I'm Having a Hard Time!

I'm going through, and have been going through, the same situation for the last 5 years. I have a 7 year old son who used to think I was his world and I loved it! No one could be better than me and I could do no wrong. He wanted to spend EVERY waking hour with me and no one else. When his father and I seperated in January of 2003 he has to go back and forth (which I hated) and he would cry and not want to leave me. That made me so sad, but also made me happy that he loved me that much that he didn't want to leave me. Well since he's gotten older and him and his Dad have became more friends than father and son I can really see the changes. I think it's because in our house with me and his step-father it's structured with rules and punishment. With his father it's all games and fun and no authority. I think at this age kids just want to have fun and not have rules and test the parents. Believe me it kills me that he always asks to call his Dad and when he's with him he NEVER calls me I have to call him, but I have to try and understand. Eventually in time he'll realize who really loves him and cares about him and he'll understand that the ONLY thing his Dad and him did together was play video games. I hope this helped you understand that you're not the only one going through this. It sucks and I'm sorry and hopefully it'll get better for both of us!

Dear Alexis ~
You do not need your "Mamma's boy" back - you need a HEALTHY, well adjusted child. Our job is to raise strong, independent children, who are not torn about their feelings for their parents. A "mother smothered" child is NOT healthy! You are blessed that your son has a good relationship with his father, and should always try to foster that relationship. It is important for your son that he never feel guilty about having a strong relationship with either of his parents, so don't play the guilt trip on him. Continue to be the best parent you can be, and as he grows up to be a man, he will love you for who you are - someone who put her child's best welfare above her own insecurities. It's hard work - that's what parenting is. It's sacrifice and a challenge of your own ability to be an adult. Keep it together and weather the normal phases of your child. YOU CAN DO IT! Good luck! ~K.

i have a 2 year old son and he is a big time M.'s boy but i was never married to his dad and he still goes to his dad's every other weekends and my son still hates going his dad because he dosent want to leave his M.... so i dont understand why your son wants his daddy not you.... is he with you alot??

Not knowing your situation I hesitate to give advice, but since you asked for advice...

My parents divorced when I was very young (4 years old) It was and continues to be a huge struggle for me (and now I am 36 years old) If it is at all possible for you two to work things out and get back together, your son will love you both and he will be much happier. Sorry, I know this is not the answer you were hoping for, but it's what I feel in my heart.

Best, A.

Being a divorced mother of 2 boys, I understand what you are going through. Jealousy is normal, but don't let it eat at you! My two boys see their father only 4-5 times a year - their father's choice, due to work and other things. Their father wears a crown in their eyes, and I am their constant - so I don't get the same attention that their father does. I was raised by my mother and step-father and did not know my father until I was 15...terrible situation for a child. Raise your son to love his father unconditionally and never speak ill about him in front of your son - that will only lead to a lack of respect and resentment in the future. I respect you for your true and honest feelings...I think it is normal, but again, just don't let it play a role in your relationship between you and your son. I take pride in knowing that my children 8 years later still love and worship their father. That is a compliment to me!! There are so many parents who pit their children against each other and put them in the middle, to only lead to resentment and hatred in the end. Also remember that when he is with his father, it is free time. Meaning, I am sure the father is off from work - free time to spend quality time with your son - and often the rules are a little lax. When your son is with you, it sounds like you are busy with school and I am sure your son is on routine.

Keep your head high, and encourage the relationship with his father - it will only be a positive experience for your son - which is your main concern! Good luck and I will say a prayer for you and your son!

