In-Laws At Halloween

O.K.... what time do they plan to arrive? (Wouldn't it be great just to leave a half hour before they come and leave a note on the door explaining that you had other plans -- lol).

O.K., now for the reality... go to the $1 store and buy some Halloween dish towels. Hang them on every cupboard door. Set the table with everyone's name at the plate. Do you have a breakfast bar that's next to your table? Maybe the kids could sit there so they are closer to the table and feel included too? Then, have your husband or kids answer the door. You stay in the kitchen! Have treats out on the counter, and hot chocolate and/or apple cider hot on the stove. Tell everyone to help themselves and to find their seat. (You are in charge now). Tell your husband that he's not allowed to leave your side the whole night or you will refuse to have them over ever again! Or just simply state to your FIL that you appreciate his comments, but this is your house and your rules.

Do you put your 3 year old in a stroller or a wagon? (It makes it more fun for her and doesn't wear out her feet too). Have it all ready to go with a warm blanket and your coats. Tell everyone it's time to go and that you'll be in front and that they can follow. If you don't want your MIL to hand out candy, don't buy candy. Simply tell her, if she asks, that you didn't buy any this year because you didn't think anyone would be home to hand it out (or if you want to be a bit meaner: say that she should have bought some if she wanted to hand some out).

Best wishes to you! Try to have fun!! Make up your mind to do so, and have the action plan in place.

Everyone keeps giving you "I've been there" stories, and I've got some flooring stories about my ILs as well, but I have to ask WHERE is your husband in all of this?! Also-if he is there, is he blind? Is he just clueless on how they make you feel and why you asked to do things differently this year?
Time for a heart to heart with the man. My guess is that he is not even noticing and has no clue how you feel. Most guys don't get it unless you tell them! I could be wrong, maybe he is very aware and just doesn't want to rock the boat with his family or something, but if that's the case, he needs to know that you and his daughters are his family and should be his priority!

I'm guessing it's too late for any major changes this year with Halloween being only two days away, so I'll suggest something that someone else did-it's time for YOU to take charge! It is your house and your family and it should be running by your rules. Give specific directions and quit being afraid to stand up for yourself!
Once I started rolling with the attitude of "it's our house, our family, our rules", things changed with my ILs. Not everyone took the hint, but for the most part they did and it made things much more pleasant-at least on our end. I do things their way at their houses, I'm not sure why I didn't expect them to do things our way at our house.

See how it goes, and if it can possibly be worked out. Ask your husband to pay attention to specific things that hurt your feelings and bother you so that he is aware of what's going on. Make it a point to talk about how the night went -that night while it's still fresh, and start deciding about next year shortly thereafter so it's not the big mess.

Also-it may seem snarky, but go buy some more dish towels! Leave them on the kitchen counter with the tags on, so as soon as they get to the kitchen you can say "look! I got more dish towels!" Start out in charge right from the beginning. : )
Good Luck!

When you suggested going trick-or-treating at their houses, was it your husband who had the "how dare you..." attitude, or did it come from somebody else? It sounds like you need to sit down with hubby at a calm time (not when you're trying to make holiday decisions) at tell him how it makes you feel. Tell him that you feel belittled, unappreciated, and walked-over. Ask him to help support you. At the very least, if he expects you to have his family over, then tell him you expect HIM to entertain them and clean up.

One thing you might do, if your husband doesn't seem to 'get it' is pack up your kids and your candy and all the stuff you worked on for halloween (that is important to you) and go to your mom's/family's house (assuming they live nearby). You can even leave before they get there. Then you get to be in more control again! And maybe hubby will understand how much work it is for you to have his whole family over.

You complain about your in-laws "taking over", but then you say that you don't stay in the same room with them. It is YOUR house - YOU be in charge. Before they sit down at the table, let them know where they should sit. Rearrange the seating so it is not like it has been in the past. Set the table ahead of time. When they come in your kitchen, you be in charge; ask them to help you by cleaning something or making something. Call them ahead of time to let them know what the plan is. Say, "DH tells me you want to come over on Halloween. Why don't you come at 5pm and we'll leave for trick-or-treating at 6", even if this is what they planned to do anyway. Instead of being annoyed that your SIL is instructing the girls, YOU instruct them, or just let SIL know "hey, thanks but I've already discussed with them what they should do." Practice saying things like, "thanks for the suggestion, but we've decided to do this instead". Be gracious, but firm. And if someone told me I needed more dish towels, I would say, "I sure do - now you know what to get me for Christmas!".

