I'm Upset at My Husband. Am I Being Too Sensitive or Is He Being a Jerk?

I think he has no idea what you want.
Men have very small pea sized little brains, they have to be told do this, not that. They are like puppy dogs.
Serioulsy, these words came out of my hubby last time I blew up at him.

So assuming my hubby is right, telll hubby what makes you happy. For us it's hard because we assume he would know anyway.

If he calls you througout the day then no-I don't think he is a jerk and you are being a little sensitive. Have you told him that you would like a good night call? If not, you need to. He is not a mind reader and stuff like that is not as important to men as to us.

That's what you do on a business conference. You are expected to attend dinner with the group and socilaize. I call it forced corporate fun - I had to do it all the time. Back by 11 PM is tame by some standards. You're being too sensitive.

Hi Kelly, my guy is gone most weeks Mon-Fri. He is working a lot, but of course there's dinner and drinks out and other social occasions as well. We text on the phone throughout the day, sometimes we chat on gmail or skype at the end of the day, but most often it's just a good night i love you text before we doze off. I can't even remember the last time I talked to him on the phone!

Like someone else said, if you want a call in at a specific time every night he's away, you should def say so.

So no, I don't think he's a selfish jerk and I don't think you're too sensitive, you just have different expectations! Just get on the same page is all.

:)

Well, do you think he gets upset when you dont have time for his calls? Its kinda the same thing.

Hi Kellly,
Probably depends on your type of marriage.
I'm not a clingy-type wife. So when my husband travels, either for business or pleasure, my thing is--let me know you get there safe and I'll see you when you get back. Then usually he might call every other day to say "hi" and check in. That's just me and that's just "us".
We are both busy living our daily lives and responsibilities and each of us is confident that the other is doing what they need to be doing when they need to do it.
No point getting upset that his schedule when out of town is different than when he's home. LOTS of people go out to dinner at 8:00 for several hours! (Remember the pre-kid days?)
He IS talking to you several times per day, after all, which IMO, is a little over-the-top. That would tick me off unless we had something super important going on that we NEEDED to update each other--sick kid, applying for a mortgage, etc...
I think you're feeling a little jealous. Business traveling is a drag, usually, so don't make it more crappy by being more demanding.

Being a little sensitive - yes....but is it understandable? Yes. From your point of view, he's off having a good time, free meals and drinks, sleeping in a bed alone without the kids while you are doing all the work at home keeping up the home front. From his point of view, he's away from the wife and kids, has to sleep alone and has to participate in the activities (even if he likes them). He may not want to excuse himself (if he's interacting with others at a dinner, bar or mixer) to say good night to his wife. It may be something he's completely overlooked because he's been busy and realizes you are probably in bed. I'd mention something to him in the future about when he's gone you'd like a goodnight call or text just so you can hear his voice before you go to sleep. Also, why can't you call him and tell him you are going to bed so you wanted to say goodnight? It works both ways :)

I think it's 'a little of column A, a little of column B' going on here. I think you're feeling a little jealous that he gets to go away and have dinner and drinks every night while you're with the kids ALL day and ALL night. I think this because this is how *I* feel when my husband goes away for work.

It's frustrating to know that his biggest issue at dinner is deciding between steak and lobster, when I'm fighting tooth and nail with my almost-3 year old to get her to eat 2 more bites with a crying baby in my lap and a 4.5 year old trying to tell me about her day at preschool. Sometimes, I really hate it when he's gone, and when I feel like that - it's ALL his fault!! hahaha

But, then I remember that when he IS home he's a totally involved husband and father and that he deserves a little peace and quiet. He calls when he can. If I want to get a hold of him, I text. That way I'm not bugging him with a ringing phone, he can ignore it if he's busy but he knows I'm thinking about him.

