I'm a One Upper!

I think AV's suggestion is correct: consider what the person who is originally speaking wants from the conversation. Sometimes, people aren't looking for advice, they are just looking for a bit of commiseration or empathy from someone they trust.

I've found that when I have stories, a night out with the ladies is often a better time to share those things than when someone is just wanting an ear. I also use "hmm..." a lot when to show that I'm listening - it's an acknowledgment which lets the speaker continue without really interrupting their own train of thought. And sometimes, a "Let me know how that works out" or "You know, I've had to deal with that too... if you want ideas, let me know"-- this extends the offer of advice without actually giving it unless it's wanted.

Depends on the audience. You can also try to think of it as writing a news article. What are the highlights? What's most important? Did the person ask for this advice? Are you making it about you?

Example: my sister texts me that her son got a rash. Rather than launching into all the things that have made DD get rashes, I might say, "Poor kiddo. Do you know what caused it?" It's about her and her kid, not mine.

i love that you recognize this tendency and are sensitive to how it can come off to others!
it wasn't until i picked up on how annoyed i get when others do this to me, that i realized i'm guilty of the same thing.
it helps to be aware of your 'audience' (and to understand that they're not actually an audience, but folks with whom you should be interacting.)
if they ask for your input or perspective, you're good to go. but the key is to listen and watch them as they're relaying their tale, and pick up on verbal cues and body language. if you're sitting there wiggling and fizzing, dying for them to finish so you can launch into YOUR version, you will come off very poorly. sometimes people are actively seeking other people's experiences, sometimes they just want to vent.
we see it here all the time, don't we?
my dad is an amazing storyteller. it's one of his best traits. the downside is that almost anything now (he's 80) is a trigger for a story. he really doesn't converse at all any more, he just looks for opportunities to tell stories (and most of us have heard 'em all several hundred times now.) so i never really feel as if he's listening to me. he just wants a Giant Ear to give him positive feedback and applause. his best trait has become one of his worst traits.
and i know that if i'm not careful, i'll be right there too.
be aware of the needs and interests of your conversationalists, and try not to dominate the flow of talk.
i'll be working on it right there with you!
khairete
S.

I used to be a one-upper without knowing it. It was tough, but I realized gradually that it is nice to just listen to others and their opinions, without giving in to the urge to say something of your own.
Today, I'm doing OK. Learnt that my opinions and experience make bigger impact when I offer them only if asked, rather than handing out free samples. :D

You are pretty self aware if you noticed it yourself! You will change in no time.

I've found myself in that situation and have given myself a plan.

Use one sentence to describe your story. If they want more information about your experience, they will ask. If they want to talk more about their experience, then they wont and you will have to be satisfied about your sentence.

Let me tell you about how much of a one upper I am!

I'm so much of a one-upper that my one-uppermanship was recently the subject of an entire website article. My depth of knowledge was unmatched, and my stories are always voted the best.

In fact, I have written this question before and I got over 200 responses! The outpouring of love for me was really...well...it was way more than anyone else.

But you have a good time with your question too. :)

I used to be this way. I learned: Keep your mouth closed and respect the speaker. It's not all about you.

Your one-upmanship is all about YOU and your need for attention. How would you feel if someone was always pouncing into your conversations to tell a great story about themselves?

So hush up. You tell your stories another time. Or wait until an obvious lull in the conversation. And by obvious, I mean a pregnant pause where people are looking around uncomfortably in the silence.

A good listener is hard to find. And WELL appreciated.

Try to step outside of yourself.
Do YOU like to be around people who constantly feel the need to give their opinion and advice, whether or not you asked for it?
I understand being older and wiser and wanting to share that wisdom, but that's what's so great about a site like this, you can do it HERE without subjecting people in the real world to it!
People want to be around people who ask questions and listen to what they have to say, so if you want people to like you I suggest doing that :-)

other people's stories totally remind me of my own stories. I think this is why I tend to be a story topper, which may be a little different than a one upper (and I'm doing it right now, ha ha). Anyways, I was once told I was a story topper. I don't know if this person was irritated or just noticing, but I'm glad he said something because I wasn't familiar with the concept or term, but was fairly certain he was right. So ever since I really weigh wether my story is worth telling or is it better to just listen and let the other person have the glory. I shut up about 3 out of 4 times now that I'm aware of this tendency. Well maybe 1 out of 2 anyways. I think its a matter of first, being aware that you do this, and second, using some self control. For us talkers, there sometimes needs to be a deliberate attempt at listening to others instead of waiting to talk. And not just courtesy listening, but really making a decision to be interested in others and what they say. Comments can be a great way to show you were listening, so not sure you have a problem here or not. Perhaps focus more on asking people questions instead of offering comments. That helps keep more focus on them but you still get to talk!

I think you have to learn to simply become a better listener.. What we might consider valuable knowledge, another may not.. I used to go into conversations thinking it has to be a little give and take.. Now, while that might be true (sometimes) it doesn't have to be the case all the time. I am at a point where I make a strong effort to not only listen to someone else, but I also questions... something I don't think I did enough of in the past.. I think that stems from being a bit of a know it all.. Granted, that wasn't my intention, I did however come off as such..

