I Have No Good Tag Line for This

Why would you punish him? He is clearly struggling and needs support, not punishment. You are right - he needs help. And waiting 2 weeks for a meeting is simply not going to work - he will likely be two weeks behind by then. I would call the teacher/principal/guidance counselor/whoever at the school in the morning and work up the chain until you get this meeting moved up.

I have two boys, my older son has ADHD, and my younger has ADD and SPD.

The things you have listed that your son did in class are things that my boys do....when they're off their medications. They focus just fine when they're on their meds.

As an adult with ADHD (I was diagnosed at age 8, after a few very hard years in elementary school, which included a teacher calling me "stupid" in front of my mother), I very highly recommend that you consider using medication. Start with the non-stimulants first, if it makes you feel better (like Intuniv or Strattera). But find one that works for your son.

You aren't doing him any good by leaving him untreated, and you needn't feel guilty about giving him medications. If he had epilepsy, you wouldn't hesitate to medicate him. ADHD is a neurochemical problem too....and should be treated like one. Sure, you can continue with the behavioral modification therapy and occupational therapy....it's great to teach coping mechanisms. But don't leave out the medication just because of stigma.

Let me put it this way: I don't even remember my early elementary school years. I've completely blocked them out due to the ADHD. I have memories starting from when my mom and doctors started me on a medication that worked for me. Because I wasn't diagnosed and put on meds until almost 4th grade, I was behind in math, science, and reading comprehension. By 6th grade, I was reading at a college level, but it still took me until I was in high school to learn basic multiplication without a calculator.

As soon as I found out my boys had AD/HD too, I started looking at what meds would be best for them. I tried the natural stuff first. Didn't work. then I tried out the non-stimulants. Those worked for my ADD/SPD son, but not my ADHD son. So, for him, I moved on to the stimulants. Today, they get excellent grades and comments from their teachers.

So there you go. That's my experience. I hope it helps you to choose what is needed for your son.

Best,

C. Lee

ETA: I'm sorry that you can't get meds right now. And I understand how you're feeling. Hang in there. Keep going. You're headed the right direction.

Please also know that all stimulants are NOT created equally. Adderall XR works great for me, but turns my ADHD son into a jabbering maniac. Vyvanse and Intuniv together are his magic combination.

Strattera (a non-stimulant) made my ADD/SPD son feel depressed and angry. But Intuniv works great for him.

So don't just give up after one trial with one drug. ♥

Get yourself a good advocate. We struggled for 3 years before my daughter was finally placed on an IEP that they then did not follow. Her neuro-psych testing showed her regressing in skills and with the advocate's help we finally had her placed in a program that works for her. The schools are good at delaying and pushing you in medical directions since then it does not cost them anything. Plus they have meeting with parents all the time and have experience, you don't. An advocate who is good does have that experience, plus knows the laws and what you can push for. Unfortunately the laws are only followed if parents push. Good luck.

I don't think punishing him will work out for his good. And your developmental ped should know that the school won't be the first to move to helpful things unless he gives a good comprehensive diagnosis. They have to accomadate these kids but have little money to do so. So unless you are armed with as much outside pressure as possible, they aren't going to jump in and do the things they need to do.

Your child's teacher can't tell you that, your counselor can't, your OT there can't. YOU and your doctor are in the driver's seat. You are his advocates. If they balk on anything he needs, stand up to them. On the inside, they are cheering you on. On the outside they have to state policy that doesnt want to comply. Find an outside OT and ask what the best plan for him is. Ask, ask, ask! Be armed to the teeth when you go in to the meeting.

Your H needs to understand what's in your child's best interest. I have a great friend who's child has CP. They learned to ask for things and sometimes demand help. He gets to do so much because she fought for him. He played along in band and theater. You don't want the leftovers. You want a full and complete education. Another friend had a child with aspbergers. He types his tests. Even the SAT! They can accomadate him.
You can look at the weighted vests and fidgets. Your H will just have to get over it. That's like not wanting your child to have braces because it will make him different! My bil was that way. His child never got the help she needed. At 33, she has problems that could have been avoided with help.
Back off dad!

