He is adopted and came home from guatemala in march last year. being only 7 mos old, we let him sleep with us ONLY sometimes, when he was really upset because we knew he was adjusting. for the longest time, he never "asked" to come into our bed, even when he was sick or teething. now all of the sudden, in the past 2 weeks, he has been waking up in the middle of the night and will NOT go back to sleep in his crib. he even throws temper tantrums and screams when we tell him that he has to sleep in his own bed. when my hubby goes in there he can USUALLY get him to lay down at least, and then he will fall asleep without crying, because i think my hubby "scares" him...not really but you know what i mean. however, sometimes it doesnt work even with my husband going in there, so we just fold and let him come into bed. im talking this goes on for two hours. we need sleep too. any ideas? hes 19 months old. we have tried the snack before bed, the drinks of water, we have tried what seems like everything under the sun.
Thanks for all of your help with the sleep stuff. Some may have misunderstood, he has been home for about a year- so Im not new at the whole adoption thing. And he sleeps fine in his won crib, its just that when he wakes up he will not go BACK in his crib, he wants to stay with us. He has NO problem sleeping in his crib for naps, and no problem laying down in his crib. Its just that when he wakes up, he wants to finish the night with us.
I used to let him cry it out for about 5-7 minutes when he was younger. He will be 2 in July and I think that he is waaaaay too old to let him cry it out. basically that is saying to him that Mommy is ignoring him and making him LITERALLY cry himself to sleep. When they are little that is one thing but with a toddler , in my own opinion, I think that is wrong.
Anyway thanks for all of your advice, we have decided that this is just another phase, we will get through it- we always do!
Thanks again!
Let him sleep with you. My son did that too and he was having night terrors and dreams. Someone also suggested to me to bring the crib into my room and have him sleep near me. He just wanted to know I'm there. He would reach over and touch my hand and go back to sleep.
He will eventually grow out of it. Embrase it now while he's young and it gives him comfort.
Good luck,
L.
Toddlers start to dream and can have nightmares around this time and since they aren't great at communicating, it can be hard to determine if this is the problem. Does he have a night light? A "lovey" (teddy, blanket, whatever)? I hope it gets better soon!
try leaving a light on in the hallwayto let a little light in the room , or maybe a night light. Does he have toys to play with quietly in his cric if he wakes up? My kids have all been major blankie babies/kids, but that started out young. I think that's helped to "sooth" them. Good luck!
HI! I know that this can be annoying BUT there is a difference especially in a child adopted international. I am an adult adoptee and the Mom of two adopted children one of which was adopted from China.
Our daughter, almost three, sleeps with us occasionally. These are more bonding issues than actual sleeping issues. These kids have been abandoned once, they sometimes have not had their needs met when they cried. Many have learned in their first few months that crying does no good. There is a need in infants to have their basic needs met and by doing so a bond is established between the care giver and the baby. In international adoption this bond is sometimes not well established or is broken when the child is placed in the forever family. So using 'Ferberizing' techniques probably won't work or worse yet can damage bonding.
Here is what we have done, we let her fall asleep with us and put her into her own bed. While I would like for her to sleep in her own bed every night I know that her bonding and her need for the assurance that I will always be there for her is more important than my comfort. I feel like sometimes she is testing us to see if we truly are there for her. There are several groups on Yahoo that go deeper into the bonding issues of internationally adopted children.
Hello I'm the mom of 4 boys and all of my children have slept in our bed. In fact the youngest is 2 and he statrs out in his toddler bed but by morning he is in bed with us. I have a loving husband ,wonderful father and he doesn't mind. Our 4 year old even does this once in a while. It's a personal choice of course but But my experience is eventually they grow out of it. Little kids need security. Do you like to sleep alone? I don't in fact when my hubby's been gone over night, I like my children near me.
The best thing to do is simply put him in his bed, shut the door and let him cry himself to sleep. Sounds mean, and he may really throw a major tantrum like you have never heard before (because he is figuring out that he is not going to get his way). If his crying really bothers you, let him cry for about 10 to 15 minutes at a time and then go in and soothe him for a few minutes (pat him on the back, give him a hug and dry his tears, but do not remove him from the bed or speak to him besides making a ssshhh sound while comforting him). After repeating this a few times, he will find out that he is not going to get out of his bed. He will eventually give up and lie down and go to sleep. It may happen for a few nights in a row, but he will eventually learn that he is not going to wear you down and give up and go to sleep. You have to stick to your guns on this issue. It is really important for a child to learn to self-soothe at times. He is at the age where a child begins to notice cause and effect. If I cry, I get what I want, even if it's not the best thing for me. They will test their limits on everything! Whatever you do, don't reward bad behavior like giving in to his tantrums. If he wakes up and his diaper is wet, just change him and put him back in the bed. The best thing to do is keep the lights dim (or off) or use a nightlight, keep your voice low if you speak, but if you speak too much he will think it's time to get up and play. Tell him it's still night-night time and have sweet dreams as you lay him back down. If he is in the habit of having a drink in the middle of the night, try giving him a small amount of water only in a spill-proof cup to take to bed with him at night and allow him to keep it with him until morning. I'm rooting for you! This worked for me! You may even want to think about moving your son to a toddler bed--having his very own special bed may make him want to sleep in it! Let him help pick out some sheets or a comforter so he feels in control of things!