You are really being taken advantage of and they'll never stop until you set some boundaries. Your husband, unfortunately is enabling their behavior and obviously taking his family's side against his own wife's. Very unhealthy, not only for your marriage, but for your children to watch as well. I strongly suggest counseling with your husband to get him on board and you have got to set some boundaries for yourself or you will spend the rest of your life as a doormat. Be true to yourself.

I know how you feel. I actually LOVE my in-laws, just don't like them coming over to our house because it's the same....they take over everything, give me "chores" to do in my own home, telling me I need to do this and that and exclaiming over the state of my lawn or how the curtains need to be washed...and then they start doing it and ordering me around. My husband knows they do this so I won't let them come over if he's not there because they don't do it in front of him (or at least not as bad). My MIL actually told our contractor not to worry about the place for the bathtub in our bathroom when we were fixing up the house to move in because she said we were going to put the washer and dryer there....we had been arguing for WEEKS with her because she insisted that I give up my dishwasher, my 2nd bathroom, or my bathtub for the washer and dryer, even though I told her we had another place for that. Her excuse was "I didn't have it that way in MY house". Thank goodness I heard her tell him that so I could say "oh yes you DO need to keep a place for the bathtub. The washer and dryer will NOT go there."

My advice is to anticipate anything that they will find unsatisfactory, or anything that they would normally take control of...and have it DONE. If they say you need more dishtowels every year, get some. If they always comment on how dusty it is, put the kids to work dusting before the in-laws come over. (with my in-laws it's the dust and vacuuming and where I have things stored in the kitchen or pantry) Have dinner ready, the table set, trick-or-treating stuff ready to go...that way there is nothing for them to take control of. If they insist someone sit with the children, say "that's a great idea. Whose turn is it this year?" If they still try to pawn it off on you, decide to be just as immature and act like it's a kindergarten class...put names in a hat (all but yours because you did it last year). Or you could have fun watching their faces when you say to your children "Who wants Grandpa to sit at the table with them??" Hard to turn down the kids when they get their hopes up! And if you don't like your MIL passing out the bags that YOU put the work in on....don't put the work in. Buy bags and candy and tell your MIL she is welcome to put them together or just hand out the candy without the bag.
I also liked the idea someone else had of inviting someone over as well...I have done that before too...they really are less rude in front of other people, plus you will be included because they are your friends/family.

S.,
I don't have any advice for you that hasn't already been said. But I am very curious to see how this turns outs! So be sure to post the conclusion. I will be thinking of you on Saturday and hoping that you are brave, confident, bold and smiling:)
Best luck
E.

How about delegating to them the second they walk in the door? instead of having your MIL take over passing out the candy, tell her, This year you are passing out the candy. This year you (to a SIL are going trick or treating with...)
even if you assign them to do the very things that irk you when they take over, you are asserting your control in your own home. and if they are doing it to be irksome they will not do it and you have the things back you wanted...or they will fall in and to the things BUT since you made the decisions of what would be done, then the decision is made. if you have dinner at your house, make place marks for everyone and mix the kids in with the adults so that there is no kid table. We never have had one in our family get togethers on my side.
Don't give them your power. You are obviously creative (musical theater?) its halloween, think of it as the performance of a lifetime...they are gracing your presence, you are the grand duchess, and these peasants have come to take care of the trivial things of the holiday. Whatever you can do to take yourself out of the mind game. Get it out of your head. and then start working with your husband for plans for next year. Setting up a progressive dinner with his family where you do trick or treat at their homes and travel to the different homes for dinner (all in your own cars very little time spent with the inlaws) get creative. you married the family, and yeah there probably needs to be some talk with your dh about standing up for you, and you taking some initiative yourself. 13 years is a lot of years to be changing so be patient with him, yourself and the process of it.
Getting to be part of my in Laws family has not been easy for me either. the dynamics of their family is so different from what I am used to. I put my foot down with my dh during out engagement, stand up for me or lets put this off until you can...turns out that having him stand up for me meant I was a controlling B****. So I hope it doesn't sound like I am just throwing out ideas without understanding to a degree what you are talking about.
Just remember that what they think, how they feel about you isn't nearly as important as how you feel about yourself. so don't let them make you feel bad. think about the past 13 years and the things you have hated about halloween and think of ideas you could do to combat the issues before they come up. like passing out assignments...just some thoughts.
Good luck.
we still don't have any plans, and my parents don't do anything for the holiday--could care less what their grandkids dress up like, they wouldn't come out to see us--I think they pass out candy only because they are so "proper" and social customs dictate that they do.
I guess, be thankful they love your kids and want to be involved in their lives--and then come up with a plan that helps you to end the night respecting yourself and getting a kick out of watching them scramble since you are changing things up a bit--