I believe it took an hour to write. It took thoughtful consideration. It took an honesty that was painful. It took courage. That's all you need to make that meeting turn into a success for your child. Your MD is not giving you enough info and back up to help. Pester him.

Be fierce, Mama!

I'm sorry you are going thru this.

My son has ADHD, was diagnosed in Kindergarten and is now in 3rd grade. Currently, he sees a child psychiatrist, we keep his pediatrician in the loop, he sees a counselor every other week, he has a 504 Plan in place at school, and he is on medication (Concerta). We just had parent teacher conferences last week and she said he is doing awesome in school. For the most part he is able to stay on task, focus, and do so without distracting others. There are days she needs to redirect, but she said she has to do that with all the students. I strongly believe that he wouldn't be doing so well if we were not doing exactly what we are currently doing. Meaning, take away the counseling, the outcome might be different. Or take away the meds, I am 100% positive he'd struggle. Trust me, we've been working on finding a system that works for nearly 3 years.

I know some people are really against ADHD medication and try everything else possible. But it honestly seems like that's the missing piece for your son. My son is a completely different child on his medication. If we accidentally miss a dose (which is rare), he's beyond difficult that day. It is hard on everybody. I would just encourage you to look at that option.

Good luck!

I am adding in something else. I just saw your in Illinois. You need to put it in writing that you want the school to do a "case study" on him. They have 30 days to comply with this. A case study will consist of him being observed in the classroom setting and notes being taken by the teacher, the school nurse, the principal, the school phscholgist if there is one, the special ed coordinator for the school and the district. Those notes will be then discussed and a plan put together for your son. Your pediatrican could also weigh in on these findings. But it is unreasonable to expect a teacher to control your son in her classroom full of other kids when he is not able to control himself. So ask for the study. It is just one more tool to get your son what he needs.

I am going to say some things you might not like. But here goes. It sounds like your son might have more going on than just adhd and spd (sensory processing disorder?) I have dealt with both of these things. My son is off the charts adhd. He is 18 now and we did all the things your doing. we did end up with meds. and they worked for us. but the melt downs and ending up with sounds not words sounds like you are approaching the possibility of an autism thing as well as the others. It sounds like you have an IEP meeting coming up. But it also sounds like your husband does not want him to have the special help he is needing. Your going to have to get on the same page with things or it is not going to work. removal from classrooms are not really a valid option every day. at least not for special needs kids. However if your son gets a solid diagnosis then he can get help that is needed. An extra aid in the classroom who will be able to help redirect and or take him out when needed. Why would your husband not want that. Special needs has morphed a long way from what it was in the 50's why would you not want to avail your son of all possible help in order for him to learn at the best of his ability? Those questions are more for your husband than you.

Hugs to you this is a hard hard time and once the diagnosis things are all in place and the treatment options all working together things go smoother.

As someone else noted: He needs a FORMAL individual educational plan, ASAP. Why wasn't one in place before school started? Did they say they needed to evaluate him first? Wasn't the doctor's diagnosis enough for them to go on and if not, why not? He also needs a full and formal diagnosis that the doctor gives to the school so it is on record that he must be accommodated for a diagnosed medical condition. And finally he sounds like he truly needs an aide at this point. If the school cannot handle him as things are, getting him an aide should be part of the IEP. If they say an aide is not doable or not legally an obligation, you may end up seeing him sent home more often and then you need to see someone about whether he is ready for this classroom setting yet.

It sounds as if the decisions to handle this are all over the map -- not yet clarified. The school should not be the one driving this; you and his doctor should be. If your son does not have an assertive doctor who is used to dealing with school systems on these issues and advocating for kids, you need to find such an advocate. The school will take the path of least resistance for itself (namely, sending your child home because the teacher, quite rightly, cannot deal with him when she has other students who need her attention too). This is why you need to push for an aide if he is having this level of meltdown.

