Is It Post-partum Depression?

Going back to work is not the worst thing in the world, if it makes you happier. A happy mom will make for a happy home.

Hi Charlotte - I know how you feel, having a 10 month old myself and leaving a rising career. Some days are very hard, but deep inside I feel like I made the right choice for myself and family. It probably would be a good idea to speak with a professional. When I ever I feel like I'm the ONLY Mom sitting in her living room floor playing with her baby, I take my daughter to the park on the corner, where there are literally 50 other Moms playing with their little ones. The "last man on earth" feeling goes away immediately. I don't know if you already hang out with other Moms, but it if not, it can be a big help. You're welcome to come to the park with us anytime! Best of luck and hang in there!

Charlotte, I think you are experiencing a bout of depression. Both postpartum and adjusting to the life of a stay at home mom. It's a complete role and identity change! Don't feel guilty at all, this is absolutely normal when you go from working and how life is there to the expectations and needs as a stay at home parent. It's the hardest, loneliest job there is at times. Be sure to talk to you hubby about what you are feeling, and try to identify what he can do to help you. Work less? Pick up some of the house chores? Ask him to never ask "what did you do all day?" kinds of questions...
You could definitely talk to your doctor, especially since you are feeling hopeless. There are also lots of stay at home parenting groups out there to get together with other moms and dads and talk I have found meetup.com to be helpful. Posting this was a great start I'd wager many of us have gone through this to some degree. Most of all, please take care of yourself, as the best thing you can do for your son it take care of his mom :)

Totally normal. Your life has changed a lot in the last number of months and it will take some getting used to. I had a very demanding job and dropped it all when I had our son, who will be three tomorrow. The only advice I can give you is to continue doing what your doing. Get out of the house, see your friends. Exercise worked well for me as well as taking St. John's Wort. But only if your not breast feeding. It's a natural herb and acts as a anti-depressant, but isn't addictive and helps your hormones get back to normal. Give yourself time and don't feel like you have to do all that housework everyday. Get out, it's summer, enjoy that little baby while you can!

Charlotte,

I would suggest that you contact a doctor as soon as possible. It does sound like something that might be helped by medication, but a doctor is in the best position to know. A lot of what you have described, sounds like post-partum, and it's absolutely amazing and wonderful that you have reached out to figure out what to do! That is such an example of how great a mom you are. Take the next step of getting a professional to listen to your experiences and help you start to feel better.

S.
Mom of 6 y.o. and 3 y.o.

Hi Charlotte-
I am sorry you are feeling this way. I am a teacher so I work during the year and then become a SAHM during the summer. My maternity leave was during the winter and I remember feeling very down, especially at night. The switch to being at home is very difficult. When I am at home, it seems as though it takes so long to get anything done. In addition, my appearance is completely different when I am at home! Drying my hair is a rare occurence. It sounds as though you are having a hard time adjusting to being home coupled with some depression. I have had trouble with depression in the past and going to a doctor really helps. Please feel free to contact me if you would like to talk.
Thinking of you-
S.

yes it is. for sure! corey goldstein at rush is incredible. also has office in skokie and i know has free depression program.... look into it or he is worth every penny;###-###-####
get treatment now. by the way--i can totally relate!

Hi Charlotte,
I think it is great that you are reaching out! I had PPD with my 1st child, it was awful. I saw a psychiatrist, for medication, but also I increased contact with my therapist. I initially contacted Evanston Northwestern Hospitals Post Partum Depression hotline, which I am sorry to say I don't have the number, but I think it would be on their website. With my second child as soon as she was born, I got back on the anti depressants and it has helped a lot. I know medication isn't for everyone, but I just wanted to share what worked for me, that with counseling and getting some babysitter help, made life a lot better. Hope this helps, take care of yourself, O.

Hi Charlotte,

I think everything you are feeling is pretty normal. I felt the same way when my son was that age. It does get better & more fun as they become more interactive and start talking. But, it can be really isolating and lonely at the same time. I think it's worth talking to your OB or someone who is listed here to see if it might be PPD though. I have 2 kids now and I still feel that way sometimes!!

Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone...

I went through the same thing. It was so much harder than I ever thought it would be. All I ever wanted to do was be a mommy and couldn't understand why I was feeling the way I was! It is such a huge adjustment, you're life as you knew it has changed forever....and overnight! My first is now 19 months old and my second is 4 months old and I am now feeling like I am settling into this finally. It does get better and do not feel bad, it has nothing to do with your love for your baby. You do need to find time for yourself, even if for just 10 minutes a day, something that is YOU and that YOU enjoy. Forgetting who we are is what seems to happen all to often, for our kids we need to listen to us too.
Good luck.

