Hi Moms!
I want to know what you think about this situation. My husband and I have been considering adopting a little 9 year old girl that is the daughter of a distant relative of mine. The little girl has "emotional issues", we haven't met with her or the social worker yet. I have just been visiting with the social services about the possibility. Her mother's parental rights are not terminated yet but they expect to soon.
I don't know if this will work out or not because as you can tell a lot is still up in the air. We have just felt this calling to help little children in the foster care system and this is the first situation that we have considered.
Anyway...my husband has been working in a situation where a young lady that is home from college lays out tanning very close by where he is working quite often. He has been acting really funny when he comes home a lot. I mean I can just tell when he walks through the door that something is not right with him!
He has been addicted to pornography in the past and we have gone through quite a lot with that and some issues that he had with an exgirlfriend that was before me. (She was an exotic dancer and I was a farm girl that had never even dated anyone till I met him! As you can tell we were quite different!)
I told him that I thought we needed to wait for a while to see about adopting the little girl and I've also told him that he makes me feel insecure when he acts so "goofy" when he comes home after being around the girl that tans where he's working. In fact, I've gotten mad at him a few times when he's come home which I'm sure makes the temptation worse!!!
I don't want to be having marriage trouble and dealing with a little girl's emotional issues at the same time! Am I being too jealous? Am I just insecure? Do I need to just continue on with what we have planned and have confidence in my husband?
He really is a good father to our kids and I couldn't ask for a more hardworking guy! I'm just feeling insecure!
Thanks Mamas! Just writing about my feelings of insecurity helped a lot and then reading your heartfelt advice was so great! I'm actually glad this issue surfaced now rather than if it had waited till we had just started adjusting to bringing another child into our home. I realize that I was mostly just getting paranoid about this really minor situation and last evening my husband was able to admit that he was having some "problems" and would have thought there was something wrong with me if this situation was turned around and I had been acting like he has(it must have been all those prayers at work!) We still have our counseling materials from last year when he had regressed back into porn addiction so we are going to go over those again and at this point he's willing to go back to the counsellor if we think we need it. We are planning to just wait to adopt a child and I'm praying that the right family will come along to give little Shawna the love and care she deserves. Please keep us in your prayers -- it really helps! Thanks again!
what do you mean by acting goofy? If you have any reservations at all than you should wait. Like you said you don't want to bring her into you home if you have marriage problems.
A.,
i can tell you that i definitely identify with a lot of what you're saying - my husband was my "first" too, and i was the naive country girl who moved to the city and fell in love. so I GET IT. and i will tell you, i fell in love with the "bad boy", and yes, i got burned - he did cheat on me. in our situation we worked it out, and we have an understanding. he understands that if it happens again i will not only leave and take his child but probably take Mr. Happy with me in a bucket! just kidding, but seriously...there is nothing about paranoia or insecurity you can tell me that i haven't felt. trust me! but it comes to a point where you have to put it aside for your sanity. the truth is you will NEVER know what he does when he's not with you. so you can either live in fear, making your life (as well as his) miserable, OR you can decide, when or if you have ACTUAL proof - not paranoia, THEN you will know what to do -and get on with your life. until you have actual proof you will never be able to make a decision with a clear conscience. if you act on "suspicions" you will always love him and always wonder, blaming yourself for acting rashly. at least i would. so i got to the point where i just had to let it go. i still have my "moments", but he has matured and we have truly moved past it...so that's my two cents...feel free to email me if you want to talk. trust me, like i said, i have felt what you are!
I would start with working on God helping you beat the devil with your battle of insecurity and with that I don't mean that you ignore any weird gutt feelings that you have in regards to your husband. The temptations that are set before us on earth are the devil's traps. It's almost like the devil sees us doing good so he sets a trap to see if we will fall for it. Continue to let you husband know how him looking at other women make you feel and then see how he responds. How you move forward is now up to you...sometimes we, (wives) put ourselves in a pit of doom and gloom and it's dangerous for our marriages because our husbands need us to have a peaceful Spirit and the only way to have that is, "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galations 6:7-9
Our purpose here on this earth is to discover what God's plan is for us and use it to bring as many people as we can to His Kingdom. I'm not trying to be a preacher, trust me, I do not have this qualification whatsoever..I struggle with the same insecurity battles as you on a daily basis and I probably handle them about the same as you, but I find myself in such a better place and feel so much better about myself when I have my mind, body and Spirit where it should be focused which is on God.
