I Would like to Have My Grandchildren !!!

It does not matter how deeply you want grandchildren, you are not the one who would have to carry them or raise them. It is her life, and the choice to add or not to add children to it is entirely up to her. Sorry.

Call the big sisters / big brothers program. You can start interacting with a young person who needs mentoring/attention. It will be good for both of you.

It is her decision and hers only to have children. What you want should not
play into it at all. I would not bring it up to her. If you do and do it often it is
a great way to ruin a relationship.

This is not about you. You made the choice to have children and your daughter gets to make her own choice. She may or may not have children, but that is beyond your control.

Do find some children to "grandmother." There are children without family close, organizations who help children who need volunteer help, etc. Find a way to contribute and be happy.

Bringing children into the world is a very serious decision.
It shouldn't be done on a whim or to make someone else feel fulfilled.
Your daughter is 30. She is an adult. She is unmarried and obviously feels she's not at a point in her life to have children and isn't in any hurry.
It's HER life. It's HER decision.
Too many people have kids before they're ready or prepared. The ones who suffer when that happens are the kids.
Your daughter probably understands exactly how you feel about wanting grandchildren, but that is not a reason for her to start having babies.

I think you should get some counseling. And, you should try to open your mind to giving love to other children, even if they aren't biologically yours.
I don't mean to sound insensitive, but this is something for YOU to work on, not your daughter
You may have envisioned that by this age, your daughter would be married and settled down and have children. However, that was YOUR vision.
For someone ELSE'S life. You're going to have to find a way to put your focus elsewhere because you can't go around feeling unhappy and broken because of your daughter's decision about procreating or not.

Just my opinion.

I wish I could understand the feeling you have. I know that many women (and men) expect their offspring to produce grandchildren – I simply have never held that as "my" right. I have one grandchild, born when my one daughter was in her mid-30's, a year or so after she finally found and married Mr. Right.

I dearly love my grandson, but before he arrived, I never held any expectation that he was owed to me in any way. It seems to me that thoughts like that would have fostered a great deal of unhappiness for me, especially since he came into the world somewhat late in my daughter's life. But the timing had to be right for my daughter, she needed to have a good partner and a stable home to bring him into. I was happy for her when all that developed, but I have never thought of her as being a vehicle to produce grandkids for me.

It sounds like you have a great deal of love to offer to children who might need an attentive, nurturing adult in their lives. Have you considered doing volunteer work with children? I know a childless, loving man who works in a preschool and has been extremely helpful to a couple of kids with dysfunctional, broken homes. They are now entering their teens, but they still keep in touch because they have formed a "family" of sorts. I know this has been wonderfully nourishing for my male friend.

You have already received some good advice, but after reading your SWH, I think you would also benefit from some professional counseling.

Don't do this to your daughter... find other ways to make yourself happy. Good luck.

D., I would love to have grandchildren,too. However, if she doesn't want children it would be bad to try to push the issue. She may know within that she wouldn't want to be a mother until or if she is ever ready.My children may end up not having any. In the meantime, there are hospitals where babies need holding, little people need babysitting at churches during service and you can get some of that urge to mother and nurture out of the way doing that.

She probably knows.

It's hard when you would like something that is dependent on other people. However, it is VERY common for people to be in the 30s before they even think about marriage or children (none of my cousins had any kids before 30). She may just be enjoying life. She may also never marry or marry and never have kids.

It is not the same, but perhaps you should find a volunteer way to be grandmotherly toward kids who need some extra love, like at a shelter.

And in the meantime, don't pressure your daughter. Nothing makes someone feel unloved more than pressure to fulfill someone else's dreams.

I'm sorry, it's not your daughter's job to make you happy. And who says grandchildren will make you happy?

Usually if you think that some THING is going to make you happy, then you will be sorely disappointed when you get it and you find that you are still not happy.

It disturbs me to read that you think adopting means you are "pretending" anything. If you can't love an adopted child that's "not yours", what makes you think you'll love a grandchild that didn't come from your womb? What if your daughter chooses to ADOPT a child?

Plus, a grandchild is not YOUR child. It's your daughter's child. A grandchild is not your second chance to be a mom.

Please take a good look at your own life and see how YOU could make YOU happy, and do not rely on others to do it for you.