I think you are being too sensitive, especially when you are brushing him off during the day. He is probably calling you during dead times when he needs to talk to someone and wants to be one of those people looking busy on break with a cellphone propped to his ear! Seminars can be very boring. Bunch of strangers, trying to make small talk in between speakers - maybe he needs to hear a familiar voice. And the real point of attending seminars (generally) is the dinner and mixing at night and it's usually much easier for men to "mix" with a cocktail in hand, especially if they can hook up with a couple of people that they know. Honestly, staying at home with the kids is hard, but working is hard, too, even "conferences" that might sound exciting to you are actually awkward and hard. Everybody's doing their part for the family - dont be mad at him. You'll be back on the same shift soon!

I think if you want to say good night, call him yourself before you go to bed.

It doesn't sound like he is being thoughtless, because he calls you throughout the day.

If you are jealous of the lifestyle he lives on those trips, address that issue with him.

If you feel unappreciated, address that issue.

Your husband should 100% show appreciation for everything you do for his children but, to me, not calling is not showing that he is a selfish jerk.

And, as frustrated as you get, consider if you switched roles. Would you rather work outside the house, only getting to see your children for a few waking hours a day and have the "fun" of traveling, staying in hotels and socializing with adults (and not seeing your kids at all)?

This job, that has him go on trips, is also the same job that allows you to be a stay at home mom.

Kelly:

I personally think you are being too sensitive.

He has tried to reach out to you - he's at a conference - not out with the boys for a weekend jaunt.

Set expectations PRIOR to the trip - honey - i know you are going to be busy on this trip - the kids want to talk with you before they go to bed - the best time to call would be 8PM....I'd like to be able to talk with you by myself - so if you could call after 10PM - that would be GREAT!!!! Let me know what works for your schedule!!!

It's really easy - communicate with him your expectations. Ask what his are...

nooo not a selfish Jerk.....although we get into a routine of checking in, its not always good...let him have fun and be an adult with no responsibilities for the trip...maybe leave him xrated texts and make him want to call...use this as a time to make him miss you...and maybe plan for the kids to be babysat or a special romantic night when he gets back

When my husband travels for business, I expect him to be in "business" mode 100% - after all, that's what he's there for. If he happens to call me to wish me a good night, great! It means he misses me and is thinking of me. If he doesn't call, great! It means he's doing something that's hopefully fun and taking his mind off the fact that he's missing his family. Whether he calls me or not truly doesn't bother me. And if it did, I'd just call HIM. But since it's something that DOES bother you, you should let him know how you feel. "Honey, I sleep so much better if I've had a chance to say goodnight to you - will you call me at night? Thanks, sweetie, I love you!" If you have good communication, this shouldn't be a problem. Chances are, it doesn't even occur to him that you feel this way - he's a guy, you'll need to spell it out for him.

I was going to say what Molly said. He is trying to call between his work, but you are busy.. so it kind of is the same on his side.

I used to be a buyer for a major store. Lots of buying trips.. Sounds glamorous and fun?

I worked almost every hour I was there.. In the hotel, in the cabs, at every meal.. NO breaks, then dash back to leave paperwork and go straight to dinner talk about merchandise sales and what happened at the store for the day.. Go back try to write orders and try to get at least 5 hours of sleep fir the next day.. Oh and between this, try to find a moment to call or return calls from work bask at the stores.

So yes it all sounds like a exciting time.. I loved my job.. But I missed my husband and child. He was on his own schedule working full time and being the parent to our infant. We accepted any phone call and quickly update, and always said I love you..

I know you were upset and frustrated, but I promise you guys are on his thoughts each time he travels and sees other families traveling together, has a great meal and wishes you were there right next to him, sees interesting cities with cool places to take the kids, and is missing all of you the entire time. Remember, men generally will not tell you all of this, but I promise this is happening. We would talk about it with the male buyers and sellers at market and they admitted it when asked.

I try to remember my husband's advice right after we got married "men don't get subtle". I think it is true. He is happy to do things to help out but dropping hints just is not effective.

Try talking to your husband and directly agreeing on the best time for him to call and check in and/or say goodnight.

