Ideas for a Mom Seeking Daddy Help

Short version, if he is so "set in his ways" and is unwilling to compromise and be a man and relize he has a responsiblity of a family now, DUMP HIM AND MOVE ON.

Good Morning S.;

There comes a time in everyone's life where they have to look at the picture the way it is and not the way they want it to be!!
Your At That Point!!!
We men are strange beings>>as long as we're getting our suger and spices and not having to pay for them with either
money or feelings, then we'll just keep on doing the same ole same ole!
No man is "Set" in his ways, if he is, then you don't want him in your life! If he isn't willing to marry you and take full time care of you and his son then it is time to do two things!!
#1 Get an attorney and sue for child support
#2 Get him out of your life and move on!
Life is too short to be carrying the burden by your self!
Good Luck and Enjoy Life
B. C.

S.,

I think it's time to move on. If he was really interested in being with you and your baby then he would be making the effort. You need to think about you and your son. I had my son at 21 and was a single mom. His father was the same way. He would take part in my son's life when it was convienent for him. You need to get an attorney or go to the Attorney General's office and set up child support that way you know that it is court ordered for him to pay child support. This way you don't feel like you are begging him to help you out. That doesn't mean he'll pay it but at least you know that you have set it up.

There are plenty of men here in Austin who are ready to be fathers and who will want to be with you. Don't waste your time on one that is a dud. Write down everything you want in a husband and father for your son and then don't settle for any man that's less. I did this and you'd be amazed at what God will bring you. I ended up a single parent for about 5 1/2 years but I was able to focus on myself and son and what we needed. Even when my son's father didn't help financially God provided the money for everything we needed. I now have a wonderful husband who loves my son and has a wonderful relationship with him. He doesn't treat him like a step son in any way. He's hard working and we are now awaiting the arrival of son number 2. These men exist but as long as you are waiting around for Mr. Wrong to step up to the plate you won't meet Mr. Right.

i am in my fifties- and so my "take" on this situation is so much different. You sound so nice and caring - and you deserve so much more. Society today has "sanctioned" these "live-together" arrangements without the benefit of marriage - and when the kids come along - you find out that all you really had was nothing. It is my belief, and what i have observed for 40 or more years, that when a man REALLy loves you and wants you, then it is amazing how fast a ring will go on your finger and the marriage vows will be spoken. Women today are making it way too easy for the men and cheating themselves out of a happy long term relationship.

Bottom line - he does not really want to be there in that relationship, or he would be. Quit whining and begging - you set the "stage" for this entire scenario yourself. The two of you have not made that true "committment" to each other - or rather he hasnt. Cut him loose and establish your own "family" with or without his help. You CAN make it on your own. In the future, do not live with any man until you are married. In life you have to make and find your own happiness, from your kids, family , friends, and worthwhile meaningful activities. "Men" are just the icing on the cake.

You are a loving person and deserving of the best - so dont settle for less. Once you put your energies into being happy all on your own, then it is amazing how, when you least expect it, the "right" man , who truly loves you and wants to publically commit to that, comes along and you experience true happiness without all this unnecessary drama.

Hang in there, and good luck.
L.
About me: working mom married 32 years with two grown kids.

If the time when he is with you is antagonistic, argumentative, tense, or otherwise uncomfortable then that will undermine his desire to spend more time with you. Honestly, he's not going to invite you to hang out with his friends if he thinks you both will end up fighting in public or in front of them.

Actually, I'm not sure what it is you want from him. Your post's title indicates you want more help, but your post seems to only mention that you want more bonding and family time. (Not the same thing...) Perhaps he doesn't exactly know what it is you want and expect from him either and whenever you both try to discuss it, it becomes more of an argument. If he isn't clear on exactly what you're needing from him, and it escalates into anger, he's not going to know how to respond to that and it will shut him down. (When my daughter was that young, my husband always would say that he felt as if I expected him to read my mind; he'd say, "I'm not that smart. You have to clearly, calmly communicate... And if you can't express it in 1 concise sentence, then you don't know what you want either." Of course, I always felt that it should be OBVIOUS to anyone watching me what I needed help with--duh...!)

And, really the time between birth and 18 months are incredibly strenuous on a relationship. It's like every 4-6 weeks, you consider whether you want to kick him to the curb--You're tired, stressed out, the baby is taking all of your mental, emotional, and physical bandwidth, you feel like your identity is slipping away, you feel like your partner/husband has abandoned you or dumped all the work on you... he just doesn't get it. And then you have an epiphany: Every 4-6 weeks, he's thinking the same thing!

I'm sure he has qualities that are not mentioned in your note... As hard as it is, my suggestion is that you should try to make the time you are together as pleasant and enjoyable as possible. Swallow your anger. If you do have gripes, perhaps you and him can agree to have a once a week "gripe session": You get 10-20 minutes to air your complaints (he has to listen to them, no interruptions until its his turn to speak) and then, it is his turn. Both of you should have a pad of paper so you can at least write down what it is the other person is asking for change in (because arguments and frustration can overload your memory).

Good luck with everything. Things will get easier as your son gets older. The trick of course is to get through it while not alienating the other person.

S., I saw a red flag in your message: You said he is 7 years older and set in his ways. 30 is not too old to learn responsibility for family and compassion for your partner. Please do not make excuses for him. If you do, you are hurting yourself and your son and you are giving him a way out and an excuse not to grow. You are letting him off the hook. My husband was 30 when our first baby was born and he did learn to be a fantastic father. This is an issue of character and committment.

I commend you for trying so hard to keep your family together. He sounds like an immmature and selfish person. If he has only helped you one time wiht diapers and food and his mother had to be involved for that to happen.... he sounds like he is very immature.

