In-laws... - Saint Charles,IL

Remember the 10 year rule ~ will this really matter ten years from now, or will it be a shared family memory, told with a few chuckles?

Just happily tell them your plans and invite them.

And Sheila's 19th century advice about keeping your mouth shut to make your husband happy is absurd. There's nothing wrong with telling your in-laws that you have different plans.

There's a fine line between being agreeable and being a doormat.

I learned to stick up a long time ago from my manipulative, conniving,over-bearing MIL who, interestingly enough, is also from Iowa. I finally put my foot down one evening, told my husband how I felt about his mother and he stuck with me and supported my requests 100%. You must realize that no matter what, you are the "gatekeeper" to your son. They must "behave" to YOUR standards because guess what? If they don't, they won't get to see their grandson as often as they would like. I bet my MIL is kicking herself right now for thinking that I was a pushover and she could take complete control over her son's family's life!!!!!

You don't have to complain about his parents. Just calmly tell them what a wonderful sounding plan they have made and how much you appreciate them coming for the weekend. But, unfortunately, their plan won't work out because you've already made another plan. Sympathize with your husband for feeling in the middle, but let him know how much you would appreciate his support with his folks because if you don't establish some limits now, they will continue this sort of thing forever and you really love his parents and want to make sure you can always have a wonderful relationship with them without feeling resentful. Be nice but firm and good luck.

Invite xy&z to the luncheon on SATURDAY. this YOUR family decision.

Your in-laws probably just assumed you would be having the party on Sunday. Just call them up apologetically and tell them you already have plans in place for both days-and it conflicts with their plans. Err on the side of 'assuming the best' (instead of the worst) of this...and chances are they will change their plans. If they insist on their original plans just tell them they can celebrate with your son for breakfast on Saturday before they leave for their visits. Have your husband handle it if it gets 'ugly' - and if you come at it with the right attitude, he should be willing to back you up. Nothing gets my husband's 'goat' more than his family assuming they know more than we do (and 2 of his siblings don't have kids!).

If you give in to their "requests" they will continue to do this. Have your husband tell them your plans and that if there is time in the evening then the other relatives could come by to visit or something like that.

My advice is a little redundant. Don't change your plans-you have your reasons for planning it the way. The most important part of that is the nap. My daugther doesn't nap anymore (just turned 3) but when she did our lives revolved around that nap. She wasn't fun to be around, she didn't have fun-I'm sure your son is the same way. Stick to your guns, in a very nice respectful way, otherwise nobody is going to have fun for his birthday. How about inviting the relatives your MIL wants to visit? Good luck.

C.

Sorry you have to deal with this!! Honestly though, because you do have more events in both you and your husband's life and your son's I would explain again that you already have plans. If you don't make it clear that you and your husband will make the decisions regarding your son now you will have to deal with situations like this in the future. Trust me on this one, I too have a very close family member who likes to dictate what my family will do and how we will do it! It took me a long time to put my foot down, but now that I have I know that things are the way I want them. I have one daughter and this is my only chance to do it my way. They have put you in a difficult place, just as nicely as possible explain how things are going to be and they are more than welcome to be a part of your plans. Good luck and remember: deep breaths and smile, its hard to get too angry if you are yelling, I mean talking with a smile!!

Oh Courtney, I am so sorry! It's not worth it to have it out with your hubby over this. Don't feel guilty or angry. You need to call the in-laws and politely let them know that you have already planned the whole weekend and that they are welcome to come along with you on all of it, but you and your family have been looking forward to this for a long time and are not changing any plans. Just be firm and polite without putting your hubby in the middle.

Good Luck and Happy Birthday to your little man!

I agree with everyone who said don't change your plans, Nip it in the bud now because your in-laws will continue to think it's ok to do that every time .It's amazing how rude and disrespectful people can be . I know , my inlaws are even worse ,trust me. Have a great time at the bday party!

tell them you appreciate their interest, but you have things covered. do not let them run over you. I had in-law issues and it made things akward, but stand up for yourself now, because if you don't, you will be trapped permanently!