1-invite your parents/family over on the same night.
OR
2-Have a girls' night out with some of your friends.
OR
3-invite one of your friends over along with her kids
AND
4-deal with the fact that they'll be over every year on halloween. It could be worse. They could be staying at your house nonstop for 2 weeks :p

Get some festive movies to play all night. Watch movies and hand out candy. Less need to chat with movies running. Have $5 pizzas for dinner. No need to have a kid's table cuz if your kids are the only kids, they should behave just fine without an adult sitting with them--let your oldest daughter take care of the kid's for one night.

buy festive (halloween) dishtowels at the dollar store and give them to your inlaws as a gift.

you could even call them and ask them to pick up the candy or drinks or whatever on their way over...if you forgot or something ;)Say, "hey, we're having pepperoni pizza this year...so if you can think of anything that goes with it, you can bring that, too.

Even in-laws are more polite when they're in front of a house guest.

Hi S.,

I wish I had good advice for you but I'm afraid I don't. It's easy for me to say, "It's your house and you're part of the family, so you need to talk to your husband." Sounds like you have already tried that and it bums me out that your husband isn't getting your back. Did you explain how you feel? I don't have in-laws like that, so I don't know how I would handle it. It truly sounds miserable.

Do you like wine? :) Take two glasses Saturday night and let me know how it works. [works for me]

Good luck, and I hope this Halloween is less painful than prior ones.

Take care,
S.

Try calling before hand and suggesting that you would like to do halloween different . If you go out with the SIL be in charge of your kids. Sit down with the hubby and tell him how this makes you feel. Dont say anything negative about the family though. Sit at the adult table, you are one. If they say that someone needs to sit with the kids suggest someone else.Good luck lady. Dont let them walk all over you.

It may not help the situation but I would let your husband know that if he wants help with halloween this year you are going trick or treating without his family... it may not go over very well. Or you could just suck it up and deal with the once a year that it happens and move on, but it really sucks that halloween has to be ruined every year because of the in-laws... I think it my be too late this year to deal with the situation without a fight so you may need to plan for it better for next year. I hear ya, its the same with my family, I finally had to set some harsh boundaries and stick to them and let my husband know that his family is not allowed to treat me that way. Good luck. Happy Halloween!! <:O

S.,
I think we married into the same darn family lol. My FIL dont care for me much eather, I am lucky in that they are in another sate and I dont have to see them often. Belive me hun I feel your pain!! I think taking them to there house for a tick-or-treat is fair! I would have your hubby or even you (if they will speek to you) that you are sorry that they feel this way, but your hubby, the kids and you thought about trying something new this year. Its not that you are trying to cute them out of the fun. Maybe they coudl spend half a few hours with them at there house since it fall on a saturday. The kids want to see them and show them there outfits, and that your sorry that they dont want to take part..let you know if they change there minds. Or somthing like that.

