I Became a Monster..

a couple of things:

depressive mood and morbid thoughts one year after the birth is a STRONG indication of clinical depression. usually "baby-blues" resolves after a few weeks. PPD and PPpsychosis, usually are persistent; and begin to affect mood, relationships, et al.

i'd STONGLY advise you to speak with a mental health professional. unfortunately many women only speak with their OBs about their pregnancy-related moods; who are unfortunately, NOT PSYCHIATRISTS.

please get some help... general apathy and misdirected "anger" and moodiness without appropriate triggers read like some depressive symptoms.

good luck.

It really does sound like depression, post-partum or otherwise. It's definitely time to have another evaluation. I've been through what you're going through. It's awful and I hope you get the help you need.

Updated

It really does sound like depression, post-partum or otherwise. It's definitely time to have another evaluation. I've been through what you're going through. It's awful and I hope you get the help you need.

I would see a doctor and ask them about depression. I would bet money that you are depressed-maybe not postpartum, but you are depressed. There are tons of options out there- get some help. You will feel better!!!

M

I wasn't going to respond because I agree with everyone else about the depression part...but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that sometimes hearing you're "depressed" is only as useful as getting you into see a doctor. And many doctors aren't clinically trained beyond prescribing, which helps in some ways, but not in others.

The recommendation to see a therapist is a great one because I sort of think you need social connection most. It sounds like you don't have anyone in your life except for your spouse and son. And to be honest, even if you don't feel like being around others, it might actually help give you a 'break' from whatever thoughts and feelings seem to be dominating your life experience thus far.

Your son is a year old now and maybe finding a play group to take him to will not only provide him with important social interactions, but will also afford you social interactions that force you to interrupt what seems to have become a form of rumination of sorts.

Exercise is helpful in terms of making your biological chemicals influence mood, and prescriptions and evaluation can also address the biological influences.

I think the Peg M. had a great idea to explore what your needs are? It sounds like you are in a new city with very few social connections. In a way, it's a fresh start...clean slate? What are some things you've always wanted to have time to do but never did? If energy is getting in your way, maybe start small by cruising the internet on topics of interest that can be found in your new city? Maybe there's a group of people with similar interests you can connect with on the same level?

I know that when I felt depressed, the last thing I wanted to do was be around others and I couldn't feel desire to do much of anything. I lost the ability to 'enjoy' things that I once truly loved doing. So I didn't do them for me...because doing something for myself is way harder than doing it for my son! But I really wanted my son to love life and be an active participant in his life. And the more I thought about it the more I realized I was his introduction to the world and if I didn't enjoy life or myself or others, how the heck was I going to instill this in him? So I made myself go to groups I didn't want to go to and made myself go for walks with him when I really really really didn't want to. I "faked" it. And to my surprise, after a few months, I caught myself smiling in a genuine way and making plans with new friends with genuine happy anticipation.

My life looks nothing like it used to a year ago and I think that was part of my problem...new identity, new friends I didn't know very well, and the new role of mama. It was all so unknown to me that it was scary and I wanted to keep to myself. But as I started to form a new identity, incorporating elements of my past self that I truly wanted to keep, I began to realize I could do this and even like life in ways I never dreamed possible.

There are ups and downs in life, and I'm sure I'll have down times again, but I guess I wanted to share my experience in case it was helpful. For me, staying trapped in my head wasn't helpful, though most desirable for sure! What helped most was therapy and forcing myself to form social connections...and darn it, it worked.

Best of luck to you and please know that it can get with time, patience, willingness to switch up your routine, and most of all with some compassion for yourself. Just because you feel bad doesn't mean you are bad and just because you feel stuck doesn't me you will stay stuck. Just pay attention to your needs and recognize by doing so, you are also taking care of your sons needs because a happy mama makes a happy baby:)

First off, postpartum can trigger long term depression, so don't discount a chemical component to your feelings. Medication early helped me with my depression and I urge you to talk to your doctor about finding one that is compatible with your body.

I too felt like I was trapped and that I couldn't change the way I was - I would yell at my hubby, "Don't you think if I could change the way I am behaving I would?" Meds helped clear my head so that I could work on my deeper issues.

