I would expect everyone to behave like adults.
I never like getting in the middle of spats/attitudes.
If anyone has issues with anyone else - it's up to THEM to duke it out and settle it (but not at my event) and leave me out of that whole loop.

NO let the whole family be there. Your in-laws may need to build a bridge to get over it.

As long as you keep them separate how can or will they ever get comfortable?

The best thing for you to do is to open your doors, stop issuing out separate times and have fun. How? Play games. There are some excellent games everyone can play children and adults. Games like, :"Say Anything, Taboo, Uno, What's Yours Like, Scrabble, Logo Board Game, Monoploy", etc. Making the setting fun for the adults and the kids can change the holidays.

According to your SWH, the initiating incident happened a long time ago, so it's time to let by-gones be by-gones besides it can teach the children how to get along by setting the example. Games may be a great way to make that happen.

Sounds fine to me, not rude at all.

I'm in the minority. I think if one family sees you so much more and the other is traveling to see you, the traveling family should get extra consideration. It's reasonable you invited your family but I would try to carve out extra time for your inlaws otherwise and perhaps keep the hours your family is over to just dinner or eating time vs the whole day. It's great if families mix but not all do. People can just be different. I'll be bummed if I don't like the families of who my daughters marry and I have to spend every holiday with them vs alternate. Doesn't make me a bad person. And of course there needs to be compromising etc but I'd definitely take their feelings into account. Ironically, something like a Halloween parade seems easier to share. And I guess if they came for the parade, they're not all that far away and do see the kids fairly often. If that's the case, then I'd not feel too bad. Not sure if they only see you guys a few times a year.

It's never rude to be welcoming to all.

It is always rude, as an invited guest, to be cold or impolite or mean to the others who are also welcomed. I say that its the guests' responsibility to realize that everyone is welcome.

So you're not rude. You are welcoming everyone who loves your family and your children to your home.

To be fair, and reasonable, though, it would be fun for your inlaws to have a special occasion with the kids, like a holiday movie, or a cookie-baking marathon or something, with just them (not on the actual day of the Thanksgiving meal). I hope your inlaws won't be just showing up on Thanksgiving morning - they'll be coming ahead of time or staying for the weekend, right? Plan something special for your kids to enjoy their other relatives that they don't get to see very often.

IMHO, when it comes to Thanksgiving, the more the merrier!

Not at all! Your the host, you decide the guest list. Enjoy the holiday!

When you are hosting a holiday meal its your choice on who to invite, I always go by the thought process the more the merrier so yes I would invite members of your family to join in the celebration. You mil is entitled to feel however she wants to feel but in the end you get to make the choices.

Inclusion.
It's a good thing.

I don't see why it would be rude at all. And really, I don't think it was fair to your parents to miss the Halloween parade just because the inlaws are coming. They can each have their special time without missing big moments. Since the in-laws are coming from so far, are they staying with you for a night. If so, then they can take their special time in the evening before bed or the next day. I didn't look to see how old your kids are now but as they get older and involved in things and have events, both sets need to celebrate those times together. It should ALL be about family.

IMO it would have been rude NOT to invite them. They are your family after all.

Your house, your party, invite who ever you want. (Fyi...we have both sides of the family on Christmas and at our Halloween party)

If I understand your situation, there are two concerns.

One concern has been that the folks don't all "appreciate" one another. To me, that does not seem to be anything you need to alter plans around. The more the merrier.

But the other concern seems to be that one set of parents have the ability to see you folks way more often than another. That time enables them to bond separately with each one of you, and with you as a family unit. And I commend you for considering the idea of making some time "just for them". So if you can manage to provide some time for them to be with their son, their grandkids and you, that would be great. For those of us "in-laws" who live far away, it seems we crave time to just "be ourselves" and share simple pleasures with our families. All my best.

Sounds like you are very sweet. It is a dream to have both sides at one holiday. Ignore any minor comments and enjoy. Great for you, hubby and kids!!

Your in laws may be put out, but this is the way the cookie crumbles. I'd ask your mom to try to be as hands off with the grandkids as possible so they get their out-of-town grandparent time. And have them show up shortly before the meal instead of an all day thing. There is no one on the planet who sometimes does not have to accommodate people they would rather not be there, but these thing usually turn out for the better. Hopefully your in-laws will be spending a few nights so they get their special time with you.

Absolutely don't feel guilty. Really and truly, don't. Have them over. Your MIL needs to get over herself.

What you do need to do is make sure you have help with this dinner, whether it's your mom, cousin, or sibs. (I don't know if your MIL will help.) Don't try to do it all by yourself.

You are doing the right thing. There is no other option. Both sides need to be invited. I am also happy that you included the cousin. You are very thoughtful.

Your parents are staying in your home? If so, they will automatically get more time with the kids to sleep with them, eat breakfast, etc.

As for Halloween, you were wrong to not invite your parents.

We never know when a celebration will be the last. Death can happen to our parents unexpectedly.

Although I don't think its rude, I would try to make some extra time for the family that is visiting. Hopefully, they are there all weekend and you can make time that is just for them. Overall, holidays should be more the merrier, but your in laws do also deserve some special time with their son and grandchildren especially since your parents probably get a lot more time being so close. I just think that something that you should keep in mind. It can be very hard to be far from family.

It sounds like it will work out fine...but I think it would have been nice for u to state upfront that your family would be coming to dinner too. I would not like to travel all that way and have hardworking on me

no, you are not rude, it is your house and you are kind to do that!