In-laws Wanting, but Not Wanting To ..

C.,
My mom and dad have been divorced for the past 20 years, and even though they were both at my graduation and wedding, my dad now refuses to be in the same house with my mom. Christmas this year was really hard, because I had invited my dad first, not really thinking he would come. Then when I found out he was coming, I had to ask my mom not to be there (for the first time in her grandkids life!) I talked to some friends and my husband, and we decided that we won't do that any more. It is their problem, and their game. Not mine. Nor should it be yours. We decided that we would invite everyone to events. If they can make it great! If not, that is their choice, and we're not going to accomodate their childishness. Our kids need to see us as strong and united, not catering to everyone elses whims. Therefor, you make the decision that is best for you and your family. You can't waste your time trying to please everyone, somehow it just never works out. Good luck!!

I'm sorry if this sounds ingorant but, what is a mil?

Now listen to me, C., You cannot run the world or even your mil or the other part of your family. Just do what you husband said and be proud and happy - extend the invitations and let them make their own plans. You need to concentrate on your own children, and forget the attitudes of others. You do not even have to comment on them, just follow your husband's lead and all will be well. O.K.? C. N.

I have a similar problem because my mil and fil just about hate each other. My husband and I married after our little girl was 3, and I was so nervous about them being in the same room. I finally let it go and didn't put anymore energy into it, and they were absolutely fine. Basically your fil/wife are missing out on a lot of your son's wife because they harbor ill feelings for the mil - the bottom line is that it is their choice, and you can't make yourself crazy by trying to please everyone. The only other suggestion I have is having an open line of communication - ie, always at least ask if there is something you could do differently to meet in the middle. Good luck!

C., You have so much you need to concentrate on. If they want to behave like children let them. As your husband said to plan it,then that's what you need to do. Enjoy the beautiful celebration. If they cannot bring themselves to for one day do this for their grandson, so be it. They sadly will miss out. Don't spend so much time and energy trying to fix what ultimately is in their hands to fix. You have blessings to be thankful for and being a new mom your energies should be focused on those. Your husband needs to step in and just matter of factly say to them, that you both want them at the celebration but only if they can be civil towards one one another for this one day. Tell them you will not be a part of their antics and it has to stop. Remind them that you are all family and the situation is what it is, but regardless you want peace in the family. Your husband should step in being that it's his family. You both need to united on this. Have a heart to heart and let him know how this is effecting you. Good Luck and I'd like to know how it works out.
p.s Congratulations on being a new Mommy!!

C.,
The only advice that I can give you is that I agree with your husband. Plan your celebration. If your inlaws do not want to be a part of it, it's their loss. You cannot and shouldn't plan you life around others, you will NEVER satisfy them or anyone else. You have a family of your own now and they are your priorities, worries and responsibilities. No one else. This is a celebration for you and those that love you and want to share in your happiness. Don't live your life around their do's and don'ts you'll never have a life of your own and won't be able to enjoy motherhood.
good luck.

Life is complicated enough without having family not getting along. You should not have two separate celebrations. Your time is precious. Follow what your husband says. Invite everyone to the same party. Whoever doesn't come it is their loss. Don't lose sleep over it.
I am a 60 yr old grandma and love family get togethers. My husband doesn't like get together celcebrations.Can't change the world and make everyone happy all the time.
I think if you keep inviting everyone and someone misses out they will eventually change or not. You have your hands full with your own family, your husband and your child. Enjoy them. Life is short.

K.

Ok so I am sure you have heard it all but here goes. Let the parents have their issues. You have to focus on that baby and it's just too bad that they can't get over their baggage for this new miracle. Let the people that want to come celebrate with you do so. My parents don't get along either. It's not easy but you have to use "tough love" sometimes ;)

I completely agree with Heather. Don't do two. You can't please everyone. You have been bending over backwards to please everyone and it's just not going to happen anyhow. It's on them. Invite them and if they choose not to come, so be it. They can see you and your baby other times without the mil if they like, they will just miss out on the big events, but it's their choice.
L.

Hi C.,

As frustrating as it may be for you, if you set too many parameters around when the grandparents can or can't see their grandchild, they may just stop trying. Yes, it may be inconvenient for you, but the point is that they are making the effort to have a relationship with their grandchild despite the bad blood between your fil and mil.