If you have not had him examined again since he was four, I'd get him a full and up to date exam and diagnosis now. It provides a record you can use in dealings with the school.

You may have to be very firm and get to know your state's laws, in detail, regarding what the public school system must provide for him. I know you probably want to be cooperative with the school and that's the right attitude but you also have to take care not to let the school drive everything. I've seen parents in situations like yours who "waited to hear" and never got a good answer or a firm educational program in place.

As for punishment, I would seriously talk with the doctor - did the doctor actually discuss punishment for these things? I would say discipline and consequences rather than punishment. But it sounds as if too much time has now passed since today's issues for any punishment to have any connection to what he did earlier, in his mind. Let this one go and now focus on how to advocate for him, know the law and get him the accommodations he needs, as well as maybe considering a new doctor or new exam.

One other huge, huge red flag in your post -- your husband doesn't want your son to have anything that sets him apart from other kids in the class. Sorry, but husband HAS to get over that and now. He might need to hear this from a third party professional who is not you, because he might not listen to you, but he needs to understand that your son NEEDS things that other kids don't need. If dad is more focused on "I don't want my kid labeled as different" then your son is never going to get the help he needs and will fall behind fast. If dad doesn't approve of the things you mentioned he's going to hate the idea of an aide sitting with your son but dad has to be shown that the alternative is today, repeated over and over.

It sounds to me like he need an IEP with an aide assigned to him to help him keep on track in the classroom.

You might read this website, and do some other searches on obtaining help for your child in the classroom.

http://www.wrightslaw.com/info/relsvc.aide.steedman.htm

maybe this one too:
http://nichcy.org/top-10-most-ridiculous-comments

I don't have any experience with this, so can't offer any advice, but I do want to extend hugs to you and to your son.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Here's what I recommend. Find an advocate who deals with 504 and IEP plans and is well versed in the system. You will need to pay this person for her services. Make sure she has a lot of experience. You may be able to find her through your ped or a lawyer referral.

Once you do this, the school will stop jerking your chain. The law MAKES them give this child accommodations. They are not even trying. Putting him beside a talker? Is the teacher ignorant?

All they are doing is throwing the ball back to YOU. Once you show them that this isn't going to fly, they will start trying. The advocate will tell you if you need a lawyer present in your meetings. I promise you something will change when a lawyer walks in the door.

If I didn't know any better, I would say you just described an entire day that belonged to my youngest brother when he was in school! Everything you are saying that he does was exactly what my brother would do and what my parents had to deal with on a daily basis. My brother had ADHD on a pretty grand scale and one time, I got pulled out of a Middle School class one day and brought over to his 3rd grade room...our school had the elementary and middle school building located on the same campus at the time.....and I was brought to his classroom because he was standing on top of his desk singing " I Love Rock-N-Roll" by Joan Jett. I almost died. They tried to reach my mother but she was in a meeting at work so the next best thing was to go get the big sister to talk him down from the desk! No kidding!
After this stunt, my brother was put on Ritalin. That was the medication of choice back in the day. It worked. He used to drive us all insane at home so I could just imagine what he was like in the classroom. I know he couldn't help it but from a sibling's point of view, he was exhausting, annoying, and completely random. I'm guessing that's how he was viewed by others in his class because he didn't have many friends before the Ritalin came along. Once we started him on the meds, he improved quite a bit. I even remember him missing a dose one day and when he arrived home from school, he told my mom and I that he had an awful day, he didn't feel right, and that he thought he missed his medication that morning. Well, he did. It was at that moment that I realized the pain and frustration that really went on inside his little body. He really was out of control and once he became more aware of his abilities to function better and slow down to enjoy things, he rather liked the way that felt.
As my brother aged, we continued a close relationship. I would often ask him what life was like with ADHD and he would tell me to picture a million ping-pong balls flying at you all the time and you feel like you must catch them all! He said it feels chaotic and disorganized. He also told me that he thought he would have no friends if my parents did not help him treat this problem at an early age. That was huge to me.
My brother continued to get better at managing his ADHD and was also moved over to other medications as they became available. He took Concerta for awhile and also a drug called Adderall. We believe we saw the most promise from him on the good old Ritalin versus the others. at the age of 15, he was weaned from the meds and was using therapy and tutoring to maintain his focus and learn to live a more structured life by implementing techniques he could use for life as an adult with this disorder. There are times that I do think he should be taking some form of medication still. He is a father now himself and his ADHD shows in his inability to manage anger at times, he is sometimes very impulsive, he says things before thinking about them....an apologizes for all of this often to family and friends. It's a lifelong struggle for him even as an adult and a father. Nevertheless, he is my youngest brother and I do love him. We are still very close. He tells me that he envies my patience and ability to organize, prioritize, and execute things with ease. I never really stop to think of those skills as amazing....but he tells me that they are. He gives me perspective to this thing called ADHD and although I can't tell you what is best for your son, I certainly tried to give you a picture of how it is from a sibling's point of view and also tidbits that my own brother has told me about himself over the years. Sometimes, perspective helps toward better understanding. I know it has for me and for my family. Good luck with your little man. You sound like someone who is on top of this and will do all you can to help him navigate this problem. That, is a huge step in the right direction!

