I Need Advice on Discipline.

A great book.. "Parenting With Love and Logic"
http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Love-Logic-Updated-Expand...
Taught me how to speak differently with my children, really helped!! Best of luck! -c

My son who is now 20 was such a super active kid it drove me absolutely crazy. Until we signed him up for karate and swimming lessons. Karate teaches discipline. Plus it exhausted him that when he came home all he wanted to do was his homework, eat and sleep!

Wow, it sounds like a lot is going on for him. First of all, I read some of the other advise and want you to know that a lot of them are correct. A diet can change the way he acts if he has food alergies or is defficiant in a certain vitamin, but on the other hand, if he is truely ADD/ADHD, then you would be doing more harm then good to mess around in an area you don't know about. ADD is actually a huge spectrum, it may be that he can not focus because he is having a visual or auditory processing issue (you won't know until he goes to school). Basically a lot of problems fit under the ADD diagnosis and should realy be evaluted so that his lack of control does not effect him at school. My recommendation would be to have him evaluated the Learning Gym in Manhattan Beach or through the school district. A lot of parents fear that meds are the only option, and while I will say I do believe they are important for many children, it helps to know where the problem is coming from. There are different programs (PACE, Brain Gym) that can retrain the brain and are getting great results with and without supplimental medication. Rit. is often the last resort, there are tons of new meds that have really cut the side effects down. Hope this helps, you are not alone..he he really may not be able to help himself.

Terrilynn,
Take a deep breath mama, this too shall pass. All you have to do is change your perspective and find a new approach. Change your perspective by finding time to be silly and connect back with your son. This age can drive you crazy if you let it. I have two that have been through it and one that is now in it. THe approach: For school, I have told the teacher to send home all unfinshed work if it was not done due to my child not focusing. Instead of play time, the work will have to be done. If it doesn't get done, then the weekend is now full with homework. If you have somewhere to go, then take a clipboard so your son can do the work no matter where you are. At home I have homework time that comes right after we get a snack after school. I tell my children that learning is important and it's my job to help them through this part of their lives. I sit down and include myself and help them as they are doing the homework. It's important to help make learning fun. We get things done with time to do crafts, play a game, do some reading. I don't allow videos or computer games during the week. If they act up at home with behavior I ask them to leave the room and then I join the child in his or her room to discuss what I expect in a (mostly)calm, kind voice. I explain that it is their job to help our home be a good and happy place to be, so I expect them to do their part. No matter what, you can create a wonderful environment for you children. Make some rules, then stick to it. It gets frustrating when they refuse or yell and scream, but this is when you have to stick to your plan. "The work will still be here when your through yelling at me. I can''t allow you to speak to me that way. When you've calmed down and are ready to get you work done, please join us." These are lines you can use. I have used them and they continue to work for me. Don't get me wrong, everyday is a new adventure in parenting and the drama doesn't go away over night. Your payoff if you need one is that you have raised responsible adults who get the job done and will feel good about themselves. Our jobs as parents is to help our children find their best selves in this crazy place called life. Good luck and be the blessing.

Hi! I have a daughter who was the same until I talked to our doc. and found out that she needed to be in the air most of the time so we went to OT and they helped her learn to focus. She does her homework on a big special ball and with the spelling we got a trampoline and she bounces the words out she has to chew gum even in school to focus and is doing so much better. We put a trapeze for her to swing on and it has helped. Also, I took a parenting class on discipline and it has helped a lot, just keep focused yourself and remember who's the boss, it is not easy and very draining but has paid off with great rewards. I found her nitch and it was tennis. sports works! God bless.

