Is It Ok to Spy on My 13 Years Old Son When He Go Out of the House?

What are you going to do when he goes to college? Gets married? Follow him then as well?

He's 13!!!!

You need to trim the apron strings and trust that you raised a good kid. When he sees you spying, he sees you as not trusting him.

So if he feels you don't trust him anyway, then there is no reason for him to choose to do something negative that would make you distrust him. In his mind you already do distrust him.

No, it's not ok.

What you do is think about your child in general. Is he doing well in school (performing to the best of his abilities, showing up to class on time, not receiving detentions or suspensions)? Does he seem reliable overall, like does he say he'll do a particular chore like mow the lawn by Saturday, and by Saturday he has mowed the lawn? Does he respect the curfews or time limits you have set?

And then you think about your neighborhood. Does he have things to do, like skateboard or go to friends' houses to play video games, or is there a basketball hoop, or is he just sitting in the park with nothing to do?

If he's trustworthy and if he has something to do besides hang out in a 7-11 parking lot, then give him some freedom. Spying on him will lead to problems.

You set boundaries. Clear, concise boundaries. Not "be home before supper" but "be home by 7 pm". And you remain vigilant. If he comes home and he's been smoking or drinking, or if he suddenly has super-expensive electronic gear that he ordinarily could not afford, then you set stricter limits or remove privileges altogether. And you establish logical consequences. If he isn't home by the time limit you have set, he loses the privilege of freedom. If he loses his valuable skateboard or phone, you don't buy him a new one. He has to earn it. And don't be afraid to tell him that you worry, but also tell him that he can earn your trust and respect and privileges by remaining honest and accountable.

And he should have a basic cell phone - one without internet capabilities. Just one that makes and receives calls, with maybe a few functions like an alarm clock. Establish some rules. Figure out a way for him to call you if he ever finds himself in a difficult situation, like someone has been drinking, or a fight is about to break out. I know I've said it before on here, but I gave my son a code. If he felt unsafe, or if kids were about to drink and drive, he was to call me with a fake message if he wasn't free to speak in front of his friends. He was to say something like "oh, I forgot to tell my mom a phone message and she freaks out" and then he was to call me and say "mom I forgot to tell you that Uncle Ed called and Aunt Edna is in the hospital" (and there is no Uncle Ed or Aunt Edna). That was my cue to ask yes or no questions. Is someone drinking? Is the person who drove you to the movies drunk? Is a major brawl about to break out? If the answer was yes, I would 'freak out' and ground him and come get him, allegedly punishing him for not telling me Aunt Edna was in the hospital. He was rescued, I was the bad guy. No questions asked. I'd come get him at any time.

We also had a quick "check in" code. We still have it. It is R U A & W. I type that to him. It means Are you alive and well. He texts back A & W. He knows if he doesn't respond, I will hound him and blow up his phone with texts (well, not anymore since he is employed and an adult, but I used to threaten to do that when he was in high school) and he would lose privileges. Now I only text that if he is on a long road trip for his job, and he's driving through the night to get to an event. He doesn't text while driving, but he has a talk-to-text thing and he just tells his phone to tell me that he's A & W. You can establish something like that with your son, and tell him that you don't need to know everything that he's doing, but that responsiveness and responsibility and accountability will lead to more and more privileges. My son told me that the A & W thing made him realize that I worried about him but it was quick and concise enough that he didn't mind reassuring me.

Demonstrate respect, trust, and be willing to talk and listen to him, and he will live up to that. Demonstrate spying and a lack of trust, and he'll live down to that.

you can say you trust your son until you are blue in the face. You don't trust him. You are going to get him to hide things from you and push the limits and beyond when you finally do let him go and be independent. You are causing this. When he gets in trouble? You will be to blame because you micromanaged him to the point where he can't make decisions on his own.

You going to be this involved when he gets in high school? What about college? What about IF he can ever find a girl that will accept YOU as her mother in law? She will want to marry HIM not you too.

