I have heard good and bad things about telling a child that they are perfect. Just need to hear answers from moms.
Yes, I am new here. Sadly, this isn’t for a term paper. My husband and I have been together since 2010, but we just got married in November 2017. (not sure what abbreviations to use here yet, but i used bs:bio son, bd: bio daughter, sd: step daughter, DH: husband).. I have a 22 year old BS and an 18 year old BD, a 16 year old SD and we have a 20 month old son. We have had a lot of issues over the years with SD. She was DH’s only child until we had our son. SD has tried every trick in the book to attempt to get DH back to herself. While I was pregnant she told me that she didn’t mind her daddy having another baby, she just hated that she would have to “share” him even more! I told her she was his only child so she wasn’t “sharing” him.. she said well I have to share him with you and now I will have to share him with the baby!! It has been rough with her:(.. The issue is DH constantly tells her that she is “the perfect daughter”, “you are the perfect child” or just “you are so perfect”.. He doesn’t see the issue with saying things like that to her.. I tell him he needs to compliment her on the things she does/accomplishments. Well the only thing she does is go to school. She makes good grades and she gets paid very well for those grades. He also has different rules for his daughter. She has never had to do extra chores for her phone bill, actually she doesn’t have to clean up anything. I couldn’t tell you the last time she washed her sheets! He gives her money behind my back but she always tells me because she knows he doesn’t.. It’s causing a huge strain on our marriage. Some days I just want to tell his “perfect daughter” that she can keep him!! SD has been “punishing” DH since the wedding, she use to come over 3 weekends a month. Now she only comes when she wants money and she will come over late, then go home by noon the next day. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I love my husband and we have been friends since 1998! I just refuse to “compete” with a child over my husband. I can’t measure up to the “perfect daughter” and neither can our son. DH is great with the baby and with my children. He just refuses to parent “perfect SD”.. Like I said he does not have an issue with telling she is the perfect child because in his eyes she is perfect! I have tried to get him to go to couples therapy but he refuses. I just don’t know what to do and I just need advice and support!
Thank all of you for your answers!! I just wasn’t sure if most parents would tell their child they are “perfect”.. I agree with all of you! There is no such thing as the “perfect child or person”.. and it is a lot of pressure to put on a child!.
context is everything.
i've told my kids they're perfect.
i've also told them that if they do x again i'm going to reach down their pieholes and remove their lungs through their nostrils.
my kids learned young the value of hyperbole.
khairete
S.
Tell me one person who would approve of calling their child "perfect." Seriously, what good thing have you heard?
Welcome to mamapedia, Racingmom33.
Are you doing a term paper or something?
No. I would NOT tell my child they were perfect - no one is. That's setting them up for failure.
You put them on a pedestal and when that pedestal falls? WOW...what a huge let down.
No one is perfect. Why would you say that to your child? That child will learn he/she is not perfect and then resent you.
I think it would create a monster.
This has to be a joke question ....
Tell a child they are perfect and they will be afraid to put themselves out there, expand their boundaries, try new things, etc. they will be too fearful of failure. If they fail then that will prove they are not perfect after all.
This is such a strange question. I hope It is for a term paper.
like when? i don't get it.
i may say it to my child when they are 7 and calling themselves fat. "your not fat you are perfect!" (but both my kids are in the 50% of weight so i have factual evidence that their weight is ideal and "perfect" for a kid their height and age)
but as a general rule no i don't tell my kids they are perfect. i am raising humans. and no human is perfect
The more I see of other peoples kids the more I am glad they are not mine.
I tell my kid (he's our only child and he's 19) he's the perfect kid for me - other kids I'm not so crazy about.
It's not that he's perfect - everyone has things they need to work on.
It's just that his temperament and mine go together really well.
We understand one another - we share jokes that no one else gets.
We grok each other (Robert A. Heinlein term from Stranger in a Strange Land).
It's ok for a kid to know that.
If anyone tells me I'm perfect? (it happens).
I laugh it off - I know I'm not and I don't believe it.
A kid doesn't know what to do with that sort of compliment.
No, you shouldn't lie to your child.
THE perfect child - as if there is ONE? I don't get it.
Well I haven't. So I don't know. Not sure if that answers your question.
No, because:
1) They aren't, and they will sometimes misbehave. You don't want them to think it's okay and that "perfect" means "can do no wrong."
2) It's a tremendous amount of pressure to put on a child. If they make a mistake, they now feel they have to hide it, or they feel they have fallen off the ridiculous pedestal you put them on.
3) They can get obnoxious to others because they assume "perfect" means that everyone else is not.
That's very different from encouraging a child to be an individual and not always follow the path of others. Individuality is not perfection, but it's not bad within general social norms and kindness extended to others who are also expressing individuality.
I'm genuinely curious as to your intentions in asking this question. Did your parents tell you that you are perfect? Have you told your child or children that they are perfect? Have you heard another parent say it to their children?
Have you ever met a child who acts like a little snot? Thinks they are better than everyone else? A little like Malfoy in the Harry Potter series? Should any parent want their kid to act like a Malfoy? (Remember what he was REALLY about - thought he was God's gift, bullied people, but was really a coward...) Making a child think they are perfect turns them into this kind of kid. And then as they grow up, they find out that their parents lied to them.
Children need to hear good things about themselves AND constructive criticism. Without both, they can be emotionally stunted.
Finally, why does a parent do this? To live vicariously through their child? If their child is perfect, that must mean that the parent is perfect? So is it really for the child or for the parent? If it's really for the parent, it's selfishness.
You never want to tell a child they are perfect. You can tell them they are wonderful but never perfect.
I can see telling kids that they DID something perfectly (hyperbole, like Suz T said), but not that THEY are perfect. I myself still struggle with getting rid of perfectionism (an entirely unreasonable thing to expect from myself or anyone else), and I certainly wouldn't want to inflict it on people I care about, such as my children.
that sounds like a lot of pressure for a child.
Don't tell them they're perfect.
Tell them they are smart, generous, loved, talented, a good friend, kind, and wonderful.
Tell them they can change what they see wrong, they can defend those who need it, they can be good/kind friends.
Tell them they can learn things they don't know, they can open their minds to new thoughts and ideas.
Praise them. Support them. Love them.
No. Google Carol Dweck and read about growth mindset.
Why would anyone put the pressure on their own child to always be perfect? I think that would be the message most children would get from a parent telling them that they are perfect. In my opinion it is much more important that you tell a child and show a child that they will always be loved. That way when they are not perfect- because no one is- they will not worry about you loving them.
Updated
No, not perfect. I did tell my children they were as good as the best and better than the rest. That stuck with them and encouraged them without making them conceited.
I wouldn't. Perfection is an illusion. Love is real. Stick with real.