Trends have shifted from moms being expected to stay at home (1950s) to moms being encouraged to work but still shoulder most of the parenting (1970s) to now, when it seems women are either 1) once again staying at home with the kids or 2) working, but feeling guilty about not staying at home with the kids. I choose a third option: work full-time, and enjoy the rest of the time with my daughter. When I tell people that one of the happiest days of my life was the day I started back to work after being home with my daughter for six months, they usually look at me in horror. I relay how I truly felt / feel because there are too many of us afraid to say motherhood is not a 24/7 joy. Some of us need time with our infants, toddlers, and kids in smaller doses. This does not make us bad people. It makes us self-aware, and is the first step toward finding the best scenario for ourselves and our children. I am indebted to the numerous warm and wonderful people (babysitters, preschool teachers, grandparents, etc.!) who are helping me raise a now six year-old girl. Once I allowed others to help me, I was happier, and my daughter was better off. I wish you success in finding the right balance for you and your family.

Hi Charlotte,
Don't feel guilty for your feelings. It is so hard to be isolated at home with a baby & your feelings are totally normal. I think you should go back to work. If you're conflicted about working, try & find a part time job. Being happy is the #1 priority for being a good mom. I also think that talking to a therapist is a good idea.

Working sounds great! I work and love it -- and I LOVE my child beyond words!!! Please, please find a counselor or psychiatrist right away..

I went through the EXACT. SAME. THING.

Could just be regular depression. I always knew that being a stay-at-home mom wouldn't be great for me, and that was true. I had to return to grad school, but even then I still find staying at home with my kids to be mind-numbing a lot of the time (though it *does* get better once your kid starts talking and interacting more.)

There's nothing to feel guilty about. You have to feed your soul to make yourself -- and your family -- happy. Maybe a part-time job of some kind will help, so you can get the working part to go with your home part.

Again, don't feel guilty. Some people just don't find the stay-at-home thing to be fulfilling enough, and you and I are two of them.

Post partum or not, your note sounds like you are one unhappy woman. Add in hopelessness about being able to change things, and you qualify for the DSM IV criteria of depression.

So, now what do you do?

Well if you think that drugs will work, try them out.

If you think that talking to a therapist will work, try that out.

But, whatever you do, I strongly suggest getting to a place where you feel satisfied and productive and optimistic again.

So, what about depression? Well, it usually comes about when your life situation presents you with stuff that just seems to "throw" you. Sometimes it's subtle stuff, like expectations not being met, and then colliding with beliefs you didn't even know you had, which make themselves known by feelings, rather than by articulated position statements.

Therapy is a series of conversations where you explore your stuff, and then ideally, learn how to self correct your negative thinking...and, yes, it's always negative, or else you wouldn't be feeling hopeless and helpless...
the second thing you can change is your behavior.
So focusing on those two things will bring about change.
If we only could directly change our feelings!

seek out a therapist who fits!

R. Katz, Psy.D.

Charlotte:
I am sorry to hear about your sadness and withdrawal. I also can relate to some of what you are saying. I stopped working when my son was born. The first few months were like the Twighlight Zone. I would look at the clock and think of each hour that still had to go by. I think I had some ppdepression, which seems normal. Also, my husband works long hours, too. My son is now 17 months old. I have to say, the first thing that really helped was having a playgroup that really was like me. I had a set get-together with them each week, just to hang out with the babes and talk. I also believe that in so many ways, your outlook at life changes. So, the friends you had before may not be appropriate after you've had a baby. If they're single, it's even harder. That seems normal. I think being angry (I feel this way) that your husband works so much and that you are doing the bulk of childcare and housework is also normal. However, if you let this stuff stay inside and don't address it, you will have a really hard time. First, I would say, find a bbsitter for moere than just the two hours a week. I had someone for six hours a week, broken into two days, from about five months on. I think you need that! If your husband's working so much, than use the money he makes to take care of yourself and your baby! (It's taken me awhile to feel this way.) I would definitely talk to your doctor. There is no harm in it. You can talk and just see what happens. It doesn't mean you're a bad mom or that you need to change. You just need support. If you find that you want to work, try part-time. Maybe you'll need to lower your expectations of your career, or just try something for awhile. You deserve a chance to try out what works for you! And, this will help you in taking care of your child. It is so hard to be alone. It is so hard to have your partner gone so much. I even limit the classes I take my son to. I will do one a week. I don't want to feel like all of my life is just taking him places. Nor do I want it to be the only social time I have. It's So hard to ask for help. But it sounds like that's what you need to start doing. You need to take care of you.

I hope this helps and isn't too preachy. I am sure you're doing a great job. You wouldn't have asked for help if you weren't aware that you are feeling unhappy.

I would contact Dr. Laura Miller at Univ of Illinois - if you google you will find her contact and go for a consultation. Also if your husband is working long hours you may really feel quite isolated. Staying at home is not for everyone and may be you should think about whether you want to return to the workforce at least part time. I know that I found some aspects of my maternity leave hard because I was so used to working and day after day of being with a little one can be a challenge and it is indeed so very different compared to before where you may have had lots of interests. I used to do lots of handcrafts and was very social but now I find that I am not doing any of that. It doesn't mean you don't love your little boy. But I would definitely go see a professional to tease out what exactly is going on and Dr. Miller is fabulous. She is an expert on PPD but she can also help with any kind of depression/anxiety or other mental health issue.

Hi Charlotte!! The first thing you need to do is stop being so hard on yourself. You are allowed to feel anyway that you want to feel! And feelings must be acknowledged or you risk them backing up on you and exploding at inappropriate times. The key is in how you address those feelings and what you do about them.

