My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years, we have a 3 1/2 girl, and a 16 mo boy. Sounds great right?! well The little girl is from my husbands previous marriage and his ex wife left when the little girl was 4 months old. Since then, she has seen the little girl only a few times and her parents have grandparent's rights. I have been mommy since she was 12 months old. In december her biological mother came to visit while our little girl was with her grandparents and we didn't know about it until later. Well about three weeks ago, my daughter came home and said "ANN" (not her real name) works at wal mart. We called the grandparents only to find out that her biological mother was living with them because she was having problems with her husband(who she married october 05, and left my husband for) and had been there for "a while". I was pretty upset, because while I have managed to build a great realtionship, or so I thought, with these people I feel like they have stabbed me in the back. This afternoon, my husband called to see if they were going to let our daughter stay with us for mother's day, and they said they didn't know. Since ANN didn't know if she was going to stay that long, they haven't decided. But they will CONSIDER letting ANN and I SPLIT the day. I was LIVID! I have been taking care of this little girl since she was barely a year old, I love her like my own and there's nothing I wouldnt do for her, she is my heart, my whole life. Her grandfather then had the audacity to say that they "appreciated the bond that we share". I felt like it was a slap in the face, before now, they said they absolutely considered me her mother, and that ANN was just going to be another person that loved her. I have a horrible feeling that all of this is going to get worse, and to make matters worse, we haven't spoken to ANN since July of 2005, when SHE WAS ASKING TO GIVE UP HER RIGHTS! This was not the first time she asked my husband if she could sign over her rights. I don't understand, what this woman is thinking. My husband and I have decided to contact an attorney to see about terminating her rights and me adopting her. If anyone has any advice or words of wisdom, I'm all ears.
I do not want to take ANNE out of her life, and I don't want ANNE to not see her, but I don't want someone taking my daughter away from me. I really think apart of me would die if I lost her. I just want whats best for her, and I am trying so hard to give that her, but I feel like I can't when the other side of this is keeping things from my husband and I.
Please HELP!!
SO... We contacted a lawyer, and basically there is nothing we can do. She hasn't done anything severe to have her rights terminated and she is her "mother" so she can do as she pleases as long as it is in the guidelines of the papers. I have decided to take myself out of the communication; her parents said some things about me and my relationship with my daughter and I did not appreciate it at all. It's better if I stay out of things so that I do not make them worse. The attorney told us that because she (Anne) is working that we can request her child support be raised and that we can try and have some aspects of the papers modified, but that the modifications can always be denied. Worst case senario, a judge says no to the modifications, and my daughter starts spending more time with her bio mother. Modifying the papers is our best bet, unless she leaves again. THere is nothing I or my husband can do, and as much as it sucks, I guess things are they way they are for a reason. I love my daughter with all my heart, she will even tell you she IS mommy's heart, and she's right. I have moments and memories that no one can take away, not even her biological mother. However, I also have a son that is mine that I have to protect, and when this starts effecting him I think things have gone to far. I will always love her, and I will be mommy until she figures things out for her self, or until she decideds otherwise, if she decided otherwise. But regardless, she is my daughter, always will be and I thank god for bringing me too her, without her I don't think I would have the life I have today. I just hope that her biological mother, begins to see things in a new light.
Thank you all for your suggestions, and support. I really felt like no one would understand my point of view until now, so again thank you and God Bless!
L.
Contact an attorney and have them put a stop on visitation as long as she is there. You dont know what is going through "ANNS" thoughts. I have been raising my husbands kids since they were 2 and 4, theya are now 13 and 15. The mom has had nothing to do with them till she showed up for a Child Support heaing last month.
Having gone through very similar situations I must say_CONTACT A LAWYER!!! By doing this your are protecting yourself from serious issues now and later!!!! It also shows how serious you are about your child to make sure it is set in stone!!! Don't hesitate. Protect yourself and her.
She will always have a desire for "mom" and be hurt wondering why she didn't want her like you do. My father adopted me at 14 mos old. I always wanted to know my dad- but my true father (who adopted me) I love more than I think I would ever love a real one. I am now a step mother to two boys who have a competant mother who only wants them when conveinent or when she looks like "mom". It is hard for me, and I have really wanted to scream and cry somedays, but as the kids have gotten older (8 nd 4) they have shown me that I am giving them more love than their own. They have shown me they appreciate me and come to me with their issues and they are very young. I know I don't have to try to "out do" her anymore. I am myself and I love them and they know it. You are doing the same. No worries. I learned as a child and now an adult...sometimes experiencing the sacrifice of loving another child as your own is so much sweeter and a deeper bond.
