Sissy Boys or immature.......what Am I Doing Wrong??????

There is a difference between sensitive and tantrums. My son is sensitive and cries if my husband or anyone uses a firm tone with him. But, throwing tantrums and crying to get what you want is a behavior issue. They know that acting this way is going to get them what they want. That is not the same as sensitive. Treat the tantrums the same way that you would for a 16 month old, ignore it.

some kids are just like that! and the thing about kids over 3 not throwing fits!!! ya right!! i suggest putting him in school and let him socialize with other kids HIS age. I have a friend who has kept her little boy at home with her for 5 years and he has no idea how to interact with other children its very sad. do the best thing for him and get him in school

First of all I think they know that tantrums are not a good thing, otherwise they would do them in front of Sunday school class.

They do this in your home, because you are responding to the tantrums. From now on No whining is acceptable for any reason for anyone in the house and NO Tantrums ever.

When there is a tantrum out in public, leave. Get in the car and go home. Let you son know that his behavior is not acceptable.And his behavior is the reason you all had to leave. Do not go back even if he begs and promises.. You may need to do this a couple of times, but he is going to learn very quickly you are serious. If he does this at home, step over him and ignore him.. If he follows you go to your own room and shut your door or lock your self in the bathroom. Even if he begs and promises.

The rule is never give anything to the child that they asked for if it was during a tantrum or caused a tantrum. Once he calms down. Give him a hug and tell him in the future he needs to use his words. Tantrums are not acceptable.

This is not criticism it is an observation. "I decided to homeschool our oldest this year, but seriously considering putting him in school in sept. As much as I would hate for him to be away for that long," ~ is this a good reason to home school? This sounds like what you need not him.

I have a cousin that home schools because they live way out in the country and the bus rides each day would take a long time. They also have 6 children so they would end up in 3 different schools. I have friends that do not believe in some curriculum's taught in schools and want their religious beliefs taught on a daily basis and cannot afford private school, so they homeschool. But you not wanting them to be away from you to attend school, sounds a little clingy. Maybe your son picks up on this anxiety from you.

Let your sons know they are strong in their minds. Let them know they do make good decisions each time you see it. Also if they make a not so great choice, ask them "what did you just learn?" "How can you make that better next time?" If they feel insecure, let them know this is normal, we all feel this. If they feel like they do not want to share, they have that right, but they need to remember to respond with manners and to remember to honor others when they do not want to share. .

Also let them know they are smart enough they do not need to whine or to throw tantrums, because they know the words to use..

I am sending you clarity and peace.

Two great books that helped me were Raising Cain and Raising Your Spirited Child.

First of all, I really love Raising Cain because I didn't know much about raising boys and one great thing I got from it is that, as a society, we tend to teach all boys it's okay to be angry, but not any other emotion. So when they get sad/tired/frustrated, they act angry. And I got some pointers on how to teach them to deal with other emotions.

The Spirited Child book really helped me because my daughter is similar (the cold shower water incident struck me) and she does "behave" outside the home more than at home. And we do NOT tolerate/condone/reward it at all!!!! Spirited Children can just be more sensitive to stuff like taste, smells, temperatures, changes, distractions, etc. And I think she feels safe to work on that at home with us.

All that being said, we work CONSTANTLY to teach both our kids the acceptable ways to handle these perfectly legitimate feelings they have. I use "take a deep breath and use your words" all the time! We encourage my daughter to use drawing (her big thing) to express her feelings. Just this morning, she got frustrated and threw a toy at her brother. So we talked about other ways to handle being angry AFTER she had a time out.

If I had to use labeling words on my kids, I'd say my daughter is a tomboy and my son is a total jock--they're physically fearless, coordinated and active. But they have feelings, too, and we try to teach them how to express them and handle them the way we want them to when they grow up. It's a slow, trying process--but isn't that what we parents do?

Don't stress and don't let other people tell you what you "should" do or what your kids "should" be! I think it's great that your oldest has the skills to resolve conflicts outside your home--he must have learned that somewhere--wink, wink!

Hi L.,
I homeschool both my girls. One of them who is 5 is very loud and very sensitive to her needs. I have learned to see "tantrums" as a way kids have of communicating how important it is to them whatever reason prompted the tantrum.
I try (though not always succesful) to be proactive about it. I do not go to places I know it is not kid friendly. I give choices, even during tantrums when they happen. We can't deny they can happen. Whoever that person is who wrote about tantrums after 3 not being acceptable, I think he lives in a different world. Even adults throw tantrums! I'd try to model ways to resolve the issues which causes the tantrums. But I would not minimize the child's feelings or importance he is given to the issue at hand.

It is the hardest job to be a caring parent. If I may suggest: Every single time your kids are smiling, giggling, laughing or just plain enjoying themselves, give yourself (and your partner) a pat in the back. For the way I see it, you are raising happy kids, and happiness goes a long way after childhood is over.

