I Struggle Through Mothers Day Since Losing My Mom

I am so sorry for your hurt. It's hard to lose a parent even in the best of circumstances. I'm going to tell you what I believe. I believe that your mother knows that you loved her the best way that you could. When you live in a dysfunctional world it is really hard to express functional love. But just like you know it wasn't perfect and wasn't what you wanted at the time, NOW you can see past it, SO CAN SHE.

You can't go back in the past and change what was. What you can do, now, is write down everything you needed to say, good or bad, and read it out loud like you are saying it to her. You can say, "Growing up was hard because....(insert your story here), but I want you to know that it's okay and I'm okay, because 364 days out of the year I am happy. I have a great marriage, beautiful children and a full life. So if you had never done anything but bring me into the world and make sure I lived long enough to find this man and have this life then that's enough and I thank you." Then make your peace and let go of those things you cannot change.

Add to it, by honoring her in a way that makes you feel good every year. If she had a favorite flower, adopt a senior citizen at a retirement home every year and present it to her. If she liked animals, donate a day that week to volunteering at an animal shelter. Do for someone else what, for their own and equally valid reasons, her children aren't doing for her.

You had a really hard time and did what you had to do to be OK. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If it hurts you right now, then use that energy to do something positive in a world that could certainly use a lot more positivity. You will feel better, you will set a great example for your kids, and you will honor her long after she was here to honor.

With hugs and prayers,

L.

Bless your heart. I also had a difficult and needy Mother. I would also choose Mother's day cards very carefully. My mom passed away 8 years ago, and it probably took at least 4 years for me to really miss her. You are falling into the co-dependent trap of thinking that YOU are responsible for your Mom's happiness. YOU are not, she is/was. You made an adult choice, and sometimes adult choices aren't easy. I didn't get to see my adult child and my precious grandchild on Mother's Day, but I know they love me. I would have loved to have seen them, but it just didn't work out.

Anyway - back to you. A parent is an example, either a good example or a bad example. Your mom taught you many things NOT to do as a parent, and probably a handful of things that you should do. For me, I know that my ability to see the good in all situtations comes from my mom. My feelings of empathy towards others, my love of reading. These are good things I hang on to from her. I don't dwell on her bad points, her neediness, her accusations that we didn't love her because (insert any number of things, such as visit on Christmas). I think that everyone thought of her as a sweet, nice person, and that I carry that legacy too.

Just remember, your feelings of guilt are a co-dependent response pounded into your head by a needy, sick person.

Hi T.,

It is totally normal to feel guilt after someone you love passes away. Did I do enough? Could I have done something different? To move on, though, you need to realize that your relationship was what it was and, while not perfect, it worked for the two of you. Don't make your relationship with your mother ruin what sounds like a great relationship with your own kids.

Does your church have a counseling department? That might be a good place to start. There is also an awesome, very powerful seminar in Dallas called Landmark Forum (www.landmarkeducation.com) that teaches how to leave the past in the past and create your future on purpose. You would not believe how free you will feel after completing this intense weekend workshop.

Good luck!

M.

Its okay that you didn't by her a mushy, fake card. I personally think cards are overated. I can never find one that is right for how I feel. Since you didn't have a good relationship, you are guessing that she would've liked a mushy card. How do you know that she wouldn't have called you on it?

So now she is gone. I am sorry that you feel at loose ends about it. I have something for you to try... write her a letter. Pour everything that you want to say to her into the letter...there is no right or wrong, no limit on pages. When you are done, take it to her grave or somewhere quiet and beautiful. Then read her the letter out loud.

When you are done reading the letter, it will be up to you what you do with it - hold on to it, tear it up, burn it. Your choice.

Hugs
M.

T.,
You were honest when you couldn't give those mushy cards. It's right to be honest. At the same time you gave her a card you were comfortable with. You didn't just blow her off. That's great! That IS a good daughter.

I think what you may be grieving over is the relationship you wanted with your Mom, but I'm not sure you could have ever had that. From what you wrote I think you did the best you could and that was good enough. I also suspect your Mom is fine wherever she is. She knows you love her despite your differences. You loved her the best you could and I bet she appreciates that. She loved you the best she could.

Every mother daughter relationship has their ups and downs. Sounds like you have a beautiful family now. Let them love you because you are lovable! Whatever you did, it WAS good enough and was the perfect thing. Do you expect your children to always please you and do exactly what you want? Of course not. They are individuals. I think you are trying to tell yourself you did wrong just by living your life. Your mom may have needed you NOT to come home for Christmas. Maybe she needed to learn that she was responsible for her own happiness. I don't know. What I do know is that you deserve peace and it is okay to to love yourself, and allow your family to love you to. You deserve it.