I know it's not the same thing, but would you be interested in being a "grandparent" to a non-bio child? I googled "volunteer grandparents" and these links came up. Perhaps there are programs in your area?

http://www.seniorcorps.gov/about/programs/fg.asp
http://www.volunteergrandparents.ca/

Maybe something like these will help you channel the love you want to give. You don't have to adopt, just volunteer.

Do your best to not project this need onto your daughter. That's just not fair to her. And besides, she's only 30. I didn't marry till 30 and didn't have kids till 39. You never know. But you can't force it.

EDIT: after reading your "what happened", I think you might want to look into getting some counseling. The depth of your desire, your feeling "broken" because of something you can't and SHOULDN'T try to control, is NOT healthy. Your daughter DOES understand, but it DOESN'T change anything. SHE cannot help YOU be happier - especially with this. It's not her responsibility, and it's not your right. Only YOU can help yourself be happier. Please get some help if this is really getting in your way. If you continue to push this, you will make her miserable as well and push her AWAY.

You say you feel "unhappy and broken." You may think that those feelings come from your desire to have grandchildren. But please look deeper -- a grandchild is not going to make you happy and fix what's broken; it is putting far, far too much pressure on a mere baby (who doesn't even exist yet!) to fix an adult's loneliness, brokenness and unhappiness. Please think about getting some counseling to see why you feel empty and why you are so focused on finding happiness through something that does not even exist. Some professional help examining your neediness--and your relationship with your daughter--might help you work on that brokenness without your having to pressure your daughter like this.

If you pressure her, you may lose her; if that happens you will have neither her nor a grandchild. Please, seek out a counselor to talk about this, rather than talking to your daughter about something she clearly doesn't want to discuss, and which is entirely her business. You might find your relationship with your daughter improves, and you can do more together and be closer, if you focus on her and not on her non-existent children, and if you get help.

D., SHE does not need to make you happier. She is not responsible for making you happier. That is not HER job. YOU are responsible for making YOU happy. You want her to have a baby, so you can be happy? I'm afraid...if bringing a child into the world for YOU is what you think you need to be happy...you will never be truly happy. You can't expect one event to bring you all the happiness you need. You sound like an incomplete person, who is relying on her daughter, and unborn future grandchild...to make you complete. That's very unhealthy. You will push your daughter away, and then you ill not only have no grandchild, but no daughter. No, she should not try to understand and make YOU happier. She is your daughter, not your wish granter.

Make yourself happy, or you never will be.

We can't force our kids to have kids. My oldest son is 31 and is pretty sure he doesnt want children.
I "grandma" lots of kids in my apartment complex because our grandkids that we do have live far away and we don't see them very often.
Your grandmother instincts can be put to work on plenty of kids that don't have their bio grandmas around either.
*You never know what the next decade holds, plenty of woman are having kids between the ages of 30 and 40, so your dream still might come true :)

I got married in my 30's.
I did not want children right away.
My Husband did.
He was patient. He never forced me, to have a baby, sooner.
I just did not feel like, having kids. When we got married nor right away.
Then one day, I felt ready.
This was about 5 years after we got married.
Then we did have children.
I was ready, then.

You cannot... make your daughter have a baby.
She is also single.
Being a single parent, is not easy.
Even for celebrities who have money.

Sure you can tell her how you feel. But you can't force her. And it is NOT her 'responsibility'... to satisfy 'your' need, for a baby/grandchildren.
It is not... her responsibility. To satisfy your urge, for that.

Now hopefully, even if you do tell your Daughter about your urge to have a Grandchild... this does NOT cause a rift between the both of you. What if she feels SO pressured, by you? And then it alienates the two of you?? Is that worth it???
No.

SHE has to be in a place in her life, that SHE wants to have a baby. Not you. And she is single. And does not want a baby, now. That is her, right. Having a baby, is not an 'obligation' to you.
It is NOT her responsibility.
You cannot... force her to have a baby, for you. Nor to get pregnant, for you.
Do you see, that?

Maybe, you can find some sort of volunteering to do, with children, instead????

You CANNOT... make her have a baby for you.
This is, selfish. It is not thinking about her.
And, if you keep pressuring her about it... she will not want anything to do with you.

Then, if and when she does have a baby... you HAVE to realize, that this is HER... child. Not yours. And SHE is the one, that parents the baby. And decides, everything to do with, her baby. It is her child.

D., it is not your daughter's job to have a grandchild for you, honey. It just isn't. It's not for her to make you happy this way. I know it's what you want, but your chance for that is when you are having children of your own. There are NEVER any guarantees that having children will get you grandchildren.