I don't know a lot about post-partum depression and how long after giving birth it can still affect you. If you feel like this is possibly the issue, then definitely consult your doctor. What could it hurt? But what I think is really going on is that you are smack dab in the middle of one of the biggest adjustments you've ever had to make in your life. This is bound to cause some emotional reactions!!!

I have been a SAHM to my 2 1/2 year old daughter since the day she was born. And like you, I struggled with the changes that it meant for me. When you become a mother, you experience an identity shift almost immediately. This is a new hat for you to wear! The "MOM" hat. And you've never owned this hat before. You don't even know what outfits it goes with, or where you should wear it. That's enough to figure out right there. But add to this the additional stress of having left your full-time job, and you've got a full-blown identity crisis on your hands!

I wish before I decided to quit working that someone would have warned me about how hard it is to make that identity shift. You don't realize how much of yourself is tied to your work until you give it up. I used to know certain things about myself, things that I lost or forgot once I started staying home. Things I needed to rediscover. When you are out in the world, interacting with people on a daily basis, you are constantly being reaffirmed of things, often non-verbally. You know by the way people talk to you or work with you that your are intellegent, attractive, and good at what you do. When you stay home with your child, baby isn't saying to you "good job today, mom!" You lose that feedback and are reliant primarily on yourself to get it.

The good news is, this shift is possible! It took me almost 2 years before I recognized myself again and felt like I had comfortably become the SAHM I wanted to be. It is a process - give yourself time to adjust. 10 months feels like a long time, by oh my gosh, it is so not! You've only just begun to sort through it all. Along the way, please know that it's normal to wonder if you did the right thing by staying home. And it doesn't make you a bad mother! Also, please know that staying home is not right for every mother either. You can only raise a happy and fulfilled child if you are happy and fulfilled - for some women, that means working, and they are better mothers for it.

Unfortunately, no matter which road you choose, whether you decide to work or stay at home, guilt is an occupational hazard once you become a mother. If you work, you feel guilty for not being there. If you stay home, you feel guilty for not making any money. Or for wishing you were still working. The list goes on. The trick is to recognize that, no matter what, guilt is part of the territory - accept it, minimize it, talk to other mothers and learn what it is they feel guilty about. Soon you'll realize you are not alone! And that what you feel isn't just normal, but is completely ok.

Hang in there and congratulations on joining the club of motherhood! The Peace Corp got it wrong - THIS is the toughest job you'll ever love : )

i personally think that staying at home is a very isolating experience. i went back to work after having two children. i never even took my full maternity leave. after my first child i returned to work after 8 weeks, and 10 weeks after having my second. i loved it. but due to childcare problems i reluctantly left work. like everyone else, you love your children and they truly are a gift, but i think its unrealistic to think that every minute of your day is going to be this fulfilling, special time with your child. b/c real life gets in the way. i just had my third. i don't think i ever really was technically depressed, but i still feel lonely, bored, frustrated and isolated. if you are beginning to withdraw and find it getting harder to make it through the day, it is best to seek professional help. good luck and take care.

Hi Charlotte,

While it definitely wouldn't hurt to talk to a professional, I think what you are feeling is completely normal and you are not alone. I had a successful career and stopped working when my child was 11 months. At first I struggled and struggled with whether I made the right decision but my husband worked long hours with lots of travel and didn't feel it was in the best interest of our child to have both parents gone so much. To be honest I also missed work, the adult interaction and found it was actually easier working full time than it was being a full time mom. But now my son is two and he is a fun companion because his personality is out and he talks, plays, does things for himself and it is just much easier. I find I spend my days laughing where before I just felt stressed and overwhelmed. Also, I have found other SAHM that I hook up with on a regular basis which really helps. I think whether you stay home, you work full time or work part time that you will find pros and cons. You have to find what gives you the most balance and peace because having a happy mom will help to equal a happy baby and a happy family overall.

Good luck and remember you are not alone,
H.

Charlotte:

it might help to talk to a professional..

one that I know is Dale Gody / she is a licensed clinical physhologist..

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P., RLC IBCLC
Breastfeeding and Parenting Solutions

Staying at home can be very isolating, especially when your son is so young. Some Moms are just not totally fulfilled by staying home. Everybody is not cut out for it, and there is no shame in that...NONE. It has nothing to do with how much you love your son, or how much you want the best for him. Is it possible to work part time? Take a class 1 or 2 days a week? Something where adults are the focus. A way to give you a community that is all your own. Even if its a knitting or scrapbooking group. Anything you may be interested in. Book Club, whatever.
If you continue to feel this way, it does your son no favors for you to continue staying home full time, you may grow to resent it. I work full time, but its 2 24 hour shifts so I am with my kids most of the time. I know I am not cut out for staying home full time, but I also know I love nothing more than my family.
I doubt its depression because you are trying so hard to get out of the funk. That is not typical of somebody with a chemical imbalance.
Everything does not always turn out how you envisioned. Seriously re-evaluate if you are cut out for this. Don't feel guilty, you have to take care of you to take care of them.
Good luck, and reach out if you need more help.