M.,
Most everyone will probably tell you to just let him cry it out. My husband and I are in a similar situation. Our 18 month has gotten into the bad habit of waking up after 5 or 6 hours and not going back to sleep until I rock him or put him in bed with us. This has been going on for about a year, on and off, mainly on. He is my youngest of 4 and have never had this problem before. So if you get any great advice let me know I would love to hear how everything works out for you.
First off Id like to say Congrats on the addopiton.
Im a stay at home mom of 2 little boys ages 6 amd 2 my 2 yr old has decide that he is a big boy and crawled out of his crib so he sleeps in a big boy bed now my 6yr old wont sleep in his bed he sleeps on the couch or love seat. when they wake up they come to my bed too. lol the only thing i can say i do is take them back to there bed and lay with them till they go back to sleep sometimes that helps. hope this helps. if i can be of any other help feel free to contact me at ____@____.com
The same thing started going on with our 20 month old a couple of weeks ago. I took him to the Dr just to make sure he didnt have and ear infection or something else going on. Of course no ear infection anything of the sort. BUt she did notice he was cutting his 2 year molars. I started giving him motrin a hour before bed and putting orajel on. The first night he slept for 13 hours! I hope it works out for you.
My suggestion is to let him scream it out. He will eventually quit & go to sleep. Start on a Friday. It usually only takes 3-4 nights & they quit this altogether. The more you give in to his demands, the longer this will last. Yes, I've been there, done that. You need to correct this behaviour before he learns to climb out of the crib. Then the only alternative is to childproof the room & put gates, yes plural, in the doorway. Good luck! Sometimes parenting takes nerves of steel. I am a mother of 5 sons that are all grown now. I now babysit full time. I've learned a lot through the years & continue to learn. You never know it all.
i have a 19 mth old girl, i will try to help thow im sure with the adoption form another country has to make a difference. i made the mistake of letting my baby sleep with me from birth til i had her brother in sept. did i ever pay for it.i keep a play pen in my livingroom so that she doesnt fall while napping and i found that if i lay her in there at nite (with a bottle when shes upset)and turn tv and lights off she goes pretty easy cuz she knows im still there, then when shes asleep i tatke her to her bed. most times shes stays asleep when she does wake up crying i lay her with me til she goes to sleep again then back to her bed. i find im having to do that less often. i think its just a security thing.
Call Pathways Caring for Children in Canton or the Adoption Network in cleveland. Or even Children's Hospital in Akron (they have a clinic for adopted kiddos). Double check him to make SURE there is no underlying health issues. They will also be able to give you advice on attachment and sleep issues.
The trick with any child is: Routine, routine, routine. Keep it simple. Here's ours: Pjs and diaper changes, snack, story time with Daddy, brush teeth, sing good night song and kiss all over Mommy then off to bed.
With our 16 month old adopted son, we use a little singing frog that plays classical music for 4 minutes and he likes to watch the ceiling fan.
My other two share a room and we made a tape of ourselves reading stories (Thomas the Tank Engine ad nauseum...). 4 year old plays it in a cassett player; 2 year old listens. They both fall asleep.
Check with the adoption support people before you do too much 'cry it out' time. A little is ok. A lot is dangerous (see Dr. Bryan Post, the Post Institute).
he may just be going trough a seperation anxiety thing. my sons do that and then everything is back to norm after a couple of weeks
Well, for me, I'd think the easiest thing would just be to let him sleep with you. If he's not waking after he comes in to your bed, you wouldn't lose much sleep. But if it's very important to you that he stay in his own bed, perhaps you need to find out why he is waking. Is he teething? Is he going though a developmental milestone? Is he having nightmares? If you figure out what is causing him to wake you can better solve the problem or just wait it out if it's a temporary thing. Also, you could just go lie down with him until he falls back to sleep. Check out www.askdrsears.com if you want to know more about co-sleeping
We put the glow in the dark stars on our sons ceiling. We would sing him a lullaby with the lights out and tell him to look at the stars. This got him preoccupied enough to want to be in his bed. We also hung an model airplane from string that my husband made for his stars.
As he is getting older, we added a night light. He had watched the Monsters movie and thought they were in his room. The night light keeps them away, its placed right outside his closet door.
I think every parent struggles with a child not wanting to go to bed, but not wanting to sleep in his own bed can be so much harder.
I don't know if this relates, but do you and your husband spend quality time just chatting infront of him? I read in a book by the Ezzos that often kids will want to be with parents at night to see if the parents spent time together. It's about feeling secure that the parents will be together and he will have a family to be with.
I pray that God will give you special understanding since he is adopted. Normally, I'd suggest to do all that you are doing by meeting his needs before he goes to bed. Then I'd say, no matter what just put him to bed every time without any stimulation...not even talking...(my Pyschology teacher told me about a kid who had a hard time going to bed and so the parents where instructed to put the kid in his bed everytime he got up with out any stimulation. The first night the kid got up something like 39 times! The second night it was about half and the thrid night only once or twice and after that the child didn't get up at all.)
