Is Grandmother Playing Psycological Games W My Daughter. Need Advice

She should never make fun of a child or say she is ugly. I would call her out on that and insist it stop or she would not be welcome around the child any longer. As for the barbies, a 4 year old should be able to pick up her own toys, and letting her guilt you into doing it for her by crying and begging is not acceptable. I would not have let her sit there and cry and beg for 10 minutes, she would have been put in time out until she was done throwing a fit and was ready to take care of her responsibilities. I do not think that grandma should have given in and done it for her, but she should never tease or belittle he either.

I would keep her visits to very, very short ones. Actually anyone who calls
there grandaughter ugly, would not be allowed in my house.

I might see things from a different perspective.....
It's not psychologically abusive to make a 4 year old pick up her own toys.
Why was your daughter crying and begging for 10 minutes for someone to help her put her toys away? Why didn't you say "If you get toys out, you put them away when it's time." ?
If your daughter begs for a toy in the store, do you just let her have it because she should never have to beg for anything?
I mean no offense, I really don't, but you might be carrying this a little far.
I don't know all the ins and outs of the situation and it's impossible to know by such a brief post, but I wouldn't call that scenario abusive.
Is it possible your daughter cries and begs a lot of the time to get out of doing something she doesn't want to do?
Maybe your mom isn't really calling her ugly. Maybe she's trying to say that crying over something and acting like that isn't the prettiest behavior.
After all, like you said, it was just stupid Barbies. Why should your mom help her and then be the one to tell her that she can only play with them if she puts them back? If that's how you think it should go, why didn't YOU help her pick them up and tell her that instead of making a big deal out of it?

If I acted like my mom was abusing my kids for not caving in to a fit she would probably give me the silent treatment too. After flipping me the bird.

I hope you and your mom can work things out because I don't think it's good for your daughter to know that you argue over her behavior. Your daughter loves you both.

Best wishes.

A four year old is plenty old enough to pick up her own toys and she shouldn't be carrying on and crying about it. Good for your mom to not allow this!

Your mom on the other hand, shouldn't be saying she looks ugly. That is really wrong.

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1.) It is not Grandma's job to parent.

2.) Yes, a 4 year old DOES need to learn to pick up after herself. However she is still in need of prompting and patience. And yes, even 'help'.

3.) The situation you describe is actually undermining any authority you may have established with your own daughter. And it describes some kind of odd power struggle between you and your daughter and your Mom.

4.) As kindly as possible discuss this with your Mom.

5.) It's really really awful to call a child ugly, even when they're having a melt down (esp a girl). It's not about how she LOOKS, it's about teaching her self-respect via cleaning up her things. It is completely counter-productive.

6.) I hope you can express to your Mom with heart, the same way you did here how this makes you feel, and especially the negative impact it has on all three of the relationships in question.

Good Luck!

My mom does the same thing. Try telling her, "Mom, usually when I want her to do something, like clean up, I say ______." or "When I want her to stop doing ______ I tell her _____." Usually at this point, my mom will argue with me and tell me that my son is naughty and I need to do _____ (whatever she determines is the RIGHT course of action) and then I just tell her, "Mom, I'm the parent of this little boy. You had your shot with me and here's how you can be successful with my son. If your way was successful, he would've cleaned up by now. He's not going to like you if you keep treating him disrespectfully." And if she gives me the silent treatment, so what. I've got her grandkid and if she wants to see him, eventually she'll need to talk to me. My therapist has suggested this and it works. Good luck!

as far as her making your daughter pick up her toys she is 4 and my house pick up your toys is pick up your toys you argue/bed/plead not to you are in your room for a time out plain and simple don't make the mess if you aren't going to pick it up. If you don't like to listen to her beg what do you do when you are out and she "begs" for something do you give in an buy it? I would be angry to if your child wouldn't pick up her toys especially if it was at my house.

Calling her names is unacceptable.

Your daughter was crying and probably throwing a tantrum. Did you ever see a kid throwing a tantrum/ They DO look ugly. Perhaps your mom was trying to tell her how awful she looked while crying over nothing. I really cant figure out why your mother was telling her to put her toys away. that is your job even if it is your moms house. I babysit my grand kids and when their mom comes (my DIL) she makes them put their toys away and sometimes helps. Once they refused she told them when they got home they will not have their toys at home. She must have followed through because they havent refused since. However they did have a habit of crying when they saw her until I spoke to them before she arrived that they were not being nice, that she worked hard and wanted happy children when she got home. I might have told them they looked ugly if I had thought of it.

