Is a Dysfunction Relationship with a Bio Parent Better than No Relationship?

Short answer ---- NO.

When a child grows up around dysfunctional parents they end up with all sorts of issues. I believe it is better to tell them that Mommy and Daddy really love them but they are too sick to care for her right now. Hopefully when she grows up and is functional and able to see and understand the bad behaviors she will be able to spend time with them. But I wouldn't hold a lot of hope for that.

KUDOS to you for stepping up and raising her.

Ephie, I disagree with the courts allowing visitation with them. In my view, the answer to your question is NO.

Now, about not being able to talk to her. Can you take her to a children's counselor and let THEM talk to her about the visits? That wouldn't be against the court orders, would it?

Check that out. The whole point is for her to not have to feel like she's "in the middle." By taking yourself out of it, yet getting her support, all the bases are covered.

Hugs, sweet lady!
Dawn

You know Ephie, your thought process is only three quarters of the way through in this post.

And like every other thing you tackle, it WILL come full circle. And you WILL move forward with your choices as if there never WAS any doubt. And you WILL be successful in it.

Your own humility AND self respect shines through every time you open your mouth (well, type out a post anyway).

I, for one, have complete faith in you. It's SOOO good to read a post about a child and KNOW for SURE that child is loved and cared for and tended to and that that child WILL be ok. Better than ok.

So I don't even NEED to have any similar experience (which was your question) to have complete confidence you are handling it perfectly.

:)

I'd look at what is truly good for her at this point. If the relationship with her bioparents is harmful to her and they have been determined to be detrimental to her, then you go right on being her parents and raising her and treat it like the adoption it pretty much is.

As hard as it was to not have a father most of my growing up, it was better than having a crappy father in my day to day life. I did not need someone telling me I was stupid on a daily basis. If their addictions and problems are too much for them to be beneficial at all in their child's life, then help her work through the abandonment and all that comes with being a foster/adoptive child. I'd focus on her vs them. And even if they are ordered x and y, many times people cannot do it. So being given visitation does not always = visitation, KWIM?

If she does have to see them, then I would only do what you have to, protect her as much as you can, and get her a counselor if she needs it. Keep loving her. She needs you.

You are an awesome servant of God by being momma to your neice. What a blessing and how wonderful that she has a family to belong to.
In the Bible it says that the angels who look after children are constantly looking at the face of God. I take that to mean they are looking to him for direction, guidance, to know when to step in and protect, when to step back and allow growth, etc. Knowing your neice has a stable loving safe place to come home to after one of these court ordered visitation is essential. Pray constantly without ceasing - God has a plan for the life of your neice - plans to prosper her and not to harm her - to give her a hope and a future. You are a part of that plan - how awesome! God is more powerful than the courts and can manage to keep harmful bio-parents away. As for the lawyer saying you're not allowed to talk to her about visits - I can't see how that could possibly be monitored - or if that's even legal. I wouldn't even concern myself with that - you are called to a higher purpose parenting your two girls - as long as you do what's right in God's eyes you will be blessed and you will be able to look in the mirror.
Also - if you're not connected to a good strong church now, try to find one. I hadn't been inside a church for more than 20 years after my DD was born and I still had notions aobut what people would think or say based on my experiences from many years earlier. Most churches are ready to open their arms and provide emotional & spiritual support for families.
God Bless mama!

my parents weren't as messed up as that so I can only speak from my experience,

My dad was an alcoholic and phyisically and verbally abusive (think hitting you and then all 6 foot 4 of him, screaming over you spitting on you. He never close fist punched M.- I feel like I need to say that. I feel like I wasn't phyisically abused becuase I got hit with something other than a closed fist, or because my brother would stand between him and I with a knife to hold him off from attacking M.). I walked in on him attacking my mother, punching my brother. Involving us in their fights daily. Drinking away our money for groceries.
With all of that said, he was in and out of our lives, as in, my mom kicked him out every few months and he would return eventually to start all over. THere was one time he moved into an apartment nearby (sometimes he moved to other states) but even with him being a mean alcoholic I still wanted to see him. I needed to. I did not want to live with him, but I wanted to visit, to feel that he still cared. I would have loved if my mom didn't keep taking him back and to J. have one day with him a week or a month. He could mantain his temper for short periods.

