Is It Possible to Help a Hoarding Step-sister?

She's got to admit she has a problem, want to do something about it and be willing to change her habits.
Until then there's nothing you can do to help her.

If everything is neat and orderly, why are you trying to upset the balance? Unless she is creating fire hazard or an inability for rescue workers to get to her? I'd leave her alone.

You can't help someone who doesn't want help.

P.,

She can only be helped if she wants help. you can't make her change and you can't force her to change.

If you've ever watched the show "Hoarding - Buried Alive" you will see the people are FINALLY at the stage that they know there is a problem and need help. And even then it's REALLY hard.

You can be there to support her. But you can't force it or make it happen.

Good luck!

I am not understanding how you go from what looks like hoarding to anxiety. I am sure she has had a less than perfect life but that doesn't mean she has anxiety from her dad getting rid of her stuff. We can play maken Bacon with anyone's life and say well you do this because of that because they appear connected, but they aren't.

I am not saying you are wrong but you have no idea if you are right either You don't even describe anything unhealthy other than if she is collecting stuff for an unhealthy reason.

I mean how would you feel if you just want help sorting through stuff and getting rid of stuff you don't really need and you are greeted with I think you have anxiety you need to see a doctor. I can't imagine that would go over well. So I am saying how about you go there with your ears open and listen to what she needs and going with that instead of figuring out what you think she needs and pushing her in that direction.

Okay, after reading the other answers I feel I have to point out you described my husband. He has nothing mentally wrong with him. He just sees value in stuff and keeps it. He designed his own brewing system, fully automated, he has been collecting control panels from work for the past year, I have 10 of them stashed around this house. Makes me nuts but in his mind his friends may want him to build a system and you cannot get the panels easily.

We have a broken lamp from his old house in our garage that I will never let him bring into the house. Never ever ever, yet he can't get rid of it because you never know when we will need a lamp. It isn't mental illness. Of course one day he is going to come home to find out the neighborhood kids must have stolen his lamp!! Yeah, that one, I hate that much.

If she's not sure she has a problem, can you help give her a nudge by talking to her about it? And, if the conversation goes ok, while you are at it, offer to help her find a therapist?

From what I've heard, sometimes the hardest part is not admitting to a friend that there is a problem. Picking up the phone and calling a therapist (and then, when the first one doesn't take your insurance/isn't accepting new patients/etc calling another office, and another and another, until you find someone who seems like a good fit who can actually take you) is the hardest part. With her permission, you could do this hard part for her.

She has a lot on her plate. She is going to have to want help. I think the best thing you can do is love her where she is. When a person knows they are loved and supported unconditionally it's usually easier to listen to suggestions.

I have a friend who lost her mother recently. I've helped her through a lot of stuff. I would tell her how much counseling helped me and that I wished she would consider possibly looking into it. 2-3 months later she did. It has been the best thing eve for my friend and she thanks me all the time for encouraging her to get help.

Love her first, support her. Gently suggest. Even tell her your concerned about her well being as she walks through this time with her dad.

Glad she has you.

Instead of focusing on "you need to get help for hoarding" what about "you are going through so much dealing with your dad - his personality + his declining health, do you think it might be beneficial to talk it out with a professional?" That might come across as more sympathetic than accusatory and maybe she will respond better? If not, then I would wait until her father passes, go visit her for a week or so, help with funeral, etc. then try to sit down and talk one-on-one afterwards. Seems like this is probably not the best time for her to take on turning her life upside down given what she's dealing with.

You can be there to support her. You cannot make her change. Her hoarding might have started after her parents (father) tossed all of her possessions. She felt displaced with nothing so when she got items back she kept them even after they were no longer usable. Marrying someone like her dad didn't help her either but that's another story for another day.

Therapy would get great if you can get her to go to help her but don't count on it.

I am sorry for the decline in your dad's health. Do remember to take care of yourself like the airline stewardess you first and then the others.

Cyber hug to you.

the other S.

I agree with Suzanne. I was going to suggest the same thing.

When she comes to you or you're having a talk about things, and if she mentions things are hard (losing father, etc.) a helpful and kind thing to say is "I understand. I have found it really helpful to talk to a therapist if ever you want information on that."

ETA: I meant to write more but got called away to do a kid thing.
My sister is bi-polar. Sometimes she goes off her meds. There's a way to bring up concern without sounding preachy and not to insult.

My mom does it really well. When my sister appears to be overwhelmed with life, my mom will gently say "Do you think you'd feel better if you talked to your doctor?".

She puts it in the way of a question. What would make you feel better - kind of thing. Then offers support.

So my way with my sister is more - I can relate, you know what helped me - and my mom's is - what do you think would be helpful, and I'll be behind you.

Either way - the person has to come to you to share their stress or upset. I've never approached my sister and said you know, you seem off. Or hinted that there's a problem. I'd be on guard if someone did that to me.

Really - just approach her as you would want to be approached.

therapy. help her find a good therapist to help her work thru he anxiety and possible hoarding

I think people keep things for various reasons. My mom has always had a "full" house but when her only sibling and both parents died in 2000, she ended up with ALL their stuff...and she literally kept most of it. Her 4 bedroom house was lined with bookcases and bookshelves and they were CRAMMED full. So it was "organized" and easy enough to take care of because they were on shelves and/or behind glass doors.