Oh, and about grandma... I've had grandparents categorizing, or trying to label my kids one way or another. I just smile and say, yes, my kids are different (proudly!). Cultural differences aside, or counting them in.... every single child is different in his/her own way.

And if you are still considering putting your child to school instead of homeschooling because of the tantrums, you might want to think of a few other things:
1. Learning how to deal with our emotions is a process, it won't last forever if acknowledged and validated.
2. You know your child best.
3. Siblings learn from each other, good and/or bad and then parents can guide through what is considered "bad". At school, there are not that many eyes and ears to be on top of everything kids learn from each other.
4. Learning at home is on-going and it can be fun and engaging.
5. Kids grow up so fast. If you can homeschool, take advantage of the opportunity. Before you know it, they will be grown ups :)

I hope this helps, I just kept going and going :)

Hugs,
M.

I read your "what happened". You said the boys know that the tantrums and bad behavior are not acceptable and they get repermanded. But some kids do it for attention EVEN negative attention. I say this cause they only do it with you and your husband. Which actually is much better than if they were doing it 24/7. I also agree your oldest should go to regular school. You said in Russia kids don't go to formal school till they are 7, but you are here in the states and if homeschooling isn't a long term plan , but just a couple of years he could feel out of sorts and out of place socially when he finally goes to school in 2nd grade. I personally don't think your boys are "sissy's" they are just trying to push the envelope with you. My son did this with us till he was around 4ish and it stopped. Now he speaks up for himself, instead of crying, if a kid takes his toys and I think it just has to do with maturity and seeing how other kids around him behave. As a side bar I don't think you should think negative on your parenting. We all do the best we can and that's what you are doing.

I think you guys have allowed your kids to behave this way and that is why they do it. They don't do it around other people, because they know that they can't get away with it.

I just wanted to update regarding your so what happened. Never leave a place because your child is being naughty(unless of course it's a place he wants to be.) If you leave a store that you need to be at, because of his bad behavior, then you are giving him control of the situation. Not good. Good luck to you!

i applaud you for accepting the responsibility for how they're acting (although i hasten to add there's no blame attached to that. parenting is not an exact science.) somehow the boys are getting the message that you can be played, even while your good parenting is shining through when someone else is in charge. i would go very calm and cool whenever the crying starts up, give it as little attention as is remotely possible, and plenty of positive reinforcement when they handle something in a 'big boy' way (ie coming to you with questions and discussion, or dealing politely but decisively with playground bullies.)
he probably stood silently while the boys messed with him because he was scared. he didn't throw a tantrum then. i think it was a good response, especially if he didn't give up the toy.
when possible, just walk away and leave them there to work through their crying on their own.
oh, and i'd stop referring to 'em as sissies. that's a really negative label. they're not figuring out how to handle their emotions in a particularly attractive way right now, but it's a process, not a personality defect.
it's a fallacy that school matures children while homeschooling them coddles them. your parenting is your parenting, wherever your kids are getting educated. if you truly believe that homeschooling is a great method of educating AND raising your kids, then homeschooling will enhance your handling of this phase. but it's a lifestyle, not just a single educational venue. homeschooling means being involved with your kids holistically, not compartmentalizing behaviors and actions. if you really feel that school will help him mature, you're not committed to homeschooling in a way that will help it be successful. holler if you want to discuss this further.
khairete
S.

Your boys are definitely playing you. You need to look long and hard at how you are parenting them to figure out how and why they can do this. My one clue in your post was that you want to homeschool him b/c you would hate to be away from him for that long. Are you giving him enough independence to figure out things for himself? You seem like you don't think that you are "over-mothering" them but I think that you might be. Or maybe they feel that they don't get enough attention and will do that to get it(my neighbors child is 8 and still tantrums for this reason). Since I don't know you or your kids it is hard to go anymore into it but you are doing the right thing with Rosemon's book-he is my favorite parenting expert.

One more thing-in your case I would NOT homeschool your kids. They sound like they would do much better at a traditional school.

How long ago did you start putting them in their rooms when they cry? What was the result of the temper tantrums up until that point? Did they get what they wanted? If you have just recently started with the discipline for the tantrums, it's going to take awhile to break the cycle. Look at the way you treat your boys. Do you treat them like they are 5 and 3 1/2 or do you treat them younger? I only ask because of the line "I would hate for him to be away that long."
Also, I would really suggest putting your oldest in school. It sounds like he does a lot better when he's away from home. I would think that being in school would only help him to grow and mature away from Mom. I would suggest you look at the reasons why you want to homeschool. If it's just so he'll be near you, then I'm not sure that's the best reason.
Continue with the time outs for the tantrums and whatever you do, DON'T GIVE IN! When they are done pitching their fit, then talk to them calmly. "I know you were frustrated because you couldn't write your name properly, but it really isn't a reason to scream and cry. I don't like it when you act that way." The next time you see them gearing up to pitch a fit, put them in their room BEFORE the tantrum starts. You might be able to avoid the tantrums all together. Like anything, this has to be individualized for YOUR child and YOUR needs. Nothing is ever really bullet proof.
Good luck to you!