Secondly; prayer, meditation, positive thinking, mantra's - they ALL will help and they do work! Practice your attitude of gratitude. Force yourself to smile (it will trigger your brain). You may not have "chemical depression" and in that case you will have to DECIDE to feel better. Remember you cannot choose what other's do, but you CAN choose how you react to it. If church was a haven for you, go back, even if you don't want to and have to drag yourself there the first couple of times. Make the effort to connect with others, in a grocery line, in church, at the park.....the point is to decide that only you have the power to change you and then act on your better thoughts instead of your negative ones.

I have been where you are so I really understand - private email me if you wish. Love, L.

Krys, it is so NOT helpful for anyone to label themselves, their spouses, their children. (Even "positive" labels are inadequate, because nothing is ever all positive or all negative.) You might get much farther thinking about your situation in terms of how well it meets, or fails to meet your needs. This requires thinking clearly about your needs, of course, which is a valuable exercise in itself.

So, you feel lacking in compassion for others? That suggests to me that your own need for compassion isn't being adequately met. What might that look like for you? Where might you get that need met better? It's not usually realistic for our spouses to be the sole source of that support. So, would it be possible for you to start building your own community of friends?

If that's just sounds like way too much effort for you right now, you are very possibly depressed. You don't have to be so depressed you can't get out of bed to be signficantly affected. For your son's sake, check this out. Children of depressed mothers tend to be more at risk for a whole range of problems of their own. Please google "children of depressed parents" to learn how this can affect your beautiful son's future behavior and even physical health.

And then take steps to make sure this won't happen. Sometimes the things we care about are exactly what will help us take care of ourselves.

Oh my gosh! You sound EXACTLY like what I went through after giving birth to my son. I turned into this horrible, unappreciative, angry, depressed person. I FINALLY went to my doctor after my sister (who is a therpist) urged me to. It was obvious I had post partum depression and my doctor prescribed zoloft for me. I'm a person who doesnt particularly like taking medication but when it's necessary, it's necessary. I started taking the zoloft and instantly felt better. It's like I have my old self back. You may want to give it a shot. We moms have so much on our plate. There's nothing wrong with getting a little help once in a while.
Good luck!

....being pregnant and having a child... takes SOOOOOOOO much out of a woman.... we give so much.... to our child... and sometimes, inadvertently... we then shut-down... and "cannot" give ourselves out to any more things/people/situations etc., and then sort of "resent' it.... when a person give so much.... (any maybe not getting anything in return, for ourselves or our souls).... we can basically become "cold" and not able to then... give and give and give... to others... anymore. The person, shuts-down.
And sometimes.... people get that way... because, once we have a child/baby.... we "lose" ourselves... and become so.... angry about it internally... because we lost our sense of self....

Maybe that's it???

Sounds like plain o'regular depression to me. Put your boy in the stroller and take some vigorous walks, breathe deep.... the holiday air smells so good. Exercise is the main combatent for depression. I would try that before going on chemicals. If having pets is too much for you right now call up the spca and let them know of your problem and that you wold like your dogs adopted out. OR, really think logically about all of this and try to persuade yourself to come out of your SELFish mode, you arent doing anyone any good especially your child and your husband that are having to look at you like this every day. There is no magic fix. You make a choice when you get up in the morning, you can either be happy to be alive and feel blessed with another new day or you can put a negative spin on it and hate everything.
If you cant pull up on your own, please go see your doc, don't waste time being down, life is just way too short for that.
Pray, laugh, love. or Sigh, cry, hate. Which sounds more appealing and healthy to you?

Just for curiosity have you had your thyroid checked. I kind of acted like you before I got my thyroid checked out. It turned out that I have hypothyroidism. I hope you get back to normal soon!

