I'm Losing It! - Flushing,NY

sweetie, get a job! being a SAHM is always hard, but exactly the right thing for a lot of moms to do. many moms thrive, and their families are better for it.
but not for everyone.
there's not one thing wrong with having a career (or 'just' a job!) that you love. find a good reliable daycare, or hire a nanny from a respectable agency, and go back to work.
khairete
S.

Sounds like you need to go back to work. I have always worked full time. I knew that without my career I would go completely crazy. Happier, more fulfilled parents make for happier kids.

I don't see that volunteer work, occasional lunch dates or the gym would have cut it for me. Not that there is anything wrong with those things. But they are not enough for many people. These are things that I would simply fit INTO my work day - not instead of it. Good time to reread Betty Friedan's 'The Feminine Mystique' if you haven't recently.

If you enjoyed working, and you don't enjoy being a SAHM, then why not go back into the workforce? Being at your workplace will give you the adult interaction you crave and likely make you appreciate the evenings and weekends with your daughter more than you do now.

Choosing to work outside your home doesn't mean that you love your daughter any less.

Have you thought about getting a part-time job outside the home or volunteering? I don't know a lot about your situation- whether your daughter is in preschool or if working at all is even feasible. If it's not working for you, then maybe it's time to adjust things a little. A good mom is a happy mom. :)

I concur, being a stay at home mom is very hard, especially for us moms that are used to blowing and going.

I stayed home for year and I liked it, I enjoyed that time with our daughter and then a job was offered to me. It was to open and then manage a new store. I jumped on it. I knew that our daughter would be fine in a really good day care, and I would be so much happier if I could have this dream job.

It was the best decision for us, I was able to make money and save a lot of it. Our schedules worked so that I dropped off our daughter later in the morning and my husband picked her up early. On my day off I kept our daughter with me. My husband had her to himself on Saturdays and then on Sunday all of us were together all day long..

I was more enthusiastic, I had more energy, I was able to hire a house keeper!

Once our daughter started kindergarten, I was able to be very active in her school. I was then able to work part time, so I could take our daughter to school and then pick her up as school let out.

There is no right or wrong, no better way than another way. It is what works best for you and your family.

Consider part time work, consider maybe organizing a moms group so you all can visit and the kids can play. Start a book club, with an emphasis on the wine tastings.. hee, hee.

And for goodness sakes, find a few good baby sitters so you and your husband can go out alone every few weeks or at least once a month.

Do not feel bad. YOU are telling the truth..

:-( I'm so sorry. Yes being a SAHM can drive you up the wall! I'm not one - but my BFF is one. We actually vent to each other about the different things that drive us nuts. Do you have someone to vent to? What do you do for yourself? You need to make time for yourself too. Being there for everyone else requires that you be healthy - mentally and physically.

Are you exercising? :-D That's MY thing. I'm an addict. Message me about that if you like - I'm 43 now and in the best shape of my life. Love, love, love dishing out information to other people to help them out too. My purpose I guess.

Finding your particular purpose will make you soooo happy. Believe me.

What did you do before kids? Maybe you can revisit some of those hobbies / interests.

Please don't say being a stay at home mom is the hardest job in the world, it just isn't, being a MOM is the hardest job in the world. Sorry, it has become a pet peeve of mine lately.

I was a stay at home for 18 years, when they were little it was hard. Adults need structure, little kids need structure but they fight it like the devil is at their heels. So make goals. One of mine was every day we got ready and went to the park, the mall, anywhere I could be around other humans in the same boat. It gave the kids structure, it gave me structure, it gave me the ability to teach them how to act in public and other humans to talk to.

Trust me on this, the day you realize you are walking through a store and your kids are listening to you, when you see the other kid who doesn't get it, sorry I have to admit, when you see the mom about to blow, you realize, I got this! It is a great feeling, little kids just don't give you that.

Go back to work. Being a SAHM is not for everyone. It sure wasn't for me. I'm back to work and my daughter is awesome. I went back right before she was two so she doesn't know a life without M. and daddy working. She stays at the Children's Center at school 3 days a week until 6. If I get there at 5:30, she's mad because I am interrupting her play time.