Hi Courtney Don't change your plans for your son's birthday party. If your in-laws wants to make plans with other relatives that fine. I think that's so rude to just take over everything. And your husband should understand. If not have his party without him!!!! Because if you let it slide this time, there's no telling what they will try next.

It doesn't sound like they understood your plans ahead of time and since they travel all the way there (and lucky you, they will leave and go back), and your son is only two,(I see more parties in your future).So let me tell you ancient words of advice from woman fifty two years old. You will remain married sixty plus years to amazing man if you keep thy mouth shut and man will like you bbeery much.Thus I have spoken. And then write us afterwards. As I am sure you will need to vent more!(Oh and if you didn't mail the invitations then hang onto them-you can always have a half birthday party, a party next year or some other time-white out works wonders). Now if you have mailed them get out the boxing gloves!!! No, just explain it, they sound pushy not unreasonable.

Right away I would have said to them "Oh I'm sorry but I guess I didn't tell you we're having his birthday celebration on Saturday." And I would have waited for a response. Since you didn't do that immediately, I think you could call them and say "I'm sorry I didn't know what to say and didn't want to spoil your plans but we already have his birthday party planned for Saturday. We'll be happy to go visit the relatives with you another time when you're up, but this weekend is booked." Say it politely. You don't have to change your plans for them, but don't be offended by what they did. Perhaps you didn't communicate clearly to them that Saturday was all planned out.

Your in-laws can spend Saturday with relatives and you can have your birthday plans with your son. Politely say that their "plans" won't work for your family. You don't even owe them an explanation as to why they won't work.

Oh, and the advice from the lady who said "Shut your mouth and your man will like you very much."? That almost made me sick. Don't listen to her. I feel bad for her!

Oh, and as the mommy, it IS your weekend! Birthday's are special and you know exactly what would make it special for your son! Don't make the weekend about making the extended family feel special. It's not about them! ;)

Have a WONDERFUL weekend!

Um, no great advice, but I'd try to have your plans first. If you have time in the day to squeeze in a visit, great.
Are they coming to visit again around Christmas? That would be a great time to catch up with family instead of trying to get it all done on saturday.

Or simply tell them, you already made plans, would like them to join you, and then let them know your times, so they can visit who they want to see and rejoin you when it's time to go.

Two years old is very young, and he will only enjoy so much of his day. If he is carted all over the place he is going to be tired and cranky, and so will you.

Your little guy has a lot of holidays ahead, and grandparents will want to share them. So, plan ahead when you know they will be involved. If they try to do this, you need to just tell them that is too much for him right now, and that you had plans already. Don't tell them you are disappointed, but you may imply it. Do they think they are doing you a favor, or helping you? They may have the best intentions, it just doesn't fit your schedule this time, and it's not really fair to just expect it without asking.

My in-laws are great, but even when they mean well sometimes, it just doesn't float my boat. We live 2 hours away from both our families, so every holiday is about managing the running around. We are the ones that "go to".

good luck

Ugh, how frustrating! My youngest just turned two a few weeks ago, and, not to say that your in-laws have the right to take over the festivities planning, but my best advice is to tell you that your son has no idea when his birthday is, so if you go to the train cafe the following weekend to celebrate his birthday, it would make no difference- he still loves the place!

Hi Courtney-
I really for you in this situation. Venting here is better than to your hubby. He should be more receptive to you then, when discussing the situation. I am sure everyone has said to keep your plans. Please do! And then maybe discuss with his parents, some alternatives to trying to incorporate some of their plans with your weekend. My in-law's are sweet, but sometimes over think things. I will give them the game plan, then they try to change it 20 different ways, and then come back around to my way of plans. It's sometimes annoying, but I have tried to remember their hearts are hopefully in the right place. I pray that is the situation, and you are not dealing with the controlling type ( I get that from my side actually...LOL). Just think it thru and then proceed. Good Luck!!