When my husband's on travel, we try to talk once a day, but it's not always possible. We'll text each other during the day and touch base.
I think you are angry he's appearing to have a good time without you.
The schmoozing that goes on during business trips might sound like fun (you have to put a smile on your face whether you like it or not - for many the smile is a wee bit forced and the teeth are gritted), but it's very tiresome.
He's working hard to bring home a paycheck so you can spend it.
I thank my husband for dealing with it because I KNOW how much he HATES being on travel, and he loves being welcomed home as much as I love welcoming him home.

I used to get mad at my husband when he went on travel for not calling me to say good night or not enough during the day or whatever. But then I went on travel. Sometimes the after dinner gatherings are NECESSARY to be a team player. There were times when I also worked untul 11pm when I was on travel. So I'd give him a break, but be honest and let him know it upset you or it will eat away at you.

It depends on what kind of conference this is, or what kind of connections are being made (work related). Maybe he's afraid he will lose the attention or respect of someone important if he interrupts their conversation to "go call his wife real quick." Maybe one of his coworkers is a good buddy and they are having such a good time that he really doesn't realize what time it is until he feels it's too late to call you (hasn't time even gotten away from you when you're having fun, especially if you don't get a chance to get out very often?) I don't know the whole back story, just thought I'd give you a different perspective. BUT, when my husband is gone on business and he knows he'll be occupied in the late evening, he'll call before he arrives at the restraunt and say "Hey baby, just wanted to say goodnight now cause I probably won't have a chance to call you later." Because he KNOWS I'm waiting for that call, and have a hard time going to bed without touching base with him. Tell your husband next time you talk to him that you need to know when that last phone call will happen, and you have a hard time sleeping when you wonder when or if he will make a nighttime call. Men aren't very in tune with what we might be feeling, and need to be told straight out what we want/need. I don't think they do this to be a jerk, they just assume we're so busy with kids and house that we won't worry about one phone call.

HI--
My husband travels a lot, so I get it. At conferences like the one your husband is at they barely get a moment of downtime. They have to be "on" the whole time they are there and it's less fun and more work than you think. Sometimes it is hard for them to get away from the "show" of being nice to their bosses and bosses bosses. So I would call and leave him a message saying good night. If he can get away I'm sure he will call you back. Also, let him know that this is what you want. And be happy that he calls you throughout the day whenever he gets a chance. It means he is thinking about you, even if you don't have all the time you'd like to talk. I think you are being sensitive (rightly so) but I don't think he is doing this to upset you. I think he is working hard and doing the best he can to keep in touch while he is gone. A little bit of communication of your needs should take care of it!
J.

I don't know what time the kids go to bed but I am guessing it is after or around 8 pm. In which case, you shouldn't expect him to call as you stated he is going for mixers and dinner at 8-ish. I would however expect him to call maybe just before going to say goodnight to the kids and you. Then, if when he's back in the hotel it is early enough that he wouldn't wake you he should call and talk to you for a few minutes.

Callling him at 9 when you know he's going out around 8 for mixers and dinner is just setting you both up for frustration.

If you can't make time to talk to him because you are busy, how can you fault him for not interupting the schedule that he has at the conference for you (unless it's an emergency) since I am sure he didn't set the schedule?
At least he has tried to connect with you so give him credit for that...men tend to have poor timing though, don't they?

I get how you feel and I may feel the same way if in your shoes but just giving my objective view.

I just want to say that I would feel _exactly_ the same way that you do, right down to wondering if I was being the unreasonable one.

I guess it boils down to "it stinks to be the one left at home." Even if he's there for work, he's clearly having fun. I think it's okay to feel a little jealous of his good time, but don't take it out on him, if that makes sense.

Hope you get out for a night on the town soon!

My husband used to go away to work in SFO and only called the morning he was done to say he was on his way home. It just was one of his habits. Then he got a mobile phone and I could call him. I am an independent sort of person so I would schedule time with friends when he was away.

If you want him to call you let him know you would love to have a goodnight call from him. Yes it would be great if he thought of doing it at a decent time on his own but when I am at a conference it does tend to get late and I forget to call home at a decent time to say my 'I love yous and goodnights.' This is part of this job, if you feel that he is having fun and you want some of your own arrange for it.

