In-laws and Extended Family Gatherings

A.-

You've gotten a lot of good advice on how to handle the bigger gatherings. I've got another suggestion, build intimacy by hosting, or by helping, or by meeting up with smaller segments of the family.

Make lemonade with your girls and go over to the aunt and uncle. Have the under threes and a cousin over for a run through your sprinklers with your kids. get your nails done with a cousin. bring over pizza, a bottle of wine and a fam friendly movie.

foster togetherness and commonalities.

My family can operate much like your husband's, a lot of people all gathered together, a lot of food and activity, but the conversation doesn't necessarily have much depth. It might not be what you would prefer, but it is OK.

Best,
F. B.

If they do not talk to you, then you talk to them. Ask how their kids are doing and if they brought a dish to share compliment on it and ask for the recepie. Try to complement them and that will usually start a conversaiton. Ask howthey keep their hair so gorgeous, or if they have any recepies or places that would be good for the kids that they would recomend. If this does not work you could try scrap booking family get to gethers and bring the last book to the gathering. If they still do not talk to you then you can ask them if they want to come over for lunch some time and if after they want to go to the park and let the kids hang out. I hoe this helped.:)

My husband's family is very large, and I've noticed the focus at gatherings usually shifts towards the youngest kids/families. And why not? Babies and toddlers and young children are more fun than sulky teenagers.
I get along well with them, but sometimes I too feel bored or just left out. I keep myself busy helping in the kitchen and taking pictures of everyone. Having a camera in hand both gives you something to do, and it lets you participate without sitting down trying to force a conversation. And everyone loves it when I share the photos online.
Honestly, my husband HATES it when we gather with my family (and I understand why) but he gets that we are married and we come as a team, so we continue to go to each others' events as a united unit.
If you REALLY can't connect at all then just bring a book or some magazines to look at or something. Maybe you can strike up a conversation over local news or the latest celebrity gossip.

You just need to master small talk and chit chat.
Weather/traffic/recipes are fine topics - everyone has something to say about them.
Listening is as important as talking.
When they ask how you feel - keep it short but follow up with "How have you been?" and give them a chance to respond.
If left in a corner, make your way to the snacks/buffet and comment on your favorite dishes.
"Martha, these stuffed mushrooms are delicious! You must give me the recipe!".
Don't be afraid to throw your own parties and invite your own friends.
You can invite the cousins every so often but let them see your life doesn't revolve around them.

I don't know about these family gatherings but in ours everyone is up working, getting the food going and on the table, kids watched, cleaning up after the meal, etc....if you're sitting by hubby and stayed separate from everyone else you're basically saying, with your actions, that you don't want to be part of the family and to leave you alone.

You have to get up and get involved. Go hang out with the other mom's, the cousins, the other family members. Just go in the kitchen and see what needs to be done.

If you don't participate with them then they don't think you're worth their time. They've been around you for how long now? I'd say it's time to get off the seat beside hubby and go make friends.

I had an uncle when I was growing up that I always felt sorry for. He had married my father's sister and they would come for holidays. He would sit there, not really participating in conversations. So I would go to him and try to talk, but holding a conversation with him was such a chore! I'd ask a question, he'd answer, I'd come up with another question, he'd answer... There was never any give and take. I had to do all the work. When he would ask questions, it was awkward, Inappropriate things like, "so, when you getting married?" when I wasn't even dating anyone. It became clear why he sat alone, I started to dread when he would come because I felt sad he was sitting alone, but I didn't want to be the one to have to fix it.

Might you be an uncle Jim? Are you putting yourself out there? Are you making the conversation easy and fun? Or are you sitting there waiting for someone to notice you? It kinda sounds like the latter from your post.

Eta: you are getting advice on how to fit in better because that's the advice you asked for. Becoming MORE antisocial will only make the problem worse. If that is your goal, read a book or stop showing up at all. It already sounds like you are being rather antisocial.

It seems like you've gotten a lot of responses giving you tips about how to "fit in" better. But have you talked to your husband about taking a break? Have one holiday celebration where it's just you, your husband & your kids. I think that's reasonable since all celebrations are with your husband's family. We have 5 kids and we usually host our extended families for the holidays (believe it or not, for me, it's easier to cook for 20 than travel with 5!). When I was pregnant with our youngest, my due date was a few days after Thanksgiving. We told our families that our lives were about to become very busy and we needed a holiday with just us & the kids. I told my family - my husband told his. (Your husband should be the one to tell his family.) Everyone understood and we had a wonderful holiday. My advice would be to take a break. Celebrate with your husband and kids. Life is too short. Celebrations are meant to be enjoyed, not dreaded!
Take care,
T. Y
SAHM of 5
(13, 12, 6, 4, & 2)

Where is your husband's mother in all this? Is she around? If so, your children should at least be more important to her than the cousins' kids. Maybe she can help encourage the others to participate again.