First of all- you are not a monster. I am going against the grain and tell you that you are probably not depressed- your priorities have just changed. I think people on this site as SO quick to tell you're depressed. I have two cats and a dog, and I used to be doting with them, now they are on their own! lol I have zero tolerance now for any kind of annoying animal behavior. I even had to put my beloved cat outside because he was driving me crazy. I have my hands full! I also donated quite a bit myself, but I just don't have a lot of time being a full time working mom. I will donate $$ from time to time, but not as much as before. As my son has gotten old, I have gotten more into my former spirit, but I just had a baby girl, and I find my attitude returning. I think it's just a phase that will pass. You have a baby and you are tired- cut yourself some slack. I think almost all moms can all relate to that.

I got to that place but I didn't deal with it. When my son was about 18 months my husband finally said GO GET HELP! He'd already said it about 1000 times but this time he said if I didn't get help he didn't know how we were going make it work. I was bad.....total apathy, didn't talk to my family, was really nasty to my MIL about stupid stuff, never had any interest in my husband. I didn't even want to be near him at all. I had really put myself into an invisible box. After trying a few different medications I found a combo that works and the difference it's made can't be calculated. I have literally 'turned back into' myself. After getting my head on strait I can look back on that time and realize what a horrible time it was. I suffer from clinical depression and have taken medication for years. I take the same thing every day morning and night. I don't take a bunch of pills all day or feel like I'm in a cloud. Depression is not the same thing as sad or stressed. You are sad when you lose a family member. You are stressed if you're trying to juggle your family life. Sadness and stress are acute. Depression is different. Many people recommend exercise and improving diet if you're dealing with depression. I have tried that and it doesn't work for me. I'm just really good looking with sexy arms that no one will see because I'm hiding on my couch. What ever you try get your family involved!! Talk to your husband. Tell him what you're feeling (not about him). It sounds like you are happy with your life but you're still unhappy. That's a hard one for husbands to get. Tell him that you're going to actively tackle this problem and you need his help to make sure you're making progress. It's not an overnight thing. If you do go the medication route go ahead and see a real psychiatrist. They are specialists and are usually more knowledgable about the treatments. That's what they do so they have a good working knowledge of the way patients react to different medications. A lot of people think that you'll have to sit on a couch and tell all of the darkest things you've ever experienced. In fact most don't do talk therapy. He will actually refer you to a psychologist if you decide to try talk therapy.
I go to my obgyn for all things female. I go to a dentist for my teeth. I have a chiropractor for my back. It only makes sense to go to a physician that specializes in dealing with mental issues like depression. For most people depression isn't forever and it's really important to know that PPD doesn't always show up right after baby is born. My son was 9 months old when it began. I'd stopped breastfeeding around that time so my hormones were goofy. Once the hormones rebounded I was in good shape. Don't waste your time!! If I could do anything over again I'd have gone to the doctor a lot sooner. There was so much I missed while I was depressed. I don't have memories of my son laughing and playing. When I see a cute happy one year old I have to ask my husband if my son was like that because I can't really remember much happy stuff from my 'depression cloud'. It makes me sad sometimes. I enjoy every moment (almost!) with my son.

Krys,
It's amazing how much stress and fatigue can affect us. I don't know if you might have anything clinical going on, and you should probably check that out. But, during periods of extreme stress and lack of sleep, I have seen my own attitude struggle and I had NO patience with anything non-critical to my children. When circumstances improved, I could tell a difference in the amount "stuff I did and said" that wasn't characteristic of me or who I want me to be. But, even with that, the cycle can be hard to break out of.
It sounds to me like you need to work with your husband to make some changes in your daily life so that you can have time with friends, other adults, or to do nothing without any guilt. And having a goal or personal focus outside of just your son might help. I know it is hard to take any time away from you child(ren), but sometimes that is exactly what is best for them too.
Anyway, best wishes to you. I hope you are successful in being pro-active in making some changes and that you start to return back to feeling like that awesome person that you are.

Hey Krys,
It definitely sounds like a hormone imbalance I would suspect that you are low on progesterone, that's the hormone that makes women nurturers. You can go to your ob/gyn to get a hormone panel done and if you are low they can give you a prescription that will bring relief in just a few days. I definitely know what you are experiencing. I had to give my birds to my parents because they were just too much for me to handle. They are now in a great home with two people who love to play with them all the time.