I do not think he is being a jerk and I do not think it is too needy of you to want that goodnight from him. You will have to let him know that it means a lot to you having the goodnight, I love you call.

I've been on both sides of the fence; traveling for work to 'fun' places and left at home with the kids while dh travels.

One thing you need to remember is that while he may be enjoying himself, he's still working. During the day when you are busy with the kids - are you enjoying yourself? Of course you are! Just because you are working doesn't mean you can't have fun and enjoy it. Same goes for him. It's hard to be 'ON' for 18 hours a day, several days in a row - and that's what he's doing. At least at home with the kids if you snap at them or get a little cranky no one's going to give you a bad review or cancels their business with you - he doesn't have that perk. Regardless of how long his day has been he has to be gracious, and entertaining, and knowlegeable...and it's exhausting.

I *know* it's hard to be home with the kids when your spouse travels - mine travels 2 weeks a month and has for the last 3 years. He goes places I want to go (China, Canada, LA, East Coast, etc). But I am at home, with our kids, not missing any little thing they do - good or bad - like he is. I get to relax at the end of the day, which comes at 8:30 because that's when they go to bed. I know he has been in meetings or conferences or on his feet all.day.long. Then at the end of the workday when all he really wants is to crash he has to go out for another 4 hours with the same people and talk business. Again. With the knowlege that he's got to do it all again tomorrow. It's a beating. If he's enjoying himself, let him, know that he's sacrificing a whole lot to be there and has earned his perks.

Kelly,

It works both ways, do you think your husband gets upset with you when you're too busy with the children to talk to him?

If he travels a lot for business, I can understand how you might feel a little left out and maybe even jealous that he's having a good time going out to nice dinners, while you're home with the kids eating mac & cheese!

Maybe you could go with him next time? Even if it's just a couple of days where you fly to join him for a long weekend. The hotel wouldn't cost much more if you plan ahead and he's probably got enough miles for a free ticket.

If you need that "good night, I love and miss you call", let him know, it does not matter how late, you need that call.

Blessings.....

My husband travels all the time, but we are the other way around. I am NOT a phone person, he often calls me during the day (no need to tell you how many times I have to come out of the bathroom before I finish because he calls to say hi, grrrrrrrrr), I love him so I answer, but I so rather text so I can text when I can.
I agree with Theresa, may times they have to go out because even if they are good at what they do, if they don't have connections and social skills they could be left behind in job oprtunity. Of course it kind of sucks that while they do this we are changing diapers, with stained food for what ever was for dinner and instead of chocolate in our pillows we get...ok you got the picture, lol.
He maybe think you are already sleeping by the time he can call, or maybe he is afraid you wont understand why he is going out, or he feel guilty that he gets to go out. The best way to fix this is to just tell him how you feel.
Some stuff men just don't see it like us.

I agree with Lesley S. It could be that you are home with the kids, having meals consisting of left-over PB & J and he's out having dinner and drinks. I used to really get upset about that, with my hubby, when he traveled. I NEVER got breaks and I did NOT want to hear about his fancy dinners and sitting beachside in Florida for a conference.

Nowadays, things are still crazy with him gone for travel, but it's a different kid of crazy. When he's on a trip, it's kind of the same- he will call throughout the day, if he can. He usually calls in the evening to say goodnight, but there are times I request him not to! By the time he gets done with a dinner/drink kind of thing, it may be 11pm, and I am usually asleep. Your husband may be thinking about that, as well-- you, too, may be tired and asleep already. Or, since he's already talked to you throughout the day, it's not like there has been no communication. I wouldn't say jerk. But, I wouldn't say you were being too sensitive. It bothers you. Just tell him you'd really appreciate a phone call before he goes to sleep. I'm sure that's not asking too much as far as he's concerned.

You're being too sensitive. I travel for work and sometimes don't have time to call my husband and wish him good night. As much as I would like to talk to my two girls before they go to bed, or talk to my husband when he has time to relax, sometimes my work schedule doesn't allow it. It sounds so easy to step out of a dinner or leave the mixer for a quick phone call, but that's sometimes where the most important work is done.