Don't vent - do change. You'll be a better wife and M. for it.

So go back to work. Do you have friends you get together with (with kids) during the day? Does your daughter go to any classes etc. get up, get dressed and get out everyday! You will feel so much better or put your daughter in day care and go back to work.

Oh sweetie...my heart aches for you. What you are doing as a SAHM is so valuable to your family and society.

It is great that you are venting here on this forum and getting some advice and a pick me up. But..do you have ladies that you can meet up with and share concerns,joys,frustrations and wisdom? It helps to find a weekly outlet with other ladies. I treasure my Tuesday walk with one of my best friends, my MWF ZUMBA class with friends and an occasional lunch date with friends.

Exercise helps beat these feelings and strengthens your mind,body and spirit. I whole heartedly testify that exercise is a mood booster!!! And, when I had little ones then I put them in a double stroller and walked,and walked and walked.

Make goals for yourself and find a hobby.

Let go of expectations you are putting on yourself that are making you feel overwhelmed. Keep your day simple...everyone needs to eat,be clothed and sleep. After that, do something each day for yourself. Something that will fill you up. I go sit in the sun with a book and a warm cup of tea. I garden. I surf the net for awhile. I do a craft or organize something in my home.

Your little one will start school soon. Chisel out some time to volunteer at her school. I volunteer for the Hospitality position. I enjoy throwing parties,baking and cooking. This position fills me up. I put on events for the teachers in their staffroom. I get to decorate and put on a yummy spread...and have a great budget to do it with. It is fun! I also get to interact with other parents and get to know my kids' teachers. Sooo, get involved. YOU have skills and talents that your school community can benefit from.

I don't think you need a job to make you feel valued. You need to find in yourself that you have value to offer others around you..not validation from others. Validation is nice...but you need to be happy with yourself when there is no validation. Strive to find confidence in what you are offering your family by being home full time.

Something else that helps me is every week I find someone to do something for. I send a note, make a loaf of bread or a treat or call them. Often when we serve someone else outside of our home, it gives us a great sense of purpose and self worth.

You give and give everyday in your home. Take your daughter with you to visit that little old lady down the street. Have your daughter draw a picture for the woman...and take some home baked cookies. You will teach your daughter a great lesson, it will warm your hearts and the person you serve.

You don't sound horrible at all. So many women beat themselves up all the time with these feelings. You are being honest...and that is a great step. Now...go do some things to lift yourself up out of this slump.

I personally am very fulfilled being home full time. It was our choice before we married and had kids. We have a vision of how we want our home life to function and how we want our kids raised and that requires one of us to be home full time. Turns out it is me because I love it and even though I have a degree, my hubby makes waaaay more than I could. Our home life flows so smoothly because someone has their finger on the pulse of home and kids full time. Yet, my hubby helps out a ton as well. I don't feel alone in it.

Something else that has helped me be secure with myself and roles is to not care about what others are doing. Comparing yourself to others steals the joy out of life. Don't worry about others who seem like they have it all, dress and look like a model or have Pinterest Perfect lives.

Be the M. your little girl deserves and the wife your husband deserves...and that is simply being a happy person who finds joy in being with them.

Also, you might need to go talk to a professional if a walk in the sunshine, exercise and setting some goals for yourself does not kick this slump. You might need more than these simple daily acts. And..that is ok. Having babies, being isolated, and getting older can play havoc on our body's hormones. You might need a doctor to run some tests to make sure that you don't need supplements.

Good luck and best wishes M. W from M. W :)

It does not sound horrible for you to say, it sounds like your truth. Not every woman is meant to be a SAHM. All moms have good and bad days, but the ones who are meant to SAH will have more good than bad. A pervasive unhappiness like yours is a sign that you're not doing what you're meant to do.

Let go of your guilt, look for a job, find childcare. You will all be happier.

Ignore the people who are trying to make you think your feelings are not valid or that you're feeling wrongly. Being a SAHM is a choice, and you can choose to stop anytime you want.