It could be postpartum depression, even a year later, or it could be medical. As soon as my daughter was born my thyroid went completely out of whack, only I didn't realize it until she was almost two. I also felt some of the things you're feeling along with some physical symptoms that didn't show up for almost two years, which is why I didn't realize what was wrong and just thought I was having "baby blues". Talk to your doc. What you are feeling isn't normal. Well, what I mean is it's common but you don't have to keep feeling like that. It could be a hormone imbalance, thyroid, or something else that's easily treatable. Don't worry, it will get better. Good luck and call your doctor and make an appt. just in case.

See if you can get some therapy through your insurance. It might really help to talk/cry/ think this out with someone and get their advice and if you don't click, look for someone else. Motherhood really does a number on a person. Eventually you will find yourself again, but it might not be the old you, it might be a brand new you. Be kind to yourself in the mean time. Try and get enough sleep, exercise and healthy food. Good luck with your journey.

It sounds like you have post partum depression! Go to a doctor and get evaluated immediately. Please. It doesn't matter if he is a year old. The symptoms started long before now.
I do think the thing with your dogs is normal. I can't stand having my dogs around since my son was born. I hope it goes away.
I do agree you should get a thyroid test done too.

Don't lock up yet. I found out 8 years ago that I was bipolar and just thought I was a b$*&%! It was amazing what the medication did. I have a 5 year old son and we are just fine. Go get checked for depression at least.

Krys, it sounds like post-partum depression, to me, and you can have it for two yrs after giving birth. You already work-out and get out for playdates so go talk to your OB/Gyn because they are pretty dialed into that sort of thing and can make some helpful recommendations. I know a lot of people on the board are saying don't take meds, do this instead, but you need to work it out for yourself. Good luck.

Get a full thyroid panel and hormone panel done. Find a practitioner who has worked with hormones in women. I have a friend whose hair was falling out, she couldn't sleep, and had all sorts of issues. She went to 6 doctors before she found someone to help her. The first 5 docs told her her labs were normal. You recognize something isn't right, it may be depression or something else but don't ignore it because it seems as if you are genuinely seeking help. Don't stop seeking until you get help.

You did not mention how long ago you had your son, but I think you need to be evaluated for possible PPD, or other hormonal/endocrine imbalance (thyroid, etc.) Because it does not sound like anger or bitterness to me, but depression, and not being able to enjoy and appreciate things like you used to. Please call your doctor and make an appointment.

ADD: Just took a quick glance at some of your other posts - WOW! You sound like you have not been happy in some time. You've had issues with your husband, you've described him as short-tempered, not helping enough, you are not enjoying your time at home, etc. I would still talk to your doctor about depression and/or hormonal/endocrine imbalance, but are you or would you consider seeing a counselor/therapist as well?

These are all signs of a deepening depression. Many, many of us have been there so it's nothing to be embarrassed about, but you did just name more than half of the classic symptoms. You should get help. Antidepressants if you ask me, but talk therapy could also help. All of these things in your life that you are turning your back on (your dog, your church, your family, volunteering, etc), those things that in a normally, happily functioning brain, would bring you even more joy now with the existence of a child. So that you don't want anything to do with them all, is very alarming. I'm not saying it's your child that's making you unhappy of course, but something has slowed you down and you need to pick yourself back up and get back to all those things in your life that used to make you a happy, fulfilled person. Sometimes we all just need a little help. Do it for yourself and for your son and husband. All the best.

wow, depression, drugs, get help....just an alternative thought, maybe you just need to change something in your life, help yourself. it sounds like you already know you are not being the best "you" you can be, so why spend a ton of money on a therapist or put yourself on drugs, without even trying to deal with this yourself? what if it's something simple? you know, it's a myth that all mothers are happiest being sahm's. many of us are meant to do other things as well. i think i would feel like you if i was at home with my son all day - useless, lonely, bored. boredom is a sign of depression and depression is simply a perception that some need or other is not being met. not saying many women aren't fantastic at it but staying at home is SO not me. it may not be your calling either. maybe you should think about a part time job, even if it only gets you out of the house and pays for someone to watch your baby for a few hours a day. just a thought...

