Just venting here so don't mind me:
My kids have an Aunty, that is so irritating.
She is single, has no kids, and is independently wealthy and is a shopper no matter if she has my kids as niece/nephew or not.
She likes to buy them things. We never, ask her to. My kids never ask her to. She just does.
Then if you tell her she doesn't have to, she spouts off about how its her money and she can do with it what she wants and don't tell her no or yes, to anything. Its her choice and how she does what she wants with her own money.
So this Christmas she says how she got my kids so many things. She likes to gift them many things. Again, its her own idea.
No one makes her do that.
Then, she spouts off about how she has to sacrifice SO much, just to buy them things, even sacrificing what she wants to buy herself. Blah blah blah.
So I told her, she does not have to do that. She is deciding that.
And she acts like she is so benevolent, while at the same time, acting like my kids are greedy.
When in fact, they never tell her, to even buy them things.
Nor do we.
SHE does this, of her own volition.
Then gets on a power trip.
She just likes to make others feel bad, for all the "gifts" she gets.
Then... IF she does not feel appreciated for it, and you can tell her 'thank you' a million gazillion times... she gets all huffy. And if you don't get her anything, that SHE feels is 'equal' to ALL that she got for others, then she gets miffed.
Can't win.
Good grief.
Its such a pain.
Anyone have relatives like that?
Sorry, I just had to vent.
It is so noxious.
The gifts are good gifts.
She is a shopper.
Regardless of the time of year.
Regardless if she is an Aunty or not.
It is her..... and her attitude that is the problem.
Sure I have told her then don't do it.
She gets on her soap-box about how she does what she wants, its her money blah blah blah and gets all high and mighty about it.
Even my kids know how she is. So they don't ask her anything.
She's the type of person, that nothing... is good enough, per what she thinks she buys for others.
- Oh we do thank her in MANY different ways. My kids do and have, made her things from their heart.
She is just narcissistic.
But thinks she is so benevolent.
As an example: she got my kids one of those Angel Tree things, from a charitable organization. Where you buy things for underprivileged kids etc. with the idea that she will take them shopping for it, for the children in need that they chose. And she does this in order to teach, my kids... how to be charitable blah blah blah. According to her. Okay. THEN she decides, that she shouldn't have to do this with my kids, because why should she, buy it, for them. When this was her own idea in the first place and told my kids this was her Aunty project with them. And she tells them how "your parents should take care of it, I buy enough things for you...." blah blah blah. And so now, she reneged on it to my kids.
And this was her Aunty idea in the first place, to do with my kids.
Then she spews that attitude on them/us about it.
Some people, are just never satisfied, and even if they are appreciated and given appreciation, it is never, enough.
And they have to make an ugly point of everything, to the recipient.
Ronda X.- you make a good rational point. Yes, that may be the case, but we do do that. Spend time with her etc.
But she has, been like this, since as long as I can remember. Now she does it to my kids too.
It is just mental.
Guess the only thing to do about it is to accept her as she is and then don't let it get to you.
She's the kind of person who just really likes her soap box.
If she didn't complain about this it would probably be about something else.
She feels that she NEEDS to get attention in this sort of way.
So - let her!
Sit back, get a good glass of wine and enjoy the sermon!
She IS doing exactly as she wants to do - the soap box is part of it!
I would just tell her that you have decided NOT to exchange gifts outside the immediate family this year. OR that the only gifts that are exchanged/accepted outside of immediate family are gifts of time...
Perhaps tell her that you are getting 'back to basics' and focusing on the true meaning of the holiday season/spirit.
Maybe line up some volunteer opportunities for you and your kiddos...and invite her to 'come' along...
Might do her good.
Might shut her up as well!!
best!
Part of her game is that she likes to hear you tell her she doesn't have to. Just don't feed into it. Just say, "thank you" and be done with it. Don't give it the attention she wants. JMO. Good luck.
You have a relative who buys your kids lots of things? If they are nice things, that's awesome! I'd send a nice thank you and make her feel appreciated. And, enjoy the stuff!
Just out of curiosity...are they good gifts, or really lame gifts that she thinks are great?
ETA: How interesting...she sounds rather narcissistic, but people with NPD tend to be terrible gift givers!
I'm sorry you have to deal with her. Have you considered refusing the gifts? When she acts huffy and demands to know why, explain that you don't need the guilt trips and would rather she not buy ANYTHING for your family if that's how she would have everyone feel.
If she brings it up again, tell her simply that your family is not her ego boost. If she cannot be a gracious giver, then you do not want the gifts with strings attached. You have said thank you. You are not going to bow and scrape because she decided to buy some toys. Her generosity can be shared to Toys for Tots or a Giving/Angel Tree instead. Further, SHE doesn't get to dictate YOUR budget. If she cannot be a happy recipient, donate to a charity in her name and let her huff over that.
Or put an end to this parade of drama altogether and tell her you are not exchanging gifts. The end.
One of my aunts had a mother who would look at the price on the back of the card. If it wasn't at least $5, she didn't want it. It was really insulting and hurtful.