I also wonder if it's possible that you're subconsciously sending out a bad vibe. You probably have bad expectations before the event, based on recent history, so you might seem grumpy or something to them, even if you think you're trying your hardest. Maybe if you try to pump yourself up before the event and plan to have a good time, things will be better.

What happens when you take an interest in the cousins' kids? If you ask about their activities (if they have any at such a young age), maybe the cousins will be more chatty.

Do they decline invitations when you tell them about dance recitals and birthday parties? Continue inviting them, but also invite them just to hang out for the day when there isn't a special occasion. Make plans to go out to dinner or to take the kids to the park.

Finally, as much as it hurts, it is understandable that the aunt and uncle would be more invested in their grandchildren than in their nephew's children. I know it must be hard after years of having them so involved, but I think it's a pretty typical family dynamic. Not so for your husband's grandfather, as he should love them all equally, but likely true for the aunt and uncle.

I hope it gets better.

it can be tough to break into an already-formed family group, especially if you're not naturally gregarious. it sounds as if you need some go-to conversation starters, as many of us introverts do.
other than the weather.
the absolute best way to make people think you are a brilliant person is to ask them to talk about themselves, and then listen while they do. it can, of course, get you into situations where you want to gouge out your own eyeballs while a narcissist yammers on and on about herself, but often you can discover surprising commonalities and points of interest that you can build on. if nothing else, his family will think you're a sweetheart.
you may need to boomerang a little, and it works best one-on-one. so while aunt ida is getting her second helping of potato salad, a smile and 'that necklace is so interesting. is it celtic knotwork?' and then let her go. if she gives you a short answer and turns away, don't pursue her, but also don't retreat in a funk. uncle peabody may be examining a tomato plant, so 'i'd love to start a garden but i have the worst black thumb! are you any good at it?' might start him off. make sure you ask a question, and that the question is about them.
what do you reply to their 'how you doing?' if all you give them is 'fine, thanks', you've given them nowhere to go. try 'great, thanks! and you're looking pretty spiffy yourself. new haircut?'
rather than pursuing the cousins and trying to 'fix it', just show interest in them.
if nothing else works, you can always just stay away, or bring a book. just know that things won't ever get on track. sometimes that's okay. but if you want it work, you've got to put effort into it. you'll never generate interest by just sitting and listening passively.
khairete
S.

Make an appearance, stay for dinner then make an excuse to leave. The kids have homework, it's past their bedtime, I have work to finish etc.

Tell hubby you will only stay for an alotted amount of time 3 hours then you and the kids are going home or to a movie or any where but where you do not feel welcome.

just take a book or a kindle and find a quiet corner. they will either continue to ignore you, or ask what you are reading.

You can either start your own gatherings, with other people or continue this. If you continue, bring along a book to read ( you have to study, book club, whatever, or a device such as a laptop, computer,something to do!!) we all make sacrifices when we are married and oftentimes we just have to work around it. It is true there are occasions where there are not friendly family members, but sure you have a hobby or something that can make YOU happy Life is about making ourselves content no matter the situation.

Have you asked your parents-in-law why no one wants to talk to you when you come over? Do you have anything to lose by asking?

If this doesn't work and you are still the outsider, perhaps you should just go do something else and not bother to go. Your husband may not like it, but it might actually wake his family up to the fact that they are not loving to you.

Honestly, I'd stop trying. Bring you Kindle or something to read, and if no one wants to talk to you, whip it out and entertain yourself.
Many may read that say that it's rude, but it's also rude not to include you. So if you have to go, and cannot decide to sit these out completely (your hubby could take the kids), bring something to do yourself.

And if someone says something to you, you can kindly respond that you've tried and it just seems doesn't seem like you have much to offer to the conversation. That will either spur them to include you, or them to acknowledge that and leave you alone.
(And yes, I have 100% done this. In my family, they're all good with it when it's reminiscing time and I have nothing to offer.)