Maybe you need to try taking things away from him. THe things that he likes or likes to do like Nintendo or whatever.. for a discipline. You have to stick to what you say. Like if you tell him that he can't do something and he keeps bugging you for an hour and then you let him do it.. he will know that he can always get away with things if he keeps bugging. Don't let him get away with things. My 9 year son is similar. You just have to be strict with him and don't let him walk all over you . Does he have a father that he listens to better. another thing would be if he has a bike he likes to ride.. take this away from him. He have to come up with some way of disciplining him.. so look at the things he likes to do.. and take them away from him until he starts paying more attention and listening. Try to have routines for him.. Kids love routines.. and Praise him when he does good things and maybe come up with special things that the two of you can do together when he complets something like when he sits nice and does his homework maybe he gets an ice cream or something like that.
hope this helps

Terrilynn,

Good morning. I empathize with you, however encourage you to take control, and prepare him for the world at large. It's time for him to experience the reality of consequences. I'm sure he has accumulated gifts which include toys and other goodies of which he enjoys. Kids are more apt to make the connection to punishment, when immediate discipline follows the unwanted behavior. My suggestion is, you sit him down in a quiet place; pull out his favorite items; have a firm conversation something like, "Your going to loose not only privileges, but one of these items every time you do those things mommy has asked you, not to do." You might even come up with a list, and have him sign it. Part of the challenge will be consistency. You have to teach him that your word is law (firm). There's no need for you to be a hostage in your home. Trust me, children like everyone else, operate better when they're given boundaries; it allows them a sense of security and protection not only in the home, but also from that great big world outside the walls, they call home!

Terrilynn - there is a lot going on in your life right now, if this is a new behavior it may be a response to all the changes in your lives and you many want to consider some counseling or get some advice on helping him cope. If not a new behavior you might consider having him tested for ADHD. Food allergies are also sometimes the culprit - I didn't realize it until it happened to a friend, but it seems that in kids food allergies can sometimes cause changes in behaviors.

Best of luck to you!

L.

Hi Terrilynn,

I am a Grandmother of an ADHD 10 year old grandson. He was just like how you describe your son. My daughter took him to the doctors. They gave him Adderall XR. It has really worked for him. He did not understand why he could not do the things the Teachers or you wanted him to do. He wanted to be good but he just could not because of ADHD. Please take him to see his doctor. Tell the doctor what is happening so both of you will understand and be happy again. It was very hard for me to think that my grandson had ADHD. He is happy at home, school and when we go places now and so are we.

M.

Hello Terrilynn,
My advice to you is to read some books about how divorce effects children. If you have divorced from his father and have remarried and he is always acting out he has a lot bottled up inside him. At seven kids don't need an overload of information but you need to find out what questions he has about all the changes that have gone on in his little life. he might be blaming himself. If you are dealing with anxiety about all these changes he has got to be going through much more because he does not have the coping skills we do as adults. Also, seeing parents arguing, fight or battle over anything adds to their distress. If you can I would advice you to get the whloe family into counseling(kids new hubby and ex), not all at eh same time of,course, with someone who has experience with kids that have gone through a divorce or read a lot of books on the subject. You also need to work with your ex to learn how to parent together as friends no matter what. If you can accomplish this you both will be great roles models for your kids. If this is not done he and your daughter may get some negative effects that will affect their relationships as adults. It takes a lot of work to make the grass greener on the other side. Hope your new hubby is on broad and willing to provide the support you need in order for you to have a healthy relationship with your ex and helping your son understand al the changes he has been through.
Wishing you all the best!

Hi Terrilynn,
It has been proven that children who eat more fresh fruits and vegetables and less meat, white sugar & processed foods are more calm and receptive in their daily lives. Processed sugar is the worst because children will eat it and get super hyper then crash out and end up fighting or crying.

Maybe he doesn't listen to you because he knows there is nothing at stake. Start taking away his toys and priviledges when he doesn't behave. Give him time out in a place with absolutely no stimulation instead of in a room thats full of toys. Whatever you tell him, follow through so he respects the power of your words. Talk to you child in a compassionate way. Sit him down and look him in the eyes when you speak to him.

Above all, don't put him on medication. Any "hyper-activity" can be solved with a natural, organic diet and plenty of physical activity.

I saw that you have anxiety. There is a great remedy. Whenever anxiety pops up, cultivate a feeling of deep trust. Trust that whatever happens you will be ok. Trust that the universe is taking care of you. The more you feel it, the more it will be your reality.
Much Love to You!
R.