(If you want to get together with other moms in the area and some that have even adopted like you, you could join us on the 1st and 3rd Tuesdays of every month at 9:15 to 11:30am at Coburn Methodist Church. The group is called Mops. It stands for Mothers of Preschoolers. It is really nice to have some adult conversation while the kids play. It is Christian and many of the moms go to different churches. It's really refreshing.)
Coming from someone who woke my mom up every night until I was 8 years old, don't let him come to your bed. It's fine once in a while, a storm, a nightmare, sick, etc. But, the best thing to do is to go to his room and sleep or at least stay until he's asleep and leave. My boys go through this phase every few months. It's very exhausting. Have you thought about trying a toddler bed? Maybe a change to a "big boy bed" will make him want to sleep in his own bed, too.
I have two adopted daughters and it is so easy to let them go to sleep in the easiest way possible at first. You will need to set up a routine that he can count on to happen every night. We always found this to be the best way. The way he initially falls to sleep at night is how he will get himself back to sleep when he stirs in the middle of the night. We all stir in the night but if everything is the same we will settle back down. You will need to make a rountine. We would start every night at the same time. We always started with a nice warm bath followed by p.j.s of course. Then we would find a special spot for our snack. It can be a special blanket or a corner with a bunch of pillows or under a table, anyplace fun. Have a nutritious snack without a lot of sugar while you read a chosen number of books. Our number was usually 3 until our girls started picking thicker books! Be sure and have a few fun songs in there too. Then brush his teeth and it is time to lay down. Everyone can give him hugs and kisses and then lay him down. He will cry. Leave the room and don't come back until 15 minutes is up. Go back in and without turning on the lights or touching him tell him to go to sleep and that you love him and will see him in the morning. I will warn you that it will be hard. It was easier for me if I gave myself 15 minutes to accomplish something around the house than if I stood by the door. Keep this up every 15 minutes. Eventually he will use up all his extra energy and will go to sleep. He will probaby wake up in the night and you have to do it all again. After a few night it will get bettter. We made the same mistakes you did with our oldest daughter and my husband finally resorted to laying on the floor by her crib. Guess what happened when she woke in the night and Daddy wasn't there? Then we had to break her from that. It is a loving thing to teach your son how to be independant and go to sleep by himself. Stay strong and plan to start this when you have a few night free so you won't be exhausted in the morning. You both have to be consistent and be committed for a few weeks.
Enjoy this little guy.
Boy does thais bring back memories! When we had our first baby (15yrs. ago) we went through something just like you are describing. I think all children go through something like this at one time or another. I would put my son in his crib and then lay down on the floor next to him with a pillow and blanket so he would feel like someone was still in the room with him. I would talk to him and sing him to sleep. I think everyone comes up with their own plan to get them through these difficlut stages and you will too. I think consistency is important and letting the child know they are safe is important.
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Let him go to sleep with you then put him back in his crib. When he wakes up he will be back in his bed. My daughter used to wake up screaming and look right at me. I would rub her back and try to get her to relax. It takes time. Just try not to let them see your aggravated.Easier said then done.But you can do it.
Have you ever watched Super Nanny? I haven't tried her techniques out because my girls stayed in their beds 99% of the time.
What she suggests you do is to sit in the room with him but do not communicate with him at all (no speaking, no eye contact, no giving drinks, etc.). If I remember correctly, she says to sit on the floor with your back to the child and then slowly every so often move yourself closer to the door. If your child is standing up in the crib crying, go lay him down gently without any communication and then go back to sitting on the floor. This could take a very long time (even hours) but it should eventually work.
I am probably leaving out some details since I have never had to use this technique myself. Maybe some of the other posters can fill in anything that I have left out.
Not the "perfect" plan but it works for us. We turn the TV on in my son's room who is 20 months and he is usually out in 15 minutes at the most.
If this is really important to you the best thing I can say is that you must talk to him only the first time that you put him back in bed, and that only to say "It is time to sleep".
Keep thing dark and quiet.
Keep your eyes cast down as much as possible.
You will have to do this many times until he gets the idea.
Now, if it is more important that you and your husband get sleep, then go ahead and bring him into your bed.
Do one or the other.
Both is too confusing for him.
We had 6 children and I decided early on that I needed my sleep.
We would put our children to bed in their own beds and if they awoke in the night they could come in our king-size bed.
Be assured that they did not carry this on much beyond the age of 6 unless they had a nightmare or something.
This happened to us too. Only he didn't want to come into our bed, he actually wanted to get up and play or watch tv. It went on for a couple months and was making us batty. I'm not really sure why it happened or what made it stop. But eventually he started sleeping through the night again. Is he still sleeping in a crib? We found it actually helped to get him a toddler bed. He climbed out of his crib more than he climbs out of his toddler bed. (Odd, isn't it?) Best of luck to you! It sounds like you're doing all that you can.
