My sister-in-law (SIL) has gone mad. She is my husbands sister. She is married and has two children She was very excited upon finding out that I was pregnant. I was on bed rest, had a c-section and had a healthy but colicky preemie. Heres some background. My SIL sent me an email in the hospital wanting to visit with her kids the week I came home. I told her that I would love a short visit. She wrote back a scathing email (which no one understands to this day). I pretended like all was well when she came with her kids, one of whom was hacking and coughing from a bad cold...nice. At the bris she insisted on her child be front and center to watch the proceedure, even the mohel said he had never seen a mother make such a demand. With his backing I politely told her they could watch from the living room. She made a face at me and rolled her eyes. When my LO was a few months old my SIL had a party, I was having milk issues so nursing it through. Upon hearing that only my husband would attend she again sent me a scathing email stating that I should send the baby with my husband (a colicky preemie to a nighttime adult party). I politely declined. She said I didnt know how to be a family and she stopped talking to me for 3 months. She then apologized and we become friends which was great. During this time she did and said several inappropriate and disrespectful things which I either ignored or graciously refuted. She tossed my child and when I told her not to she told me “its okay”, how is it ok? If I ask someone not to do something with my child they should comply, not say its okay and continue to do it! She did it on 2 more occasions and now none of us are comfortable with her holding him. She has done the same “its okay” thing allowing him to chew on her dirty keys. She told him once he “makes all the pain go away” ....creepy. She has also said that she would nurse him if she could because its the same as me nursing him...what!? Once she told my baby that she was offended that he was crying while she was holding him but stopped when I took him...hello Im his mother. My SIL has no impulse control and is extremely defensive, everyone in her family walks on eggshells including her husband to avoid her rages. I had always heard of the rages and have only this year to experience them only in emails. Basically everything is wonderful as long as she gets her way.
So, she always wants to babysit. Im a stay at home mom. I usually just say thanks and Ill let her know and leave it at that. Recently she asked and I felt compelled to say something. (neither of us is comfortable with her sitting due to the inappropriate & disrespectful behavior as well as the fact that my LO is still very colicky.Also she has the patience of a gnat with her own kids). I politely told her that my mother lives a block away and is always available, but that Ill keep her in mind as a backup. Well, she lit into me like never before. She told me that if she cant have my child alone without me or my husband present that the child will never “know” her and she will never “know” him, also that by not letting her babysit I am therefore alienating my child and husband from the entire family. How bizarre! She raged in a 6P text, and then disowned me saying I am too controlling for her. Yes, me and my husband will control the whereabouts of our family. Whats more controlling- a husband and wife controlling who watches their child or an aunt telling 2 parents what to do with their child? She told my husband that he is free to visit and to bring the baby alone (again vying for the baby without me- weird), like my husband would bring our child to the home of someone who hates and disrepects his wife so much.
It only solidifies our position that there is something creepy and weird about her behavior. Her major marital issues may be a factor but who acts like this over babysitting? I think she wants another child but since her marriage is rocky, my LO is her fix. I have to listen to my motherly instricnts on this. Why does she need my child alone? We have NEVER been alone with her children, never babysat or anything. Ive offered when it sounded like she needed someone over the years but she always tells me thats what they have a nanny for. She even has has her mother drive 5 hours to babysit when the nanny cant, but doesnt ask her own brother....so what is she talking about? We know her kids and they know us, we have a nice relationship, we have no need or desire to be alone with them. My instincts are telling me she has some weird motive...everyone that has read the crazed emails agrees. For now we arent speaking. My husband is in complete agreement with me on every point, thank g-d. We both realize that this is something that could potentially come between us but as someone who grew up with her rages, he is with me (hes still afraid of her) ~ this is just to over the top. Their parents also kmow. I being good and wish I could say something to her but have decided to take the high road and get it off my chest here :)
She is on a regular anti-depressant for the midlife crisis, I think she needs something stronger, shes not even 40. (p.s. her husband is an angel).
I have an alarm and a dog :)
Advice, thoughts?
I was thinking possible bi-polar too, nestled in with some narcissism.
I wouldn't let her watch my dog alone.
Yikes.
PS: I'm not a healthcare professional of any kind . . . JMO
I totally agree with Cheryl O. I have a weird SIL, but now that I read about yours mine isnt quite as weird. I would really keep you child away from her, she may be having delusional thoughts and who knows what she could do if she had a fit of rage. she needs to be commited for observation. I hate to sound mean about her, but she really does sound nuts.
she sounds like she's bi-polar and needs meds and some serious therapy.
If her own husband walks on egg shells - maybe he should think about committing her for her own as well as everyone else's safety?
I would continue on the non-speaking path....make sure your husband is on the same page and doesn't give her something to go off of...
She seems quite crazy indeed.
Is she insecure? Do you think she is hiding something and that is why she jumps on the defense?
I would NEVER leave my child alone with her. I didn't leave my child with anyone else besides my mother until recently (almost 11 months). It is your baby and everyone should respect what you ask of them regarding the baby, including her.
I would be stoked she is out of your life.
Get really good locks on your doors. Nice alarm system, big dog.
Yikes! She sounds beyond creepy. You had me at creepy with the first paragraph.
