I Need Advice from People Who Have Been There...

This child's father killed himself just 6 weeks ago. I have to think that it would be expected for this child to have some emotional issues as well as a pretty short fuse. I'm not saying that that is an excuse, but just a sad reality right now. His father is dead (by dad's own choice, no less), he left his home, moved to a new home, and will now have a different set of rules. That's a lot for a little boy to process in 6 weeks. Is he in counseling? If not, he probably should be.

I think that some of it is "His parents did/do things differently" and "we should come up with a few generic house rules". She can discipline differently, but, for example, if the rule is no dessert til you eat dinner, then that applies to all the kids. Or if he wants to have a fit, he can do it in another room. Give each kid a bin with HIS toys in it. And have some heart to hearts because you are all grieving.

This will, hopefully, pass eventually. They won't live there forever, right?

besides all the great advice you got below, I also suggest you let your kid know that you are her mom & you are not 'their' mom, so the rules are not always going to be the same

Please remember that while the healing process is going along, the mom's family is still in a serious state of upheaval. It's not that strange that she's going to baby her baby even if it's obvious to the world that he's a terror. She's coping with a huge loss, and so is her son. It's normal to try to compensate for loss by neglecting discipline.

However, since you have also taken them into your home, it might be a good idea to ask the mom if she can help you out by protecting consistency in the rules. Spell out specific rules (only for things that matter, not for dessert or other minor issues) and ask her to enforce them and ask permission to enforce them yourself. Explain that this is to help all of the children feel that things are being handled fairly and that all of them have a safety net when someone mistreats them. Not only will it help her maintain some boundaries with her child, but it should help you safeguard your child.

Continue to parent in the way you feel is best, the things you have been doing. Your sister may or may not make some adjustments to be in better harmony in your home. Give her a chance to catch on to the way thing are done in your home. For example, when I go to my parents house, my sister comes over to spend time with us and stays the whole day. We both have toddlers. She gives him all kinds of sugary snacks and that causes problems for me because I don't. Initially I let her also have them, but since we stay for 10 days -three weeks at a time, I had to change that. I decided to stand my ground even though it caused my child some real angst. So my sister either does not give sugary snacks or lets him eat them in another room away from my daughter so it does not cause issues. She caught on that my style and her style were incompatible and graciously made some adjustments. If you don't see her make adjustment then you will need to talk with her on certain matters and on others you will need to talk to your son about how your families operate differently. God bless you for taking them in and my sympathies.

Your family needs to go into grief counseling. I don't think you have a clue about what is still yet to come. Things may seem fine right now with the others, but the grieving process is long and arduous.

You better prepare yourself for when things finally sink in and crash for your daughter and the other children. They are are all going to express their grief, anger, and other emotions in different ways, but they're all going to go there. Some if not all may take years to get over it.

Your thinking the child is purposely misbehaving or is in some way a spoiled brat is unfair, and will cause unnecessary turmoil for your daughter and her children.

The best advice is to encourage ALL of them to go into grief counseling. If necessary, you should join them or at the very least read about the stages of grief. It is especially hard on young families and couples because psychologically people are not prepared for the loss of loved ones when they are young. Your daughter lost her lover and spouse. She may be smiling and seem normal, but I guarantee you, she's pining for him when she is in bed alone at night. She is probably in no condition to help comfort her children well either. And for children, they have no life experience as of yet to draw upon to help them reason with the fact their father will not ever be coming home again.

They need a neutural party who understands grief and it's many twists and turns. Not only are they dealing with death..but also the tragedy and turmoil...maybe even guilt that comes when someone commits suicide. If they don't learn to face it in a healthy way, it could turn into something serious. It isn't unheard of for widows to develop spending addictions, chemical addictions, or for children to become violent or angry during grief. Those emotions that aren't dealt with in a healthyway will and do come out sideways.

Be the strong one for them right now, and find them the proper help they need to get through this tough time. Avoid taking any of their behaviors personally, or as fits of selfishness or being spoiled. It's not about you. It's about the fact their father is gone and now they have to deal with what that change means for them and the rest of their lives. That is a lot of a kid to deal with.

I think a lot of what you might be seeing is the son's emotions exploding out into other areas of his behavior. It may seem completely unrelated, but I can guarantee he's feeling a lot of emotions that he's not able to understand or process correctly. And, I can see why the mom isn't being as strict as one might think she should be.

All that being said, I think you have a good point in wanting to protect your 4 yr olds feelings through all of this. Could you talk with the mom and ask her to do all of the gift giving in another room away from your child? (only worded nicer) Explain how your child is feeling a little yanked around, and explain how understanding you are of the situation, you just want to make it work out well for everyone involved. I think I'd just confront her straight on, full of love and understanding, and with the attitude of wanting to make things work. I do think that what she does at the table (with giving desert or not) is something that is up to her, but when there are toys that somehow involve your child, I would try and figure that part out.

