I Want My Bed Back!

Well, I'd say that it took nine years to teach your daughter that it was okay to sleep in your bed so it's going to be rough unringing that bell. I would calmly explain to her that she will be sleeping in her own bed from this moment on. And then stick with it. If this means that she cries and screams for hours and makes herself throw up for a night or two, then that's what it is going to take. It'll be rough on you and the entire family, but as soon as she realizes that you are completely serious and committed - she will sleep in her own bed.

I'd pick a good night to do this. Perhaps when your son can spend the night at a friend's house and neither you nor your husband have to work the next day. (Cause nobody will be getting a goodnight's sleep.) If you want to start out laying with her in her bed until she falls asleep - I'd say that's fine, but let her know that you WILL be locking your door. Then I would recommend you invest in ear plugs and a fan (for the white noise) OR, if you don't think you're strong enough - leave the house to your husband for the night and go sleep at a family member, friend or hotel. If you are going to make the decision to do it, you need to MAKE the decision that you are going to do it. Your half-hearted efforts over the years have only taught your daughter that she REALLY needs to freak out to get what she wants. If you are not going to make the decision to do it, then stop bribing or cajoling her - there's nothing you are going to offer her that will work. Either invest in a bigger bed and resign yourself to co-sleeping for a few more years, or just move her to her own bed each time you find her in yours.

Hi D..

I had this problem with my kids when they were younger, but thank God that they all sleep in their own beds now. But know that you are not alone. I think many parents deal with this issue.

I think the first thing you need to do is get to root of the problem, which sounds like anxiety issues. I dealt with anxiety for many years and I see some of it in my son, who is 8 yrs. old. I am always working on making him a more secure child so that he does not have to deal with anxiety in his adult years.

Can I ask you a personal question? Do you know the Lord and does your daughter? He is the one who really helps when it comes to our fears (child or adult). Sometimes my son doesn't want to go downstairs by himself at night when the rest of us are all upstairs. I always remind him that he is never alone, that Jesus is always with him. That is a real comfort for him... for any of us. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Psalm 4:8 - "My children both lay themselves down in peace and sleep, for You, Lord, only make them dwell in safety."

Also, my son told me that it also helps him if he sings a little song, whenever he is afraid. Anything to take their minds off of the "scary thoughts" they may be having!

I will pray that your daughter is comforted and that the Lord gives her peace, especially at night.
God Bless :-)

J. J.

Hi D. K--My name is K. and I too live in the Lacey area. My suggestion comes from two inspirations--a family I was a social worker for who had the same problem with a 6-year old, and "what would supernanny do" [just love that show!!].

To do what I'm about to suggest requires two things:

1. Your spouses agreement and assistance.
2. Loss of sleep for a night or two so I recommend doing this on a weekend.

Each time your daughter comes in to you bedroom on the first night you try this, you need to take her by the hand, lead her back to her bed, remind her she needs to sleep in her bed and cannot sleep with mommy and daddy or something to that effect [do not engage in arguements, further discussion, etc--say the same thing once, time after time]. She will probably be right on your heels the first few [or more] times you go back to bed. Just keep it up. Your husband might go "every other one" with you.

Her habit is ingrained, so it may take awhile to interrupt it.

Once committed to this approach, you will have to stick with it. Sorry I don't know of an easier approach but it seems you've really done all the right other approaches.

Good luck! K.

I know what you are going threw, My daughter is the best snuggler thanks to no one but me. My husband worked nights so of course I wanted someone to sleep with, but anyway when it started being more of a problem I had to give her rewards for if she slept in her owen bed all night long by herself. Yes this is a long process and it does take time but soon it will work

D.,

It sounds to me like your daughter is being really clingy at night. I know I've mentioned this on other posts of moms that have sleeping problems with their kids, but Super Nanny has a technique that worked with my son when he started getting clingy to us at night.

This is pasted directly from http://www.supernanny.us.com

Steps to get a good night’s sleep

* Follow a calming bedtime routine.
* Once you’ve put the little one to bed, don’t sit or lie down beside them. Sit on the floor instead, keeping your head down so they can see your profile but not your eyes, turn the light off and say “now it’s time to be quiet and go to sleep”.
* If your child carries on chatting to you, insist that “it’s sleep time now” in a gentle but firm voice and don’t get drawn into a discussion.
* If they get out of bed, put them back with a kiss and a cuddle the first time, just a kiss the second time, then with minimal physical contact after that. This part can be really hard, especially as the nights go on, but consistency and a kind tone will help your child feel secure in their bed without the anxiety of being left alone.
* Little by little, move further away from the bed each night.
* Eventually, you’ll be sitting with the door open, and finally you can say goodnight and go downstairs.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Hi D., first off, if you haven't read "Highly Sensitive Child" - I highly recommend it. My humble advice would be to not do it half way (sleeping bags on the floor, only weekends, etc) and talk to her about it during the day and be firm and let her know you're serious and not giving in. I would also talk to her about what it is that bothers her about sleeping alone and have her think of self-comforting methods, i.e. night lights, stuffed animals, or whatever she can think up. Maybe you approach it as a team, like, "this is something we'll accomplish together...what do you need to feel safe and calm in your room? Because it's my job to help you grow up and be a big girl, and I know you are strong and you can do this!" I think (from personal experience) that by giving them 'outs' or giving in - sends a message that you really don't think they can handle it either. And kids get a lot of their confidence from us parents. So forget the stickers and points, and keep it simple - 'you're sleeping in your bed now, if you come to mine, I will get up and walk you back to yours, because you need quality sleep and so do I...and I know you can do it.' If there's anything I can stress - it's really driving that point home that you have faith in her and KNOW she can do it. Then over time that will come from within.

