Several months before my husband's birthday I sent out an e-mail to all of my in-laws (mother, grandparents, sisters, aunts, cousins - in laws) about possibly going in together to get my husband an awesome gift for his 30th birthday. It was on the expensive side but something he has wanted for a long time. After a month or so without hearing anything back from anyone I resent the e-mail and tried to make calls personally. I never heard back from anyone regarding the gift. We ended up getting a bonus check that I used to purchase his gift and just let it drop. Now, three weeks after his birthday, his grandparents want to "go in" with me on the gift. He has already had the gift for three weeks but I never implied it was from anyone else except me because no one mentioned anything to me. We see them every week and every week for the last 3 weeks they have "forgotten their checkbook" but have stated that they wanted the gift to be from them too. How do I tell them they lost that chance politely. Other than the cursory phone call no one else in his family did anything for his birthday so I'm feeling a little used. Since it's my husband's family I really did expect them to take a greater part in this milestone birthday. I don't even want to explain the situation to my husband because I don't want him to get mad at his family.
Let them pay you if they want to and then just explain to hubby that they got in on it late, take that bonus money and go buy something else you guys want. If they pay you tell him so, if they dont pay you just let it go and you remain the sole gift giver. Hubby probably doesnt care one way or another.
Just smile and say "Oh, aren't you a dear - but his present has already been taken care of!". Then change the topic.
And just keep saying it - eventually they will drop the subject.
:)
May I suggest an alternative? To the grandparents, "I am so sorry. When I didn't hear from you I thought you may have had other plans for his gift, so I didn't include your names in the card. He is really interested in (some sort of accessory gift, I'm certain there has to be one.)"
Dear husband need not really know his family flaked.
They are his Grandparents and must be elderly. If they give you something accept it and say thank you and if not, let them keep forgetting their checkbook. When they do chip in, let your husband know, they have chipped in on his birthday gift and wanted to. But I would let it go at that. I would not tell them too bad, maybe they are waiting for the end of the month, but don't want to say so.
It doesn't sound like anyone has taken credit for anything. They are just offering to pitch in after the fact.
I would just tell them that the gift is bought and paid for and not to worry about it.
That's the truth. You found a way to pay for it. It's over.
Let it go.
My sister and I pitch in for things for our mom all the time, but it's something we talk about and agree on. Neither of us has ever picked out a gift and expected the other to pay half. We share in the entire process, including choosing the gift.
I don't know that you should have something in mind for your husband and hope others will help you buy it. It's not a horrible idea, but you have to be prepared for people not to be up for it.
Like I said, I would just tell them the gift was covered. No need for them to offer money.
Your husband got a gift he's happy with. He doesn't need to know any of the rest.
I would just let it go.
Why does it have to be too late?
Just tell them you will take their donation and place it in savings.. Your husband can then thank them for helping with the gift..
This has happened a few times in our family. I gladly took the money and my husband was happy to thank them for helping with his gift.
This actually also happened when our daughter graduated from high school. She was saving up for a laptop.. very top of the line with all of the bells and whistles.. We helped pay for a lot of it, but people started sending checks for the laptop, so daughter thanked all of them. We actually used the extra money for her other expenses..,,
Well, they haven't taken "credit" yet (your description didn't mention them telling your husband that they got it... they haven't, have they?), and I think whats the most important is that he got a gift he's been wanting a long time- not who gave it to him.
Honestly, I think it is SLIGHTLY improper to ask for someone (or multiple people- even if family) to get your husband a gift... It is different when/if they ASK you what you suggest. I've NEVER suggested anyone to get my husband or kids something for their birthday or Christmas, etc... I only say something if someone asks. I think it is improper etiquette. Even though you were trying to split the cost, it still sounds very presumptuous of you.
On the other hand, it would have been polite of them to respond a yes or no to the emails. What it sounds like to me is that they didn't want to get the gift, but after finding out that you already purchased the expensive gift they possibly felt bad and wanted to lighten your load on the cost- which, in the end is kinda nice. It IS annoying that they keep "forgetting" the check. I'm assuming they are kinda old however, seeing as they are your husband's grandparents.
I would just not mention it to the grandparents anymore or your husband. If you eventually get the money, I'd still thank them. The last thing I'd do was to get mad. I'd get a bit irritated at worst. I'd also probably count this as a "senior moment" of his grandparents.
I and my husband are going to be 30 soon (me, in two months- him in 3 months). Although 30 is a cool milestone, I personally don't expect my family or his family to make a bigger deal of it than any other birthday. It seems by that age it is more of a "friend" celebration... but that's just my perspective.
My husband got a kinect ( a $150 video game type system) for his 30th birthday, we bought it ourselves. A few weeks later, my mom gave us a $50 check and said, "It's to help with the cost of it". It was greatly appreciated and we thanked her generously.