Poor baby. His brain just kind of went haywire ans he just could not get it together.

No punishment. Let him rest, give him some comfort. Carefully ask him about the day. How it started, all the way to how it ended up. Just listen. Ask him how he felt. Ask him what he thinks would have helped.

Let him know you are not mad, but you are concerned and just want to know, what he was feeling.

Your husband is in denial. Yes, he knows these diagnosis, but he needs to remember this is not a reflection on him or your son. It is who your son is. So now it is time to help your son work through all of this. It may take things being a little different, but in all modern classrooms, so many children do different things and are allowed what is best for them.. We are not robots. We learn differently, we have different skills. Modern educators have lots of training to help all types of students.

Heck I was a talker.. I still am. When I go to a meeting. I take a lollipop or a hard candy so that as long as it is in my mouth, I have to take the time to take it out, before I add my 2 cents.

In elementary school, I was placed next to boys, because they did not put up with my chatter. They did not respond either.

As I go t older, I learned to sit at the front of the class to keep control of my lack of attention and the talking problem. These were things teachers had suggested to me over the years.

Your son today..
Overstimulated, different schedule and he sounds exhausted.
I was exhausted just reading this.

At our daughters elementary school, the students made "desk blockers". These were file folders taped together and and set upon the desk so that they could have privacy while doing their work. It is not until 4th and 5th grade that they sit at individual desks.. Until then they are sitting at double desks pushed together. They are allowed to put up these blockers when they feel they cannot handle the distractions.

One of my teacher friends got a grant to provide the bouncing balls, like exercise balls, for her students, mostly boys, that needed the bounce to help them keep their attention during class. She said it made a huge difference. She tends to be the teacher that has a lot of these students in her reading classes.
My husband has ADHD and you know they never grow out of it. It actually gets worse as they get older, so they need to learn how to control it, work through it and have some coping skills.

Please know the school is gathering information, they will put a report together and then make a plan for him. In a way, this is good that this happened prior to the meeting so you all cn see one of his worst days.

When there is a room of so many children, the teacher cannot stop the entire class for one child for very long. Second grade is a year where all of the skills are being stretched. The reading, the writing, the solving of problems.. is being exercised all day.

Hang in there mom. You are not alone. Keep an open mind and be willing to try some different techniques.

We have known so many different types of students. And the majority of the ones that graduated with our daughter have gone on to be wonderful adults. Some went to college, some joined the military.. They all seem to be thriving. It is amazing how they all find their way in the long run.

I am sorry you are having such a rough day with this.

I have said before on other posts - I do not believe in "double punishment" for something that happens at school. I think, what happens at school, gets punished/handled at school. At home, love your son, support your son - and discipline him for things that he does at home, outside of the classroom.