It is easy to get caught up in everyone else and forget yourself. IMO, you need to find something for you, be it working out or volunteering or a hobby. I used to work FT and enjoyed things like using a restroom by myself with nobody knocking on the door and feeling accomplished and wearing nice clothes. DD changed a lot. You said your daughter is 4, so if she is not in preschool, please consider one. Even a PT preschool would allow you some free time to pursue something. Consider taking a non-credit class at the local recreation center or community college. What are your skills? Are they something you can translate into freelance work?

Do not be sorry to vent. It is hard to be a parent,and even if you are working a job you love, you sometimes get burned out. If you defined yourself by your 9-5, you might need to really sit and think about how you define yourself now and how you can get the same sense of self-worth. For me, part of why I work PT is because it's important to ME. I want my own money, I want to contribute, I want to do something that doesn't involve crayons and glue. I love my daughter very much, but when she is at school, I take advantage of that time for ME.

And also look around. Are you doing it ALL because you are home? Just because he works outside the house doesn't mean he can't still do some dishes, take care of the kiddo for a bit, give her a bath, pack a lunch, etc. Is there an unequal distribution in your home and can your DH help?

The last thing is, could you be depressed? It is worth talking to a counselor or your GP to rule that out. Or rule out issues like thyroid problems or hormonal imbalances. Lack of sleep can also mess with your head.

Not everyone is cut out to be a SAHM, and that's ok. I quit my job when I had my second, and I was miserable for the first few years. I adjusted, and had a third child. I've been home for 8.5 years now, and can't imagine going back to work.

You've been home for 4 years, and are still miserable so maybe it isn't for you. If you'll be much happier working, then do it! Your daughter and husband will be happier if you're happy. You can find a quality child care center with a preschool, then later a school with an after care program.

Best wishes!

I hear you. Ive had one hell of a past few months. Im close to sending the kids to school, even though I know I need to homeschool them to follow my principles.

My mom was to take the two oldest for a sleep over tomorrow night, but they misbehaved for her today, and she cancelled. Needless to say, I haven't had a break in a long time. I need a break.

Sounds like you need to reconnect with yourself. If this means getting a job, then get a job. If this means finding a class to take to refind yourself, take a class. Only you know what you need.

Join a group(s).

I liked working and was depressed when I quit to stay at home after the birth of my 2nd. When I was a SAHM, the thing that saved my sanity and gave me some purpose was being involved in my kids' schools. They went to a co-op preschool with heavy parent involvement, and later went to a charter school with the same.

Without those I would have hated being a SAHM, but through those schools I created a life for myself, was a part of communities, and actually enjoyed it.

I think it's the hardest job in the world too! Do something for YOU. Go back to work or find something else you enjoy. We are all people before we are mom's and wives. We need to take care of ourselves before anyone else. Easy to say, hard to do. Good luck!

Sign your daughter up for pre-school or pre-K and get a job!

You need to find an outlet, a hobby, something for yourself outside the house! You feel like you've "lost" yourself. It took me 7yrs of SAHM to figure out that. I started running. Not only did it get me out of the house, but it gave me some quiet me time...and I can listen to anything I want on my iPod. Losing my "baby weight" was an added bonus. I started doing races. Now I'm no longer that SAHM... I'm that crazy marathon Mom!

Good Luck! I've been told that someday I'll miss these days, but for now....I just need my sanity,

T.

Maybe there is a very good reason and you are being too hard on yourself. Do you have time to exercise? And have you had your thyroid levels checked? I used to feel down and listless a lot, wondering how I would get through the day. Then I found out I had hypothyroidism and suddenly I felt like a new person. Everything got that little bit easier, including having the energy to exercise. And, of course, if you can find a way to get back into the work you love, that might also make all the difference. Good luck!

You need to sit down and figure out what you want to do in life. You need to find something for you to do even as a SAHM. A four year old can go to childcare for a few hours a week and you can take a class. You can make "me" time daily.

What you will need to do is make a list of everything you do daily in morning and afternoon. Find a time in there for you to do something. I have been where you are and this is what I had to do in order to make things go right and for me to feel like I accomplished something every day.