L.:
I would NOT contact a lawyer. You might not be happy with the results. If she's as unstable as she appears to be she will drop out of her life again as quickly as she did the first time. The fact that her parents are considering you to be her mother is a good sign. They love their granddaughter and know that she loves you as her Mom. I bet Ann was there when he(the grandfather) said that and just didn't want to hurt her. If she wants to disrupt and confuse YOUR daughters life then she's clearly not looking out for her best interest. I would wait and see if she makes any legal moves (why should you pay?). I'm betting she won't make the effort.
The reason I suggest that you don't contact a lawyer is because if she's living w/ the grandparents, working, showing an interest in her biological daughter now, the court will work with her. They will give her visitation despite the abandonment. Right now, you only have to share grandparent visitation. You don't want the child shared by 3 households (if/when she moves out). It's terrible that they went behind your back and allowed her to visit w/ Ann without discussing it w/ you. It must have confused your daughter. If they plan to continue to allow this temporary visitation then you need ask them to please respect your daughter and not to manufacture a relationship between the 2 of them. If she was willing to give up rights in the past then she's not really vested in her. You know?
If no lawyers have been contacted yet and you and your hubby aren't ordered to allow access of the child to the grandparents on Mothers Day, then you will not be in contempt of the court. If you absolutely have to allow visitation on that day...I would request that they do an early breakfast and have her home directly after. Or she could always be "sick".
Please wait this out and keep your eye on the big picture. Let us know what happens!
S.
I would contact an attorney ASAP. She has asked twice about suspending her rights anyways! Do it now before the little girl gets older and really notices even more than she probably already is. Poor thing, she barely knows ANN. The grandparents are probably ashamed at how their daughter has lived out her life and want them mother and child to reunite. Which is understandable, but not in the best interest of the child, it seems. Esp. since sthey have grandparent's rights, it's not like ANN won't ever be allowed to see your daughter. I seen so many children kidnapped by an estranged parent, that I would be cautious.
i would so contact someone i am the bio mother to four almost five kids i have two soon to be step daughters so the loving them like they are your own i totally understand. my ex the father of my four children that are already born is a dead beat. i only wish he would give up his rights i know that he wont though or i would be all over it. but after contacting a lawyer you might beable to persuaide her to give up her rights, i dont know if she has been paying child support but if not ask the attorney to right up something saying that she has to back child support and if she cant then she can give up her rights to the child and she will no longer be resposible for child support. parent that really dont want there kids would rather have the money than rights to the child. that child is more yours than you would ever believe. she thinks of you as the mommy and you are any woman can have a child just like any man but it takes a true loving and devoted person to be a mommy and/or daddy. You have taken on that role and i would be extremly mad if someone tried to take that role from me so. yes stay mad and do what your gut tells you to do. you have the motherly instinks and you know what is best for that child. my mother and father came in and out of our lives and it killed up my grandparents raised me and my sisters. the bad part is our parents would take us and then got tired of us and sent us back our pain was high and we started feeling unwanted and you dont want that baby to feel like that. you can still let her see her birth mother but you can set the time and place and chose to be there and if you put in it in there that you do not want her to see her without you there and at least 30 day notice. or what ever but if the grandparents help her to violate this then you can get the grandparents rights revoked or at least limited. You have the gut feeling go with it better to be safe than sorry.
The other ladies have given such great advice!! They are right, you must first contact a lawyer.
I just wanted to add a little more. Remember, YOU have always been there for this little girl, and you will always be there. This woman, ANN, will not. For some reason, whether it be her parents or what, she has decided to give mothering a try. This will NOT last, and you need to be that constant, warm place to fall when ANN leaves again for some other man. She will NEVER have the bond with ANN that she has with you and will NEVER be able to take that away!! As far as the grandparents go, they raised this woman, so they can't be "all that" themselves. NEVER doubt your place in this little girl's life and heart. You will not lose this little girl, not in custody or her heart!!