If the feelings are so hostile between them, do you really want them in the same room with your child?

My fil and mil are both remarried and the only time they were ever in the same room was for our wedding 9 years ago. Before that, it had been 20 years!

I think you should count your blessings that they make the effort. As much as we wish, we can only set boundaries - not make other people do what we want.

I hope that is helpful.

~Chris

what is a mil? I've never heard of that.

I'm sorry you have such a hard time with that situation.

I agree, making two sets of plans is hard on you.

I'd stick with one plan. If they want to miss out on the party because of "mil" then it's their decision not yours.
They can continue to make plans with you aside from that if they want, but make it their problem not yours. And don't let them make you feel guilty for trying to include everyone. That is the right thing to do. You can't control their decision to exclude someone from their life. And they should feel bad for making it harder on you. So I say just keep on including everyone to ONE gathering, and if they can't make it then oh well. You can't eliminate a family member or whoever mil is just to make them happy. Then you are leaving out another person, mil. That's not fair. Then it IS your problem.

It is their choice to exclude mil not yours. Don't make it your problem.

Sounds like they need to work it out between them, not you. You are simply in the middle. Try to let them work it out without you. NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You obviously love and want to include both, but you can't fix the problem between them, they have to do that.

I have similar situations in my family. I think many do. My oldest sis and second oldest are such opposites that they just try to avoid each other as much as possible. BUt that doesn't mean I have to avoid either of them, or plan parties around their differences. I let them feel however they want with each other and I make my plans to include them both. It's their own loss if they let their differences interfere with being able to be with me and visit with me and my family. That is their decision to deal with. Why make it my problem?
It's hard at times though. When one talks pourly about the other in front of me. I hear both sides. And I think they both are acting childishly. This coming from me, their youngest sister of four. I sometimes feel like the only mature one. I've got to thank them though for showing me great examples of what not to be like! ;)

LIve and learn from those around us and it makes us better people. (tell them to grow up!) ;) xo

since it is their choice, and they are choosing not to be around the mil, then the ball is in their court, it is on them to provide a social event where they can visit. Maybe they will take you out to dinner more often.

C.,
I too went through this with my husbands Mother and HER parents, what we did is pretty much what your Husband is saying, we host and event "in a neutral place" and every one gets invited, they can choose to be bigger people and come because they want to or they can be petty and miss out, really it's their choice and you and you will run your self ragged trying to make every one happy,. I know it's hard but really it's their issue and not yours. I wish I could be more helpful then that but we fought it for a long time, and finally learned you just can't please every one..

Best of luck, I know it's hard but take care of you and let them work out their own issues..

H.

Having a new baby is overwhelming enough. You don't need to be in charge of keeping the family peace as well. I have learned to take my husbands lead when it concerns his family. It keeps us united and he knows his family better than I.
Plan your events and without judgement, let them decide what they will or won't participate in. Sounds like this 'two business' is how they are comfortable. It's ok to just focus on you, your husband and your baby. The needs of the three of you are sacred and come first. Sounds like your little one was born to a very caring and considerate mother. Have fun with him.

Millions are in this situation, you are far from alone. If you haven't been a part of a divorce, you cannot possibly understand. My parents were divorced when I was 4. They both came to my wedding, of course, and graduation, but were never at any other of my "events" together. My oldest child is 26. Grandpa came to some of my kids events, Grandma came to others. Thats just the way it was. On top of that, their dad's parents were divorced, too, so that gave us an even bigger rotation. :0) Was it a big deal? No, because nobody made it a big deal. In this day and age I think it is unrealistic to expect everyone to be at every event all the time. I am divorced, and although I could be at a grandchild's birthday with my ex, I would prefer not to be. We are civil and we can be friendly, but it is an uncomfortable situation. Bottom line. Sounds like there is a bit more bad blood between your in-laws. Please don't make an issue of this. You are a first time mommy and want everything to be nice and happy, I completely understand. But please be realistic. Do not make it an issue of who is being childish by not coming when you invite everyone. A baptism happens once, I can understand inviting everyone to a baptism. But as for birthdays, holidays, etc, don't force someone not to come by always inviting both. Don't make Grandpa the bad guy because he chooses not to be around his ex. Switch off as I did my whole childhood, as my kids did, and all will be well. Enjoy your miracle child!