I'd Rather Do Anything Else but Have Sex.

I don't know how to help, but I do understand. I feel the same way you do towards sex. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Good luck!

I would try an herbal remedy.....evening primrose oil, you can get it at a "good" health store, not a GNC or Walmart. Hope this helps!!!

Hang in there! It is such a common thing for us Mom's to feel that way. I have it happen to me all the time too! I don't have the best advice..but I would go see a therapist. They can really help.

I've got three suggestions:

1)Help him learn where the "right buttons are". You said you had one lover who pushed them. It may have been so long ago that you don't remember anymore but try to relearn together.

2) Just do it! Put yourself on a schedule for a while. You don't have to tell hubby about the schedule if it makes you feel uncomfortable. I agree that not having sex has a snowball effect...the less you have the more you don't want to. But the snowball can work the other way. For me, the more I have, the more I want to. You'll have to figure out your 'perfect' frequency. For me 3-4 times a week is good. Less than that and I loose interest, more than that and I want to 'do it' every night. LOL

3) Have 'no sex dates'. You said yu liked the forplay well have 'sex' without actually having sex sometimes. The two you can decide before hand to make out like teenagers but with no pressure to actually do it a couple of times during the week. That may help you get ready for the weekend.

HTH
E.

You are sooooo not alone with this. Good for you for reaching out too!! I feel the same way. I have 1 12 month old little girl but even before her most of the time i could take it or leave it. BUT if you want to stay happily married u have to have sex...just a fact of life. I have done alot of prayer, God invented it...he wants us to have fun. I get annoyed because just like breastfeeding, sex should just be easy and good naturally, right? Why do we have to work so hard sometimes?? Whatever, it's just the way it is. Honestly i have a "special friend" i use quite often with my hubby, or just please him and not worry about myself. This feels annoying esp in the late evenings after i have breastfeed our baby and now i have to do what?? But really think about it...it's a small price to pay to keep your hubby happy. If he's good to you and your happy, keep him happy! I aim for a couple x a week for some kinda of sexual encounter. Get him to light some candles and get some red wine and music...make it a point to do something different 1 x a month. Being married, like any other relationship is constant work....geeezzzz..but anything worth it is work i guess. Spontaneous sex...there's no time for that anymore, lol. Things have to be planned or they don't get done, even sex! I am just trying to embrace it instead of being annoyed cuz that doesn't get us anywhere!

Please know you ARE NOT ALONE! Everything you said is everything I am going through as well! We love our spouses and we don't want to lose them. We may be busy with our children but there MUST be more to it than that. I hope that someone will respond and have the answers or at least a direction for you.

Oh my, I could have written this word for word myself and to think here I was feeling all along on the matter. I have two children, a 22 month old girl and a 5 month old boy. Sex has never been really enjoyable for me or at least not to the point of reaching a orgasam. Likewise I only reached this once with one guy before I was married. I feel so guilty for not desiring to be with my husband and I know he needs it. Like you said, that's how they express their love and how they feel close. I know being tired and stressed has a lot to do with it but I still feel there has to be something more or at least wish there was something I could do to throw the switch. Anyhow, as you can see I don't have any real advise... I just wanted you to know you weren't alone on this one. I will tell you that a few times it has helped a little if we change things up by not keeping to the usual and trying to "change things up a little". Sometimes just small different things have made it not feel as much as a chore (like him doing something special like putting the kids to bed and letting me take a candle lit bubble bath then giving me a massage). Sometimes just being relaxed some has helped.. Bust still a lot of times I find it near impossible to switch out of "mommy mode".

Hope we both can find a answer. I know it would feel nice to be there for our husbands and actually enjoy being there. :). God bless,

J.