As you said, "ultimately it is up to his teacher to implement what she feels is best for her class".

So, the main thing I am sorry about here, is that it seems like the teacher gave up! :-/ I am sorry he got sent home. I hope the teacher has a good explanation for what happened when you talk on the phone.

ETA for your SWH: The "don't double punish" idea does NOT make "home a more fun option". It simply keeps the punishment in close proximity to the offense (geographically and time-wise). It is MUCH easier for a child to process and understand the situation that way. (There can be plenty to punish at home, without also dealing with whatever happened at school!!)

I'm not sure this is "punishable". Isn't the goal to teach him what to do? So, I would start there. have a conversation with him about what went wrong today, when he started to notice that it went wrong and what choices he should have made instead of the ones he did make.

He needs to know you are on his side and that you'll help him navigate HOW to change his behavior so that he can stay mainstreamed.

Start with the biggest no-no's. He absolutely cannot throw things. What can he do instead?

Does he have one or two phrases that he can share with the teacher when he is feeling like a meltdown? Phrases that can be considered "safe words", so to speak?

My daughter didn't have ADHD, but she did have a severe anxiety issue. Part of her IEP was when she started to lose it she was excused to go to the gym and "help" the PE teacher chase down balls, organize equipment etc and burn off steam to get her head back in the right space. Then during her PE time she did work that she missed in class. But I had a super supportive school, so they were flexible with working out what would work for the classroom, the teacher and my daughter. It helped that the PE teacher was willing as well.

Okay, I'm annoyed with you, just a warning that what I'm going to say may come off more harsh than I plan.

You want to PUNISH a child that has a medical condition for having a behavior that is a direct result of that medical condition??????

And you doc is telling you to discipline him for his actions???? This doc even wrote up a discipline plan? There is absolutely no way I'd ever go back to this doc again. He has no idea what he's doing. Really.

If he had Epilepse and was denied medication to treat his brain disorder then he had a seizure would you punish him for having a seizure?

His ADHD alone can cause him to do these behaviors and you add in the SPD he can't help this. He is not responsible for his behaviors. YOU ARE.

Do you see where I'm coming from? You refuse to medicate him for a medical issue and then when he acts the only way he can you want to punish him?

That's why I am annoyed with you. I don't care what this little guy has done YOU chose to not give him any medication to help him with this.

He needs to start out on a whole Ritalin in the morning and a half after lunch. You'll see a remarkable difference. By the time he gets home all the Ritalin will be out of his system. It does not stay in the system, it does not build up, it does not cause long term side effects, etc...

Please, I know you love this little guy. He needs you to find a doc that is qualified to diagnose and treat him. Most pediatrician's are okay for most childhood illnesses like a cold or the flu. But for something particular like a brain disorder or a mental health issue you cannot use a pediatrician for this. A psychologist that is properly trained and a psychiatrist that is familiar with children's doses of medications is what you need.

Once you have a qualified person diagnosing your child the school system has no choice but to provide you son with what every he needs to stay in school and be successful.

He can get a 504 plan written and he will have things in it that the school must supply.

In ours we get a full time aid that will work one on one with our grandson if he shows a need for one.

When he was in Pre-K there was the teacher and 1 aid until Christmas. When the kids came back the aid was gone and there were 2 older women, both of them had training for kids with special needs....

The school provided an aid to work with my grandson and one to help the teacher as an aid when she wasn't needed to manage any other kids having issues.

The school MUST follow the law and provide for a kid with special needs. If he's having behaviors they will have to provide an aid for him that has the main job of making sure he isn't disrupting the classroom and is not hurting anyone.

This is what he needs.

Medication that fits the need. He exhibits ADHD behavior according to your statements above. Get him to a real doc that will do testing and write up an evaluation, they'll also attend the team meeting too if you ask them. Ours do that are local.

He exhibits some social issues that might be from being in a classroom that has to much stimulation. Too many posters on the walls, too many colors in the area his eyes point, too much to distract his brain.