So... my advice is to realize that he loves you, but he's busy. He's focused on work while he's gone, not on the clock and when you want him to call.

No, you're not too sensitive, this would upset me too. I don't think he's being a selfish jerk either. I feel that way when my husband is out of town too. Tell him how you feel and ask him if you can talk a bit before you go to bed. It would really mean a lot to you. Good luck!!

He should call, but at the same time I think you might be a little over sensitive as well because of jealousy that he gets to go out to a nice dinner and drinks with adults while you are at home every night with the kids. I would be jealous too!

Yes you are being sensitive but that is how God created women. Is he being a selfish jerk? Can't really say because I don't know his frame of mind but put yourself in his shoes for a minute. Would you want to call a wife who may be obviously irritated with you? Men avoid conflict whenever they can. Try being a soft place for him to land. Let him know how proud you are of everything he is doing for the family. Text him how excited you will be to hear from him when he calls around x-time. Then when he calls don't drag on about the typcial events of the day with you and the kids, try focusing on him and how much he means to you. Let him know how much you really miss him and look forward to seeing him. Ask him if he wants to hear about the kids (sounds silly but somehow it works).

Create an atmosphere he would be proud to be a part of. Try reconnecting with the man you dated instead of the husband you've been married to for so long and watch the change in him. A wise woman builds up her home. So build up the man you want, speak to the King and the King will show up. Speak to the fool and ...

I have not read everyones responses however I want to respond as I am a working mom who travels a few times per year. My travel includes meetings during the day - and many times over dinner/drinks with clients. We pack as many meetings as possible as we are only in the area a time or two per year. The hardest time for me to call is in the 6-9pm time period as we are usually having dinner with a client. By the time that is over I am exhausted from having so much face-to-face time, talking nonstop, etc. and honestly the last thing I want to do is talk more. However I do make a quick call to my husband when I get back to the hotel (sometimes that is 10 or 11 depending on whom we are meeting with and the relationship with people in that office). When I do make the call I just say - wanted to call you to tell you goodnight and see how it went with the evening routine......I'm exhausted so I'll give a call when I have a few minutes tomorrow........

I do have to say - many people who don't travel for work think that those who do are simply on 'vacation' - it's not that at all. While it is cool to get out in another state and meet people it's very tiring. (I also realize being a single parent for those days is just as tiring - if not more...So, on the weekend after I get home I'll take the kids out of the house for a few hours to give my husband some time to himself).

He's being a man.

Example (I'll use your situation) - Man is out to dinner/drinks with his co-workers. Not paying ANY attention to what time it is. Just figures that he'll go when he gets tired. Eat, drink... Laugh, joke... Phone call from wife - 'Oh hey honey! Oh my... Didn't even realize it was 9. I'll talk to you later... Love you too.' ---- Alright... One more... You ordered desert?!?!? Ok. Another beverage..... You know... I need to get outta here... (on the way back to hotel) - Phone call from wife again - 'I know... It's late. Time flew by! I figured you'd have been in bed already. That's why I didn't wanna call... That and I worry about waking the kids.'

Those are all things he's likely thinking about.

What you're likely thinking - 'GRRR! Why hasn't he called me yet? Where is he? Who's he with? Why is he out so late? He should be at his hotel going to bed... That's what he'd be doing here. He must be doing something I wouldn't approve of... I'm busting my butt here with the kids, errands, cleaning the house... For his @ss to be out having a good time! Bullsh*t!'

But you don't say any of that to him. You say (something like), 'I really wish you would've called me...'

He takes that as a mild 'scolding' and dismisses it while you are stewing in your anger. He has NO IDEA you're pissed. If you don't tell him that you're mad and a detailed reason as to WHY your mad... He has no idea.

.

I can see both sides.
He is at a work conference, and that's very typical behavior for that type of thing. I have helped put on conferences where I work, and 11:00 is actually pretty early to be getting back to his room!
At the same time, I can understand where you are coming from because I would be feeling the same way.
I think, though, that the only way he is going to know to call you and say goodnight is if you tell him. It may not be the foremost thing on his mind as he is with work people and busy doing social activities. So do I think he's being selfish? Probably not. Are you being sensitive? Probably. Just talk to him about it.