First, take some time out to talk with your son and have him help plan some activities that just you and he do. Set one afternoon per week aside to do this. My husband and I just did this with our 7 year old son and it has been working well. Behavior at home and school have take a BIG change for the better. Also, our son has big time food allergies and this DEFINITELY affects behavior. Many people focus on sugar (which is a factor) but other triggers for our son are wheat, soy and egg which I hadn't considered until I was completely desperate. You may want to investigate allergy testing through your doctor. (If you do, request the blood draw test AND the skin tests. We got a more accurate reading w/the blood draw.) Good luck and don't give up. I don't know you but I'm sure you're a good mom... at least you're trying! Parenting (next to marraige) is the hardest thing I've ever done :)

It sounds like your son is not coping well with your marriage and the divorce with his father! He might be acting out! You and your ex should meet with your son to resolve these issues!. Steflove,
life Coach

It sounds like your son may have ADHD. I am a therapist who works with kids and I see a lot of this. You use so many key words in your very brief description. Talk to your pediatrician about your son's behavior and/or see a therapist who specializes in children and families. The situation that is occurring with the custody battle and your new marriage may be very difficult for him to process and coupled with your own anxiety may be adding to his acting out behavior. This is where the therapist can really come in handy and it may be helpful to you as well. There is also a parenting class called The Incredible Years that can really help with discipline. It is a really wonderful 12-14 week class. Maybe there is one in your area. I don't know if there is a website- but check it out. Good luck.

Wow, how professional to diagnose a kid with anything from a small blurb of text! I am just a mom but I would say the custody battle is stressful for him too and he needs attention and positive reinforcement. He must be pretty scared of the prospect of losing his Mom or his Dad. I am reading Raising Cain, Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys right now and I find it to be very informative and accurate. I am sorry for your troubles. A very wise mother of 9 once told me, it doesn't matter so much what you do but that everything you do is done out of love not anger or frustration.

Sounds like your son though somewhat hyper active also may be mirroring the strains you are feeling in your life. I'd suggest spending quality time with him, listening to him and maybe in kid terms explaining all the changes that have occured in his life,i.e. a new step dad (even though you aren't telling him he feels what's going on under the surface with your struggle with his dad and your anxiety). For a kid to adjust to a new family situation is very hard, his only way of copiing is the joking, hyper way that you are speaking about. Even though he may be bouncng off the walls it is so important that you "conatain" him in this transition. In the meantime find ways for you to relax and de-stress, yoga, walks, whatever it is for you then you will feel more resourced to face the challenge of his transition and how best to lovingly let him know that you are not abandoning him, )when one parent is gone sometimes kids are fearful that the other might leave also). He sounds emotionally unglued and needs your help to glue all the pieces back together again! You are a great mother and it's tough but find a centered peaceful place in yourself and you'll be able to be the strength that he can draw from in his panic!
Many Blessings
GC

first, see your pediatrician and rule out any medical problems

then, get him started in some sort of activity that he will like - sports, karate' dance (don't laugh I do hula and the men are very diciplined)

anything that will keep him occupied physically

and if he thinks it is a joke and that bugs you, put him to work scrubbing the floors, vacuuming, wash the car. all things that have to be done by someone, why not him. And so what if it isn't the way you do, it gets done and teaches him

I would take him for a LONG walk after school or sign him up for a sport - something that will help him burn off his energy. If you have a dog, maybe you can have him play with the dog.

Also, this might not pertain to you, but-

You might also want to talk to him about your family's current situation and consider that it might have something to do with your son's behavior. Divorce is brutal for kids and bringing someone new into the picture can aggravate everything, so I highly recommend doing some research on blending families and helping your children deal with divorce - if you haven't already done that. It could be that he is desperate to get your attention on an emotional level. I would spend one on one time with him specifically and encourage him to talk about his feelings. Also be sure not to talk about the visitation battle in front of your kids and be careful what you let other people say in front of your kids. Adults can sometimes be unintentionally insensitive to what is appropriate to say in front of kids.

It never hurts to say something nice about the other parent - even if it kills you! LOL It's one step beyond refraining from negative comments and it makes a child feel safer if they feel that there is peace between their parents.

Also, remember if you have anxieties he probably feels it too so be sure you're managing your own feelings as well and getting the support you need - custody and visitation battles are one of the most stressful (and disgusting) things to go through in life and can take their toll on the strongest person.