You don't say what's wrong with the dad?? If the dad is the lesser of the two evils (one being her feeling abandonned) I'd support occassional visits so she feels wanted. If he's J. an irresponsible jerk, I don't think that;s enough to keep her away for good. I would not support visits with her mom at all. I would also have her enrolled in counseling, if you can't talk to her someone has to.

I hope you get custody and everyone straigtens up and they can begin to be family again. Since wishesrarely come true I hope that you get custody and the dad straightens up enough to be a weekend dad and in her life soemwhat

My heart goes out to you and your family!

For my oldest, his bio dad was never in the picture ( except to sign away his rights). But my ex husband adopted him... that turned into a huge heartache and very dysfunctional!

For our family it was best to cut all ties ( the best we can with two more kids we have to communicate about and them living two blocks away). Once we did that, it was the best thing we ever could have done and the healing process was finally able to begin... with a good counselor!!

I'm here for you, and I totally understand! I am living with a very sinilar story, raising my nephew and niece. Only bio Dad in in their lives, and that is limited. Bio MOm is basically out of their lives by choice at this point, but it will stay that way if she ever "chooses" to come back around. I am a big proponent for going through the state DCF or whatever your local child protective services are called. Tell them you need a case opened to better protect the child. It will not be an issue for YOU, just for your sister and the child's father. They will give the parents a service plan to do before they can ever have unsupervised visits, and I guarentee, anyone doing drugs will never get the plan done. Honestly, I seriously doubt your sister will get the service plan done anyway. The child services will be the ones to supervise the visits in the meantime, and when she doesn't show up, they will make notes. It never looks good in court. I know this will work out for you and your child. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Keep in touch and let me know how you are. <3 PM me if you need to or email me........................ Thinking of you and your family. Hang in there Mama!

When the dysfunction is that serious, cut the ties. I did it with my mother in my 30's. I do have some very slight contact - a few phone calls a year. And life is much better for it. If you can get them all the way out of her life, do it. And keep the therapy up as she needs it. A strong foundation is a lifesaver.

You have very good reason to be concerned. Look at the father who blew up both his kids not that long ago. No sooner did the child care worker turn her back on the front door - BOOM! Took everything I had not to cry. The courts make some very bad decisions sometimes.

I cannot share our story in the open forum, but would be happy to via PM if you'd like. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Keep the faith ... And let me know. I can pm after LO goes down for a nap.

Hi Ephie,

I agree with your entire post. And, to answer your question, no. I have talked to a lot of people, done research and spent a lot of time reflecting on this topic. I believe in the inherent right of a parent to be with their child. But, after seeing the emotional roller coaster my daughter went through, I ultimately decided to cut off bio-dad (he was deported based on spousal battery where my testimony, or lack there of, was the determining factory). I decided that it is more important to have a stable, healthy home while her brain is still developing. I tell her a simple, positive and truthful story about bio-dad that she can understand and I can build on as she gets older. She can get to know him when she's older and has more skills to handle dealing with a dysfunctional person.

My nephew's mother was a crack addict. The supervised visitations were a nightmare and she often didn't show up. But, as most drug addicts will, she disappeared and lost visitation rights. I would think your sister has already accepted that you are raising her daughter and the most likely scenario is a no show.

If possible, I would argue abandonment in the father's case and appeal for supervised visitations with your sister. Also, if you are having visitations, I would be careful about telling your daughter she is going to see bio-mom. Do whatever you can to soften the blow if she doesn't show up.

It sounds like you are handling this as well as possible. The situation is threatening the core of your family and your feelings are all valid. Big hugs to you.