I'm with the majority here...just politely explain the party will be on Saturday and that should be the end of it. When I was marrying my first husband we planned to go away to a tropical island, just the two of us, and then have our reception when we returned home. We had our reasons for wanting to do it that way, but his mom suddenly informed us that she was coming with us! The panic started setting in since if she came then my parents should be there and with all the broken families and step parents it could have been a real mess. I just politely told her that I was sorry but it was just going to be the two of us as that's how we wanted to spend our special day and she let it go. Hopefully your in-laws will be understanding and not make a big deal out of it. I do agree you should have said something right away, but it's still not too late!

Politely (if possible) tell them youve already made all the bday plans for saturday and have church on sunday, so their agenda isnt going to work. DO NOT change your plans for them. I have a MIL that does stuff like that and if you give in, it just gets worse. Stand your ground. You are lucky they live far away!!! Do not let them run your party or anything else.

Ok, your in-laws are totally out of line here. Quite honestly, I would tell them immediately that you wish they had talked to you about this before they came. Tell them what the party plans are and say that it is all arranged, other people have been invited, reservations have been made (don't know if the Choo-Choo Cafe even takes reservations, lol, but tell them anyway!) and that you're very sorry, but they must have misunderstood you, because the party is absolutely on SATURDAY.

If you say they must have 'misunderstood' you, it is a polite way of calling them out on their attitude, without being too aggressive. Give them the party schedule and suggest that they meet with their other relatives on Sunday. As for them adding to the guest list- if you feel like these are relatives you might want to invite, that's fine. But if not ( and since you didn't invite them in the first place, I am thinking NOT) then just inform your in-laws politely that you really have as many people coming to the party as you can handle. Suggest a nice restaurant nearby and possibly your in-laws could meet their friends or family afterwards for a nice adult dinner?

Be polite, but firm. If they get upset, tell them you would certainly have TRIED to accommodate what they wanted to do and who they wanted to see- IF THEY HAD JUST LET YOU KNOW AHEAD OF TIME- so you could make plans then.

hopefully they will get the idea and this issue will not come up for any future parties!!

Let me preface by saying I sympathize with the whole annoying, controlling in-law thing. Because it's the holidays, I would fib - say I have to work on Sunday & I put a deposit on this train place for Saturday and can't get the money back or something. Passive-aggressive, I know, but it may buy you some peace for now.

Courtney,

They can't and have no right to plan your son's birthday. They probably thought the were being helpful or just kind of overstepped their boundaries. You have every right to call them and politely let them know that plans have already been made by you and your husband for your son's birthday and these are the plans already in place. And that you do have to work at church on Sunday so a luncheon at your house is not possible as you did not make arrangements for your duties at church to be done by someone else. And maybe, since the seem so to want to be in charge of something - give them something to be in charge of - like helping pick out a cake or something. It really sounds like they want everyone at your house on Sunday so they can get all their visiting in on Sunday and not have to go anywhere else.

I was in your shoes once. Right before I got married I was having in-law issues similar to your situation. I got the best advice...don't start giving in to your in-laws because once that starts they are never satisfied & it will get worse. And it did. I finally had to take a stand. There were some arguments with my husband, but he soon realized we had to have a united front. Simply, tell your in-laws you already have plans & they are more than welcome to attend. You can tag a long with them to visit realtives some other time as long as they give you a heads up first. They are being inconsiderate if they expect for you to cancel your celebration.

All I would say is "I'm sorry we have plans on Saturday that is the day of his party and say I'm sure you would want to be there too. If you still wish to keep your time with your friends we could still have a small cake after supper Sunday so you can celebrate with him too."