I can't believe some of the responses you've received! This is normal and what you are feeling is normal!!
I wouldn't worry about it too much. This is actually a normal stage of development. My son was literally attached to my leg constantly until he was around the same age. Then he realized that he was a boy and started to align himself with my husband.
Kids go through this at that age. When they start to understand gender they start to identify with the same-sex parent more. They tend to go to extremes of gender: dolls are only for girls, truck are only for boys, boys don't play with girls, etc...
His dad may also play in a different way with him that is especially attractive right now. My son loves to climb all over his dad; his dad swings him all over the place. They play very differently. Boys (even dads) just prefer different activities than girls. Even though I play actively with my son, he only gets that rough "boy" play with his dad. He is just too big for me to play like that anymore- I have plenty of bruises already and have almost broken my nose several times-I am just not a guy. I don't find that fun like they do.
At that age, they also start wanting to be more independent. This can lead them to actively push away their primary caregiver as a way to assert themselves in the world. They have to separate from us to step out on their own. This kind of behavior seems to come and go for a while as they try out new roles for themselves. However, they still love you and need you. In fact, they need your guidance more than ever.
Right now, my son (4) is very attached to his dad. Dad can do no wrong and everything I do is wrong, according to my son. However, if he gets hurt or needs comforting he always comes to me. He still relies on me to take care of him in our daily routines and guide his behavior as he tries out his independence (and clean up those inevitable messes!). Because I am his primary caregiver, he feels comfortable with me-so comfortable that he knows he can try out different behaviors with me and I will still love him. He may be disciplined if the behavior is inappropriate, but I always love him.
I feel jealous sometimes too, but I try to focus on this as a positive step for my son. It's impossible not to feel some loss as your baby grows up (especially when they're only 2!). My husband was deployed for a year when my son was 2 and we started getting into these issues when he was 3, but the feelings are real. You've spent so much time with them and been so close. You miss that. My son was so attached I couldn't even go to the bathroom by myself and I hated the lack of privacy. Then, when he became more independent, I missed having him by my side all the time. I soon realized that I needed to enjoy my newfound freedom and appreciate his independence. Try to look at the bright side: now you can pursue more of your own interests without feeling guilty about not being there for your son. Now I can read the paper, e-mail, clean, scrapbook, even get together with friends and talk while the kids play. It's really nice once you get used to it!
It's hard to watch them step away from you, but that really means that you have given him the confidence he needs to take that first step to independence. He knows that you will always be there to help him when he needs it, guide him, nurture him, care for his needs, and love him unconditionally. You've done a great job! Now is the time to congratulate yourself, marvel at his independence, and enjoy his journey into boyhood.

One fact you are missing is you did not have that boy by yourself. It took two of you. You have had your time with him from the time of conception, birth and now the chid is two. Just because, he showing his affection to dad does not mean he loves you less. At 23 you are already starting a dangerous trend; momma's boy is not attractive and you are not looking at the future. I am a single mother of 12yr boy and one thing I refused to raise is a momma's boy. He is very independent, learning how to cook(still rough around the edges), but by the time he reaches manhood, he will not be a liability to himself, to me, to society or to any woman he meets. Let this child bond with his father. Let this child have a father/son time. My son's spends his birthdays with his aunt.The last birthday outing I had with him; he was 9yrs old. Let it be,this is not a competition.

Hi Alexis,
My sister is a single mom of a 2 year old, but Connor's dad isn't in the picture. - I don't have any practical advice for you, but I just wanted to say I can only imagine that what you are going through is extremely difficult. I will be praying for you because God is amazing and truly desires our happiness.

ps. I did hear recently that this attachment shift at this age is normal. Kids go through some wild stages. I'm assuming you are already doing special things with him (zoo, etc?) You might just have to wait it out.

Wow! Really?? Did you really say this stuff in a public forum??
Please don't use your son like that. You want him to love you more?? If you and your husband are separated, he is probably clinging to every second he can get with his father. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but believe me, you are using your son for your self-esteem. Just love him like you always do. It's not a competition.
By the way, if he did a 360, that would mean he came full circle and became a mamma's boy again.

This is a completely normal stage and your feelings are completely normal. Given some time he will switch back to you and then back to your ex. and so on. Just be patient and take lots of deep breaths. I bet if you jokingly mention it to your ex, you'll find out that there are times when they are together that he wants to be with you.

I am sure this is a stage....all little ones go through. Is your son living with you now that you are separated? It may be because he misses his daddy.
My husband travels a lot for work...more than before and I notice my daughter asking for him more and she knows he is at work, but misses him terribly.

Hi M. K! I am pretty new at this parenting thing. My son has just turned 6 months yesterday. When I read of your dilema with your son, I was reminded of something I listened to on Focus on the Family, which is a ministry to families. On one of their broadcast they were talking about young boys, and how when they reach a certain point in developing they start to discover their gender--that they are not like Mom but like Dad. I think they said anywhere from 18-24(maybe more) months. It is during this time that it is crucial for them to be able to connect with their Dad/male role in their lives. That way they are not struggling in the future with their gender.
I know you got so much advice from others, so I just thought I'd give you this info.
:)

Its totally normal for kids his age to go back and forth between parents as to who is his favorite. Try not to let it bother you. Check out www.mothering.com or www.askdrsears.com for more info. In the meantime it may be worth figuring out why you 'need' your 'mamma's boy back.
Good luck!

Hi Alexis; don't be jealous because your son wants to be with his father. Continue to love him unconditionally when he's with his father and when he's in your presence. You can also have a wonderful relationship with your son. Take your focus off of being jealous and focus on the things you can do with your son when he's with you. I have two sons and even though you want your 2 1/2 year old to be a "mama's boy", keep in mind, when he get older do you still want him to be a mama's boy or do you want him to grow up and be the man that he's supposed to be? But thank GOD that the father is in his life and he does want to be with is father. Always remember, it doesn't matter how much time he spend with dad, you are ALWAYS mama and he won't forget that.