I hope this helps and I wish you and your family all the peace and happiness in the world!

K.
mommywood.com

hello,
Have you tried a reward system with your son? I did this with my kids at all ages . We got wrapping paper with balloons on it. They earned balloons by doing chore, being good, getting a good grade ect. They lost one for mouthing off, acting up ect. They found this fun and I found much more effective then time outs.
Just an idea, hope it helps.

Hi Terilynn. I have a daughter that is 10 now, for a long time she would not listen to me, and basically decided that she new more than I did. The dynamic in my home shifted when I stopped working, and she was no longer the woman of the house. We went to family therapy together, one thing that really worked for us, at least a starting place was to sit next to my Oliviia, either with playdough, drawing, anything that for just five minutes only looking for praises, and only saying what you see, as a special boy for just being him, and that special time together will be a gift from you to him. Wow, it was hard for me to be in the moment even for only five minutes but I would have never thought of that, and actually feel connected to her that easily. Then the counting down from 5 to one, starting with 5 being the least important to 1 the most sevear. Well that took me so long to keep it straight, because at first she didn't care what I took away, but when I finally came to the combo, she listens to me, and hates it, but I feel less angry, and more in control, and more of the parent I want to be. I have only 1 child, and I had her at 41, I think you are doing a great job by staying home for as long as you can.
Oh, We did figure out that my daughter needed some medicaion that really helped her with her relationships with school, also home work. Another thing I learned in therapy was with children who cannot sit still, work only for 5 or 10 minutes at a time with a 5 minute break inbetween, and slowly increase the homework overtime, but always having that small break. With Olivia, I think that it gave her more confidence that she could do the work, with out me getting so frustrated and angry. Now it is a habbit, but I always need to go back and figure it out, one step forward two steps back. But it has really helped me. I hope any thing here will help you. Only 5 minutes.
K.

Hi Terrilyn: Your little boy must be so angry! His world has been torn apart and he had no say and no control. His dad is gone from his home (with a court battle added to the mix) and a new guy is there taking his mom's attention and love. Even if he is the greatest guy on earth, your son is going to have some strong emotions. If all this is new behavior, maybe he needs some professional help to deal with all the chaos. If he has always been very active,as most boys are, help him channel it with long walks, runs in the park, sports, etc. Be patient and kind to him. It's hard for someone so young to handle adult problems. Good luck!

Hi Terrilynn,
I feel you and imagine what you are going through. My husband and I took classes called Loved and Logic at Village Church (Burbank, CA). Jim Fay and Charles Fay, Ph.D. have studied years and put in practice lots of good techniques for every stage in childhood.They work all the time. They have books, DVDs, etc, You should visit www.loveandlogic.com and find out for yourself. I wish you the best!

From your description, I think it would be worthwhile to look into whether your son may be ADD/ADHD. I suggest you go to the website “naet.com” and order the book “Say Good-bye to ADD and ADHD,” as sometimes the behaviors are the result of a body’s reaction to things it perceives as allergens. If you decide to pursue treatment, you can find an NAET certified doctor through the website. I (and 2 of my grand children) go to Dr. David Karaba for other allergy related treatment (freedom) in Fullerton and absolutely love him. His phone number is ###-###-####. If you want to do further research, you can also visit narfnet.com. Here’s the information on the book:

Say Good-bye to ADD and ADHD
By - Devi S. Nambudripad, M.D., D.C., L.Ac., R.N., Ph.D.

This book explains how ADD and ADHD are related to food, chemical, environmental factors, vaccinations, drugs, and other factors. In Say Good-bye ADD and ADHD, Dr. Nambudripad, the developer of NAET® (Nambudripad’s Allergy Elimination Techniques), provides an innovative and natural solution to ADD and ADHD, the most common problem plaguing many children and adults today. This book will provide guidelines to help self-evaluate and recognize the symptoms of ADD and ADHD or educate the parents to observe and evaluate the child’s behaviors from a very young age by guiding through a list of abnormal behaviors or patterns in the child. If any abnormality is suspected, then the parent could seek appropriate medical help at an early age. This book show you how certain commonly used foods and environmental substances can cause attention deficit and hyperactive disorders in your child; how you can test your child and detect the culprit causing the child’s sudden abnormal behaviors in your privacy of your own home using the Nambudripad’s Testing Techniques described in the book. This book will educate you how your child’s health problems can relate to allergy and, how allergies can manifest in myriad symptoms that might seem unrelated. The author also provides a few effective home-help procedures that might temporarily get your child out of trouble. The book also helps you find the help in assisting your child find the help he needs to reduce ADD or ADHD or even eliminate permanently and help the child lead a normal life. The book is supported by case studies from NAET® practitioners, and testimonials from patients who have been treated successfully by NAET®.