Go do some volunteering at a nearby elementary school. Or if you can work, go work at a daycare. Being around lots of children will help fill that longing in your heart. Then you can go home and leave work at work, rest and then go back and enjoy the kids. (Like grandparenting.)

The more you push your daughter, the more she will resist. No grown woman wants her mother pushing her to get married and have kids. Her plan is not based on what her mom's plan is. And you have to accept it.

Dawn

Not only is it not her function to give you grandchildren, you could accidentally be giving her pain. She might very much like to find a husband and have kids, and not be able to find someone who is a good fit. By bringing up the subject you could be rubbing salt in an open wound.

Everyone else is right, find a way to fulfill yourself, and let her take care of her own life and decisions.

Your daughter's decision regarding children has nothing to do with you. Telling her that the only way you will feel happy and fulfilled is for her to procreate is putting an extreme amount of pressure on her, not to mention a long-term commitment that she doesn't want. It's NOT HER JOB to make you happy.

Please seek-out counseling to explore these feelings of depression and emptiness. This isn't about your daughter, it's about you. Finding happiness won't come from a grandchild, it will come from YOU finding out what's missing in your own life.

Kids just aren't for some people. If your daughter doesn't want to have kids, there's nothing you can say that will help change her mind. Pushing the issue will only serve to further alienate her and eventually she'll just stop answering her phone when she knows it's you calling.

Or maybe deep down she does want kids but can't seem to find mr. right and won't settle for mr "right now". (Mr. Right Now doesn't usually make the best daddy.) I suspect that she's looking for love but sometimes it just doesn't happen. There's a natural order to things. My mom bugged me about getting married for years. As soon as I got married she started bugging me for grand kids. Then I had a little girl and she started bugging me about when I was going to have more. I drew the line. I'm one and done. She still won't shut up about having more and my patience is wearing thin.

My sister is also 30 and single but not by choice. She keeps looking for love but all the men that have entered her life have turned out to be terrible people in some way or another and it's a hell of a good thing she never had kids with any of them or she'd be tied to them for life. Give your daughter a break and don't bug her. Her life is difficult enough as it is without having her mom as a monkey on her back about having kids.

I echo all the previous posters. Yes, open communication is good, but you most likely will not get what you're looking for. Plus, your daughter does not need any added pressure. (I suspect she already feels it, whether she wants children or not...)

Not sure what is driving your need, but have you considered foster grandparenting? There are SO many kids out there that could really benefit from your love, time, caring, etc. And perhaps it would help with the "instinct" you mention. The bonds formed in those situations really can be amazing.

See http://www.seniorcorps.gov/about/programs/fg.asp for details.

Good luck.

I would look to your other children to have them. If your 30 year old daughter doesn't want kids, she M. well never have them. She could be child free by choice and never want them. I have a sibling that is CFBC.

If you had only her you M. well be out of luck.

After reading your what happened:
I hate to say it but I am betting that the lost and broken feeling will remain even if you got grandchildren. Babies are not strong enough to fill a void like that in a perminate way. You need to get help of some other sort.

there are plenty of children that don't have grandparents or live too far away to know grandparents. get ahold of a club or organization and get involved. my son has 9 adopted grandparents.

So if you talk to her what is she supposed to do next? If she's single now do you want her to be a single mom? Are you going to actually help het RAISE (not just be a grandma but help with actual child rearing) because shes having kids solely to please you nit because she wants to be a mom? How would you feel if someone guilted you into having kids before you were ready? You are being selfish because while you want to have a fun grandparent role she has to actually MOTHER possibly alone if shes currently single. It seems like your wanting to use grandkids to fill something else in your life. I think you might want to seek a counselor, not push your daughter to have kids before shes ready. Sorry to be blunt. Also, in regard to adoption, what if your daughter decides to adopt? You want love those grandchildren cause they dont share DNA. Seriously?

You can explain anything you want -- ONCE. And then she will have a child when she's ready.

I am happy to have the one grandchild I have which was an accident. My son is now married and would like more but that is something that he and his wife have to do not me. My daughter would like children but will NOT do it alone. She has seen many friends who have taken that path and it is not good.

Have you read the papers lately and what they are saying? People are now putting off marriage until later in life like after 35 or so. The economy is not making it easy to have children married or single. Some people men and women don't want children.