T.,
It's not about her at this point. She's okay, free of whatever pain, mental or otherwise, that caused her to do the things she did to you as a child, which were probably always well-meant, if ignorant. What's hurting you now is the guilt you feel. Rub your fingertips on your chest, near the breastbone, and say, three times, "Even though my mom is gone, and I feel such guilt now about all the ways I held her faults against her, how I withheld my enthusiastic love for her, ...I deeply love and respect myself anyway." "Even though I didn't know any better way to treat her back when I was young and felt ignored, and therefore resentful, I deeply honor and respect myself anyway, and I choose to believe that she knew I loved her regardless." "Even though I continue to feel guilt about her to this day, I love and forgive and accept myself, and I send my loving, mature energy out to her, wherever she may be; I choose to believe that her essence will feel this and that she has already forgiven me."
What is necessary is that you find an effective way to forgive yourself. These thoughts may start you on that journey. The format of the sentences are from a process called EFT (you can google it and read about it); and there is a tapping sequence you could do afterward stating these three affirmations, thusly: tapping lightly on your eye, just inside the brow, on the side of the eye, just beneath the eye on the bone arch, in the upper lip cup, just under the lower lip, on the collar bone point closest to the breastbone, under the arm about 4 inches down from the armpit, and on the side of the hand (the karate chop point). While you tap on these (6-8 quick taps on each point), say, "this problem with Mom", my inability to forgive myself, my guilt toward Mom, Mom's failures toward me, my sadness about this, my inner guilt, etc. Use phrasing that will be meaningful to you, and let your emerging thoughts reconfigure it as needed. Do this as often as necessary, and whenever you feel these thoughts, this sadness. I have explained EFT to myself as a way to talk to your own immune system and get it on board with healing and forgiveness.
Check out EFT. It is powerful and endlessly applicable to new situations that trouble you. Get tapping!
B.

Oh T., I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It is always difficult when someone who loves us has trouble expressing it or treating us the way we want to be treated. I think that many times, we don't get mature enough to love them in spite of that until they are gone.

It's true that you cannot tell your mother that you're sorry- and she can no longer tell you that she is sorry either. But I am guessing that in your hearts each of you loved the other, but it was a difficult love, not an easy one.

You can't undo the past, that's true. But instead of eating yourself up with guilt, which will not help you or her or anyone else, put that energy into something besides self-hate. Put it into something that WILL help other people.

Remember how you felt when you were hurt or disappointed by your mother and resolve to try as hard as you can never to make YOUR children feel that way. Since you cannot pass on your patience and kindness to your mother now- let that inspire you to be even MORE patient and kind to others you still can speak to. Make sure you let the people in your life know that you love them, every day, even when you disagree or things are difficult- you still love them.

You deserve the love and flowers from your family. The only way that you can ever 'make things right' with your mom now is to pass down love and kindness and patience to them. Sometimes that is all we can do- remember that not all love is easy or pleasant and try hard to love people the best way we can in spite of it.

Be at peace- I am sure that is what your mother would want, and if you don't want to try to forgive yourself for your own sake, do it for your family's. They need a mother who is whole and not angry with herself. Be the best mother you can be, always, and let that be how you forgive yourself and your own mother. God bless.

Hi T.,
It is very hard for Moms like yourself to accept the love that is being given to you now. Mainly because of our past history with our own Mother's. I myself had an issue with my father dying when I was 17 right before my Senior year in High School. I know this may sound a little out there however, it has taken me until now (32 yrs) to really forgive him. Don't let this fester in your life any longer. One of the things I did was to attend a program at The Road Adventure in Richardson. It is a full weekend and if you really want to learn how to forgive and move on in your life and have your life filled with abundance, I highly recommend that you attend. The cost is only $50 and I feel it has been the best money I have spent for my healing. Check out there website at www.theroadadventure.org It's a commitment...life changing ...for the better. Living life with guilt will drag you down and the good lord never asked anyone to live a life of guilt or regret. Good luck to however you choose to let go. As Dr Wayne Dyer says...."Let go,,,,Let God".
K. O

oh Honey!
this made me cry
because all mothers even your own did things to disappoint their MOMMYS!
She would NEVER hold a new job and being busy against you!
You need to write her a love letter
tell her how sorry you are for missing that last chance
and those lost opportunities
put it somewhere important...or burn it into smoke
something symbolic
she knows that you care this much♥

You should forgive yourself. It sounds like you figured out early how to establish boundaries with an unsafe woman. Don't feel guilty for protecting yourself from someone who was unwilling or unable to care for you/family in the way you needed. For the good things she did, I'm sure you are grateful. But you are mourning for what could have been, not what actually was. Let yourself grive that you did not have the mother you needed, and forgive yourself for how you responded to her. And rejoice that you have not followed in her footsteps, but that you are the mother your family needs; in a way, you also have to be your own mother. The best thing to do is to forget what was and focus on what is. "What if" is a trap that can bog you down for a long time. Let your kids and husband love on you, just like you love on them. They don't know the past, only the present, with you, a wonderful mother, in it. You owe nothing to the past; only to the present. Hope this helps!