If she is a shopaholic, and uses your family as an excuse, perhaps she has an addiction to shopping and really needs the number of a good therapist vs another "in kind/equal to" gift.
Basically, have a plan and don't let her bully you.
Refuse her gifts. When she gets huffy, tell her candidly that her behavior is hurtful and that you don't want your kids to feel like they have to grovel when they are given a gift.
My FIL is like this. Some might find it hard to believe, but "awesome gifts" are not awesome at all when given by someone who seeks to control and manipulate the receiver. Mere appreciation never appeases a narcissistic gift giver, and you end up feeling in a horrible debt that you will never figure out how to repay to their satisfaction.
You have a lot of kindness, S.H., and you put up with quite a bit, but your family shouldn't have to endure this without speaking up. Be bold and kind. It will be hard, but you shouldn't be held on a short leash by someone trying to make themselves feel like a big person by making others feel small.
ps. can I have your Mac Salad recipe? I know I asked you once, but I can't find it now! Merry Christmas!
Just don't let HER issues take up space in YOUR head.
Clearly, your kids appreciate, thank her, etc.
At the point it becomes HER issue. Let her own it.
I feel for Aunt. She's lonely. She buys gifts to feel needed and appreciated.
Try to spend more time with her. Take the kids over to her house to open the gifts. When you go take over some food and stay there a good while to eat with her after the gifts are opened.
Loneliness is cruel. Don't add to her misery by refusing the gifts.
Great teaching moment (s) for your kids to learn some negative people never change. Teach them how to learn to live with people like her.
Look at it like this - they get to learn at an early age some people are toxic dramaqueens, rather than later in life and set in their ways.
I'm sure she won't be the first matyr they'll encounter in their lives or be related to!
I'm not sure if you can do anything about it THIS year...but NEXT year, I would let this Aunt know-like FelineStroller suggested, that you are only exchanging gifts within your intimate/immediate family and keeping it simple so she has a "heads up." Prior to saying this, I would mention something like...Billy sure has enjoyed the game you gave him last year for Christmas or whatever child/gift it might be and then let her know your decision. That way, YOU will have control vs. her. It might help her "realize" some of her behaviors. You can't change how she is or reacts but you can control how you and your family act. That's too bad you have to deal with this person in your family. Don't worry...everybody has a little family drama so you're not alone! I can't remember if you're family usually gets her a gift OR not, but maybe your kids can make her something just from them next year as a BIG Thank you and show appreciation and love-beat her to the punch, so to speak! So, you definitely have some options of how you can handle this situation...lots of suggestions.
It's not about whether you ask her to. If someone gives a gift, they don't want to hear "You didn't have to." They KNOW they didn't have to. She wants to be needed and appreciated, but doesn't trust that she is, so she starts the "Oy, how I've suffered" routine. Which I agree is obnoxious and more than you want to hear. It may also be that she likes the "thrill of the chase" meaning the act of shopping, but she doesn't get the same "high" off the actual giving.
I'd meet her halfway. Make sure that your children are writing really awesome and heartfelt thank you notes, nothing perfunctory. If one is too little, then YOU write the note as if it's from that child. Otherwise, it's a really important skill to develop so sit with the older kids and either write what they dictate (even if it's childish!) or enhance it a bit. That's from 4 years old on. One they are 7, they write their entire not with you helping with an "outline" (mention the gift by name, how the child has already played with it or what they plan to do with it, what their siblings or friends said about it, and finally what they think of an aunty who takes the time to choose a gift. Make sure it's not about the money but about the time and thought.) My son was raised that he could not play with the gift on the 2nd day (only the day when he opened it) or spend the cash/cash the check until the thank you was written. If he didn't want to write the thank you, I told him he could write a letter to the gift-giver saying why he didn't appreciate it and why he was sending it back. So either way, he was writing a note!
I can tell you that I am still sitting her waiting for promised thank you notes from a relative's family for 2 years - the dad does nothing, and the mom keeps saying, "Susie has her note cards and stamps, and she'll be writing her thank you notes next weekend." Nothing for the past 2 years of birthdays and holidays. So I'm done giving gifts.
Have the kids MAKE gifts for her that take their time, not your cash. That could be cookies, drawings, crafts, ANYTHING that shows they care about her and not that you went out and spent money. Supposedly, this aunty is talking about how much she DOES more than what she SPENDS, so you should repay her in time and affection, not money.
If you do the above for the next round of gift-giving (Christmas or whatever it is), and if she STILL persists in ranting about how hard it was or (worse) how much she spent and how little she got in return, then I'd sit her down and tell her that the cost accounting goes out of gift giving right now, and that either you just write her a check and she writes you one, making it exactly even. Tell her she is taking the thrill and joy out of the gifts for the kids, and making them resent her, and is that what she wants. If it is, then she's not going to be allowed to bring gifts for any occasion.
Glad to say that I don't. I am so happy about that.
Part of me wishes you would say to her "Please stop buying stuff for my kids. You are being so rude about it that we don't want your gifts." But I know you won't.
So just roll your eyes and ignore her.