I used to feel this way, too. My best advice to you, first of all, is to pray. See what HE reveals to you, because the answer is certainly inside you. That being said......
What does turn you on??? Do you know anymore? The body changes. Now that you are "Mommy", do you still see yourself as a sexy woman? It is REALLY hard to switch those hats, from mom, to personal chef, to secretary, to naughty kitten. Do you, ahem, take care of things yourself? I ask that because if you can get yourself "there", you can certainly mapquest your husband those same directions, in the form of a handheld GPS if need be, hint, hint. I am a big fan of writing down things for people. LOL.
When I was going through this, quite frankly, I was depressed. I didn't see any of my self worth. I knew people had needs or requirements of me, including sex, but I didnt feel loved, appreceiated, sexy, or anything- I was just a hand to wipe, a ninny to nurse, a mouth to scold, and whatever else. Not whole, you know? Then, I decided that since I was everything to everyone, there was nothing left OF me. Nothing left FOR me. I was losing myself. What helped? A prayer. A frank conversation, including what feels good, and what does NOT. Time for me, and me alone. A little selfishness sometimes. Good luck girl, you are certainly not alone. I feel so special being a part of this network.

What evelyn said!
Ditto ditto ditto to Everything Evelyn said.

help him to know the right buttons to push. Talk to him and DONT FAKE IT!! that's the worst thing you can do cause when you fake it , he thinks he's doing a good job when he's not and he will just keep doing the same thing cause he thinks it's working for you.

Kim,

As a mom myself raising two boys, I know that we all get tired sometimes, but you have to learn to take time to love yourself and then maybe you will allow your husband to show you how much he loves you. Close to the end of your letter you stated that only one person before your husband has been able to push all of your buttons. Might i suggest that you think back to what it was that he was doing to you and with you that you were enjoying sex an then explain what it is that you like and get him to do the same things. Sometimes in marriage we take things for granted and sex may have just become a daily routine to you just like doing the laundry and washing dishes. You may need to send the kids to an aunt or grandma and plan a special eveing with your husband and get the romance back in your marriage. Don't think that you don't have the time to do so. If you really love your husband, then you will find a way to make the time. Hug and kiss him like you use to do before you had the kids. Things like that should never stop, even when the kids come into our lives.

Yeah yeah to all what the doctors told you You might have part of the answer in your email One partner before push all the rights bottons Also you might try spending a relaxing week end if you know what I mean Also I will talk again to my doctor to make sure there is nothing physical wrong And also there are men and women do not enjoy sex at all

I struggle with this too. My hubby doesn't get it as often as he would like. But even after 2 kids, I am not in the same position as you where I don't want it at all.

First, It sounds like you need to take the time to "relearn" what turns you on. Second, I think you need to find a doctor who will listen. There are things out there that can help. If you don't do something, your marrige will likely fail, so don't be afraid to push your doctor for some intervention.

Go to a new doctor! It's shameful that they "blew off" your problem. Sex is such an important part of being a person, a woman, a wife!

One note, if it's hormonal they can help. If it's emotional, you might consider seeing a therapist. Either way, get help for your sexuality. Good for you for speaking up!

Yep, been there, done that. It is terrible for you and for him. And, it most likely is your body needing help. It is not time for that in your life. My issues all went away after working with a homeopath for 3 months (I continue it now). Wow, baby, it is great to be alive again.
If you are not so interested in homeopathy, you can go more mainstream by reading and beginning a protocol described in Ageless Medicine (Suzanne sommers). Our hormones are really screwed up. There is a great doc, practices in Canton and Buckhead (you would have to call to find out what he does where) named Dr. Jeff Donahue.
Don't accept that you or your husband have to live this way. I am living proof you can turn it around.
Send me a note if you want more info on homopathy or Donahue.
Best of luck, J.

You already have some great responses, however you are just like SO MANY tired moms and just want to go to bed. Only thing is...... you still need to have a great relationship with your husband because you kids won't stay at home forever.
My youngest is 8mos. and I think after having a baby things change too. I look at myself and think "oh gross" but I know how happy I make my hubby when we have a good sexual experiance and to me that is worth more than my own pleasure.
Anyway, Evelyn gave some great advice! You are not alone, infact your normal! Just keep working on it. I think if you are aware of this you'll pull through. Best of luck!