I hope you hubby stands with you on this (mine want everone to be happy, but when that not going to happen he tends to side with his mom). But just dont let your in-laws take the fun out of this for you. Just go on with your plain to do trick-or-treat this way this year! Dont let them know that this bothers you. As another wise mommy (MY brouthers wife) once tolled me, there are some people inthis world that you jsut cant make happy no matter how hard you try, so do what is best for your family, and jsut not let them bother you!

Not sure if any of that helps or not, jsut know that I hear you!! Go have fun with your little one, and passing out the candy (one of my fave things to do too). If they do not want to take part in a new way this year thats ok...its on them NOT you. Hang in there hun!!
Best wishes!!

I so feel for you, S.. I don't want to go on about my in-laws, but let me just tell you a quick story. If nothing else it will make you realize you're not alone. Then I have some real advice! My in-laws live in AZ, and a few years ago my MIL said she feels so bad that she can't ever make my husband a birthday cake, so would it be o.k. if she ordered one from Dairy Queen, pay for it and everything I just need to pick it up. No problem I say. I pick it up and it says 'happy birthday' from 'them and my daughter'. I'm not on it at all. So she's asked every year since then and the answer has been no thanks.

Anyway, it's a tough situation for you- you're trying to make everyone happy. Unfortunately you seem to be at the bottom of the list. My advice is this- number one, have specific boundaries/expectations in mind. Don't just think or say 'I'm not going to let them push me around or make all the decisions'. Be specific. They may come, but you will take your daughter trick or treating ALONE, or whatever limits you think are appropriate. Number two, if you decide it's time to take a stand and expect your husband to back you up, be prepared for the consequences. Are you ready to handle the fallout from this? If you insist he be willing to side with you even when this means saying no to his parents and he is unwilling or unable to do this, then what? I just don't want to see you in a fight with your husband or having a strain on your marriage that you might not have been prepared for.

I generally don't care for Dr. Phil, but one thing he says that I love is- 'you teach people how to treat you'. I believe this is true. With baby steps and some careful planning, you can teach your in-laws to treat you better!

Good luck. At the very least, find a way to carve out some private time with your kids to have some fun Halloween memories.

I would just let them know that you decided to trick or treat at other houses and not bring everyone over this year. You don't have to explain, just let them know. It's your house and your experience with your kids, so they shouldn't be allowed to dictate, especially when it's so unpleasant. Your husband's support in this is very important.

I think you got some great advice (I really liked Deborah, Ellen, Nan, and Diane's advice) and wanted to wish you luck. If your in-laws are complainers and controllers, you can either take a stand or deal with it. I have some struggles with my in-laws too and like you don't know how to deal with them yet. I don't know if my husband is even aware of my frustrastion so your's may be in the dark as well. I have learned with my in-laws (and my husband in fact) that I just have to say what I want done and deal with the consequences. Be strong if you have the energy or deal with this Halloween and make changes in the future. I'll be thinking about and praying for you; hang in there!

M. P (in Colorado)

Your husband really needs to support you in this. Tell him that if he isn't willing to take the stand he at least needs to support you if you are. Call them up and tell them that you just heard from your husband that they were planning to come over, but that you and the girls had already made other plans. Those plans could accommodate you visiting them, if they are interested.
Even if you don't do this, take the other advice, and take control of your house. Buying extra dishtowels is a small thing to shut them up, any other comments, tell them to suggest it to your husband (if he is out of the room), and if they don't, repeat it for him when he walks in. When your MIL tries to hand out the candy, thank her, but let her know that you worked really hard on those bags and will be handing it out yourself. When it is time to trick or treat, let them know that you and your girls are going, and others can come if they wish. Make sure your girls know the "rules", and stop your SIL before she gives more advice, let her know that you have already gone over everything.
I know that this is only once a year, but that doesn't mean that they should ruin a holiday for you. Be ready to put your foot down, even if it is only for certain things. You may be okay with certain things, but know what you won't put up with (candy, SIL rules, kicking you out of your kitchen). If you have to prepare, prepare. Either do a simple dinner or have it all prepped so that you can tell them that you have it taken care of and they can go sit down. And I really like the mixing the kids with the adults. The 12, and 8 year old are definitely old enough to be at the regular table, and you can have your 3 year old next to you or your husband.
Good luck.