There is a chance that he has an attention-deficit disorder. But more likely, he is acting out due to the reasons evident in your "about me" description. His world is upside-down, being stuck in a battle between you and his father while adjusting to a new "father" as well. He senses your own anxiety, too. He needs your one-on-one attention and the assurance that he is loved. He needs something to make him feel stable and secure, since things have happened in his life to make him feel otherwise. Set a "date" time every week, or an hour every day, when it is just for you and him to be together. Keep to that schedule, not letting anyone or anything else "steal" the time. You can take him for ice cream, just read a book together or do something bigger - as long as it is a routine he can count on, and you are focused only on him. Sounds like he needs positive incentives, rather than negative consequences. Make a chart with specific goals (i.e. spend 30 minutes on homework, sit still through dinner) and track his success with stickers - then reward him with something special when the chart is full. Hope this helps!

Here is what comes up for me from your letter.
First off, if you can afford it - put him into karate. This will tire him out AND teach him respect and discipline.
Second - create a time out space/chair/mat for him. This is where you'll have to be strict and follow through. If he is being naughty ;) put him there for a specific amount of time, explain to him WHY you are doing this and for the duration of this 'punishment' don't talk with him. If he gets up to leave, put him back on it. If he cries/kicks/screams - let him. Afterwards, explain again why you did this and what it is you are looking for from him.
I also think in general, that you should keep a dialog going with him that comes from a place of: "Here is what I would like for you to do and here is why" rather then "you have to do this and that's final" Give him choices as much as possible - give him the power to make a decision. Have him help you as much as possible in whatever you are doing as well. Focus your energy and attention on the good things he does and communicate that to him as well. Spend some alone time with him, let him choose where you will go – create time for bonding.
One final note - you spoke about 'battle with his father', 'got married 5 months ago' ( i am assuming this is not his biological dad) and 'battling with anxiety'. All of these are tremendous and i am sure he feels in battle as well. Not only from watching you and picking up on your cues, but also because there is a lot of tension and changes around him. He may not know how to express this or deal with it properly. You need to seek a place/space/person that can help YOU deal with YOUR battles and give you the tools to deal with YOUR changes and that will translate into your parenting skills. Being a mother is being a leader – take charge of your life! He’ll see your power and strength and follow with glee.
I hope this helps.
-F.

Consistency. I learned this as a new step-mom with two boys, one with ADD at ages 6 and 12 (now 9 and 15 years). First, if you keep threatening with discipline, you will never get control. I give the boys one chance to rectify their behavior and after that, it's all business, and I mean, I do not give in, I do not back off on the said punishment (and you better have them ready to go and clear between you and anyone else that is helping care for your son) and stick to your guns. He will soon understand that he WILL have a consequence to his action. You need to figure out what means the most to him. For example, is he really upset if he can't watch TV? Or more upset if he doesn't receive allowance?

On the flip side, you must also really thank him and reward him with loving gestures when he does what you ask! It takes a little while for this pattern to set in, but it will work.

At first I thought maybe he should be tested for ADD and this is still an option, but then I read how much your family is going through right now. It sounds like your current situation is affecting your son. He probably feels the stresses that you feel. Maybe he could see a therapist. In the meantime, follow through is the best discipline. If you say you are going to take something away, do it. Good luck and I hope life gets better soon.