I wouldn't lock her out - that may feel like abandonement. I wouldn't lay down with her either -since that's what you're trying to wean her from. If you say no more sleeping in my bed - then stick to it. Every single time - calmly walk her back to her bed and tell her she can do it and that she's okay.
Start there.

mom when do you have time for your husband? Do you sleep alone ? At 9 she shouldnt be allowed to get in your bed ,im sure i dont have to tell you that!
It is time for some changes and you seem ready for them , now to get her ready.
Have you tried no allowing her to do some things if she vcant sleep in her own bed.
Dont allow her to have friends stay if she cant sleep all night in her bed.
Offer a movie and lunch if she can sleep in her bed all night , maybe a shopping trip with just you get her a soft cuddley stuffed bear to have in her bed. Talk with her about sleeping inher bed and what she can do if she wakes up and feels like she wants to be in your bed maybe allow her to come see that you are there, give her a hug and kisses and s tuck her back into her bed .. I used a radio inn my daughters bedroom and left it on all night she did fine ...took time but it work . Have yto be consistantif she cries till she get sick try giving her a box of tissue for her tears an pail in case she gets sick and a wash coth to wash her face with, let her know she will have to clean up after herself id she throws up and you ,as hard as it is need to refuse to give in i know that makes it hard on everyone but it wont take long when she knows you wont give up.good luck
YOU MAY WANT TO GIVE HER A FLASHLIGHT ALSO SOETIMES IT HELPS

Have you tried getting a large stuffed animal and putting one of your shirts (after you've worn it for awhile) on the animal. It may be your scent that makes her feel safe and secure. I had a rough time with my daughter, who is now 11 and would still sleep with me for the comfort factor if I let her. She does sleep with me on occasion now when my husband is out to sea, but it's not an every evening occurance. Now I think the comfort is actually for me. Ha-ha.

For a year, our 9 year old son has been sleeping on an air mattress on the floor of our bedroom...that was when he wasn't in our bed. This last month, he and I planned out what he wanted his room to look like. We painted, made curtains, planned for a desk and involved him in the work of putting it together. The day it came together, I was moving his bed back in place and managed to break the bedframe so his mattress and box springs are on the floor. Starting from day 1, he has put himself to bed in his room, even when he is upset about something. He now thinks it is amusing that kids sleep in their parents rooms!

A bit about him: He is a high maintenance kid who has texture sensitivities and is extremely sensitive and empathetic. If he is feeling something you know it. I feel that involving him in the decoration of his room was key to its success. It may not be exactly what I thought it would, but he is ecstatic!

I would also add that I have a 13 year old daughter who has never wished to sleep with her dad and I once she started sleeping in her own "big" bed. We have been married for 18 years and have not raised the kids differently. They are just different personalities. We have tried the white noise and making him sleep in his room with locked doors, but it only created problems between my husband and myself. I am a nurse and we both work and decided that our sleep and togetherness were more important than where he slept.

Good luck!

Sounds like you need to get to the root of the problem and find out why she won't sleep in her room. You said she is anxious, about what? Maybe she doesn't feel safe in her room. What if her bed was on the floor? (no monsters could be under there!) If she is afraid of the dark, get her a nightlight or allow her to keep a dim light on all night. When you find out WHY she needs to sleep with you that will be the key. Rewards and punishments won't help when there is an underlying issue.

Also please do not lock your door, that makes it worse and she'll feel stronger feelings of abandonment and rejection and will cling to you more! I think sometimes this sort of thing is fueled by a parent's resistance. What would happen if you said nothing and accepted it? Don't shame her in the morning, just let it be. She may stay in her bed some nights after she knows it is OK to come to mama when she really needs to. Show her your door is always open. (You don't want to close it just before she hits the teen years and life gets rougher!)

I had the problem with my 2 30 some years ago and you just have to keep trying. I just sent my youngest granddaughter a very huggable rag doll [Ifound on mamasource]and she is starting to take her baby to bed with her,and soon maybe in her bed. anything if safe is worth a try. good luck.grandma of 6.