I think I've met you one 1000 times on different playgrounds all over LA..so many moms seem crabby and mean..i always thought when i became a mom that i was going to meet all these sweet lovely moms..nope..A lot seem really miserable..perhaps you're isolating your feelings to only your son and husband..only treating them well and just instinctively feel they're all that matter? I would seek therapy if its really bothering you..I also used to do animal rescue and then for a couple years quit..now my son is 4..and i recently rescued 2 chihuahua brothers..1 year each..we already have a chihuahua and some cats..they really aren't a burden to me at all but when my son was younger it was more chores for me to do..
maybe when your son gets older you'll lighten up...do you exercise at all? exercise might help you ..makes me happy..lots of gyms have daycare's ..i go to Equinox..i also run..used to run in Elysian Park pushing my son in the stroller also around the Silverlake Reservoir..getting out and being active makes people happier..don't let a doc put you on meds..i think this is a phase..some sort of instinctual thing ...and once you get a handle on it and want to change you will..in the meantime..seek some therapy and exercise xo

D.

Are you still taking vitamins? If not please start again asap. You could even start taking the prenatals again because they have just about everything that you need to help your body get back to normal after having a child. Also from what I have been told if post partum goes untreated, it can last up to a year and a half after having a child if not longer. Combine that with your circumstances right now (no friends, isolation...) & it prolongs it. Join some Mommy groups on Meetup.com, start going to Church again & try to reconnect there. It will get better!

God Bless!

glad you worked it out I wanted to add that it is hard when you are a SAHM bc you do feel lonely, even if you have a few mom friends to vent to. you are home w/ a LO all the time (well not all the time but most) and you just see all the things 'wrong' w/ your house and you think why am I not better at the cooking, cleaning, teaching my kid blah blah. I think it will help if you join a moms group or some story times for the LO stuff like that. but you are not alone in feeling a bit depressed I think, at least I am told by my SAHM friends, that it is a bit common! xo good luck. ps check meetup.com for play groups to meet moms!

post partum depression

Oh gosh. A certain amount of what you describe is normal. It is an instinctive reaction that nature inspires in mamas. It tells us to focus all our emotional and physical energy on the vulnerable newborn. If you are not distracted by your pets, by volunteering, by other children, then your infant will be the recipient of all your care.

But if you are feeling ready to ease that focus now that your child is 1 and you are having trouble taking that next step, certainly it is OK to seek help. Talk to friends, get a referral from your OB, talk to your pastor.

And for the record, of course this could be due to at least in part, to post-partum changes.

Postpartum depression is caused by the massive hormone shift... and it can last YEARS if not treated. But can be treated in as little as a few weeks to a few months, although some take longer. Go in honey. You say this started the day you brought your son home and has continued unabated ever since. That's your clock. Started right after kiddo was born... which is postpartum... and classic signs of depression:

- losing interest in things that used to bring you joy/ things you used to enjoy
- attitude shift (bitter & cold instead of sweet & warm)
- mood swings
- distancing yourself (whatever, not caring)
- etc.

Yah, honey. Go in. Yesterday.

See what happens if you approach things to get support as if you did have post partum depression. I'm not sure I had ppd, but something was definitely up after my second was born. I was able to do acupuncture and some good therapy for a little bit and get out of the funk. I knew something wasn't right, but it wasn't until the baby was over a year old that one of my dearest friends who has dealt with long time big time depression said, "I think you're depressed" that I felt like I could find the edges of the thing to do something about it. Take care of yourself!

It sounds like you have withdrawn from the norms and settled your focus on caring for your son. Perhaps you're on to something when you said, you've lost yourself and need to be found. You could be overwhelmed with the lifestyle change and suppressing resentment of some sort. It's healthy to be honest with self and I'm sure a discerning spirt will show you to truth.

depression
:0) Hang in there. You are taking care of your son which is your number 1 duty right now.

Symptoms of postpartum can linger. Please get help.