Reading your SWH happened shows that you need help. Contact a local counseling agency and speak with them. No one else is responsible for your happiness but you. You have to be happy with you before you can be happy with others. Try local child agencies and enjoy the kids for who they are children and babies. Adoption is not acting. The child grows in your heart and not in the womb but it does grow into deep love and you would fight to the end for that child. I have one adopted and one natural and they are both treated equally.

I hope that you find some wisdom in the responses posted and they you do seek help.

Have a good holiday season.

The other S.

PS As much as I would and do want more it is not my choice. I can't plan for something I can't see. I can do things to help and love others that does bring joy.

You daughter can't get married to fulfill a deep longing you have for grandchildren. Your daughter is still young! Plenty of women are not married by age 30, and yet, many of them will go on to marry later and to have kids. But, not EVERYONE is even meant to be married. Some women's vocation is to be single. It is pretty difficult for parents to accept this, but it is the truth.

Can you help mentor a child, or a teen mother? There are other ways to offer the love that you have to a child.

I understand that you want grandchildren, and it may happen some day, she could have her first child at 43! That happens now! I wasnt sure I could love an adopted child the way I loved my bio children and I put A LOT of thought into it before I adopted. I encourage you to try one the volunteer organizations Patricia recommended, you never know. After you get to know a young mother and her child, after you spend time with them and watch them grow, you may find yourself caring about them and wanting to continue the relationship. What a wonderful gift you could give a child who has no Grandmom in her life!

Hang in there mom....it may happen someday. My son was the same way. He did not want children. Period! Over and over he told me this. For many years. Then one day just before he turned 30, he met the most wonderful woman. And they fell in love. So much in love that they decided to share their love with a child. I now have the most fantastic grandson in the world. And they are planning to have another soon. I am so happy. I know if I had pushed him a few years ago it would have caused hard feeling between us so I'm glad I never did. Although I did mention it a few times.

My point is, don't try to push her into it, she will only resent you for it. But it doesn't hurt to mention (in passing) that you would like grand children. And then wait. It may happen someday in the near future.

My mother-in-law would love to have "her own" grandchildren as well, but I don't know if my brother-in-law (37 yrs) will ever find a girl that meets his standards & have one. She doesn't see my hubby's kids as "her own" grandchildren - they are my father-in-laws, since hubby is his child and she is "only the step-mom", but hubby says she is his mom - she has been there since he was just 5 yrs old & he really doesn't remember his mom much other then visiting her here there & yonder... well except being left at her work when she decided to leave his dad & take everything except her son. Now on the other side - my father-in-law sees my mother-in-law's son who was also 5 yrs old when my in-laws got together as his son... doesn't make sence does it.

Although you would love grandkids... it is acutally your daughter who needs to decide if she wants them, since it is her live that will change & she will have to be it caretakers for the next 18 yrs. I have a lot of classmates that are just now getting married & having kids - they are getting closer to their mid 30's. It seems strange to me since I am 34, getting ready to have my 6th & final kid (anyday) and have been married for 17 years now. But I also know I am not the norm now days... it still seems strange to me though.

Give your daughter more time... when she finds someone she loves, she might change her mind about kids. But pushing her to have one won't help anyone in the end.

We live far away from family and we have the best set of grandparents locally...this couple with no grandkids of there own but three children in their late 30's adopted our kids as their grandkids....and boy do they love it...and we like it also. they don't spend money really but they enjoy having them around for visits. among other things Just a thought...

D. it would not be appropriate to say something to your daughter. It's fine and normal to want grandchildren, but your daughter doesn't owe them to you. For her to give you grandchildren, she would need to become a mother. Having children to please your mother would be a terrible idea. You don't need to tell her your feelings. If she wants to have children, she will hopefully do so at the right time for her, when she can make all of the sacrifices necessary, provide for her children and be a good mother. If she does not want children, your feelings are not something for her to consider. She does not need to take on the huge responsibility of parenthood which is a 24/7/365 responsibility so that you can have the fun of occasionally playing with grandchildren. You don't have control over when grandchildren happen. You mention wanting to help each other be happier, but D., it sounds like YOU are unhappy. You didn't mention anything about your daughter being unhappy. You feel that her having a baby/children will make YOU happy, but that has nothing to do with her happiness. You are thinking only of yourself and not of your daughter. That's not being a good mother.