Mee too!

One thing that I can tell you is that I am grateful that my husband loves me and "wants" me in a sexually way. I am also thankful that he is man enough to get his satisfaction at home and not elsewhere. Now that being said, here what I do to cope. . .

Last week I told my husband to "go to the back and get naked"! A little reverse phychology never hurt anybody. At least I was in control and it made him feel like I wanted it.

If you think it's deeper than just being a tired mommy. . . you may try talk therapy with a trusted friend or therapist to see if there are deeper issues.

I wish you the best.

Dear Kim,
It may be a little difficult to express what I feel may need to be expressed but I will do my best, ok. First of all I am a mother of 3 daughters, 19, 15, and almost 12. I can remember when they were little, how I was so much like you are and now looking back I wish I would have been different and I wish I would have had someone to talk to openly about this. I think this is probablly a common problem with young mothers for many reasons. Looking back I was tired but if I would have did my schedule a little different, for instance putting them to bed a little earlier and taking time to prepare myself mentally and emotionally during the day I think that could have made a difference. I will make some suggestions just based on the little I know about you and from my own experience as a mom and wife. First of all, Sex is a natural and beautiful act that our creator, God, gave us for procreation and the fullfillment of love in marriage. Many of us do not have a healthy view of sex for many reasons, whether from childhood experiences, other experiences and many influences from other sources such as media, etc. It took me years to really let go of unhealthy views and take on more healthy views and to realize that sex is meant not just for making babies but for enjoyment and that it is perfectly acceptable before God and is meant to be a great source of pleasure in marriage. I don't have much more time but I will end by saying, take time and search your heart about the thoughts and feelings that seem to keep you from enjoying this part of your marriage. Be honest, write it down and if you are a person who prays, then ask God to help you to give you a new perspective about yourself and your husband. His need for sex is normal, and you can develop your own desire as you just give in and decide to make the best of it. The fact that he desires you is wonderful and if not you then it could be someone else. Be his wife and lover and you will not regret it. May you be blessed to find fullfillment and peace in this part of your marriage and every other part also. God Bless!!

Get a new doctor. You may need to be prescribed a hormone. Also, are you on any type of antidepressant? That can lower your libido to nothing.

Hi Kim,
Have you had your progesterone levels checked? Its a simple saliva test that can be done. Low progesterone levels can cause this. I started using Arbonne's Natural Balancing cream and my sex drive increased greatly! You use it topically for 2 weeks a month....maybe its something you could try?
If you want to learn more, let me know.
D.

I say seriously discuss with your OB and find out if you have hormonal imbalances, or maybe serious side effects of the others meds that you might be taking.

Research on a healthy diet and lifestyle that fits you and start one.

Seek a counselor that will help you on the emotional and spiritual aspect. Counselling will help you dig any problems in the past you might have that is affecting your views and feeling on your sex life now. Check if there are any issues that needs to come out to free you from enjoying the gift of marriage, that is sex.

Share your problems with women you respect... more mature women that are wives themselves who can actually give you wise counsel. The tendency with sharing problems with our own peers sometimes is that there tends to be a "pity party" if they happen to be in the same boat as you. And most times, the burden doesn't get any lighter because of it.

I know how some days can be tiring and overwhelming. Kids can suck the energy out of us that easily.

I am a stayhome mother of 2 busy young children myself, with a husband that comes home everyday whose only desire is to be with his family and love them.

God bless!

I wish I had some advise but I dont. I can tell you that your not alone. I have been feeling the same way and it gets worse everyday. I actually look forward to my period, that way I can use it as my excuse. I would try another doctor if I were you. I dont have insurance so I haven't been able to go, but my friend has changed doctors because of the same issue. She was blown off, now she is at a new place and the are doing some tests on her estrogen. I havent heard anything back yet about what they said, but at least they are trying to figure it out,instead of dismissing her. Good luck. Repost if you find some answers.

my dh and his wife split after 22 years and 2 yrs without sex. He said he noticed the change after his daughter was born many years before... his wife just wanted to be friends.d

I don't care what your docs say, it is hormonal. This too will change, and you can get help now.

there are docs in the area that will test you. google bioenergetic naturals

then you will know. you may only need something for a short while.

and yes, this is normal. what you do about it is up to you.