Try a week of praying earnestly for the decisions you face be clear as to what God's purpose is for you and your family and I will do the same for mine and hopefully we will see God working his amazing wonders in our lives. Hope this helps.
A.,
Speaking as a mother who has adopted one and is now a registered foster parent (although have not yet taken placement of a foster child), I would suggest waiting until you and your husband are both happy with the relationship you share with each other.
Adopting a child can be a stressful situation, even more so when the birth parent's rights are still in question and in the court system. Children can sense stress so perhaps it would be best to minimize the pre-existing stress of the girl tanning before adding the stress of adoption. Trust your intuition.
please put foster parenting on hold until your own situation is resolved. Kids in foster care need stable environments....
As for your marital woes, time for some counseling to resolve your own issues with your husband's behavior. Hopefully he will also agree to seek counseling, but at this point- please try to find help for your own insecurities. And one thing which really jumped out at me: how do you know about the sunbathing college student? Did he tell you or did you see her?? That question would be a good starting point for figuring out how to proceed! I wish you Peace.
Without knowing you two it's hard for people to say. But I would not add another child to a situation where you feel insecure. Because if you feel that way - your kids feel that way and the new one will feel that way.
That being said "intuition" can mean something. Not necessarily "everything" but something. I would go to your pastor (if you have one) If not I would get involved in a church (christian) with my family.
Ask your husband?
Praying for you,
L.
Hi A.,
First off, I don't think you're being insecure... well, maybe a little. I completely understand the pornography issue. My husband and I went through the same thing. So, eventhough I shouldn't be insecure, I am. I think it's only natural. I would be a hypocrite if I said to not be insecure, etc.
With that said, I think you are being smart about having reservations of adopting a little girl at this time. I have worked with students who have emotional disturbances (I'm a spec. ed teacher) and it's exhausting. You need to be one-two-three steps ahead of the child. It sounds like you can do that; but I don't think it would be fair to you to deal with your husband's issues at the same time. If anything, you both need to be partners in raising a child. And, eventually, she will find out about your husband's addiction and may use it against you. You don't need that.
Please don't misunderstand me; I'm not saying not to adopt. I think that you are up to the task and have a lot of love you can offer. I think that little girl would be lucky to have a mother like you. I just hope that your husband realizes your needs as well and just how supportive he needs to be.
I hope this makes sense... I have two little ones trying to get my attention so I'm a little distracted :)
Good luck. I will be thinking of you.
I think you should take care of your own situation before attempting to bring anyone else into it. I think there woudl be home studys and pscholical tests, etc. before the adoption could take palce anyway, so maybe the truth woud come out then, but why not make sure your life is what you think it is and that you guys are truely in the right place to care for someone else. I'm not sure why a girl tanning all day long near your husband working should be a bother to either of you, it sounds like there may be some lingering trust issues. "Looking" isn't wrong, for the most part, I feel. Maybe your husband knows that you don't fully trust him b/c of the past and now he feels weird after "looking" all day long. Or... maybe its more than that, but that all needs to be tended to before you should invite anyone else to share in your life. Good luck, we are also considering adoption of an older child.
A., I agree with you 100% that you need to postpone bringing this little girl into your home until you and your husband have dealt with your personal issues. You will need all of your attention and energy to devote to each other, and I Would seriously suggest that you look into some counseling for both of you. I am not saying that I think your husband is cheating...I think that your feelings of insecurity and unease are going to start to effect your marriage, whether it is based on fact or whether you are simply letting your imagination run away with you. I have been where you are today....my husband and I went through many many years of problems and I can tell you that once you feel insecure and afraid...it doesn't take much to set you off!!! We recently celebrated our 40th anniversary and I can tell you that things have never been better between the two of us...so it IS possible to make a long lasting, loving marriage out of a less than perfect beginning!!!
R. Ann
As much as you want to say something to him, my advice is to have confidence in him- give him the benefit of the doubt until there is reason to have any. You may only pull him further away with false accusations or giving him the cold shoulder. Just continue loving him, help remind him why he married you in the first place. If he is doing something he should feel guilty about, he'll soon change his ways and come back to you. Just put all your energy into giving him a happy home to come to. And maybe even spice up the sex life and try something different to excite him. Good luck!!
K.