S.,
I absolutely loathe it when someone dares try to discipline or teases my child. I may not be the best mom as I let my son eat in the living room and jump on the couch, but still, those are my rules!!. I had the same situation with my SIL who expected my son to be perfect, I talked to her and told her that she is not to be an authority figure to my son, and cannot discipline him AT ALL (she hit my child once, and I was about to jump her!!!), and I put a lot of effort in not giving them the opportunity. My point is, in this particular situation, I dont think your mom was being abusive, because I "ignore" my son unless he asks for things nicely or if he is throwing a tantrum, but if this is not the way you want to discipline your daughter, you have to let her know, whether she gives you the silent treatment or not. She as a mom, knows that our children come first, to anything, sometimes, even our parents or other family members. I'm sorry you are in this situation, though. Good Luck!!1

Hi,I would only allow your daughter to have monitored and supervised visits with your mom.As your daughter gets older and your mom younger(lol)...explain the disease of alzhiemers to your daughter.This works in my similiar case with my daughter and mother-in-law.

My mom is the same way. Very childish and immature in dealing with my grandkids and my pets. She use to do it to me, my brothers, and my children. I couldn't do anything about it when I was a kid but when she started with my own kids I put my foot down and made her stop. Your daughter needs adults to guide her along as she grows; not people that are suppose to love her mistreating her and making her feel small.

Let your mother give you the silent treatment. Once she stops let her know that she can no longer treat your daughter so badly. If she continues please continue to stick up for your child. You are just being a good mama.

I would definitely intervene if you feel your Mom is being abusive. Limit your daughters time with your Mom if you feel you have to. Your daughter needs to know that you will protect her. I would not let your Mom tell your children they are ugly without stepping in. Damage to the self-esteem can take a long long time to correct.

As far as the Barbies...I agree with the other Mom's. You may just need a little guidance in a consistent discipline. Have you heard of Love and Logic? Give it a try, and ask Mom read the book too.

Yes, this is emotionally abusive, but I'd guess your mom thinks she's doing a good thing by your daughter. Instead of putting a negative spin on it, how about making a mental "update" sound attractive and positive? Kids do well with this approach, too, which is the whole purpose of:

EMOTION COACHING!!! …(crowds cheer in the background)…

A great place to start investigating some of the most recent work by behavioral psychologists is to read up on it yourself, and pass on the gems that you learn through talk AND example. Here's a good link and some great books:

The book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, which discusses studies showing how much more resilient and happy children raised by these methods turn out – how effective they become at problem-solving, how much better their relationships are all the way into adulthood. Or google Emotion Coaching, for lots of useful information. (Here's one good link to get you started: http://www.education.com/reference/article/important-pare... .)

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. The practical wisdom in this book will make it a resource you reach for again and again. It's my current favorite with my 4.5yo grandson. The techniques and ideas are mutually respectful, and they WORK!

I agree with Mindy T. and many other of the moms. Teasing is just wrong, listening to a child beg for 10 minutes is wrong (its bad behavior) and she should learn how to pick up after herself. Maybe it should be turned into a game (picking up) so its not such a hard thing for her to do. That's what grandma should be teaching her....things that make her a better and more responsible child.....then again, its really your responsibility to instill these behaviors in her.

S.
you are totally correct to step in and alleviate your daughter's distress. I would also advise you to have a word with your daughter too, not so much to ignore grandma but to help her with her independence.

We are working with api.org to follow a more child-friendly and child-healthy parenting format. You might get some ideas from their forum also.

Good luck,
M.

Parenting philosophy has changed so much since your mother had to parent a small child. She might not ever understand your style. I liked how the other ready said to give her suggestions on how you would handle the situation. Don't worry about her being mad-she will get over it. Your daughters mental well being is more important. Plus I feel it is better to work along side your small child in doing certain tasks so she models your behavior. It is can be very overwhelming for a small child to have to cleam up by themself. Good luck.