I went through something similar when my son was about a year old. I didn't know what was wrong with me - I loved my son, but I just wasn't happy, ever. I didn't attribute it to hormones or PPD because, I figured, my son was a year old so surely the time for PPD/hormone issues had past. Now I don't think that's true. Your body is still going through changes, even a year into motherhood - especially if you're nursing (not sure if you are). I spent months just feeling lousy. I snapped at or avoided my husband all the time...I didn't really do anything...I loved my son, but I felt trapped and lost in the state of motherhood...I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore and that everytime about me had just blown away. Simply put, it really REALLY sucked!
I did not get help and I started to feel better on my own as my son got older. However, I am not necessarily recommending that you do nothing. Mention this to your doctor. It couldn't hurt. I kind of wish I had - maybe I could have bounced back earlier with some help.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. Becoming a parent is unbelievably hard. My son is almost 2 and I've only recently started feeling like shade of myself again. For what it's worth, you are not alone.
Again, I'd mention it to your doctor. It couldn't hurt, and there's no sense in being unhappy if there is a solution. Good luck!

It sounds like it could be a form of depression. Withdrawing from things you're interested in, feeling disconnected, negative outlook. I suggest talking to your doctor. Have him run a blood screen check the usual suspects -- iron, thyroid, any of those being off can play havoc on your personality too.

If it is depression and just mild, adding something like excercise to your day can help -- release those positive edorphines and get you all pumped up. Maybe start by simply taking your son out in his stroller and pushing him around the neighborhood for a walk. Fresh air, sunlilght, and exercise are an easy way to start and see if that helps refresh you.

Are you getting time for you? Even loving your kid to pieces - every Mom needs a break. We're not one demensional, we're Moms, wives, friends, lovers, etc. Make sure you're getting time to be yourself kid-free. Have a few girls nights, or a date night with hubby, some alone time for a pedicure or massage.. whatever it is that helps you relax and remember who YOU are.

Hope that helps, sorry you're feeling this way.

Hey Krys!
Maybe you just need a friend or 2.
Facebook me!
www.facebook.com/KellyBundysEvilTwin
~A.

Hi Krys.
I'm the mama of 13... and with some babies had "baby blues", others postpartum depression, and (fortunately) only ONE bout of postpartum psychosis (just the SCARIEST thing on the planet to go through, but you're not scared until you get WELL again). Then I've had those babies that I was just plain tired after ;)

My non-professional opinion is that you sound somewhere between the latter two in an extended version. It sounds like you were a woman who was naturally nurturing before your son came. Your brain made the NATURAL move "inspired" by the washing of your brain of the hormones that allow for bonding with your baby. Sounds like you got an overdose.

The GREAT thing is that you recognize this change, and have pinpointed numerous examples. If I were in your shoes, I would be getting to your OBGYN asap. She can help you review these extensive changes in your personality and guide you to the next step.

If she CAN'T or DOESN'T do this, I wouldn't stop there...WOULD NOT. I would consider getting a referral to an endocrinologist and find a therapist. Not necessarily in that order.

You have made massive changes that are in the opposite direction of what usually happens when a woman has a child. I've experienced this sort of thing myself and know that waiting it out was not the answer. I needed to get "me" back... and so do you. While you are a new you now that you have a new role in life as a mother; our new roles should fulfill our old... unless our families or church were an unhealthy environment... that's the only thing that would make that make sense.

One other thing to consider, your vitamin D level. There has been some MAJOR research done about this, and it's been found that people who are depleted of D run into all sorts of difficulties. Testing ranges from $40 to $400, and insurance covers my testing. Getting D3 in my daily regimen has made ALL the difference for me. D3 in my life has been GOLD. Check with your doctor.
Good luck!

It could still be postpartum depression, so don't rule it out. It may express itself differently in different people, and this overall sense of detachment and negativity could be the way it is expressed in you. I would talk to a health professional and consider counseling and/or medication. If you are nursing most of the SSRI's are safe to take. I waited too long to get help after I had my daughter and I regret that year of walking through life like a stranger to myself. Life is too short and too sweet. Hope you feel better.

I agree that a year is not too long from birth to have PPD. Ask your doctor.