I think you will not convince him. He shuts down when you try, so please try couple's counceling. If you can't afford it, see if your place of worship has these services. Or hey, join one that does.

I wish you luck!

I know you are trying hard, but your child needs to be first in any decisions you make at this point. You need to have "resolve" to take care of him and do whatever it takes to provide a stable home (even if its only you) and forget all of the emotional stuff. Step back and look at the situation - read your request as coming from someone else & you might see things differently. Stay focused at this time, your relationship with your boyfriend is not the main thing right now, its your son.

Hi S.,
Sorry to hear that you and your little one is going through such hard times with your boyfriend. But......At 30 years old if this BOY has not settled down with the birth of your child then he never will. He is not ready to commit to you much less his own son. I know that it is hard but I think it is time you put your child and your self first and move on. There are men out there that are ready to settle down and would gladly be the father that your child deserves and needs. You can't make a man change unless he wants to and apparently he is not ready to do that for you or his son. Leave, leave fast and don't look back. If he wants to be a part of the childs life great but if not then that is his loss. My prayers are with you. Cherish the time you have with your little one cause it will go by fast and then they leave home...... Good luck girl and god bless to you and your son.

The two of you need to see a counselor together. If he won't go, then find a way to do it on your own. He's 30 years old and from the sound of it, he is still acting like he's 20. Things are arranged so that you do all of the work - in the relationship and with your child - while he goes off and does his thing. So he's sitting pretty as far as he's concerned. He needs to grow up and you need to consider the possibility that this man-child is not the best person for you or your son.

Two other things occur to me: 1) 30 is awfully young to be set in his ways; and 2) get an attorney and make sure you get child support.

I'm in agreement with most of the replies. He does not want to be a part of a family now. He does not want to act like a dad. A big key is that you told him about child support papers and "he is cool with that." I think he is fully ready to pay child support for his baby and move on.
That would allow you to find a caring person---the right caring person---later in life.
I would ask him, to his face, if he is wanting to do that: pay child support and move on with his life.

You owe yourself an honest answer.

Hi S.,

Congratulations on the beautiful baby. I have had a lot of practice at being hurt too. I think you should ask yourself if you can put up with this pain for the rest of your life and if you think you deserve it. I had a lot of practice at being left at home and not treated nicely. The other side of it is do you want your child to grow up seeing his mommy treated badly. He will probalby learn the behaviour off his dad if you stay with a man who does not deserve you. It is not the way a loving man treats a wonderful girl like you.
I think you can do better. The way to stop being treated like a doormat is to get up and walk away. Look after yourself and your baby. You deserve a better relationship.
Good luck and be strong. Love is not always enough.

The best thing to do is to concentrate on you and your son. Find things for the two of you to do and definitely get a sitter and go out with your friends. I have found that the more you try and make a man do something the more he fights against it. So, I wouldn't even say anything to him anymore about hanging out. Once he sees you have your own things going on he'll do one of two things; If he wants to be with you, he'll start making time to hang out with you, otherwise he will move on. Either way you win. You deserve to be with someone who cares about you as much if not more than you care about him. I know it's easier said than done when you love someone, but you have to remember that as much as you love him, love yourself more and accept nothing less than the best from any man. A hard lesson I had to learn for myself.

Obviously, he's avoiding you for some reason. Perhaps it's just not what he wants to do. I don't mean to hurt your feelings but perhaps if he's just unwilling to pay attention to you, then it's time to move on. Him not wanting to be around & you being all emotional over that is just going to rub off on your son later & make for an unhappy situation. My suggestion is try to talk to your b-friend one more time & just ask him straight out, "do you want to be with me?" Just tell him how you feel. You can take the truth & yes your feelings will get hurt & you may become an emotional wreck but you will get past that. Wouldn't you rather know the truth so you can deal with that rather than just sitting at home? Why don't you go out, yourself? Go shopping, go to a movie. Hang out w/your friends. When you see him or talk to him on the phone, do you ask him how his day was? Does he ask YOU that? Sitting at home moping & crying about it won't change anything. Pick yourself up & get out of the house. Go to your mom's for the weekend & play games or visit for the day. Go to the park. You'll come to see that you don't need someone like him in your life, someone who doesn't seem to want to be with you. Perhaps he'll then see what he's missing when you're not there. My words are only to help, not hurt. Good luck!

He does not want to marry you or even have a family life with you. I'll bet if his mother wasn't in the picture, he wouldn't even see the baby on those week-ends. He doesn't want a commitment. He wants to hang with his friends and be a single guy. Wake up, girl. He's helped you out with food and diapers ONCE???? He helped create this child and he is responsible for it financially. It's time you seek legal help because he is most certainly a Dead-beat Dad.

You will not change this man, you can only change the situation. You yourself said he was set in his ways - which seems to be at the maturity level of an 18 year old. It seems to me you would be better off without him and spend your time raising a child who will become the kind of man a woman deserves. And look for someone who respects you and loves you and your son.

Hi S.,
So sorry you are having this interruption in your life- but, it seems to me you are hanging onto something that does not really exist- I would say- DUMP THIS GUY- you are young enough and apparently bright enough to find someone who wants to spend time with you and your child. I would seek legal counsel about getting support for your child and just let this fellow go- apparently he does not fit into the fatherhood role of responsibility and your pain will just continue to grow. Better for your child to have one truly loving parent and to know that parent will always be there. If this fellow is 30sh and is still immature he is not the one for you.

I hope this does not seem too harsh but apparently his mother has not taught him how to be responsible or she would be helping you more also......... especially for the love of her grand child.
Blessings