Put the brakes on mama. You gotta trust that you have instilled the right foundation for him to make decisions.

You don't "sound" overprotective. You ARE overprotective.

You don't trust your son.

You need to.

Saying he's 13 and I trust HIM but I don't trust his AGE is just you lying to yourself to make yourself feel better.

13 IS a teen. He's doing normal teen things. Get him a cheap, no internet flip phone that he can use for emergencies. Tell him to call you and ask if he can hang at school after. Then tell him when to be home. Then let him follow through.

Because if you DON'T give him room to do AGE appropriate things, especially if he is being honest and going where he says he is (which you KNOW he's doing because you're SPYING on him), he will possibly rebel in an UNSAFE way.

You will damage your relationship with him. YOUR fear will strangle him and push him away. You will cripple his ability to make decisions by not allowing him to make decisions.

BACK OFF. If TRUST really is important to you, PROVE IT. USE IT. Because right now, you're not.

ETA: Reading your SWH - excuse me? Just because I TRUST my kids means that I want LESS for them than you do?? REALLY?? WOW. What a judgment call. It is MY JOB to prepare my kids for life as an adult. That means allowing them to make mistakes and learn from them. As well as independence. To tell people that because we TRUST OUR KIDS and allow them to venture off does NOT mean we don't want the best for our kids.,
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Manpreet - welcome to mamapedia.

He's 13. He needs his wings to grow. BACK OFF.

Yes. you are being over protective. WORSE?? You are showing him that you DO NOT TRUST HIM. Your instincts are right - you are telling him I DO NOT TRUST YOU - when you follow him, check up on him, etc.

Are you REALLY in the US? Do you live in a high crime area?? DO you live in an area where children are picked up for child trafficking?? WHAT? What is your reason behind your inability to trust him?

My boys are 16 and soon to be 14. Do they go places alone? No. Not really. I prefer the adage of strength in numbers. But they venture out on their own. They know my expectations and they know the consequences of breaking those expectations.

ETA: Does your son have any friends that he goes to their homes and hangs out with them without you around? If not, he needs some buddies to do things with and to learn how to navigate the male world. This way you could get to know the parents and have a knowledge of who he is with while away from your home.

You have to let them do things and to trust their instinct of right and wrong to make the right decision.

Original: I have a son and a daughter.

My son was the one that I had to keep a steady hand with. He still did many more things at an earlier age of 9 or 10 than your son at 13. There were broken bones and restriction for things that he did but he learned from them. It also prepared him to be the father he is today and the confident journey electrician foreman at his job that the company wants him to be more than he is. He played sports and traveled on the team bus to meets in other countries (we lived in Europe at the time) and cities. He traveled by train and boat to England to Boy Scout camp for a week.

What am I getting at? The fact that he had the freedom to explore and do dumb things that caused him grief and pain and punishment but he also found what the consequences were and how to live with what he had done to become the man and husband he is today.

I once made a statement about being home at a certain time and hubby asked me what I did that. He was 18 at the time. I told him that he was new to the town and driver's license and that he had to stay awake to drive home. Once he was able to do that I did not worry about falling asleep I just reminded him of other things that young boys/men do and he would "protect" himself.

If you keep this up, no woman will want him as a husband because you will have had the apron strings wrapped around him in a stranglehold and choking him to death.

the other S.

PS He might become the next ax murderer as a way to revolt again your grip.

I think you need to let him go after school and on weekends, and for more than an hour, especially during daylight hours and with kids you know. Start with short times, and gradually extend them when he is responsible about coming home on time, telling you who he is with, and so on. I think it's okay for a kid to have a very low-end cell phone with limited or zero internet capability but the ability to text Mom to say where he is. I like the codes suggested below.

DO NOT go out after him! It undermines everything you are trying to do, which is to create trust and give him the start of some responsibility. DO check his phone to see who he is texting, and get educated about various apps that kids use to deceive their parents. Let him know he has no right to total privacy with a phone, that you will be checking it. And it's okay to make him hand it over to you at a certain hour of the evening.