This Friday will mark 17 years since my mother died, and I was 2 weeks shy of graduating from high school. Before she died, a friend of ours came to visit her in the hospital. She was our age, and her mother (my mom's best friend) had died 3 years before when the two of them were in a fight. She struggled with that for 3 years because she felt like she left on bad terms with her and that her mom didn't know how she felt about her. I will never forget my mom asking this 17 year old "What do you want me to tell her when I see her in heaven?" She started bawling and said "Tell her I love her and that I'm sorry!!" Mom said "I won't do that - she already knows that and has been watching you every day."

Your mother has been watching you and is proud of you, even if you didn't get to say anything to her. The fact that you have grown to the place where you are, where you want to forgive yourself and her is probably the best mother's day gift you could ever give yourself.

I agree with the counseling or church comments already given - there's also a book called "Motherless Daughters" that I've read over and over and over. I highly recommend it. Some parts of it won't pertain to every aspect of your life, but it's always nice to find out that you're not alone, that there are a lot of us in the crappy Motherless Daughters club, and that we can all survive and become better women. After all, no matter what a mother does or says, she just wants you to become a better person.

First of all, forgive your mother.
Second, forgive yourself.
Then BE the best mother you know how to be.
That doesn't mean indulging your children. It means being there for support, love, discipline, and understanding.
I had a wonderful mother for only 19 years. It was my father I had to forgive. I am a happier person having done so. I believe if your mother could communicate with you across "the great divide" she'd tell you she's sorry and to quit raking yourself over the coals. Instead, love your children!!!!

T.,
You need to let go of the guilt you are carrying. You were dealt the hand of an alcoholic mother. The strained relationship was not solely your own doing. You are surely grieving what might have been if things had been different. You reacted to her actions & personality & illness the only way you knew how to.
I am sure your mother knew that you loved her.
What's important now is being a worthy wife and mother to your little family. Be the best mom YOU can be and let that be a testament to your mom.
You might find Alanon helpful for dealing with the guilt and you might just learn that you dealt with the situation in exactly the right way at the time with the knowledge you had.
You also might find it helpful to write your mom a long letter expressing your feelings.
Good luck and God Bless.

Understand that the problem began with HER, not being a good mom to you as a kid. That is an extremely hard pill to swallow. i know first hand, My mom is still here, but I too flip past all the mushy cards and sweet sentiments, because I dont mean them. Stop being so hard on yourself. At least you did have some kind of relationship with her. Alot of peple would've turned their back. I think the hardest part is never knowing that kind of mother daughter closeness, so you are turning your anger into guilt on yourself. You said it's too late to fix it, but did she ever try? Give yourself a break, and lovingly accept the mushy cards from your kids. You must've earned them, dont deny yourself of that!

T.,
You are NOT alone here and I hope that gives you the courage to step through this. I love the suggestions and perspective that many have given you here.....you can tell many have been where you are. One thing I want to point out is the guilt is from Satan himself. It is great you go to church. I encourage you to find a bible study to do on your own, maybe daily if you can fit it in, and pour God's word into your soul, heart, mind. That is the only weapon we have against Satan: prayer and God's Word. Guilt is NOT from God, so seek Him and He will cover this guilt with peace and joy. It will not make sense, but He promises that in His word.

for one, you need to stop lingering on the past. I too lost my mom, and I try my absolute hardest in the beginning to remember the good times more than the bad because remembering bad things will lead you to sorrowful and angry feelings. (She left us two years ago- her birthday and mothers day have been back to back) It's never too late to 'fix it', you can treat your child in the best way to 'make up' for it, you can pray- I strongly believe in God and if you let Him, he can help with you with your healing, you can treat other people great with that love you still have to give. You do not need to be feeling guilty, you're only causing harm to yourself and your family. A mother would never want their child to feel the way you are feeling. You must have peace with yourself. It's only hard if you make it that way, don't punish yourself. Send me a message if you want to talk.

Hi T.,
I understand your pain. I am sorry that Mothers Day is so difficult for you. Know that you have many people praying for you and your realization that you were not in control of this situation.
Be at peace with yourself.

T., thank you for asking me to read all this.
I am sorry for your pain.
The Lord with walk with you and help you through this.

I am lost for words and don't really have any good advice because
my mother and I do not have a good relationship.
She is still alive, but I can't be close to her.

I will pray for you.