Just because you always have a comment doesn't mean it needs to come out of your mouth. Instead of talking try just listening and letting someone's story unfold. One uppers are annoying. You don't want to be annoying.

People are usually very interested in getting their own stories out, rather than listening to others. Become a listener, and give your advice only if they ask for it.

How do you perceive yourself as a "one upper"?
Do you interrupt conversations to tell someone what YOU did?
Do you wait until the person is done telling their story and say "Wow! That's great...I did blah blah blah"

What I have found out about ME? I love to share my stories too!! So when someone says "I did blah blah blah" and I did something similar - I want to share!! That's human nature, right? You are sharing your experiences, stories, etc...

I don't like stealing someone's thunder...either...so I have learned to curb my enthusiasm for sharing...when someone posts something on Facebook- I congratulate them...instead of saying "OH MY WORD!! That is sooo cool...I remember when..." you learn to listen. When you go to speak next time? Take a deep breath...think it out...before you talk...LISTEN for cues...LISTEN to what they are saying...

YOU CAN DO IT!!!

Practice active listening and its awesome that you acknowledge this behavior and are trying to change it! Also, go volunteer your time in one of your areas of expertise! :) For ex. If you know alot about history, go and volunteer at a school history class or go and chat with lonely seniors at the senior center. HTH

Amy J. gave you great advice. Listen more, talk less! Maybe only tell your stories if someone asks for your opinion.

I have a friend who is a one-upper to ridiculous proportions. She grew up without many material things, and now that she has money for material things, she constantly has to one-up. Usually I just let it go since I don't see her very often, but at a recent lunch, I decided to try a little experiment. We had both recently purchased new cars. I knew she'd be bragging her butt off about her car, so I decided I'd be a one-upper too just for fun. As she bragged about all of the features of her car, I just smiled then rattled off all of the things mine had in addition to hers (navigation, DVD, leather seats) I could see her getting visibly agitated and angry. She was so pissed that she asked for the check and said she had to get going. A little taste of her own medicine didn't go down so well!

It's one thing to tell a story. It's another thing to tell a story after someone else has just shared their story, stealing their thunder.

Control yourself by reminding yourself that you are not only annoying, but may have made someone else feel bad.

Be nice and supportive by enjoying someone else's story and then telling them so. It's a great practice in self-discipline to remain quiet about your own.

I have this tendency, most guys do. Like someone previously said, if you aren't interrupting I don't think it's big deal. And only contribute if your story really pertains to their story.
For example if a friend put in wood floors, and you did as well. Let them say something specific about the job, "the door frames were hard to cut" and if you thought it was easy or found a tool to help, then you could say "oh I know,but I did find this awesome tool at Lowes…."
Hope that makes sense. Good luck.

Just like there are marriage mates there are friendship mates. Meet people who are not intimidated by your style. So often we try to change ourselves rather just embrace who we are and change our circle to embrace us back.

Doris Day made a good point. Check out the number of friends that you have.

SWH> Oh no, the coworker felt that was an issue to take to the boss???

My mom does this. She's interesting to people at first but after much time she gets pretty annoying. I grit my teeth for most of her visits and just try to be polite. You don't want others to think of you that way! Don't forget to let others be in the spotlight...and ask them about themselves...and let it all be about them sometimes. My mom comes across as very narcissistic once you've known her a while. She can't keep friends.

Be honest with yourself in regards to if you have a lot of friends. If you do, and they like to be around you, then you must not be SO bad about this issue. If you find that you start out with friends and then they drop out of your life and find other friends without including you, then maybe what is happening is that they see you as overbearing.

It IS nice to find friends who appreciate who we really are. But sometimes we need to tone who we are down a little bit to make other people comfortable. That doesn't mean we are giving up who we inherently are - if you are an extrovert, you can't "be" an introvert for someone else. But... there is a point that saying anything you want to say crosses over from being "yourself", and becomes an issue of not putting a filter between your brain and your mouth. Some people use this as an excuse to say anything they want, as if it's somehow "okay" to offend people. All that does other than lose them friends and make people think poorly of them, is lose the opportunity to have friends who are a little different from them. Really, we miss out on life a LOT when we only want to associate with people just like ourselves...

You're asking this question, so it's bothering you. You've gotten a few good ideas here in regards to listening more and knowing your audience. I hope this helps.

Good for you for recognizing a problem and trying to correct it!

It's all about the proper time and place, I think. It's about listening and waiting to see if the person you are talking with needs advice or is looking to learn from your experience. Or are they just trying to vent?

I see this a lot on Facebook. It's amazing how people post about an accomplishment or something wonderful, and instead of offering support, people talk about themselves! Too funny.

Anyway, actively listen and if you feel like giving your two cents is actually beneficial and worthwhile, then do it!

When I was 19 I spent 6 months abroad in France. Upon my return, I had an advisor that pointed out that no one wants to hear everything out of your mouth start with "...when I was in France..." It was really tough to not bring it up in every conversation, especially since I had spent so long there, but it really helped me think before I spoke and not alienate people.

Best of luck in trying to change a habit!

It is all in the presentation. If you are saying it as a "know it all" you're a one upper ... if you say it to share information you are experienced.

wow really? do you have alot of friends?