This child is screaming for someone to help him. Be that person please.

You may not be able to get stimulants, but you sure can give him a cup of coffee. Try that until you can get the meds.

Then, give him a set of ear plugs that he can use after the teacher has finished her instruction and moved on to the 2nd graders. I've had people with ADD tell me that ear plugs really help them to stay on task and avoid outside distractions.

I don't think I would punish any further than the afternoon in his room. He knows that is a consequence so I don't think he'll be thinking that he got away with it. I think the best course is to talk to him later tonight and try the ear plug thing and let him know that tomorrow is a new day and he can start all over and you will do your best to help him make it a better day. I'm sure he feels bad enough and could use some encouragement for tomorrow.

I don't know alot about Illinois special ed policy but I think that your son would do better in a special ed class - not mainstream classes. In California we had special ed classes at the elementary school. A child might be there during all parts of the school day. If there's too much sensory input (as there is in any 1st or 2nd grade class) a smaller class with a slower pace is better.

My daughter has an IEP for Math due to a learning disability. She is 11. We just went to a meeting with her case worker and my husband was a little shocked when they used the term "learning disability", as I was when I first heard it applied to my daughter. However, as I have come to realize, a better phrase might be that she learns differently. We all have strengths and weaknesses that make subjects easier or harder to learn. Our job, as parents, is to figure out what works for our kids. If it helps to have a child expend energy, or be in a quiet environment, fantastic - let's do it! It sounds as if your husband is coming around. Special education does not have the stigma that it had years ago. There are a lot of kids with various issues in various degrees of severity. Unless this is just a terribly backwards school district I would let them guide my child into the appropriate situation. Good-luck.

Hi there, sounds like things have been rough and you guys are really trying to help your son the best you can. My middle daughter has SPD & possible very mild Autism, so I know how hard it can be to figure out what to do. She jst started all day kindergarten and we see a private OT & behavioral therapist. Our main issues seem to be the meltdowns & refusal to participate, as well as being super inflexible regarding schedules, etc. Our behaviorist has been very patient in helping me come to realize there needs to be a line drawn explicitly that no matter what causes the unwanted behavior, there needs to be an appropriate response, ie a time-out, time away from people (in room), etc. If you know why the behavior occured, then you can use that info to help your son process the situation after he's calm. I know our OT has also come up with a great listof "tools" to diffuse the feelings that lead to the meltdowns, acting out, etc. We modelthemand also prompt my daughter verbally to use them. We need to teach ou r kids thatifthefind something upsetting, hard to deal with, whatever, there's a right way & wrong way to deal with those feelings. I know I had a hard time understanding how I could make consequences for something that wasn't always inmy daughters control, but I've come to realize that whileger triggers are not inher control, her reactions absolutely are-and we need to teach ALL kids this and useful tools to overcome or cope. Only you know if you're willing to give meds a try again, but I think maybe with a rigorous sensory diet, good coping skills being taught & modeled and the support of the school (maybe the diet changes too-less risk than meds?) you might find that he's more regulated and better able to control dome of his impulses.

My daughter is ADD and was diagnosed in 1st grade. I noticed that long weekends and/or holiday breaks made that first day back hard. When my daughter would act out like that she normally was overly tired from the extra time off. I had to make sure she went to bed about 30-45 minutes early the night before the first day back to school. She is now on a low dose of medication and seems to be doing much better.
I hope things get better for your little guy!

An ideal situation would be for the teacher to have an aide in the class (not a parent volunteer!) The aide would not be sitting next to your son, labeling him as the one with an aide, but would be available to repeat directions refocus, redirect etc without stopping the teacher from teaching other students. He/she could help any student that needed the above assistance, but often it would be your son who needed it. that would be ideal. Is there any chance your son could be in the dual lang. program? usually it is for both english lang learners and students who want to learn Spanish. You say your son is intelligent and I'll be he needs to be challenged constantly!