She didn't come up with the idea, but the cash came in handy and helped with the cost. Your husband already knows the gift was from you. If the grandparent's want to contribute, even if it's late, let them. Also, I don't get my adult relatives things for their birthdays... and they don't for me either, aside from our parents. I honestly think it's a little odd that you expect a whole bunch of obscure relatives to go in on a gift. The idea is nice of course, but really, do you you all get gifts for all of your aunts/cousins/siblings...? It's great if you do, just something we don't do around here, on either side of my family. Sometimes, you have to choose your battles, this is one I wouldn't worry about. Really though, if you need to tell your husband, then do, it's not like it's a big secret or anything. If he gets mad at them, so be it.
I would just tell him that you had asked his grandparents a while back if they wanted to go in on the present. When you didn't hear from them you just bought it yourself. Now it turns out they did want to chip in something for it. You don't have to tell him that you put it out there to everyone and nobody wanted to do anything. Just make it like it was a communication mixup on their part or something. And then use the money she chips in for a nice night out for the 2 of you.
Simply say (with a smile), "We really wanted it to be a group gift but when I didn't hear from anyone with a monetary commitment, I decided to go ahead and make it happen all on my own. Don't worry about it." You can explain the same thing, gently and without recriminations, to your DH. Hopefully his only reaction is, "Thank you. I love you honey." Done.
Just tell them it's a nice gesture, but it's taken care of.
I've just never solicited funds/donations on a gift.
It was important to you, and you managed it without help and it turned out ok.
30 is important when it's you/your husband, but by the time you hit 50 (and/or over) 30 kind of pales with the other milestones that have gone by.
Maybe you can politely tell your in-laws, that since you didn't hear from them, you assumed they were doing something on their own, so you didn't tell your husband that they were part of the gift. If they still insist on going in on it, let them. There is no reason to cause conflict with your in-laws. It's not worth it and it may just put your husband in the middle and there is no need for that. However, I completely understand how you feel and my first instinct would be to tell them you snooze you lose.
Just tell them that since you hadn't heard they wanted to go in on the gift until after it was given, you had given the gift to your husband from you. Tell them that if they would like give your hubby a gift check for him to use for something else you are sure he would appreciate.
Personaly I would take the money. Yes it would have been nice of them to give it to you before hand. You can explain to your husband what sweet thing you tried to do getting everyone involved and that his grand parnets have decided to help. I would not trun away money unless you are just indapendantly welthy. Good luck with what ever you decide to do.
Personally I would just tell them that since they didnt think that they should let me know in advance an it has been 3 weeks its already a done deal. Thanks but no thanks. If it wasnt that important to them before hand then it shouldnt be now.
I'd just say something like, "Bummer I didn't know earlier! He already has the gift. Don't worry about getting him something else, though. He doesn't need too much!"
My husband's family doesn't do anything much for birthdays either, and with his 40th just passing, I think it was a little hard for him. That doesn't mean that I would just let them muscle in at the last minute either.
Good luck.
I say it depends on what the motivation is. If they are trying to give you money because they feel bad or are guilty since they didn't get him anything, then let them off the hook and tell them "truly, don't worry about it." However, if they really want to contribute and let this contribution be their gift, I would gladly take the money. Say thank you so much for helping, then you and your husband can use the money however you want- maybe even a date night with his grandparents "treating" you to the night out!
Does it really matter? You already paid for the gift, your hubby obviously knows it's from you. You thought about it, you bought it, etc. If he's grandparents at some point don't forget their checkbook. Graciously accept the gift of whatever amount of money. You can tell hubby that his grandparents just put in $X towards his gift. I'm guessing he knows how much it costs since he wanted it for a while, so he knows how much $X is in comparison to the gift. If they never put up any $$, then don't worry. If they do put up the $$, then just use it towards something else or towards paying off the gift if you financed it. It seems it's really not as big of a deal now, after the fact.
Never ask others to contribute to a personal purchase, if you cannot afford to purchase on your own, then pass and learn to live within your means. You and only you are responsible for your own happiness, don't blame others when you didn't "get what you wanted." If you are offered a contribution, take it and be grateful and give thanks where it is deserved. Don't judge others, you have no clue what their walk in life is costing them. Your post made you sound like a teenage, spoiled brat, I certainly hope that is not the case. I think you need to do some soul searching and attitude adjustments.
well I have a soft spot for grandparents :) and they aren't always on the same time frame as the younger people..... Ask yourself this.. are you not allowing them to give you that check out of spite because you are annoyed that they didn't get back to you OR because it's truly not a problem and you got the gift on your own and want to call it a day...
be very honest with yourself and then let your heart (not mind) guide you......
By now, I have to imagine that your husband understands his family really well and may not take as much offense or feel hurt as one might think.... and if his grandparents were slow in responding, is this the first time??
as always, you have to take into account peoples' history........ if someone is a procrastinator once, twice........... well they probably will be a third time as well.. and when it comes to grandparents... I just find that by a certain age, sometimes, people are who they are.. it's nothing personal.... but don't look for HUGE monumental changes... in other words.... you can't adapt the world to you, you have to adapt to the world....
wishing you the best
blessings