Definitely contact a lawyer FAST. I would be LIVID as well. That is how I felt w/my baby youngest' dad got extended visitation and he got away w/everything when he left me when I was 16 wks pregnant and on bed rest and he asked me to terminate the baby just 1 wk after we got married(I found out I was preg just 2 wks before the wedding day) he also was not involved for 9 months.
Not wanting anything to do w/the baby and only is involved cause the parents control him 100%
He even quit his job to make less money to pay less child support. Big Loser. I know how you feel and I am VERY SORRY.
You and your family are in my prayers.
M.
I agree w/ the people below! I have actually been there excpet other way around my son was adopted my by husband just in December after 6 1/2 years my ex threatened termination for years my son doesn't even know him besides a once or twice a year visit and finally after deciding he didn't want to pay child support he decided to finally give him up. My husband has raised my son like his opwn sice he was 8 months old and now he has his name and life is much better! I think you should get an attorney, tell the grandparents how you feel and your husband should be sticking up for you if he isn't already! Tell the grandparents they need to visit on your turf until it can be worked out. Otherwise this poor little girl is going to become very confused and it's not fair to her. I hope it gets worked out! Good luck!
Hmmm. It almost sounds like ANN'S parents are the ones forcing their daughter to be a real mother. Does ANN even want to spend Mothers Day with your/her daughter? Are the grandparents guilting her into it? She obviously never cared about Mothers Days before so why all of a sudden? Perhaps you stop visitations until this is all cleared up. If the grandparents want to see their grandaughter, they can come spend time with her at your house.
Or maybe you or your husband needs to have a serious talk with said "ANN " to find out her true intentions.
You don't want to play tug of war with your baby girl or she may be deeply affected by all this. Ugh, that wretched Ann!!! I truly feel for you. Good luck. Be strong. And keep your baby protected from the drama!!
I know of a couple that had the same situation and the biological mom still got custody of the girls. So the mom took them away. Less than a year later she dropped both girls at this couples house again and disappeared, this time until the girls turned 18 and 20! Then she wanted to "bond" with them again, but the girls recented her too much. When one of them got married it was this man's wife that walked her down the aisle. Well, the mom had another little girl with another man and dropped her at this couples house when she was just a baby. She'd come and visit her every now and then. Then she showed up one day when the girl was 7, and even though she had a "bad" history, she was still able to receive custody of her daughter. Point is that some people are trash. They will always be trash and you can't expect any better. Kids are too smart though and there's nothing worse than the feeling of being hated by ones child. I think she tried to make up for the hate her first 2 daughters felt for her by having another child. Well, this child hates her too. She's the looser. Try and fight for this little girl, show her how much she is worth and no matter what, YOU'll always be her hero.
definately contact a lawyer. i don't know your financial circumstance but most of my family practices law and although they don't do family law they may know someone that would be great. I don't know but i will check! I am so sorry that you are going through this and some women are born to be mothers and some are simply not. "Ann" is simply not and you are. I eally hope this goes your way and I will pray for you!! If you ever need to talk please let me know. I am a wonderful listener. send me a message and I would be happy to give you my number. Good luck L.. Please let me know what happens. This is just awful.
I totally think contacting a lawyer is the best thing at this point. The grandparents seem more concerned with their daughter than the best interest of their granddaughter. You are the only real mother she's ever really known, right? You have raised her and that makes you more a mother to her than blood ever will. That's all that matters. Find a good lawyer and I'd even consider terminating the grandparents rights. They shouldn't have full right to make decisions about what she does. She lives with you and your husband so you two should be responsible for all decisions that concern your daughter. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.
I agree with everyone else... CONTACT A LAWYER!!!!! We have had my stepson since he was 3 and his mother has only been in his life this past year and he is 7 now!!!! I wish we would have had the money to get a lawyer 4 years ago but unfortunately we didn't and we just hired one in December!!!! It is going to be harder for us to get custody right now but we are still fighting for him and with your little one it is so early that she will not remember alot of the stuff. My son is old enough to remember it all now and I really wish I would have taken her up on her signing her rights over when he was three but it is to late for that now!!!! So my advice is get legal help now and just know that you are the one who will be recognized as her mom not just the egg donor!!!!! If you ever need to talk send me a message I have been in your place many many times!!!!
~C.
Sounds like the grandparents are hoping that ANNE will want to stay for her little girl, almost like wishing their daughter will become the mother she is supposed to be.
This would make me LIVID too. I say contact a lawyer.
