I Need Your Advice...........

Updated on February 20, 2008
R.A. asks from Wyoming, MI
11 answers

I am a mom of 3 boys. I am working 3rd shift at Steelcase, and when I get home and try to sleep, my fiance just sits and watches TV and lets the kids run the house. I get woke up at least 5-6 times each day. And then I drag all night at work.I know this is not the kids fault. They are only 3 and 5. They need interaction and attention. When I do get up they are crabby and wanting my attention, but then i have dinner, and dishes, and cleaning the house. And then its bedtime at 7 and 8, and then I am off to work again. Please Help ME. What do I do????

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L.O.

answers from Detroit on

can you find affordable childcare - maybe 1/2 days a week so you can get some sleep?

If you can send the kids to a home daycare. they could play and learn and you could sleep.

If you cant get the dad to manage the kids any better than he is then the kids would be better off in a day care for a while..

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J.H.

answers from Grand Rapids on

This may seem harsh but does your fiance want to be a Dad? Has he bonded to your kids? Is he living with you and your kids or did you all move in with him? Did you discuss how things would work regarding job schedules and child care before you moved in together? I guess what I am getting at is maybe your desire to be together as a couple came before laying the ground work for how this family would work. I would suggest the two of you go somewhere quiet without the kids and share your feelings and expectations for your marriage, parenting, work etc. Make sure you are both on the same page now before you get married. He needs to be sure that he can both love you and be a father to your kids. Does he know how to do that? Fatherhood just like Motherhood is a process that develops over time not overnight. I don't know where you stand on faith but I would suggest you use prayer to prepare your heart and mind for this conversation with your finance and ask God for the strength to do what is right for your children. For your finance to be listen with an open heart and mind to your concerns. Finally for Jesus to be the cornerstone of your marriage should you two decide that is where God is leading you.

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A.A.

answers from Lansing on

The best advice I can give you is to make sure you have this worked out before you get married. Your fiance needs to understand that he is not just making a commitment to you but he is making a commitment to your children. You are a package deal. Do you think he feels a connection or bond with your children? Maybe he needs some quality time alone with your kids to develope that. My husband has a job were he is gone 16 days out of the month and often when he is home I feel like I am still bymyself with the kids. Like now the kids are fighting and he is playing video games waiting for me to take care of things. I would try to talk to him and then after time see if there is any change. Again, the best advice I can give you is to make sure this is resolved before you are married. This situatiom will not get better unless you do something.
Good Luck

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H.G.

answers from Grand Rapids on

Hello R.,

Have you ever sat down with your fiance and walked him through what you expect after you have gotten out of work? I would talk to him first and lay down expectations and what happens to you when you do not get the rest that you need. I would also walk him through some of the household duties that need to be done while you are away and which ones can be left for you to do when you wake up. I would also invest in a fan to drown out noise and a good set of earplugs and go over the consequences of waking you up. (ie..cannot perform job, sickness from lack of sleep = loss of income..etc) If things cannot work out..especially if you are relying on your source of income...I would rethink another plan. A thought for you if he is not willing to help out in some of these areas... If this is how he is treating you and your children when you are not married...How well do you think he will take care of you and your children when you are? Best wishes.

H.

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S.F.

answers from Benton Harbor on

Before you give up this guy, you may want to give him tools for taking care of your kids. I know my guy had zero experience with kids before, and just didn't know what to do with them. Sp try giving him a schedule, and a list of stuff that they like to do. Your kids will respond well to having a routine. Plus, your kids (even the 2 year old) is old enough to help with some of the cleaning, so add that to their schedule, and you may find more time to play.

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T.N.

answers from Saginaw on

I tottally agree with the other posts. Sit down and talk and if that don't work rethink the man. The whole important thing in the picture is u getting sleep and the kids needs. And if he an't willing to do something now don't wait til u guys get married cause its alot harder with a divorce. Good luck

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W.M.

answers from Detroit on

Hi R.,
I couldn't agree more with Holly. And so honestly don't have any other advice! lol
Seriously, your kids miss you. So Dad needs to step up to the plate and take care of them.
Good luck dear and God Bless
W.

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T.W.

answers from Lansing on

I agree with Jennifer. You need to find out if your fiance wants to be a Dad, or maybe he is overwhelmed and has no idea what to do with kids. When does he work? Is ALL the child care left to him?

You do need to work this out with him before the wedding. You should sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart!

GL:)

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J.V.

answers from Detroit on

I agree with Jennifer too. your kids are the most important thing, if he cant help you and respect you and help out then he's not the one, I work from 5pm to 1am and I take care of my 3 kids, in the morning getting them off to school I also have one in kindergarden that doesnt go to school until the afternoon, I cat nap and then sleep when she goes to school, my husband takes care of the kids when I go to work at night. Don't be afraid to talk to him that is the most important thing be honest and always talk to each other.

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M.C.

answers from Saginaw on

Does your man work? Rethink the guy.

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N.C.

answers from Saginaw on

Well, I was a single mom of two boys, and had a third shift job, then got married and had four kids, because he had two, then we had another. SO, five kids, a husband who was a truck driver, and away more than home, and I tell you, get a good neighbor, or relative to watch the kids, kick the fiance off the couch, and make him get a job! I also think, if he's not doing the house work, you're afool to keep him around. You're working, and doing it all? Bye Bye Mister! I worked third shift till my kids were almost all grown. Set rules, I know they are little, but one thing my kids learned really fast was, do not wake up mom unless there's a fire(we had one) or someone is bleeding. I also homeschooled my kids starting when the kids were 13, down to 5. They can learn to be self sufficient, but do need guideance at the younger ages. Loose the man, you'll be better off. If he won't help at all , why is he there?N. By the way, my kids are now 21, 20, 18, 16, and 14, and they are all responsible grown up acting young people. Two are in the military, two are married and parents of their own children, and one more is talking to recruiters. I have a fireman for a son, also. They can grow up without the bad influences of a lazy fiance. Now there is nothing wrong with telling them in just a minute, but then, you must respond, not ignore them. Get rid of the guy, and find a really good sitter. 3rd shift is the opportunity to get your kids up in the morning, and tuck them in yourself at night. They can't miss you when they are asleep. I also suggest learning to get by on about five hours sleep. It can be done. I did thirds for almost 20 years.

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