Make a plan for giving him more freedom each year, or every 6 months. And invite his friends over for movie/popcorn or other activities so you can get to know them very casually. If you make your house the fun place for kids to hang out, you'll know where your kid is much more often.

The greatest risk is in being so strict that he spends no time near you at all, and perhaps deceives you just to have a little normal freedom.

You are just now giving him the amount of freedom at the age of 13 that I gave my kids at the age of 8 or 9. At the age of 12 a child should be able to babysit younger children. Unless your child is immature, or has given you a reason not to trust him, or you live in a particularly dangerous area, it would be in his best interest to give him some room to grow.

He's 13. Let him go. If you don't he will rebel.

He's 13.
He's not 7.
Why not stay home and bake him something for when he comes back?

Additional:
This might be a cultural thing.
There are plenty of parents who control where their kids go by signing them up for an after school sport.
You won't need to 'spy' on them if you are sitting in the stands watching them play baseball, football or soccer - spectators are expected - whole families turn out to watch.
But following him around in the neighborhood - sorry, I've NEVER heard of that - and it's kind of creepy.
Did your parents follow you around?
Or did they keep you at home and somewhat secluded maybe because you're a girl?
We raise our kids to become self sufficient adults who can go out and function in the world.
Granted, it's a tough process - and the teen years can be touch and go - they want to have adult privileges without any adult responsibilities.
They can't have one without the other.

I had a long answer and it was eaten by the internet - boo!

Basically - no. You should not spy on your kid if you tell him you trust him. Tell him you don't trust him and don't let him go. Work on that though.

My husband and I are incredibly protective of our kids, but we don't lie to them. It helps keep communication open and our 12 (almost 13) year old daughter is open and honest with us back. So are our 11 and 9 year old sons.

Yes, I think you are being quite over protective. I encourage my son to go out and play. In fact I kick him out of the house. :) I'm happy if he goes to the park or runs around the neighborhood with friends because he is off a screen. I just ask that he come back at dinner time. (He is 12). How about instead of worrying and not trusting your son...that instead you become closer to him. If you and he become bonded and he enjoys your company then hopefully he will talk to you. Then you will know his thoughts on things, what he is interested and doing with his friends, and the things he is dealing with in life. There is only so much you can do with teaching your children and then you have to trust them to go out in the world and reflect back what you have taught them. Some things will stick. Some things will not because your son is a different person than you are and he will be different than you in some ways.

We have friends who were more comfortable earlier than us, and friends who still don't allow their 13 year old to go to the park on their own.

Everyone's comfort level is different and it depends on where you live, your child's maturity level and personality and how you've raised them to date, as well as who their friends are.

I started off small. I even gave my kids walkie talkies when they were about 9/10 and they could bike around the neighborhood. A year later if they went to the park with kids, they had to just check in to let me know they had arrived and when they were leaving. Or if anything suspicious happened. Our deal was if anything "odd" (they knew what odd meant as we'd covered this), they came home. And they stuck to that.

I'd start small. Does he have a cell phone? For me, that's what gave me comfort. Knowing I could be in touch. I like Elena's simple Are you Alive and Well text :) I just say - R U OK. They do the thumbs up back.

I have to admit, we'd do the odd drive by the park initially - they couldn't see us. And when they first went further than that, we'd drive by on our way somewhere and check in. Our kids are ok with that. Their friends don't make fun of them - good group of kids.

Mine did a babysitting course. I hear there are home alone courses too kids can take as early as 9/10. Would that make you feel better? I had really drilled it into my kids what was safe or not, and how to handle situations without us there. I also felt better if mine were in a group. We have run into the odd weird thing, but that gives us an opportunity to discuss and see how they cope. It's all part of giving them freedom.