Hi Kelly
I agree it all the ladies below so I won't repeat too much.
I don't see him as a jerk,just a husband on business.

Enjoy your time when he gets back and don't waste it being off with him.
All the best
B. k

you are too sensitive, but I will feel the same way!!!

i think you're being too sensitive. Men are like that, men have always been like that, they don't call to say good night, maybe they do-but believe me time flies when you're busy or having a good time, I'm sure he forgot and when he realized it, maybe it was too late and dind't wanna wake you. Getting our men to call and say things like that is because we've "trained" them that way and they get it from us, but if you left it up to him/them they wouldnt do it . But i totally understand you, i go through the same thing every now and then, and i have a wonderful man who i trust with my eyes closed etc etc. But bottom line is , we are too sensitive.

You are not being too sensitive. My husband travels for work and he never calls. I get so angry with him and our relationship is falling apart for it. He tells me I never have time to talk when he calls, and hes right. He called in the middle of the day when I am working my *ss off while he gets to sit around in a hotel room (yes, there are some days he works for a few hours and has the rest of the day to himself). And we have unlimited text so why can't he just text me something nice and goodnight. And yes, I have told him that, many times.

It takes just a few seconds to call or text and they can do it. I know other people whos husbands talk to them everyday, no matter what, and ALWAYS calls/texts to say goodnight.

Is it work related? I know in our group people were to call spouses after we returned to the hotel for the night. It was considered rude and offensive to do so when with the group and our normally wimpy boss got all excited about it.
If I ever get a trip away, even to a friend's house, I want to enjoy myself and not have to worry about checking in.

My husband goes out of town for about a week every other month. He usually calls me on his lunch break and texts me tons though during his meetings. He doesn't drink so he usually comes to the hotel after dinner while everyone else is going to the bars. He'll go to the hotel gym or play video games if he brings his xbox.

Even then though, he doesn't call me every night... but usually he does. I'm fine with it when he doesn't though, b/c we still keep in lot of contact during the day, and frankly at night I like to wind down and be uninterrupted so I can read or something. Really though, just communiate with him. Tell him the best time to call is at 9 pm or whatever.

Oh do I feel your pain. My husband too has done this many times and it drives me NUTS! Now before he leaves, we establish what communication I am expecting from him. So we talk a few times, for a few minutes during the day. Then before he goes to dinner he calls so we can chat for a few. Then, when I go to bed I call him just to say good night, but always ask him to call me when he gets in. And he does. When he leaves for meetings, I already know not to expect to talk to him a whole lot- but I do expect him to call me when he gets in- NO matter what. A time or two in the past that he hasn't done this- he has regretted it in the morning!! lol. he wouldn't hear the end of it. So we talked about it and now he's very good about it.

My husband works out of town a lot and he calls once in the morning to make sure we all made it through the night , once in the afternoon to see how school was for kids, and then sometimes he calls at night and sometimes he doesn't. I reallly don't care what he does or if he calls me at all during the week but he is a big jerk to me most of the time and I prefer him to be gone(I am really mad at him right now if you couldn't tell) all the time. i think you are being a little sensitive and maybe a little jealous that he gets to be free even though he is working while you are home with the kids and he seems to be having fun. I bet he is missing you guys like crazy though and there may not be time to call. Tell him your feelings are hurt and see what he says.

He's not being a selfish jerk. I would, however, not answer his calls when you're busy and in the middle of taking care of things with the kids and around the house. It sounds like you've been available and waiting by the phone every time he does call, and you don't have time to look forward to his calls. You also sound a bit jealous of the time he's getting away from the house and kids while you're stuck at home not only with business as usual, but without a parenting partner and everything being more stressful and difficult. He's having fun instead of missing everything.

You need to be direct with him about what you want and what you expect. Just tell him straight out what you want. Let him know that when he gets home you want a babysitter and to go out to relax. Or that you expect a night out with friends. Or a weekend away of your own. Or all of the above.