If she were my daughter, I would have a heart to heart talk with her and let her know how much you love her and all the joys that she has brought to your life...and that you want the same for her. I would lovingly explain to her that I want her to have someone to love just as much as you love her and that you don't want her to be lonely. Explain to her that one day, you will be gone. Is your daughter happy with her life the way it is? Or, is she in a rut, meaning, that she would like to find a suitable guy to start a family with, but it just isn't happening and she doesn't know what to do to make it happen? In my experiences and I'm 42, it's all in the attitude we have in getting what we want in life whether it be a career, love, or kids. Sometimes in life, we feel that if we wait around, things that we want will come....but, that's not always how it works. If she really wants a family and desires it, she has to make it happen. No man is going to come knocking at her door....she needs to go out and find him. For some of us, me included, it took effort and asking for some divine intervention from the Lord. I met my current husband 8 years ago on match.com. Now, I have the family life that I always desired. I think that's about all you can do:)

Wishing you the best.

D.,
Your instinct to be a bio grandmother is natural, but not realistic.

First, it's your daughter's decision. Second, any child, adopted or bio, is flesh and blood with FEELINGS. Any child would adore being doted on. Your post is being narrow minded, and not considering anyone else's needs but your own.

Take up a hobby.

Well being that she isn't married, I think anything you say will just create pressure. I was 29 when I met my hubby and 30 when we got married. We met and married in 5 months time and are so happy and now have 2 boys and one more on the way any day now :D Just give her space and time to live her life, things can change in a heart beat. I was just loving life, pursuing my dreams and I refused to even consider anyone that I wasn't completely over the moon for bc I wanted a happy life with someone who was my perfect match, not just a warm body :D I think sometimes, marrying older is so great bc you have proven you won't just grab the first available and that an awesome friendship with your partner is number one. She still has plenty of time, and lots of people are marrying older these days. My BFF just got married at age 33 and just had her first baby boy at 35, she and her hubby are thrilled and happy they waited for each other. I say bite your tongue and support her. Good luck!

Having children to make someone else happy is NEVER a good reason to have a child.

Have you considered that your SINGLE daughter might not want to have a baby without a spouse?

Have you considered that maybe if she does have a boyfriend/partner, that she's having fertility problems and can't have children?

Whether or not your daughter has children is none of your business. Leave it alone. Stop bullying her about it. The way you worry about this really is unhealthy.

I'm *sure* she knows already that you want grandchildren. She hasn't met the right person yet- don't make her feel WORSE!

Also: maybe distract yourself with a hobby. I hear English grammar and sentence structure is very popular, not to mention useful.

Speak about this topic to a friend, not your daughter. If you pressure her to make such serious life decisions before she's ready or capable of starting s family, you will all regret it. If you need to see a counselor to learn to manage this feeling in yourself, then do that. A child should not be brought into this world to placate a parent's wish to be a grandparent. There are hundreds of kids, probably in your own town, who cannot be near their grandparents. Try volunteering at Boys and Girls Club or another such organization. You could find that, over time, you develop a special bond with the kids you work with - not unlike a grandparent relationship.

Well, It's up to her. Pressuring her won't work and could just make her more resistant. She's only 30, give her some time. If it's meant to be it will happen on it's own.
Good Luck,

Dear D.,

Have you considered becoming a foster parent? It sounds like you have a lot of love and nurturing to give, and that's a wonderful thing. However, it is NOT your daughter's responsibility to provide you with a grandchild to love. Even if foster parenting is not for you, there are a lot of ways older adults can volunteer to help children in need. I would look to help the many, many children in need rather than pressuring your daughter to become a parent before she's ready.

Why does she need to understand your feelings on this? So she can feel guilty about doing something that she has every right to decide for herself? Yes, I can understand wanting grandchildren but I don't understand the selfishness of you wanting your daughter to "understand" this. It's coming off as you want her to not just understand but to do what YOU want her to do.

I see I am very late answering this question but I wanted children but career and lack of husband prevented my having children. My mother wanted to be a grandmother so bad. At 39 I decided to adopt. I have a daughter who is the love of my life and the air that my mother breaths.

My suggestion would be not to pressure her. If she is like me the more you pressure the more likely I will not do what you want because of the pressure. My mother would hint from time to time but never pressured me. 30 is still young. Let her have her fun and in a few years she may change her mind. Good luck on becoming a Grandma in the future!!