Politely let them know that the party has already been planned for Saturday and you are going someplace that your son the birthday boy really loves. Sunday is your day of worship and nobody will upstage GOD and they are welcome to come worship with you. Let them know that in this economy xy&z can come if they pay their own bill since your 2 year old probably doesn't know them anyway. I pray that when I become an in-law I don't try to take over. Send out your invitations for the party you know your son will enjoy. You know him better than they do anyway. They need to learn to respect the fact that their son is grown and has a grown wife that is capable of planning a birthday party for their 2 year old son that just happens to be their grandson.

what are your husband's thoughts? I would recommend that you play off what he feels as to trying to keep the peace. Sounds like there was NO communication on both sides as to what expectations for the birthday or for the visit. However I totally understand how you feel and the fact that you just want to scream and I believe you are totally justified!!! But for the sake of family harmony and if you do not have to call people back that you may have invited to your son's "bday party" I would recommend that you go with the flow. However that being said you could still nicely say to your in-laws that you wish they had informed you of their intentions sooner because you promised your son that you would take him to his favorite restaurant for his bday and that thank God he is young and therefore he probably won't remember therefore won't be as disappointed. Good luck and happy bday to your little man. Remember breath and smile.

Hi no great advise for this time, but I've found that being the more planful person gets me what I want. I always send out "official" invitations to my kids birthday parties 6 weeke in advance, even if it's just family. Also, when we visit family out of state, I like to email them well in advance with our plans for the trip so they can make their plans accordingly, or we can compromise together.

In the future, I'd try being more planful. This time I'd try to roll with it - having the extra family there may be nice. Maybe suggest to your MIL that the "late-lunch" party start when nap time is over, so that everyone can enjoy their time together without an overtired toddler on the loose.

Otherwise, you may find with all the visitors (and toddler entertainers) as well as the excitment of having so many people over for his birthday, nap time may not be as missed as you expect. You don't have to miss out on the train activity either, make it a big deal for the next weekend - now that he is TWO whole years old, M. and Daddy want to take him to do something fun together and suprise him.

Good luck :)

I haven't read the other responses, so I just want to tell you -- you are not wrong for wanting to do your son's bday your own way. Your husband needs to tell his parents that your son's birthday is already planned. They are invited to join you on Sat. for your original plan, or they can do what they want to do without you and your family. If they choose to go visiting on Sat, maybe you can compromise by having a small celebration with just you, husband, son and your husband's parents. They don't get to tell you who to invite or when to have it.

Without knowing your ILs, it's hard to say how they will react to this. If they are just excited and doing the common mistake of forgetting that their son is an adult, then it won't be too much of a problem. If they routinely act entitled and treat you like a surrogate to "their grandchild" then this will be the first of many battles, so it's better to stand up for yourself now than to let them take over and have them expect that's how it will always be. If you want to vent about IL issues, I love www.motherinlawstories.com. You can post this story there to get a lot of advice or go there to read stories from people with relatives who are way worse than yours (which always makes me feel better about my situation).

They are over-stepping their boundaries, bottom line. It's your child, his weekend not theirs and since he's too little to have a say so, you get it not them. If it causes a problem, oh well. Don't do what they want and regret it later that his birthday wasn't how you felt it should be. We all need to vent and it makes us all feel better knowing we aren't the only ones with issues! Happy Birthday little guy!

hello, I'm sure your in laws have no idea about how your life is, because they live so far away...you should just tell them you have a different day planned and you would like to stick to them...they will have to take a rain check on the other and if they want to see xyz they have to do it some other time...this is your little man's day, not theirs...I have no in laws or parents anymore, but I'm a parent and I would never think of making arrangements for my adult children...I go along with their program always...when I do have a gathering they go with my wishes too. I pray that all works out well for you and your family. God bless you with His grace. Love J.

I haven't read your responses, but if it was me I would inform them that due to son's bday on Saturday we have xyz planned. If they would like to come we would love to have them. Otherwise they can see the relatives and we will meet with them afterwords. As far as the luncheon goes... I would inform them we have church to attend until 12 and then we could have a lunch while son naps. (not a bday lunch b/c you already celebrated his bday saturday.)
WHile I understand they are coming from Iowa, you still have your say. Why are they coming anyway? For your son's bday, or to see relatives? And if both- then suggest they see the relatives Friday nad/or Sunday so they can spend Saturday with your family for your son's bday.