And, the grieving period lasts about 3-5 years, just so you know! Not that they aren't still going to grieve after that, but the really hard part lasts about that long. What a heartache for all involved!

With love you can speak with her and ask her if she is happy with the way her son acts or would she like to change it..

This is obviously something that has been going on for a long time.. SIL could be so exhausted and stressed for a long time (we never really know what goes on in anyone elses home), she just does not have the emotional strength to deal with it..

But You can help her by backing her up.. There will be some loud screaming whining or whatever, but if you all can set up the rules and let this little boy know he is loved enough for you all to correct his behavior, he can and will learn the rules..

Children love knowing the rules. They test because they want to make sure someone is going to notice and correct him.. He is not feeling secure so he wants things. He wants attention. He will take any way he can get it..

All of the adults in the house need to be on the same page.

My first 3 daughters are fairly close in ages. We learned early on that life isn't fair and we can't do everything equal all the time. We tried so hard. but as they aged their personalities changed, the oldest is 5 years older than the 3rd and the 2nd is right in the middle. The oldest ALWAYS got to do everything so much faster than the youngest quite naturally. If you don't end this struggle by teaching your son that his cousins rules are different and you don't set those rules then the only person doing any bending will be you. You are going to end up pacifying your child until you end up with a real monster on your hands. Not to mention that these boys will learn to work the two alpha females in the house until you two are fighting and they are getting a good old secret joke out of it.

Right now, today, realize that 4 years old is old enough to be told that while he has only 3 of this, he has more of something else. Steer them into their own interests and MAKE them share or play in rooms by themselves. Put up a nuetral boundery. Anything that enters the neutral zone belongs to EVERYONE. Anything kept in a private box or room belongs in the exclusive control of that person.

Well, it's a little bit harder when you share the same living quarters, but you will have to explain to your son that it's just not possible for him to get everything the other boy gets.
The child was already overindulged and it will be hard changing that in the face of such adversity. It's my opinion that compensating with "things" is not going to help with the loss in the long run.
Yes, sometimes it can seem easier to just give in, but really, it's just prolonging the inevitable.
I hope that she is receiving grief counseling and also involving her kids. Especially the oldest boy. What he really needs is a strong mom who is going to be consistant with rules and boundaries because it actually will make him feel more secure in the long run. He may not realize that, but it's true. I speak from experience about this.
You are doing the right thing by following through on things with your own son. And, it can be hard for a little kid to understand, but your son still has his daddy and that's worth more than all the toys in the world.
It's only been 6 weeks, so you need to give this some time to play out.
And, definitely suggest that she's getting the emotional help she needs. I can't imagine being in her shoes with little kids.
It might not seem fair to your 4 year old, but different moms, different rules.
Kids do come to understand that.

I'm sorry for your family's loss and hope things work out for you all.
Best wishes.

I would talk to her. Yes, she is the mom, but if you are all living together and her kids and you kid have different standards it is not fair to any of the kids. You both need to get on the same page, and have the same basic rules for things like dessert.

Each parent is going to discipline their child differently. As a grandmother you can advise your daughter but it is up to her how she parents.
I would hope that YOU would stop hitting your child. Hitting is never a proper discipline method. It would be helpful if you both attended parenting and or counseling classes.

Sounds like you need to find some common ground but also realize and acknowledge that you don't/won't parent the exact same all the time. To some degree, you have to agree to disagree. That being said, she is going to need to get control of the situation and stop letting him rule/have his way all the time.

The child's father just died 6 weeks ago. I think you have to give him some leeway here. It may take a while for him to recover. His mom may be trying to help him with his grief by buying him things and not enforcing rules. As far as dinner goes, well, there are so many different theories out there about insisting kids eat things they don't want. I think for a while you will have to explain to your kids that the other family is going through a rough time and that they will be expected to follow your rules even though the other family has its own rules. Eventually you and your sister (?) can get together and come up with some joint family rules.

I tend to agree with Riley J. If they are going to be there a while you need to have some house rules. Obviously your daughter knows there is an issue with your styles clashing - especially with the ages of those two being so close. Sit down calmly and work out some comprimises. And honestly, I know they all have to be hurting, but IMHO stretching the boundaries doesn't help, in the long run it hurts so she might want to reign it in a little. See if you can't find somewhere to meet in the middle. Good luck and hugs to you all.

In my view, your house, your rules. You need to make clear to the mom and other kids what they are, but while they're living with you, they need to not create problems for you and your child. No, they probably won't be thrilled with that, but you're doing them a HUGE favor and should not have to also allow things in your household that you otherwise wouldn't. If it gives her an extra push to get going on her own, then so much the better, as you want to keep her from getting TOO comfortable and being afraid to go out and live her/their own life again.

This is not at all to say you shouldn't be sympathetic - give lots of attention and snuggles - but as many others have said, kids need to have boundaries, and when those aren't present or disappear, that adds to feelings of insecurity.