So *I* learned this from her as I was an only child raised in her home. I had a TON of stuff. I thought that was normal. "Heavily furnished and decorated" easily described my homes. It wasn't until I met my now husband who likes as little as possible, did I learn that it was actually very stressful to live in a house like that. After I would spend the weekend at his house then go to my moms house, I literally could FEEL how oppressing it was! I had never noticed it before but it sure opened my eyes.

Over the last almost 9 years we have been together, I have been "downsizing". I hit it really hard this last year and now that it's 110+ every day in AZ, I have stopped for the summer. I do plan on having the garage done this winter and finalizing the house. It has been AMAZING and freeing and so great to do this! Even the kids are in on it and my 16 yo now says she is going to live a "minimalist" lifestyle. LOL

My point in sharing this is YOU can do NOTHING to get her to change. Whatever her mental issues are, she LIKES to live the way she is. You said there's no bugs or trash and it's organized so frankly, why do you care? Is it because you are judging her because she doesn't live up to your standards or what you believe to be everyone else's standards? You think she should fit into what YOU believe is "normal"? I think you need to let all that go and frankly mind your own business. IF she ASKS you to help her then maybe offer her suggestions and/or counseling but nothing else. It simply isn't your place even tho you feel like you have an opinion, it's just YOUR opinion, just as this is mine. Good luck.

Why do you feel the need to "help" her if the stuff isn't actually causing problems? Because all the stuff seems abnormal to you?

The stuff makes her happy, she likely needs the security as she's going through dealing with her dad's impending death, and it's not causing problems.

The stuff is not the reason she needs therapy. It might by a symptom, but it's not the cause. I'd stop obsessing over the stuff and continue to be as loving and supportive of her as possible. I might still encourage her to seek a good counselor to help her through some of the hard things she's dealing with, but that's it. Leave the rest of it alone to work itself out.

The fact that her family already got rid of stuff without her permission once will make her recovery harder. Hoarding is most often a type of anxiety disorder, she will need a counselor who specialized in anxiety disorders who has experience with hoarders. It can be a long hard road to recovery and she will need long term assistance.

My SIL is the same way. She moved into my FIL's house after he passed away. The house is huge and she's filled it all up with her stuff from her old house. It would have been a great opportunity for her to get rid of things when she moved...she even said she was going to (her realtor was very frank with her that she had to get stuff out to sell her old house).
But...her house now is packed to the gills..she moved in tons of metal shelves in the basement to pile everything up high.
Forget it. It will be there until she passes away and her poor kids will have a nightmare on their hands. Sad but true...she still buys more stuff even now.

Counseling. Usually these disorders have a lot to do with a need to control some part of life when the rest is out of control. I would think asking her to do anything while her father is dying is going to be fruitless.

I'm concerned that I'm going to come off flippant here but one man's trash is another man's treasure. The DSM-V usually emphasizes that a mental disorder, among various other things, is a possibility if the behavior interferes with a person's general functioning. For example, if it causes things like the end of a relationship or the loss of a job. Based on what I read, it doesn't sound like her behavior is impairing her daily functioning.

I would encourage you, because she is dear to you, to have a conversation addressing your concerns. And if you decide to do so, make sure you listen as carefully as you speak to her when you express yourself. Make sure she feels you are coming from a place of love and not judgment. She clearly has a lot on her plate right now and needs support and empathy.

If, after you keep an eye on things for awhile, you do see that this behavior is interfering with her daily functioning, if she starts to withdraw, shows signs of depression or increased anxiety, then that's a whole other conversation and it can be built on the foundation of this one you can have during your visit. I wish you both blessings and luck. S.

Like Julie S. I am wondering how you go from what looks like hoarding to anxiety, and to OCD or OCPD? She's being diagnosed with serious disorders by strangers because someone says she has a lot of material things stacked in her home. Please consider that some people want the things they have and that others find the chore of going through and discarding things a daunting-time consuming job that gets put off. Not everyone that has a lot of things have mental issues.

She has to want to do it, from everything I've read, and also from the few friends and acquaintances I have had who were definitely hoarders. One lady was so angry at friends who tried to "help" tthat she grabbed the trash bags from outside and brought them all back into the house. They were full of magazines, newspapers, dime store "stuff", etc. She left the house this way, knowing full well that her poor sister would have to clean this up after she died. It has taken her 2 years to get her house ready to sell. And she had to pay the rent herself the entire time, while searching for legal papers, etc. There was no money for this from the woman's estate. Her sister has had to shoulder the burden. It has been devastating to her marriage and her health having to go through this.

Honestly, it will get worse when father dies. It will be what "fills the void" with him gone. The best thing you could do is ask her to get together important papers and make sure that they are in a place that can be found. If only this had been done before this woman died. She didn't even tell her sister that she didn't have life insurance. :(

A hoarder can only be helped by treatment, it is a mental health condition and not a matter of being sloppy, so cleaning out her stuff or teaching her how to clean up is not going to help. It would be good if her family members urged her to seek out a qualified therapist. Good luck!