Ask him if he would like to not be in school. Maybe he just needs to be out running around, not placed in school. It may appeal to him, but then he might miss his friends. Tell him that if he wants to be in school, it requires self discipline. The word self is the key. It is his choice, be in school and do homework by is own volition or don't be in school. Boys nornally develope slower than girls, so don't push him, don't give him complexes he can't underand or deal with. Just push him outside to run around. When the homework becomes an issue, he will deal with it on his own terms. He needs to learn to take responsibility for his actions, and now is better than later, when high school is critical for college, work etc. He will be come self motivated, so just rise above the daily and be patient mom, be very patient. It works. Oh, and go get some counseling for your self, it will make life easier for everyone else, especially you. Been there, done that, E. H

Oooh, you have a lot of new & difficult changes going on in your life right now & they are bound to affect your son. I suggest speaking to a Pastor or therapist to help counsel your son & get him through whatever emotions he might be trying to deal with. I think that if he can get adjusted to all the new changes, his behavior will improve.

My 7 year old daughter has similare problems. I had to take her out of school and tried homeschooling her. She does not sit still or focus on what needs to be done, but give her a Nintendo game and gosh. Anyway, I was so frustrated I talked to her pediatrtion? and now er have her on meds. I was not thrilled, but I talked with other homeschool moms and found that my problems are very similare to a lot in our group. They also have their shildren on the sames meds and some are starting to go off. They commented that it really helps, AND it is not a forever thing. We are using Concerta, not Ritalin. But see you ped and see what they have to say.
Good luck to you.
K.

A couple of books have really helped me with my 4 1/2 year old very active son. Kids, Parents and Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and Raising your spirited child also by Kurcinka.

Boys need to get their wiggles out before they can even attenmpt to sit. Before homework or anything that involves concentrated sitting, have him run around outside, or have a routine of exercises that you and him do together. Not only are you spending focused time together, but expending some pent up energy. Don't assume it's ADHD yet, focus on dietary nutrition by limiting sugary snacks and drinks which only stimulate the body to be in overdrive. I hope this helps!!
Hang in their mom!

Assuming he isn't actually hyperactive, I wonder if it might be his own anxiety about losing his father (good or bad, he's still his daddy) and gaining a step-father. That his anxiety is either going to sit inside him and depress him, or it will come out physically in aggression or over-activity. He is probably testing you to make sure you aren't going to leave his home/him too. Maybe he doesn't fully understand the situation and he is sad and angry, and he doesn't have the verbal or emotional capacity to express.

That being said, I would lean toward finding a set time to spend with your son every day if possible for 15 minutes to 1 hour of 'one-on-one mommy time' to do whatever he wants to do - imaginative play, kick a ball, bake cookies. Maybe also find time for him to do the same with his father. This will reassure and calm him that you both love him and give him an opportunity to ask questions and really connect. Kind of psychological but I have some experience with this issue. Best wishes in finding a happy place together.

Spanking isn't going to get him to sit still. Some kids, especially boys, need to move their bodies to enable their minds to concentrate. At home while doing homework, let him standup or have his knee in his chair, as long as he is getting the work done. The Schools want to have all the children live in a square box. Guess what, the kids didn't get the memo. Boys will be boys and have a lot more energy than anyone can control. Another option that has been recommened to me was to get them to run laps, or up and down our street a several times before they need to start a more placid activity. I have put my 6 year old in Gymnastics 4.5 hrs a week and he still comes home with plenty of energy to keep going. (the time is split between 2 days). Just picture them like a fire, as long as their is a lot of fresh wood it will burn, burn the fuel down.
Also, he might need some more one on one time with you. Going through a visitation battle and getting remairred probably makes him feel pretty unimportant. You now have a new man to take your attention from him. That has to be scarry.

Hi Terrilynn,

I feel your frustration as I am in the same boat with my 7 year old son. The hardest is my 2 older boys laugh at him when he behaves like that so that makes it worse. I am not a spanking mom either, but certainly have been tempted. Does he get attention(even negative) when he behaves this way?

I remove my son to his room when he is starts acting up. That way he doesn't have an audience. We have also had to limit my sons sugar levels. He used to eat sugar cerals for brekafast or waffles and now that I have switched him to eggs and bacon it does seem to help that he doesn't start the day off with a sugar spike. My other two boys aren't as effected by sugar, but I can tell my 7 yera old is. Hope that helps, but just know you are not alone :-D good luck!