Good for you if you are not speaking...I would be hopeful to continue that...forever! However, that likely won't happen. But you have the right to protect your child and you feel you are doing that with her. She clearly is bipolar or has some kind of mental problems. I would just keep visits to bday's and big holidays and even then make them short visits. If she says anything to you further I would just flat out tell her that she has said some thing that cause you concern and although she doesn't agree, its your choice to limit your time around her. That way she can know exactly what to expect and since the rest of the family knows what a mental kook she is then they will probably back you up as well! Good luck!
It sounds to me like she's bipolar or has something else going on. If she exhibits unstable behavior frequently and has an unhealthy attraction to your child (Love my sister, but I would NEVER tell her that I'd nurse her son!) I would keep the relationship to just what is necessary. Your child does not need to be in the middle of her problems. Your duty is to protect your child and I would distance myself. If anyone has a problem, tell them that her behavior is increasingly unstable and the safety of your family comes first.
I suspect if you talked to your DH you would find that she's been like this on some level for a long time. I would take the not speaking as a blessing. It may be that the kids see less of each other but that may also benefit your child in that he doesn't have to deal with this unstable relative. I would also keep an eye out for her at family functions and keep a close hand on your child around her.
I'm glad your DH seems to back you up. That IS rather creepy.
Your mommy instincts are right on. She is ill and I would not trust her alone with your child ever. Not ever. Never ever ever.
Your first responsibility is to your child. Trust your instincts. Have your husband speak to someone in his family about his concerns for his sister's mental health. He can do this with compassion. If folks decide (or she by herself decides) to lash out at your husband because he expresses reasonable concern about her well-being (and her children) then distance your entire family. I have experience with these kinds of folks and you need to establish limits, but with compassion.
My own mother has always told me that "your motherly instincts are the lord whispering in your ear". Do not second guess yourself. That is your child and if that means not having a relationship with SIL at all, than so be it. Good Luck!
Whew, drama...
If you and DH are in agreement on this (not letting her babysit and such) then simply stop associating with her. You don't say if this is DH's sister, but if she is, he might want to talk to the rest of his family and figure out whether she has a mental health problem (her behavior sounds creepy to me too).
If she is related by marriage (to you or his brother), talk to her husband about how you love him and his kids, but that his wife's behavior is not welcome in your family. Period.
Personally this person does not sound like someone I would want my child to have a relationship with (aunt or not), nor would I.
Ban her from your email (spam filter) and other social networking and keep at not associating with her. That's all...
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Based on what you have posted, you have been totally reasonable with her, and a lot nicer than many of us might have managed in the same situation. She has verbally attacked you multiple times and indeed sounds mentally ill. I would under no circumstances leave her alone with your child, no matter how many times she guilt trips you. If you feel the need to keep inviting/attending family get-togethers with her to keep peace in the family, then do it but keep it short or just send your hubby as you have been. If your extended family can be counted on to not provide her with this info, I would change your email address and cell # just so you can stop getting these ranting messages. Otherwise, delete before even reading. I am sorry she is such a difficult person, that really sucks. I think you sound very level headed and give you kudos!
Never let her alone with your child even to pee.
My mentally ill SIL was wanting to be alone with our child and we knew better. She might accidentally drop the baby or something.
HOLY COW, SHE IS NUTS! Wow, I am sorry for all the drama you have to put up with, that is crazy! It sounds like you have been handling things well; my only advice would be to move far away from her if possible! She must be mentally ill and/or abusing drugs, I cannot think of another explanation for such irrational behavior. DO NOT EVER LEAVE YOUR CHILD WITH HER! She may hurt him to get back at you for the wrongs she thinks you have done her. When you child is older make sure he knows that he is not to go somewhere alone with his aunt, like if she comes to pick him up from school or tries to get him to leave a family function with her instead of you. That may seem extreme, but your story has a very ominous feeling to it.
To me it sounds like you have enough info and back up to get her on a court ordered evaluation. Contact Social Services and see what it would take to have her involuntarily commited on a 72 hr hold. That is enough time to get a diagnosis and start medication. She may not stay on the medication or agree with the assesment but at least you will know what you are dealing with.
Your SIL needs to be evaluated by a professional. She could be bi-polar, she could have a brain tumor, who knows - could be anything medical that may account for her bizarre behavior, especially if it's sudden and recent, and she was relatively normal and reasonable before. Is there any way someone can talk with her husband, or your husbands (and therefore hers also) parents, and say something more about this? You are right not to allow your baby to be around her unsupervised - she doesn't sound stable.
Wow, never ever leave your child alone with this woman. Pretty obvious and you clearly know that. You have handled everything well. She is clearly quite ill and needs more help than she's getting. You might suggest this to your husband or the appropriate family member in case they need some encouragement. I know from some family experience that trying to reason with a mentally ill person is futile. I guess from here on out I'd just respond to her rants with, "I'm sorry you feel that way" or some other neutral comment that doesn't engage her. But never leave your kid alone with her. She clearly cannot be trusted to act reasonably. Good luck and congrats on your new little guy!
YIKES! I would never let her around my kid unless I was in the same room--even if it was party or family gathering--keep an I out for her! Even if she doesn't physically harm your child in one of her rages, she might feed your kid negative ideas about you when she's in a mood.
As everyone else says, stick with your gut. You are very lucky to have a supportive hubby in awkward this situation! Good luck!
Wow, I would watch her BIG time. What you are doing is totally fine and correct. Keep thinking the way you are, you are dead on. You know who you can trust :) From a mom of 3, who's boy is 3 weeks older than yours :)
You are handling this perfectly. Don't be bullied by her. In fact, as much as you can, stay away from her.