I know exactly how you feel. My son is 6 now. My ex and I seperated when he was 2. He has gone back and forth between my ex and I many times...and even perferred his step dad to me for a little while! It does hurt but just remember its temporary. He will always love his mom, even if he doesn't know how to show it. All you can do is try hard not to show your jealous, just show him all the love you have for him. He shouldn't have to pick sides but if he knows that your jealous it might push him away further, and that is exactly opposit of what you want. What always helps me is reading books and articles. Try searching www.parents.com for similar situations. Good luck! And remember your son loves unconditionally.

Please know that the most influential person in a child's life is the same sex parent. Be happy that your child loves you both and please don't ever try to get him to love you more. It's not healthy for a child to feel torn. Best of luck to you.

Children go thru phases in their bonding. Your son is being very normal. Accept that sometimes he will want you and sometimes he will want Dad. This is a healthy mentality. If you try to interfere with this process you will not win your son's love. Never say a bad word about his Dad. Let your son love you both. AF

Children change their minds as to who they want to be around from time to time. Whatever you do, try not to take it personally. If your son feels your emotions about the situation, it may be more harmful than good. Simply love him every day and pray for peace for yourself. Good luck and God bless.

Alexis,
The love that your son and his father share is certainly admirable; however, your fellings are very natural. You have to embrace their relationship without making them feel that they have to accommodate your jealously. Continue to let your little one know that he is loved by you and his dad. The label "mamma's boy" can have some negative implications as he matures. You really want to be careful of that so that he doesn't internalize that term and become enmeshed.

Its natural to be a little jealous. But don't go too far with that. Remember he is only a baby. And be glad that he has a close relationship with his daddy. Just continue loving him the way you always have and feel confident that you are a great Mom. Little boys will always gravitate toward thier fathers as they grow older because they want to mimmick every thing they do. That behavior is very healthy and it will help him grow into a man when he gets older. Just be patient and mature. You don't want to get into a competition thing with your ex. That could backfire and be unhealthy for you son...... Good luck

I believe your son loves you very much. Maybe you should begin to do the activities that his dad does with him. I know being a single mom is not easy and you have to divide your time between your child and getting all the things done in two days off. Try engaging in the activities that his dad shares with him and add your own. You must make your son as comfortable in your home as he is in his dad's. You sound like a good mom. Also, is there loud arguing going on in your home? If so maybe it makes him feel uncomfortable, as much as he may like the people in the house any kind of disturbance can make the difference.

Good Luck

I know the feeling!
My ex and I separated when my daughter was about the same age and I've always had primary physical custody. The downside to that is mom becomes like the furniture, but dad hung the moon! It's kind of an unavoidable side effect: dad isn't around as much so he's therefore more interesting, plus when she does stay with him (every weekend) she gets to stay up late, eat all the junk food and watch all the TV she wants. What might make you feel better--

- it's better than the alternative, where dad has primary custody but you're the weekend spoiler! Your son takes you for granted because he knows you're there for him all the time. If he's not as clingy and love-y any more, consider it a positive sign that he feels confidence and security in your relationship!

- it's completely normal for all kids to have episodes of favoring one parent over the other. If you and your ex were together it wouldn't bother you (as much), you might even be glad about it (as in, "good, YOU can give him a bath and put him to bed tonight!"). It's nothing personal.
I know you don't want to set a precedent when it comes to custody, but do consider letting them spend more time together. My ex takes the daughter to school every day, which is generally good for everyone-- helpful to me, nice for her, and lets him have a routine kind of experience with her instead of just the weekend good guy. (Downside is I have to see him every day, but it's just for a minute)

- I know from experience as a kid of divorce and a parent, what kids really do appreciate is consistency and an even-keeled temperament. Don't react by suddenly starting to indulge him in ways you wouldn't before, with stuff or privileges. Bribery doesn't work, in fact, kids smell your emotional insecurity and it freaks them out! If you want his attention, what works is to not fawn over him but do your own thing and let his curiosity get the best of him...

"Look, M. bought you the crayons you wanted" doesn't work--
but what will is sitting down and drawing pictures until he comes up to you and wants to join in.

Hang in there. Remember, it's a phase!

My husband and I separated when my son was six months old. He's two now and I have seen him go from mamma's boy to daddy's boy in a heartbeat. Stay patient and you will soon have your mamma's boy back!