Courtney, I'd agree. What your in-laws did wasn't right, they should have asked if it was OK, but they probably had no idea it would upset you. Maybe you could grin and bear it but then have your own special day with yourself, your husband and son. Trust me, it won't be the last time this will happen. It would be best if your husband could talk with them about this rather than have it come from you.

Courtney,
I have not read any of the other responses here, but I would say stick to YOUR PLAN, ask your hubby to back you up. The grandma can call the relatives and plan an event on Sunday morning(brunch) or Saturday evening. It should not take too long to go to the train place so there will be more time in the day on Saturday right? Let you mother-in-law pay for a dinner somewhere involving her relatives. If you let her run the show now....she will always thinks she can control you. If your hubby does not have the ba*** to confront his mother, than you are going to have to. I would try to talk to her without anger though and just say that these plans are set, and that is what YOUR SON WANTS TO DO ON HIS BIRTHDAY! I am sure the other relatives will not care. I would make sure you say to her, "next time, can we talk about plans before you make them when you are visiting us?".
P.S. a little white lie won't hurt here...say you already sent the invitations out... Good Luck!

I understand.....I don't have a problem with my N-Laws, but that is kinda rude of them. What if you ready don't want "XYZ" at your son's birthday celebration. It seems as if these new plans are for them, and not your Son's Birtday. Good Luck and make sure your son has great time, no matter what.

You will be a MIL some day yourself.

Just put yourself in their shoes. She was his Mom once, just like you are your son's Mom, and ultimately, your ah-ha moment will come when you find yourself in a similar situation.

If it wasn't for her, you wouldn't have your husband or your son either.

Good you vented this way. Find Joy and go with the flow of this wonderful time of Love and Family.

Those are my words of wisdom from a Mom who was in your place and now in "HER" place.

Are we the same person? I guess not, because I have a daughter and she just turned one. But I also work at a church each Sunday until noon or one, and I also just had a similar situation with my in-laws making the plans for my daughter's birthday. After spending years trying to work "with" these people and having them do whatever they wanted to anyway, I've learned to just speak up and say no. So here's what my response would be... "You know what, we thought about your suggestion for this weekend, and it's just not going to work for us. We're going to celebrate his birthday on Saturday because it just makes more sense for us. The party is at x time. Hope you can fit it in around your schedule, because we'd really love to have you there. Either way, we're looking forward to seeing you this weekend."

Good luck with everything! My kids love Too-Toots, also. It is their all time favorite restaurant and my inlaws usually take them there. :)

Courtney,

Remember, your in-laws are from out of town and probably want to see other people; however, give them the time the party will start on Saturday...ignore their invites for other people. If they don't show up, give them the left overs and cake from the party on Sunday. Tell them that you have to work on Sunday, and the day of the party is not negotiable.

I have an idea. Why don't you tell your in-laws that you've already made plans for YOUR sons birthday party. Here they are: Saturday you are taking the train to GE and having lunch at Two Toots as a special birthday treat. (Of course they are invited, right?) Then back to the house... and whatever. YOU are the mom. No apologies. This is how it's going to be. They really can't expect to come in and take over. And your hubby should really back you up. I think they just need to be told that you have the weekend planned already. Don't back down. Good luck and have fun. (Toot! Toot!)

My 2 cents...I think the in-laws were out of line & that your husband should advise them that the party has already been planned & let them know what the plans are. End of story.

However, I'm sure it won't be that easy.

GOOD LUCK!!

You need to lay down the law because this is YOUR house and YOUR son. Explain to them firmly that you have already made plans for his birthday and changing them really will not work for you. Give her the reasons Sundays are bad for you as you listed. Don't let her bully you and don't ask your husband. He will be resentful because they are his parents you're dealing with. It doesn't have to be huge drama but let them know your thoughts on this sooner than later. I have difficult in-laws who insist on their own ways often so I totally get it. Good luck!!