I don't know this John Rosemond, but his analysis sounds a little misguided. I suppose it depends on WHO has the stress in the household. Coming from a line of large families, I can say that the KIDS were responsible for doing some parenting and a lot of the housework. I remember many Friday nights helping with drywall and painting while my friends were at sleepovers or, later, football games and dances.

Do you teach your sons about what to say or how to handle those tough social situations? Do you tell him that people aren't allowed to treat him this way or that? Do you step in when he's misbehaving, too? Our kids need to be taught how to be good friends.

About the "mama's boy" thing... my son rarely cries in front of other people. He comes to me to tantrum and cry when he is inclined to do so. This means that he feels safest with me. Take it as a compliment to your parenting that he can express his feelings with you.

It makes me sad to hear you say, "I am not doing a good job." Sometimes I think we are all trying so hard to be "near-perfect" moms, that we make it harder for ourselves, and our children. I'm included in that group, btw.

I can't imagine what it's like to raise children in a culture so different from your own. I'm sure that must come into play as you try to sort through your worry about your sons. I guess my hope for you and your family is that you can keep the ways from your culture that make sense to you and that work for you, while simultaneously integrating new ways of interacting. A very difficult task, indeed, but one that is sure to give your family its own "core" of strengths.

I'd also suggest, just because I hear some of myself in you, to try not to look so hard to others (whether published authors or internet sites :-) as "authorities". I mean, try to go with your "gut" feeling - but to do that, you have to trust that you know what's best for your sons.

It's so difficult, isn't it? Much of the time, I feel like I'm "doing right by my children" even if I do things differently than most others, but then I get down on myself and worry that I'm not doing a "good enough" job as a mom. I too, come here to this site to seek validation - it's one of the great things about the internet. Hopefully we can all use the different ideas we get here to help us find our way back to our mothering instincts, which may or may not match society's "shoulds".

Obviously, I'm simplifying a complicated subject, when really, I just wanted to say, "You wouldn't be here asking about this if you weren't a good mom." Hug your boys even in the "good times" - they will grow up so fast. Best of luck to you.

I agree that we over-analyze our parenting and probably translate that into anxiety for our kids (and certainly ourselves) this day and age! I've noticed this with my own boys and children of others. I think it's partially due to the fact that our whole society is far more "touchy feely" and focused on people's feelings than we used to be. I DO think some kids are just more sensitive than others though. I have a 4 year old who is sensitive in strange ways -he's very rough and tumble but turns on the waterworks and the hissy fits over the strangest things. Sometimes I can attribute it to being tired, but not always. Interestingly enough -this is NEVER a problem when he's at his preschool. I would suggest sending your oldest to school this year IF the schools are decent where you are. It will probably help him. My oldest (youngest is a 20m old total mama's boy, so I'm interested to see how the next few years develop) is just like you describe -tantrum city with mom and dad (and we DO punish and give consequences evenly -we've been to a therapist about it, etc.), but usually just fine at school and with others. I think hockey and possibly going to school will help. My oldest is going to a full day pre-K and after care in August, so I'm interested to see how it goes. I keep being told that he'll grow out of it and as long as we're being consistent, then he'll be fine. I hope so! I'm going to check out that book.

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When they are old enough to talk and to really understand you and you understand them, they are old enough to stop crying from frustration. This is what he is expressing to you. My response to my children at those times was always "stop crying, take a deep breath, and tell me with your words and I'll listen to you". Then as they are telling me, if they start crying, or get that "whine" in their voice, I would immediately interrup with "tell me with your words, and not with crying or whining". When they couldn't or wouldn't stop crying, I would tell them to go to their rooms to cry and when they were done come back and talk to me with words. As long as crying and tantrums gets the desired results, they will continue to do it.

I do not have much advice but I would say to relieve some of your stress and hopefully stop some of the whining and crying, ignore them when they throw a fit. Tell them to buck up and act like a little boy. Walk away and tell them that you do not listen to little boys who cry and whine. When they are ready to act their age, you will listen. You have got to let them handle some things themselves or they will never strengthen. This might help with your stress level too if you just decide to let it go. I am guilty of spoiling my 7 yr old too and not letting him experience things he should. I will have to work on that too!

First I'm a little concerned that the very first part of your question is about asserting your boys' masculinity and labeling them as sissies. Playing with cars and swords does not make them 'manly' and expressing their emotions does not make them 'sissies'. I think you have a whole kettle of fish and you need to separate the issues. As someone else said, expression of emotions and behavior issues are two entirely different things. Are you deeming their outbursts unattractive because they are emotional, or because they are tantrums? Tantrums are not acceptable and you can teach your children out of these using any number of techniques, including those of John Rosemond. Having said that, though, I don't think it's right to try and teach boys they can't express their emotions just because they're boys.