If need be, go back to work part time and enjoy your time away from being a M.. Don't have any guilt about it. Just do it. As one person said, not all of us are SAHM candidates. Do what you need to feel fulfilled.

the other S.

PS I had to go back to work because I could not stay home. However, when I was at home I did all the things and ran a tight ship. I enjoyed my time home and did get and do things for the kids and take trips with them and chaperone.

I am now trying to figure out when to retire from the work force. When I do retire, I will be doing something else that I want to do and keep busy.

Been there and done that. Good news there are simple things you can do to "SNAP" yourself out of it.

Begin your day 1/2 hour earlier and get some fitness in. Simple things like jumping rope, jumping jacks, push ups, sit ups, leg lifts, or even running up and down some stairs if you have them will really help. Also set some simple goals for your personal self. What things would you like to do, where would you like to go, what would you like to learn? Count how many good things are in your life. You are able to be a SAHM. I had to work being a single parent. Your daughter is healthy and your husband is gainfully employed and healthy. Your husband cares about how you are feeling. I'm certain you have many other things in your life which are a blessing count them all and begin to be grateful for them all.

I've learned that we all feel what we feel but we really shouldn't let our feelings rule or run us. Having goals both short term and long term is important. Use a posterboard to create the image of the life you want to live. And then on that same board write out the steps you would need to take to move in that direction. Writing things out helps you see what you want and help you get there. The more specific you can be the more likely it is you will get there.

Try volunteering at different places this will give you a feel for something outside of your ordinary life.There are tons of places to volunteer. A local library, hospital, highschool (because your kid isn't there yet), homeless shelter, animal shelter, food pantry, soup kitchen, or office (you may need to be persistant about volunteering at an office because it is out of the ordinary).

Your husband can't help you, your daughter can't help you. Only you can help you. Time for you to get a new way of thinking and a new way living your life. It's your life and you get to choose what you want to do with it. Choose wisely but make a choice to snap out of the depression you are finding yourself in. I hope this response helps you. I know what it is like to feel what you are feeling but trouble doesn't last always.

Here's my insight into life.

Some of us are not supposed to sit at home for the rest of our lives. We enjoy doing something useful with ourselves, making projects, building something, taking care of adults verses one or two kids, we are outgoing people that enjoy working.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with working. There is great value to those of us who enjoy it.

We become less when we stay at home, many in society see sahm's as lazy worthless people. We know that's not true but many many people think if a person cares about their family and want better for them that we'd be out working and bringing in extra money.

The reason's I worked outside of the home when I had children are these:

People respect people who work more than they respect non-working people.

Hubby fell in love with an independent vivacious woman who was her own person, now you're so and so's M. and the housekeeper. He's going to treat you like that person now.

Other people were interested in you, sought your opinions, trusted you with their accounts, items, business and they valued you. You had worth to other adults so he looked at you through those eyes, you were different.

Houses stay clean all day long when no one is home to make messes. You get up, get dressed and leave. You come home, fix dinner or open the take out, clean the kitchen or toss the take out containers in the trash, they you can start a load of laundry or something else. Then it's bedtime stuff. Quiet, orderly, and efficient.

I love working outside the home and when your little one starts school this fall, if she's going to pre-K, I'd go back to work just so I can be myself again.

Count your blessings.

While it can be trying, being a SAHM is not the hardest job in the world. Not by a longshot.

Winter is surely sucking the life out of all of us and we're all ready for warmer weather and the ability to get out of the house more. Chalk your stress up to cabin fever, stomp it down, and find a healthy outlet. Go for a walk. Go to the park. Go to the gym. So what if it's cold? Bundle up and get out of the house.

I know this is a vent, but you should really be venting that you're wasting your time feeling sorry for yourself when you could be doing something fun, productive, or inspiring. You and your husband CHOSE for you to stay at home to be a full time mom. Your family is blessed to be able to do that. And right now, you're choosing to be miserable. Really, now....is your life all that bad?

So you've had your vent. Now what?

Time to see a therapist. Yelp one in your area. You will get through this tough time. Some extra support will help.