I think everyone (Moms)go thru a stage where everyday life takes its toll on special things, like sex. You need to sit down with your Dr. and discuss whether this is just being tired or if it could be hormone or RX related. Depending on the type of birth control or other meds you may be taking they can have a profound affect on your sexual appetite.
You may also want to set aside a little time for you and your husband to have a "get reacquainted" weekend. Send the kids to stay with the grandparents and don't feel guilty about it. I know times are "tight." You need to take time for yourselves. It doesn't have to be an expensive get-away. A daytrip or ride thru some scenic area ending with a picnic on blanket. Use your imagination.

Foreplay and even masterbation ( yes, I said the 2 words our mothers never told us about)are other ways to get reacquainted in the bedroom. If you don't know how to pleasure yourself, then how will he know unless you show him. That song by John Mayer -"Your Body is a Wonderland" says it all. You and your husband have to realize that sex is about pleasure for both of you. Invest in a few "sex toys" that you and your husband can use together (or alone). Don't be embarrassed!!! I'm not talking "whips and chains", but simple vibrator, massage oil and a good foot or total body rub. Just because you are a mom doesn't mean you can't be sexy and uninhibited from time to time.

You can take my advice or leave it. My husband and I have been married for 20 years with 3 children-19, 11, and 6. We have a wonderful marriage and sex life. It just keeps getting better.

Balance your hormones. Consider black cohosh, damiana, ginseng, x-action (women's), patchouli, sandalwood, energ-v.(I carry all of these supplements and more online.)There are other supplements that can help, but these are most often used with success. Having children changes your hormones and it takes years to get back to "normal" (if that's possible!). Take some time for yourself when possible. I have seen several clients with this complaint that have reported positive results from using supplements, learning to relax and taking a different perspective of sex. Instead of looking at sex as a chore (even though it may feel like it at this point). Generally I have my clients start on a chosen supplement and learn some relaxation techniques. I also teach them about different ways to view and explore sex with their partner.

I really think you should find a new doctor--one that will listen and not blow you off. You deserve a second opinion. It could be hormonal.

Kim I am not sure if you are a spiriual person but you could try praying about it. Ask God to give you the feelings that you have during non sexual activities durig sex itself. Also, have you looked into hormonal imbalance? Especially after having children, woman can become unbalanced hormonaly- more estrogen then progesterone. You could go to a store where they specialize in herbs and supplemnts. I have found that locally run herbal stores have people who are quite knowledgeable about natural ways to help you operate at peak capacity in many ways. Just some thoughts. I hope that all works out for you- I know that especially when all four of my children were much younger I was too tired to make love with my husband but a book called "The Power of a Praying Wife" really helped me put things in perspective. I enjoy making my husband happy even when I don't necessarily feel like making love - I can get pleasure just from knowing that he feels loved by me.

Did any of these responses help?

A very simple thing to try would be zinc and a good multi vitamin. A definciencey of zinc can have a large effect on your sex drive and if you are just tierd like so many of us mom's a good quality multi could be very helpful beside which you should take one if you aren't just to take care of yourself. I have used Shaklee supplements for 25 years and sold them for a while now too. I wouldn't use anything else and feel they have gotten me thorugh my 23 years and counting of pregnancy and mother hood (11 children with the youngest being 3. If you don't try Shaklee please at least try something of very good quality that is a whole food supplement and not synthetic. You get what you pay for if you try and go really cheap. Hope that gives you an avenue you had not thought to try yet!

Sincerly,
K. B

www.shaklee.net/takecontrol