Good luck :)

There's a book How to Raise an Adult you may like to read. It's made me realize we can actually hurt our kids in our constant attempts to help and shelter. Not letting our kids have some independence and make some decisions and some mistakes can really backfire on them later. So for his own good, you need to back off. 13 is pretty old too. Kid are out alone in our neighborhood as young as kindergarten.

I remember when my oldest was that age. Walking to the park with a group of boys and girls. I kind of freaked out un-necessarily, and I would "walk the dog" with the purpose of spying on her. She hated that, and it didn't help our relationship. Now that she is 16, I look back and I know that I really had nothing to worry about. Yes, you're being over-protective, but it's really, really hard not to be. If you know and are comfortable with who he hangs out with, I would give him reasonable freedoms.

I think there are 2 things you need to consider:

1. What is it that you feel you are protecting him from? What are you afraid of? Are you afraid he is going to do something he shouldn't? Are you afraid someone is going to hurt him? You need to give some serious thoughts as to what it is that scares you and then address that fear. A vague "I want to protect him" isn't going to help the situation. You need to identify that fear.

2. If you prohibit him from doing age appropriate things (going to the park without you), he will begin to resent you and he will rebel. By being overprotective, you are suffocating him. You are not allowing him to do things that he is perfectly capable of doing. He is going to resent that. One day, he is going to decide that he no longer needs to listen to your rules and will simply do what he wants whether you like it or not. This is going to hurt your relationship.

I grew up in Springfield, Illinois, population (at the time) 100,100, and I began taking the city bus by myself when I was 8. Now, my dad used to take that same bus to and from work every day and got to know the bus driver and more than likely asked him to keep an eye on me. Still, I rode that bus to and from a summer computer class each day. When I was 8!!! No parents! Gradually, I was given more and more freedom and began babysitting when I was 12. I even went to the mall with friends when I was 10.

You can't live your life in fear. Right now, you are teaching your child to be afraid of the world. That is so sad!

Honestly, I think there's a balance to it that is key. He needs to feel you can trust him by giving him more freedom, BUT have your resources to check up on him from time to time. Let him know there will be consequences if you find he is elsewhere or doing something different. Being consistent is key. I wouldn't be down his back about everything, but give him a little freedom, but still keeping it under control. Give him permission to hang with friends, but making sure it's people of good influence and keeping a time limit on it.

Is your fear based on the possibility that you are not a native citizen? If so, I get it. Do what your heart tells you.

I wouldn't do that for the sake of my own sanity. As long as you know where, with whom and what time he should be back, then I think it's ok. If you don't trust his friends he is with or their families, then that is another issue. Maybe use hte iphone 'location' finder to just make sure he is where is supposed to be.
Good luck

I will say that I do understand.Our world is filled with people whose only desire is to hurt other people. I think that you have to believe in your child and know that he is going to make good decisions.

I suggest that you figure out how much time he can go and be alone with friends at the park. How far it is, how crowded, etc...are all things to take into consideration.

He will be out on his own in less than 5 years so he needs to have some freedom to make mistakes so you will be there to catch him and give him support. Letting a creep have access isn't part of that...that isn't what I mean. I'm saying if he is going with friends that are trustworthy that have the same standards as to who they can talk to and what their boundaries are then he should be okay.

Give him a specific time to be home and an inexpensive phone to contact you if he needs help. Let him know that if he follows the rules you set, then he will get more freedom. If he breaks the rules, he loses freedom. Then follow through - if he follows the rules, then start increasing the length of time you let him go places alone.

I understand your hesitation. My son is 9. In my heart, my son is my little boy, but in reality, he's not so little anymore, and he deserves to be treated as the person he is, and not hovered over like a toddler. Your son deserves the same, and at age 13, he deserves your trust (real trust - actions speak louder than words) unless he shows that he can't handle it.

My daughter is 18 and as a curtesy will text me just to let me know all is well.

Get your son a phone and keep in touch with him. I would think it would be quite embarrassing to have you just show up a various hang out spots.